20 Harvest of Evil

A VEST OF EVIL

Part One: Seriously, You Need To Stick With This Plot

The Doctor and Martha Jones are on the planet Rexepalaptis 3, where they discover the mood-altering Premar spray is being used by the Rexepalapiteans to create a human slave trade as revenge for crimes humanity is destined to commit in the future!

Meanwhile, in 2009 Cambridge, Ben Chatham is ignoring the fact his family have disowned him, his bank manager is pressing criminal charges and a full thirteen cases of stalking have been pressed against him by Charles Broxby, Jamie McHamish, Jenna Stannis and the entirety of Torchwood Three.

Instead of trying to work out a way for him to escape this hideous fate of destitution, prostitution and dying alone, unloved and unmourned while being sexually molested by a circus clown, Ben has spent the last of his earthly cash on a cupful of ridiculously expensive Blue Ridge Homeground Coffee, which is incredibly exclusive because only retarded wankers would be dumb enough to drink the filthy muck.

As Ben drowns out the noise of the angry mobs outside with Nick Drake's "Five Years Left" album, he searches vainly for someone to send a text to that isn't already suing him for sexual harrasment and realizes that the whole of Scotland have declared war on him for the events of "Duraneg3d Fukng Ensaniet3" and their armed forces are already being mobilized to hunt him down and turn him into an incredibly smoothe sporran to be presented to Elton John for his next divorce case.

Ben's incredibly thick psychological defenses are finally beginning to crumble. After stupidly trying to live a life of action, adventure, absinthe, excitement, and women-hating gay sex like he one had on a Christmas Eve hallucination has lead to him being declared public enemy number two (he's still got a long way to go to beat Chis Chinball), and will be hounded throughout the civilized and uncivilized world until his snobby arrogance is drowned in his own 200% proof blood!

To stop his entire personality disintegrating like the plot of a Gerry Davis Cyberman tale, Ben needs to be reassured what a perfect, sophisticated, refined person he really is and that everyone loves him and finds him charming despite his terrifyingly lost list of personality dissorders.

Unfortunately, the only person to fit the bill is Katie Ryan, who he threw into a Suffolk mental asylum for the Terminally Unfashionable for old time's sake - the staff there agreed Katie needed help for the obvious mini-breakdown she'd suffered to ever have been attracted to Chav-Hater Chatham the Cambridge Cunthead.

Ben decides to ring up the lunatic asylum and demand her release on the grounds that he is Ben Chatham and better than anyone else in the entire world.

"Hi, is that Bedlam Revisited? What a stroke of luck, I have absolutely no fucking idea what I just dialed. My name is Ben Chatham. Well? Aren't you going to faint in amazement? What do you mean 'So what?' I have a degree! Look, I want you release a prisoner from your lunatic asylum... Fine! 'Retreat/Depression Clinic', then. Everyone knows it's a nuthouse full of Mongoloids.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! Now, where was I? Ah less, Katie Ryan, I dropped her off three days ago. Put me through to her room. What do you mean, there are no phones in the padded cells? Well, bring her here then!

KATIE RYAN! What? She IS staying with you, you filthy little virus, so don't you lie to me. I HAVE A FUCKING DEGREE, BITCH! Look, moron, I drove there myself, and threw her onto the pavement outside the door before driving off incredibly fast! You must remember me - nothing else in this universe is more interesting than I am.

What? What do I look like? ARE YOU INSANE?! I AM BEN FUCKING CHATHAM!!!

You seriously expect me to think you DIDN'T notice the good-looking blonde guy. I KNOW IT'S 'BLOND' FOR MEN AND 'BLONDE' FOR WOMEN! Don't you fucking dare correct me! No, I am not confused about my sexuality! I despise women, but they look good on my arms and allow me to daterape all sorts of young, smoothe-chested bucks who have no life without me.

I AM NOT BEING AGRESSIVE!!!!!! I AM SIMPLY BEMUSED, MOTHERFUCKER, THAT YOU ARE DENYING THAT KATIE RYAN IS THERE! Surely you registered her and took her to a room or something after you found her unconscious body on the doorstep?

LISTEN YOU DILDO-SUCKING FOOL, PUT YOUR MANAGER ON!!

You ARE the Manager?

GOOD!

NOW, I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT KATIE RYAN WAS... Wait. It this Bedlam Revisited? Sorry, I meant to call the Limes Clinic. My mistake...

Charming! WELL YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ARSE AND CHOKE ON YOUR OWN DUADENAL UCLER, YOU COMMON URBAN PUSTULE!"

So furious that the person has hung up on him, Ben is massively incontinent. The stench eats through the walls of his apartment and causes the rioting mob to flee, covering their noses and retching. The chemical warfare leads to London itself being evacuated while Ben is able to steal a car from a little old lady he punched unconscious. He drives off, so excited he starts to hallucinate that all his former lovers have started liking him again and tonight will return to his dissolving, fungus-ridden apartment and seduce him en masse.

So lost in his fantasy is Ben, he runs over an old man's spine, leaving him wheelchair bound. The man, Alistair Miles, swears revenge and comes up with a complicated scheme whereby an old Cybernaut prop from The Avengers is reimagined by Brian Hitch and sent to rob banks...

At that point, however, Ben accidentally reverses over Miles, crushing his skull like an egg. As Ben drives off once more, he also knocks over some shifty MIBs who were hanging around the place, runs down Harriet Jones and also half a dozen insane devil-worshipping alien industrialist company secretaries without even noticing.

Ben heads for the Limes Clinic, feeling duty bound to drive there, visit Katie in person, and then beat her up until she tells everyone how absolutely brilliant and fantastic it is to worship the Venerable Chatham as long as they are white, young, male with Oxford degrees who don't mind giving all their cash and social time to Ben Chatham but not so much they get clingy.

At that point, Ben puts on 'Brandenburg Concerto' on the car radio while searching for some Soft Cell-esque 80s electropop nonsense, but the mirror reflection of his luscious blond hair being blown in the wind overloads Ben's tiny excuse for a brain and he goes out of control through the Cambridgeshire countryside and collides with several cows before smashing through an infant school for Torchwood script writers.

Ben recovers his senses stuck half-way up an oak tree when a mysterious metal stomping is heard through the bushes. Ben is incontinent yet again with fear, but the stench does not deflect the strange creature lurching through the vegetation towards him.

Ben screams with pathetic girly terror as he realizes that his adversary is... THE SPARTHABOT!

"WEL I MUST SAY TAHT FOR ONCE U GOT SOMATHNG RIGHT BN CHATHM," says the Sparthabot, mistakenly believing Ben is trying to commit suicide to escape the combined armed forces of the entire human race, and some really pissed Alpha Centaurians.

Ben explains he is not intending to kill himself but actually trying to find the one person in the Solar System more pathetic than he is.

"WTH????!!??? LOL HAEV U MISED TEH FACT EV3RYONA HAETS U AND WANTS U 2 DEI???!!!?? WTF!" the Sparthabot jeers.

Ben ignores her and desperately scratches his initials in the bark of the tree in the vaguest of vague hopes the Doctor will one day pass a tree with a crude BC scratched into it, leap to the conclusion Ben needs help and somehow travel backwards in time to meet them here and now.

"EXPECTNG DA DOC2R 2 B AT UR BK AND CAL CONTINUALY SHOWS A SARIOS LAK OF MATURITY!" sneers the android menace.

"God damn it, you silly bint!" Ben shouts at her. "Don't you ever shut the fuck up? Are you always such a stuck-up bitch queen?"

"ONLEY WH3N IN DA COMPANY OF 3XTREMALEY IMATURE MAN," replies Sparthabot, kicking him in the bollocks. "GROW FUKNG UP!!1!!!1 OMG WTF LOL!"

After Ben regains consciousness after Sparthabot slaps him viciously, she continues: "ANYWAY I PR3SUM3 UR NOT S3RIOS IN EXPECTNG ME 2 ACOMPANY U!1!11!!!! OMG WTF IT WUD B ABSOLUTELEY RIDICULOS TAHT I SHUD CUT SHORT MAH ENSLAEVMENT OF HUMANITY LIEK THIS!1!111! OMG LOL!"

Unfortunately, we've run out of other characters to use in this series for some unfathomable reason, Sparthabot agrees to go with Ben to the Limes Clinic.

The refined, cold-looking middle-aged woman dressed as a member of the Klu Klux Klan at the reception desk pulls a gun on the two of them and reminds them that visiting is for weekends only, this was their last warning and she is now legally obliged to blow holes through their kneecaps.

"Minimum distraction to psychological recover fleshkind require," she hisses, eyes green, cat like and painfully obvious that they'yve been painted onto her closed eyelids. "Request your irregular is. Strange, find it I."

Ben explains he dumped Katie on the hard gravel outside, where her bloodstains are clearly visible, and then danced naked in the front yard until a blonde nurse called Barbara set the dogs on him and he was rushed to hospital to recieve rabies shots all over his smoothe body. However, said nurse does not recall Ben even after the amateur archaeologist has stripped naked and done a little dance.

Sparthabot does not help with her random shouts of "DOC2R MYSTERIO SI R3QUIERD BRNG HIM HARE OR B SPANKED 2 DEATH!!!1!1 OMG LOL!"

Ben accuses Barbara of lying and demands to know what happened to Katie????????? (Yes, he counts the question marks).

Ben becomes agitated in a refined way by throwing a temper tantrum and rolling around on the floor, bashing his hands against the walls, screaming insanely before losing all bowel control. Finally, Ben runs out energy and loses consciousness. Two large reptillian creatures with retractable claws in their scaly arms pick up Ben and carry him onto the motorway, and he splatters onto the hard tarmac...

...in the oncoming path of a MORRIS MINOR!!


Part Two: You Need to Watch the Plot Arc Develop!

The Morris Minor hurtles straight towards Ben when suddenly he vanishes, reappearing in the grounds of the Limes Clinic. Ben realizes he has evolved into the next stage of humanity - Homophobe Academic Superiority Complex, or a Tommorrow Twat to give a vulgar, Chav-friendly catchphrase.

After getting lost in a grass verge five times, Ben accidentally knocks down a rickety wooden fence to see a few patients being crucified by what appear to be gigantic ferocious mutant yabbies dressed as Ninja Turtles. Nearby, an old lady in a wheelchair is strapped to a ducking stool and repeatedly shoved into a pond. Ben rushes over to the woman and says, "Hello. Look I'm sorry to disturb you but do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

"For God's sake, you fucking nutter, get me out of here!" screams the sweet old lady as she is dunked yet again.

Ben explains he suspects that that the mysterious runners of the Limes Clinic are treating the old lady this way and she is no real use to the giant lizard people of the planet Calufrax.

"Is there anyone ELSE who can save me?" screams the old woman as she goes under for the first time.

A little puzzled over her unfriendly manner and putting it down to senility, Ben is totally taken aback when the Receptionist arrives and starts shouting:

"What you're doing, think you do? Who you are, in here coming and with Atlzeimers an old lady harassing? Doesn't need you upsetting her, fleshkind, very confused it gets!"

As more of the giant lobsters attack, Ben decides to text the Doctor for advice.

The reply:

HOW DA FUK DID U GAT THES NUMBR?!?
CAL IT AGANE AND I S3ND DA JUDON
2 PUT A CAP IN UR AS
ALONZE U R3TARD STAWKER BITCH!

Ben is helpless as the lobster people punch him in face again and again and again and again, before grabbing him by the neck, spinning him around and slamming him against the concrete, breaking every bone in his body.

Elsewhere in time and space, the Doctor makes a mental note to change his number as he and Donna enjoy a nice handrasagnalexecon... until Donna learns it is not so much a cocktail, but a space enema to flush them both out. Donna starts screaming and causing a scene.

Back on Earth, Ben loses the ability to even moan in pain as his skin turns ebony black from all the internal hemmorage as bones rupture from his once-smoothe-now-lacerated chest. His head is smashed against the concrete again and again until his skull caves him. Darkness comes...

...and anal leakage...

...and Ben Chatham dies as Bowie's 'Earthling' swells up in the background...

No.

Wait.

Suddenly, Ben wakes up. It was all yet ANOTHER absinthe soaked hallucination!

It is then he realizes he is still on the motorway as the Morris Minor hits Ben with sickening force, splitting him in two and sending the blood-soaked gorey chunks in the vague direction of various ditches.

No.

Wait.

Wait for it.

There it is.

Suddenly, Ben wakes up. That too was another absinthe soaked hallucination!

He is, in fact, driving through the countryside in his stolen car. Uncertain whether the Doctor sent the latest death threat on his mobile, Ben decides to muck about with his phone rather than watch where he's driving. Suddenly, the car runs over a young man walking by the side of the lane. Ben puts his foot on the brake and the car screeches to a halt - luckily, Ben's smoothe chest and blonde hair are totally unharmed.

Finally, this cliffhanger is deemed acceptable by Sparacus 'Flamingo' Jones who allows the episode to end.


Part Three: There's A Serious Alien Threat To Mankind

Our story begins with Ben proving once again unable to control a motor vehicle as, using a mobile while driving, he runs over a pedestrian. However, this is not the city, but the countryside. Instead of leaving the chav to die and etch a crossed-out hoodie on the car door, Ben stops the car. He hopes that the person he has run into is a refined, attractive, homosexual and young man who uses vast amounts of alochol. Thus, the close promixity of smoothe chests, firm thighs and blond hair will render him helpless and fall in love with Chatham.

Despite the last sixteen times where the victims contacted the police and their solicitors, Ben still has hopes it will work this time.

As Ben jumps out of the car, he is stunned when a short bloke in a beanie runs up, shouting "Master!" and helping the young man to his feet.

Ben is irritated at this little man and struggles desperately to make eye contact with the beautifully-cheekboned, dark-haired young man. But the little servant shouts abuse at Ben, screaming that he is an idiot who should watch the road in front of him.

The young man notes he's just bruised and tells Ben he can go fuck himself, before telling his companion Much they must head back to camp.

"But who are you?" Ben sobs.

"Robin Hood - now piss off," replies the anarchronistic outlaw as he limps away.

"You're not a postgraduate art student by any chance, are you?"

"A clue: no," Robin Hood replies.

Ben offers to take them to a theraputic retreat not far away called the Woodlands, where patient use painting, sculpture and group theatre to recover from being run over by alcoholic hit and runs. Much is interested when they discover lunch is free, but Robin refuses to risk driving with Ben Chatham. Ben is too busy brooding over the incredible coincidence of so many lunatic asylums in Suffolk and starts laughing hysterically and shouting, "YOU FUCKING FLAKEY RETARDS!" over and over again.

Much suggests to Robin they kill him and it takes all Robin's self control not to.

They turn and walk off.

Ben starts sobbing and screaming that, you know, anyone can have a mental breakdown and tries to woo Robin by bullshitting a history of Woodlands and how the property is rented from Lord Lucan to cover mafiosi gambling debts despite the mysterious headless corpses being dumped with the words THE LIMES CLINIC IS SUPREME scrawled in the deceased's blood. But by the time he's waffling on about holistic approaches, the two ex-Crusaders have run for it.

Back at the Limes Clinic, the Sparthabot is being given a job as district nurse to the lunatics on offer. After being told yet again that the Great Journey of Life requires her NOT to try and eradicat mankind, Sparthabot snaps, "I GATHERED TAHT!1!!! LOL IMM NOT SLOW-ON-DA-UPTAEK-ROSE!!1!1"

"Who Rose the hell is?" asks the Receptionist, baffled.

Meanwhile, Ben is driving around the countryside, sadly looking for Robin Hood but not even he with his non-specific degree from some unknown university knows how to violently have sex with someone who isn't actually there. Idly he starts wanking in the hope while driving he'll run over another pretty, educated, gay male pedestrian, so he can seduce, get in the car and have sex with while driving, which means they'll hit ANOTHER pretty, educated, gay male pedestrian and so on and so on until a massive orgy takes place with busloads of sexy road accident victims...

Ben loses it an unintentionally recreates the old ejaculation gags from Scary Movie, and simultaneously the death of the fat guy in the first Jurassic Park movie, as the windscreen is blotted out with white gunk, blinding the driver, and so the car crashes into a tree and explodes in a fireball.

Somehow, the sticky Ben survives intact and stumbles blindly through the trees and walks into the ironically-named "Little" John. Or, as his friends call him, "Absolutely Fucking Enormous And Violent And Ugly And Psychopathic And Surrounded By The Dead And Dying" John...

John calls Ben a "great bloody arsehole" and their eyes meet, Ben feels an instant connection - in the form of John's quarterstaff into his pancreas. John repeatedly whacks Ben with the staff, as Captain "Saracen" Djaq shouts, "You want to go the Woodlands retreat? Apparently they specialize in recovery through therapy and NOT the hell getting hit by fucking cars driven by fucking arseholes, you little filthy wanker!"

"PLEASE!" Ben screams for mercy. In a refined way. "I'M NOT A FLAKEY!"

"You daft little moose," Captain Djaq sneers, grinding the heel of her boot through Ben's cheek. "My father several times removed rode with Saladin himself and butchered all the English arseholes like you, you dirty son of a bitch."

Ben tries to turn on the charm.

"Little John," says Will Scarlet. "I think he's having a stroke."

"Hey! He just tried to feel me up!" Alan Adale screams.

"Filthy English pig," Captain Djaq snaps, repeatedly kicking Ben. "You dye your hair too, you little girlie."

Luckily, Ben is incontinent yet again (DOESN'T HE EAT?!?) and the Merry Men run for their lives as the stench strips the back from the trees around them...


to be continued...