The howling fades. Kimberly turns to Sir Robert.
Kimberly: What was that noise?
Sir Robert: What noise?
Kimberly: That inhuman scream that would make any decent panthiest lose bowel control!
Sir Robert: I don't know what you mean. Did you hear anything Voru?
Voru: No, sir.
Sir Robert: And you, Evelyn? Did you hear anything?
Eve looks at the floor.
Eve: No, Uncle. I didn't hear anything.
Theo: You must have!
Ben: Well, I did. And if you don't know about it, then I'll have to have a look.
Theo: Ah, Benji, I wouldn't recommend that. Yeah. Remember the bear traps left out there? In the dark mist? Speaking of which, why are they out there?
Sir Robert: I can assure you... They are not to deter visitors, young Theo. Voru, take Benji for a tour outside will you? He'll make sure you don't... put your foot in it.
Ben: Come on then.
Kimberly: You sure you want to go out there? It doesn't sound friendly.
Ben: Oh, I'm sure I'll be able to cope. I used to do this sort of thing a lot.
Kimberly: Don't tell me, you have a degree?
Another strange howl. Ben heads out. Voru follows. Sir Robert turns to look at Eve.
Sir Robert: Why my dear? You ARE looking pale, aren't you?
Eve glares at him.
Eve: I'm fine.
Theo sips his coffee, his expression dark.
Ben moves down the corridor towards the front door. He notices that no one is looking, and heads over to where Eve left her handbag. He takes out the vial Eve drank from - there is still a little blue fluid in it. Suspicious, he studies it when footsteps are heard. He shoves it in his jacket pocket. Voru has donned a long coat and carries a torch.
Ben: Ah. Voru. You ready for this?
Voru: Evidently, sir.
Ben warily steps from the front door. Voru follows. There is another howl.
Ben: (points) It's over there!
Voru shines the torch. The cowled figure is barely visible and ducks out of sight.
Ben: Did you see it? Something went into that gully!
Voru: I think we should take it slowly, sir.
Ben: Should we? The sooner we start, the sooner we finish.
Ben heads off. Voru sneers, but follows. Ben heads down to the creek and looks around, the torch light bobbing and aiming low. There is no sign of the figure. Ben slides down into the creek in a cloud of dry dust. Nothing. Another howl.
Ben: Angle the torch lower. Voru. Angle the torch lower. Voru?
Ben looks back. The torch is abandoned on the ground. There is no sign of Voru.
Ben: Voru!!
Ben scrambles up onto the ground. He looks around, picking up the torch.
Ben: Voru!! VORU!
There is no reply, except for another howl.
Ben: Stay calm, Ben, you have a degree... and it is utterly useless. Oh well. What would the Doctor do? Probably make a joke, lick the torch and head off in a direction quoting Chekov. Or Britney Spears. Not that useful really. Right. First law of crisis. Panic about one thing at a time.
Another scream. Ben hurries over to the door. He stops as shadows move near the entrance. He trains his torch on it. Nothing. He pushes open the door and hides inside.
Ben reenters the dining room. The others look up.
Theo: What was it?
Ben: No idea. It's still out here. I suppose Voru didn't pop back in for something?
Kimberly: No. Why?
Ben: Because that means he's disappeared. (grimaces) I better go looking for him.
Eve: No!
Everyone looks at her, surprised.
Ben: What's wrong?
Eve: Please. Ben. Just stay here.
Ben: I can't leave him out there, he might be in danger.
Kimberly: And maybe you might be in danger too! I say we stay here, lock all the doors and windows then leg it at dawn.
Theo: We don't know anything's out there at all!
Another scream.
Theo: But I could be wrong.
Kimberly: So, we go with MY plan?
Sir Robert: It's a sensible idea, Miss Hoyle. Here. (hands her a key) You lock the front door. All the other doors and windows are locked, it gets damn cold here at night.
Eve: But Voru...
Sir Robert: Has his own key. He can get back in whenever he likes.
Ben: What if he's unable to get back? What if he loses his key? What if whatever is screaming insanely out there gets the key?
Theo: You are not helping any of us with stress-related nervous disorders, Benji.
Sir Robert: You're letting your imaginations run away with you. Now, now, Evelyn. Perhaps you could show your companions to the bedrooms upstairs. I realize it's quite a drive from the city to here. Maybe Theo and Benji want to have a look at the bedrooms, perhaps to choose one to live in while they work here.
Ben: Wait a minute, I never agreed...
Sir Robert: You haven't seen the bedrooms yet.
Ben: That doesn't really matter...
Sir Robert: You haven't seen bedrooms this sumptuous before.
Another scream outside. Theo sighs.
Theo: (sotto) Benji, just be nice to the mad, wheelchair bound uncle in law.
The others start to leave. Sir Robert pours himself another cup of coffee.
Sir Robert: And tomorrow, when Voru is back and the weather improves, we can start afresh.
Outside, the cowled figure runs through the foggy woods.
Upstairs, Kimberly and Eve are in a fancy bedroom with a four-poster bed.
Kimberly: Nice digs.
Eve: Yeah, well, maybe Uncle will give you a job too.
Kimberly: Maybe not. Where did the other two go anyway?
Eve: Ah, Theo wanted a snack. I'm just going to pop in on the chef, OK?
Kimberly: OK.
Eve leaves the room. Kimberly crosses to the windows and checks they are locked. She stops at a low, female groan. Then a sob. Kimberly turns and scans the room. The noise is coming from the corridor.
Kimberly peers around the doorway, to see Eve further down the corridor, peering through another door. The sobs are heard from there.
Chef: (vo) Please... stop... burning... stop...
Scared, Eve steps back and slams the door. Further along the corridor, Sir Robert glides into view.
Eve: It's getting worse!
Sir Robert: She's borderline comatose now.
Eve: You can't let her suffer like that!
Sir Robert: Do you have any way of treating her? I thought not. Besides, it's her own fault for heading into the cellar. She is paying the price for her interference.
Eve: I never thought you could be so...
Sir Robert: Unfeeling?
Eve: Practical.
Sir Robert: Until I perfect the treatment for her, there is nothing I... or YOU... can do about it.
Kimberly slips out of the room and goes to tell the others. They do not see her.
Eve: You're becoming more like father every day!
Sir Robert: (icily) My beloved Evelyn... without ME your dear, dear father would have found you by now. Without ME you would not have the supply of rather rare and expensive chemicals keeping YOU the way you are now.
Eve: You think I forgot?
Sir Robert: Oh no. I never thought that. But unless you help me, I might just decide to let nature take its course. What would happen to you would be... interesting to monitor. To say the least. Do you understand me?
Eve nods, silent.
Sir Robert: Good.
Downstairs, Theo heads out of the kitchen, followed by Ben. Theo holds a plate with a sandwich on it. Ben holds the vial.
Ben: Don't give me that! You know how to do it! It's not much to ask, is it?
Theo: I'm not doing it.
Ben: Just analyze it, that's all I'm asking for.
Theo: Oh yeah? You think I don't know where you got that from? Analyze it yourself.
Ben: You're being wilfully blind, Theo!
Theo: And you're being paranoid, rude and untrustworthy, you absinthe-chugging loser!
They stop by the staircase.
Ben: Just because you aren't brave enough to ask her what it is!
Theo: Maybe I'm mature enough to keep a promise, Chatham!
Ben: You call me immature! I've known preschoolers with more self-restraint!
Theo doesn't answer, instead looking down the hall. Ben follows his gaze, and flinches. The front door is wide open. And, sprawled on the carpet in front of it, soaked in blood, is the body of Voru....
- to be continued
Friday 23 March 2007
"Isolated Incidents" : Part Three
Kimberly's car sits a few streets away from the pub. Kimberly sits in the driver's seat, Ben in the passenger seat and Theo in the back. The radio is on.
Radio: ...floods are now even more extreme and evacuations have been brought forward. Hurricane Wendy is now moving through Washington, causing widespread devastation and panic.The United Zones have now fully transferred all powers and treaties from the disbanded United Nations...
Ben: Can't we go back to the easy listening channel?
Kimberly: Hey, you're the one that needs to catch up on current events.
Ben: I've caught up. Honestly, they'll be on about the Mars colony next.
Radio: On lighter news, the first colonists have arrived at Biosphere One, establishing the first human foothold on Mars since the ill-fated...
Ben: See? So formulaic!
Kimberly: OK, OK.
Kimberly changes the station. "All Along The Watchtower" by Jimmi Hendrix plays. Eve hurries up to the car, opening another vial of blue liquid. She sips half of it, then gets into the car.
Theo: You ready to go, Eve?
Eve: (puts on belt) When you are.
Kimberly starts the engine. Ben frowns as he sees Eve quaff the rest of the vial and then, realizing he's noticed, drops into her hand bag. The car heads off down the road.
As the music plays, the car heads down a highway, then onto a smaller road. Patches of fog waft past the car as they move through the countryside.
Theo: Well, this is going to be a pleasant commute every day.
The car moves through a particularly dense patch of fog. Over the hillocks can be made a small mansion.
Ben: You ever see The Shining?
Eve: What?
Ben: Old movie. Stanley Kubrick. Jack Nicholson?
Theo: Some kind of musical, is it?
Ben: Never mind. This place, though...
Eve: (quickly) You're not seeing it at its best.
Ben: I should hope not. Makes the House of Usher look positively child-friendly!
Kimberly: Is that the one with Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmonsen?
Ben: (sighs) You lot make me despair about future generations, you really do.
Theo: Too late to worry about it now.
The car pulls up by a very rickety looking bridge over a dried up creek. Not far away, a cloaked figure steps out of the mists and ducks to the cover of a tree.
Theo: What are you stopping for?
Kimberly: I don't think that bridge will take the weight of the car. We can walk.
Ben: Oh, fantastic!
They start to disembark. The hooded head peers around the branch.
Theo: Wow. It's so quiet. We can't be that far from the motorway. We should be able to hear it.
Eve: Must be the fog.
Kimberly: I thought sound traveled faster in a fog?
Eve: (impatient) Well, then it must be something else.
Kimberly crosses to the skeletal bushes nearby.
Kimberly: Looks like autumn's come early.
She pulls down on the bush to peer past it, but it snaps and crumbles apart. Kimberly jumps back as the grass beneath implodes in dust.
Kimberly: What the hell?!
The others hurry over.
Eve: What happened?
Kimberly: It just crumpled apart, like it was burnt to a crisp...
Theo: (looking around) Not the only thing. All the plants are like that.
Ben: Some kind of blight?
Kimberly: That kills the trees too?
She thumps a small tree. The branches snap off.
Ben: I wish I had a geiger counter.
Eve: Why?
Ben: Just to be on the safe side. I'd hate to think we were being exposed to radiation right now.
Kimberly: (hopeful) We should be all right. If we leave now.
Eve: No! (softer) No, I mean, we came here for a job interview.
The hooded head moves out of view.
Ben: Eve, no offence, but I don't know if I'd want a job here.
Eve: I promised you'd turn up!
Ben: We did! Now we can go!
Theo: Look, if this place is radioactive, her Uncle should be told. Come on.
Theo crosses over the bridge, which groans under his weight. He frowns and looks ahead.
Theo: Wait a minute...
He takes a step forward. Eve spots something and cries out:
Eve: Theo, jump!
Theo does so - and just avoids having a bear trap snapping shut. The others hurry over.
Ben: A bear-trap! Your uncle doesn't like visitors, does he?
Eve: Must be a mistake...
Kimberly runs her hand over it.
Kimberly: It's in good nick. Doesn't even have any rust on it... so someone put it here for a reason.
Ben: Right, spooky atmosphere, radioactive vegetation, and now man traps. I think we might want to go.
Theo: Come on, Benji, where's your sense of adventure.
Ben: Died a slow death on the wooden planet of Archeron.
Theo: Fine. But there's some kind of crator on that hill I want to have a look at.
Theo heads off. Eve follows, as does Kimberly. Ben is left alone. Then, he shrugs and follows the others, muttering under his breath. The cloaked figure rises from behind the abandoned car.
The quartet head for the front door.
Kimberly: So, who is your uncle, anyway?
Eve: Sir Robert Markson. He's not famous. He's my father's brother, and, well, he's been looking after me ever since I came to Cardiff.
Ben: (frowns) When was that?
Eve: A while ago.
The door ahead of them opens. A medium sized man in a butler's uniform and a Karl Marx beard appears. This Voru, and he speaks with a German accent.
Voru: Ah, good evening, Miss Eve. Please, do come in.
Ben: You know there's a bear trap on your front path?
Voru: Indeed I do, sir, and observe none of you are hurt. Please, enter.
They head inside. The cloaked figure stands on the bridge, looking straight at the front door. Voru catches sight of the cloaked figure as mist wafts past. The figure is gone. Voru ducks inside and slams the door shut.
The dining room of the mansion. "The Last Wall of the Castle" by Jefferson Airplane plays on an antique record player. Voru leads in the group.
Ben: That man trap nearly cost my friend his leg.
Voru: He has two in what appear to be working order.
Ben: That is beside the point! What was it doing out there?
Voru: Such matters are beyond my purveiw, sir. No dout the master of the house will have the answer.
Kimberly: (politely) Can we see him?
A pleasant, balding man in an electric wheelchair glides from the electric fire.
Sir Robert: Ah, my dear Evelyn, how wonderful it is to see you again! And who are these delightful young friends of yours?
Eve: This is Ben Chatham, Kimberly Hoyle and this is Theo.
Sir Robert: Ah, Theo. Evelyn's been talking my ear off about you, I do hope you're taking care of my favorite niece.
Theo: (shakes his hand) I do my best, Sir Robert.
Sir Robert: Excellent. But I am being a terrible host. Welcome to Orpheus Manor. Fetch us some coffe, would you, Voru?
Voru: But of course, sir.
Voru leaves as the others take their seats near the fire.
Sir Robert: The cook is indisposed at the moment, but young Voru makes coffee so good I dare say the United Zones will declare it a banned substance soon. Yes, Theo, I don't suppose you can cook, can you?
Theo: A very limited repertoire. But my pizza ordering skills are second to none.
Sir Robert: (laughs) No doubt. Yes, but, er, I'm afraid we're a bit far out for Jubilee Pizzas to consider worthy.
Theo: You should ask my apprentice, young Benji.
Ben: (hisses) Don't call me Benji.
Sir Robert: So, Benji, can you cook?
Ben: Yes, but I try to eat healthy. I'm a vegetarian.
Sir Robert: Yes, well, I am not. Oh well. I suppose Voru's stuck with sandwich making.
Ben: What happened to the chef?
Sir Robert: Hmm? Oh, she's got some condition that's left her bed ridden. Just when the caretaker left without notice. Worst possible time, as you can imagine...
Ben: What sort of condition?
Sir Robert: Why do you ask?
Ben: Well, if we're going to be working here... I mean, if it was food poisoning and we work in the kitchen...
Sir Robert: Oh, nonsense, Benji. Nonsense. It's a disease, sort of chronic fatique syndrome except on top of that she's become allergic to sunlight. Whatever it is, it isn't catching.
Eve: Ignore him. He's a hypochondriac.
Voru returns with a tray of cups and a steaming urn.
Sir Robert: Ah, Voru, perfect timing.
Voru starts pouring them cups.
Theo: Er, Sir Robert?
Sir Robert: Yes, my boy?
Theo: I was just curious. The landscape outside...
Eve: Oh, don't bother about that, Theo.
Kimberly: No, it's just that all the plants seem to be dead and crumbling.
Sir Robert: Oh, part of this damn Greenhouse Crisis, I should think. You noticed that ditch blown out of the hill? Well, that was one of my inventions. It's my hobby... trying to get out of this blasted chair. Anyway, it didn't quite work. Caused a bit of an explosion and a fire, but Voru and the others were able to backburn it... Probably looks awful out there now?
Theo: I have seen nicer landscapes.
Sir Robert: Still, the seclusion means there are no neighbors to complain.
Ben: No one else at all?
Sir Robert: No, we're quite alone out here. Didn't Evelyn mention that?
Ben: (suspicious) No...
At that point there is a strange howling sound that last for a few seconds. Theo spills his coffee. Ben and Kimberly look around wildly.
Kimberly: What was that?!
Ben: It came from outside!
Outside, night is falling. The hooded figure stands before the door, its hooded head aimed at the sky. The howling noise is heard again...
- to be continued
Radio: ...floods are now even more extreme and evacuations have been brought forward. Hurricane Wendy is now moving through Washington, causing widespread devastation and panic.The United Zones have now fully transferred all powers and treaties from the disbanded United Nations...
Ben: Can't we go back to the easy listening channel?
Kimberly: Hey, you're the one that needs to catch up on current events.
Ben: I've caught up. Honestly, they'll be on about the Mars colony next.
Radio: On lighter news, the first colonists have arrived at Biosphere One, establishing the first human foothold on Mars since the ill-fated...
Ben: See? So formulaic!
Kimberly: OK, OK.
Kimberly changes the station. "All Along The Watchtower" by Jimmi Hendrix plays. Eve hurries up to the car, opening another vial of blue liquid. She sips half of it, then gets into the car.
Theo: You ready to go, Eve?
Eve: (puts on belt) When you are.
Kimberly starts the engine. Ben frowns as he sees Eve quaff the rest of the vial and then, realizing he's noticed, drops into her hand bag. The car heads off down the road.
As the music plays, the car heads down a highway, then onto a smaller road. Patches of fog waft past the car as they move through the countryside.
Theo: Well, this is going to be a pleasant commute every day.
The car moves through a particularly dense patch of fog. Over the hillocks can be made a small mansion.
Ben: You ever see The Shining?
Eve: What?
Ben: Old movie. Stanley Kubrick. Jack Nicholson?
Theo: Some kind of musical, is it?
Ben: Never mind. This place, though...
Eve: (quickly) You're not seeing it at its best.
Ben: I should hope not. Makes the House of Usher look positively child-friendly!
Kimberly: Is that the one with Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmonsen?
Ben: (sighs) You lot make me despair about future generations, you really do.
Theo: Too late to worry about it now.
The car pulls up by a very rickety looking bridge over a dried up creek. Not far away, a cloaked figure steps out of the mists and ducks to the cover of a tree.
Theo: What are you stopping for?
Kimberly: I don't think that bridge will take the weight of the car. We can walk.
Ben: Oh, fantastic!
They start to disembark. The hooded head peers around the branch.
Theo: Wow. It's so quiet. We can't be that far from the motorway. We should be able to hear it.
Eve: Must be the fog.
Kimberly: I thought sound traveled faster in a fog?
Eve: (impatient) Well, then it must be something else.
Kimberly crosses to the skeletal bushes nearby.
Kimberly: Looks like autumn's come early.
She pulls down on the bush to peer past it, but it snaps and crumbles apart. Kimberly jumps back as the grass beneath implodes in dust.
Kimberly: What the hell?!
The others hurry over.
Eve: What happened?
Kimberly: It just crumpled apart, like it was burnt to a crisp...
Theo: (looking around) Not the only thing. All the plants are like that.
Ben: Some kind of blight?
Kimberly: That kills the trees too?
She thumps a small tree. The branches snap off.
Ben: I wish I had a geiger counter.
Eve: Why?
Ben: Just to be on the safe side. I'd hate to think we were being exposed to radiation right now.
Kimberly: (hopeful) We should be all right. If we leave now.
Eve: No! (softer) No, I mean, we came here for a job interview.
The hooded head moves out of view.
Ben: Eve, no offence, but I don't know if I'd want a job here.
Eve: I promised you'd turn up!
Ben: We did! Now we can go!
Theo: Look, if this place is radioactive, her Uncle should be told. Come on.
Theo crosses over the bridge, which groans under his weight. He frowns and looks ahead.
Theo: Wait a minute...
He takes a step forward. Eve spots something and cries out:
Eve: Theo, jump!
Theo does so - and just avoids having a bear trap snapping shut. The others hurry over.
Ben: A bear-trap! Your uncle doesn't like visitors, does he?
Eve: Must be a mistake...
Kimberly runs her hand over it.
Kimberly: It's in good nick. Doesn't even have any rust on it... so someone put it here for a reason.
Ben: Right, spooky atmosphere, radioactive vegetation, and now man traps. I think we might want to go.
Theo: Come on, Benji, where's your sense of adventure.
Ben: Died a slow death on the wooden planet of Archeron.
Theo: Fine. But there's some kind of crator on that hill I want to have a look at.
Theo heads off. Eve follows, as does Kimberly. Ben is left alone. Then, he shrugs and follows the others, muttering under his breath. The cloaked figure rises from behind the abandoned car.
The quartet head for the front door.
Kimberly: So, who is your uncle, anyway?
Eve: Sir Robert Markson. He's not famous. He's my father's brother, and, well, he's been looking after me ever since I came to Cardiff.
Ben: (frowns) When was that?
Eve: A while ago.
The door ahead of them opens. A medium sized man in a butler's uniform and a Karl Marx beard appears. This Voru, and he speaks with a German accent.
Voru: Ah, good evening, Miss Eve. Please, do come in.
Ben: You know there's a bear trap on your front path?
Voru: Indeed I do, sir, and observe none of you are hurt. Please, enter.
They head inside. The cloaked figure stands on the bridge, looking straight at the front door. Voru catches sight of the cloaked figure as mist wafts past. The figure is gone. Voru ducks inside and slams the door shut.
The dining room of the mansion. "The Last Wall of the Castle" by Jefferson Airplane plays on an antique record player. Voru leads in the group.
Ben: That man trap nearly cost my friend his leg.
Voru: He has two in what appear to be working order.
Ben: That is beside the point! What was it doing out there?
Voru: Such matters are beyond my purveiw, sir. No dout the master of the house will have the answer.
Kimberly: (politely) Can we see him?
A pleasant, balding man in an electric wheelchair glides from the electric fire.
Sir Robert: Ah, my dear Evelyn, how wonderful it is to see you again! And who are these delightful young friends of yours?
Eve: This is Ben Chatham, Kimberly Hoyle and this is Theo.
Sir Robert: Ah, Theo. Evelyn's been talking my ear off about you, I do hope you're taking care of my favorite niece.
Theo: (shakes his hand) I do my best, Sir Robert.
Sir Robert: Excellent. But I am being a terrible host. Welcome to Orpheus Manor. Fetch us some coffe, would you, Voru?
Voru: But of course, sir.
Voru leaves as the others take their seats near the fire.
Sir Robert: The cook is indisposed at the moment, but young Voru makes coffee so good I dare say the United Zones will declare it a banned substance soon. Yes, Theo, I don't suppose you can cook, can you?
Theo: A very limited repertoire. But my pizza ordering skills are second to none.
Sir Robert: (laughs) No doubt. Yes, but, er, I'm afraid we're a bit far out for Jubilee Pizzas to consider worthy.
Theo: You should ask my apprentice, young Benji.
Ben: (hisses) Don't call me Benji.
Sir Robert: So, Benji, can you cook?
Ben: Yes, but I try to eat healthy. I'm a vegetarian.
Sir Robert: Yes, well, I am not. Oh well. I suppose Voru's stuck with sandwich making.
Ben: What happened to the chef?
Sir Robert: Hmm? Oh, she's got some condition that's left her bed ridden. Just when the caretaker left without notice. Worst possible time, as you can imagine...
Ben: What sort of condition?
Sir Robert: Why do you ask?
Ben: Well, if we're going to be working here... I mean, if it was food poisoning and we work in the kitchen...
Sir Robert: Oh, nonsense, Benji. Nonsense. It's a disease, sort of chronic fatique syndrome except on top of that she's become allergic to sunlight. Whatever it is, it isn't catching.
Eve: Ignore him. He's a hypochondriac.
Voru returns with a tray of cups and a steaming urn.
Sir Robert: Ah, Voru, perfect timing.
Voru starts pouring them cups.
Theo: Er, Sir Robert?
Sir Robert: Yes, my boy?
Theo: I was just curious. The landscape outside...
Eve: Oh, don't bother about that, Theo.
Kimberly: No, it's just that all the plants seem to be dead and crumbling.
Sir Robert: Oh, part of this damn Greenhouse Crisis, I should think. You noticed that ditch blown out of the hill? Well, that was one of my inventions. It's my hobby... trying to get out of this blasted chair. Anyway, it didn't quite work. Caused a bit of an explosion and a fire, but Voru and the others were able to backburn it... Probably looks awful out there now?
Theo: I have seen nicer landscapes.
Sir Robert: Still, the seclusion means there are no neighbors to complain.
Ben: No one else at all?
Sir Robert: No, we're quite alone out here. Didn't Evelyn mention that?
Ben: (suspicious) No...
At that point there is a strange howling sound that last for a few seconds. Theo spills his coffee. Ben and Kimberly look around wildly.
Kimberly: What was that?!
Ben: It came from outside!
Outside, night is falling. The hooded figure stands before the door, its hooded head aimed at the sky. The howling noise is heard again...
- to be continued
Thursday 22 March 2007
The Second Part of "Isolated Incidents"
Anyway, here is the second part of this canon Odyssey story:
Two Cybermen, carrying Anderson's comatose boy, enter the flight deck.
Cyberleader: The Controller orders the fleshmen to be taken through to the experimentation chamber.
Cyberman: Understood.
They head through an archway, deeper into the ship.
Theo heads up the street to Eve's apartment. He lets himself in and looks around.
Theo: Eve? Eve?
Eve emerges from the bathroom, looking perfectly healthy.
Theo: Ah. Looking right as rain again. Was it something you ate?
Eve: Probably. How are you?
Theo: Feeling irretrievably smug.
Eve: Shut them up, did it?
Theo: They may never speak again. But I also feel a little guitly. I don't really like scrounging off my girlfriend.
Eve: I can afford it.
Theo: Can you? How? You just happen to have money to burn nowadays?
Eve: Theo.
Theo: Yeah?
Eve: Leave it. Please.
Theo: (placatingly) All right, all right, I'll leave it. (to himself) Just this once.
Blackness. A low buzzing noise. The blackness brightens into a blur.
Anderson: Wh... what happened? Where... where am I?
Controller: (vo) YOU ARE IN A CONVERSION UNIT. REMAIN SILENT.
Anderson groggily looks around. He is in an upright cubicle, held down by machinery across his torso. His shirt has been removed. Red and green lasers play over his body. Beyond stand three Cybermen.
Controller: (vo) SCANNING IS ALMOST COMPLETE. WE WILL SURVIVE.
Anderson stares fearfully at the impassive metal masks.
A Welsh pub. Ben and Kimberly sit at a table. Ben Lee's "Into the Dark" plays in the background.
Kimberly: You could always ask Eve for work.
Ben: Eve?
Kimberly: Yeah.
Ben: Theo's Eve?
Kimberly: Yeah. I mean, she's not short of a euro or two. She probably knows someone that can help.
Theo enters, carrying their drinks.
Theo: Did I hear you discussing the woman I love?
Ben: A bit. I was wondering if she might help me get a job.
Theo: She'd be up for it.
Ben: Yeah, but is she able?
Theo: I dunno.
Ben: What do you know? I mean, I don't even know her last name.
Theo: Markson.
Ben: OK, but who is she? What are her parents like? Is she kind to the servants?
Theo: What's with the third degree?
Ben: It's just struck me I have no idea about her, except that she's in love with you. For some reason.
Theo: It's all that matters.
Kimberly: Come on, Theo, we're not after blackmail.
Theo: Good, because you came to the wrong person. I don't know much about her either.
Kimberly: Theo. She's your girlfriend. You're supposed to know something.
Theo: It's not my fault. She... doesn't want to talk about her old life. Everything before I bumped into her at that night club she does not want to talk, think about or remember. And I don't mind.
Ben: She could be anything. A criminal!
Theo: Does she look like a criminal, Ben? Or act like one? And, there are no puncture marks on her arms, legs, or feet, she doesn't have a sniffly problem and she's emotionally stable so, I think she's not a recovering junkie either. She's quite happy to talk about anything else.
Kimberly: But, aren't you the least bit curious?
Theo: (sips drink) I survive.
Ben: You could demand answers from her.
Theo: I could. And she could leave me.
Ben: (laughs) And then where would you be? I mean, bodies like that with cash don't come along every day.
Theo: (annoyed) Oh, piss off, Ben!
Ben: Sorry! Sorry.
Eve: (vo) So you should be.
Ben closes his eyes in pain. Eve is standing behind them, arms folded.
Ben: Oh, I am. How nasty a substance have I put my foot into?
Eve: Pretty nasty.
Eve sits down beside Theo.
Ben: Would you like something to drink?
Eve: No thank you. (brighter) Theo, I had a chat to my uncle, the one with the mansion outside of town? Well, he's looking for a caretaker and I couldn't think of a better jack of all trades than you.
Kimberly: Less than a week unemployed, that has to beat the record.
They high-five.
Theo: I suppose I could use some caretaker's mate. Fancy some work experience, Benji?
Ben: Don't call me Benji, Theo.
Theo: Sorry, but if you want the job, you'll have to get used to calling me sir. That is, the lovely Eve will allow you the chance to get a job as you were begging for not moments ago.
Ben whimpers.
Ben: I suppose getting down on my hands and knees and begging forgiveness in order?
Eve: (icily) Of course not, Benji. I learnt long ago to be patient with people who claim to time travel in phone boxes.
Ben: It was a police box!
Kimberly: Mouth is open, Benji.
Ben: Not you too!
At the mobile UNIT HQ Commander Kibbun is pacing behind his desk.
Frost: The body of shape shifter is decaying rapidly. The lab boys are doing their best, but they reckon it will be compost by this afternoon.
Kibbun: Damnit, Frost. First, an unexplained cave demolition, then the shape shfter, then that mysterious reality shift on the weekend and we have no information about any of it! And all of it occured long before UNIT can take charge, this operation has been a shambles!
Frost picks up a dossier. It contains a photo of Ben.
Frost: And this man has, to some extent, been involved in all three extra-normal activities.
Kibbun: Yes. I think we might pay Benjamin Chatham a visit.
Frost: You think what they're saying is true?
Kibbun: And what are "they" saying?
Frost: That Ben Chatham is, well, a Magician's Apprentice.
Kibbun: That, Frost, is why I haven't already had him picked up. It could be that...
There is a knock at the door.
Kibbun: Come!
A Captain enters.
Kibbun: Yes, what is it, Jefferson?
Jefferson: Sorry, sir. Anderson is missing.
Kibbun scowls.
The gang are finishing their drinks. The Who's "Substitute" plays.
Kimberly: Well, I could always give you a lift up this cottage...
Ben: It's not a cottage, it's a mansion.
Theo: Ooh, that'll look good on the resume.
Kimberly: Do you want a lift or what?
Ben: Depends - do we have to pay charge?
Eve: I'll catch you guys up.
Theo nods and they head for the exit.
Kimberly: Do you have any idea how much my car costs to run?
Theo: If you went electric like everyone else...
Eve ducks into the Ladies, checking the stalls are empty. She slips a bluetooth over her ear and presses it. It flashes blue.
Voice: Speak.
Eve: We're on our way.
Voice: So soon?
Eve: For an interview. Like we discussed.
Voice: Very well.
Eve: Please, please don't hurt them.
Voice: Young Theodore?
Eve: All of them! They're my friends, so just... don't hurt them.
Voice: Eve, the subjects will not suffer half as much as you will, if you disobey me.
The blue light cuts out.
Eve: No, no, don't hang up! Uncle! UNCLE!
Breathing hard with panic, she rips off her blue tooth and hurries out, her eyes wet with tears.
... to be continued
Two Cybermen, carrying Anderson's comatose boy, enter the flight deck.
Cyberleader: The Controller orders the fleshmen to be taken through to the experimentation chamber.
Cyberman: Understood.
They head through an archway, deeper into the ship.
Theo heads up the street to Eve's apartment. He lets himself in and looks around.
Theo: Eve? Eve?
Eve emerges from the bathroom, looking perfectly healthy.
Theo: Ah. Looking right as rain again. Was it something you ate?
Eve: Probably. How are you?
Theo: Feeling irretrievably smug.
Eve: Shut them up, did it?
Theo: They may never speak again. But I also feel a little guitly. I don't really like scrounging off my girlfriend.
Eve: I can afford it.
Theo: Can you? How? You just happen to have money to burn nowadays?
Eve: Theo.
Theo: Yeah?
Eve: Leave it. Please.
Theo: (placatingly) All right, all right, I'll leave it. (to himself) Just this once.
Blackness. A low buzzing noise. The blackness brightens into a blur.
Anderson: Wh... what happened? Where... where am I?
Controller: (vo) YOU ARE IN A CONVERSION UNIT. REMAIN SILENT.
Anderson groggily looks around. He is in an upright cubicle, held down by machinery across his torso. His shirt has been removed. Red and green lasers play over his body. Beyond stand three Cybermen.
Controller: (vo) SCANNING IS ALMOST COMPLETE. WE WILL SURVIVE.
Anderson stares fearfully at the impassive metal masks.
A Welsh pub. Ben and Kimberly sit at a table. Ben Lee's "Into the Dark" plays in the background.
Kimberly: You could always ask Eve for work.
Ben: Eve?
Kimberly: Yeah.
Ben: Theo's Eve?
Kimberly: Yeah. I mean, she's not short of a euro or two. She probably knows someone that can help.
Theo enters, carrying their drinks.
Theo: Did I hear you discussing the woman I love?
Ben: A bit. I was wondering if she might help me get a job.
Theo: She'd be up for it.
Ben: Yeah, but is she able?
Theo: I dunno.
Ben: What do you know? I mean, I don't even know her last name.
Theo: Markson.
Ben: OK, but who is she? What are her parents like? Is she kind to the servants?
Theo: What's with the third degree?
Ben: It's just struck me I have no idea about her, except that she's in love with you. For some reason.
Theo: It's all that matters.
Kimberly: Come on, Theo, we're not after blackmail.
Theo: Good, because you came to the wrong person. I don't know much about her either.
Kimberly: Theo. She's your girlfriend. You're supposed to know something.
Theo: It's not my fault. She... doesn't want to talk about her old life. Everything before I bumped into her at that night club she does not want to talk, think about or remember. And I don't mind.
Ben: She could be anything. A criminal!
Theo: Does she look like a criminal, Ben? Or act like one? And, there are no puncture marks on her arms, legs, or feet, she doesn't have a sniffly problem and she's emotionally stable so, I think she's not a recovering junkie either. She's quite happy to talk about anything else.
Kimberly: But, aren't you the least bit curious?
Theo: (sips drink) I survive.
Ben: You could demand answers from her.
Theo: I could. And she could leave me.
Ben: (laughs) And then where would you be? I mean, bodies like that with cash don't come along every day.
Theo: (annoyed) Oh, piss off, Ben!
Ben: Sorry! Sorry.
Eve: (vo) So you should be.
Ben closes his eyes in pain. Eve is standing behind them, arms folded.
Ben: Oh, I am. How nasty a substance have I put my foot into?
Eve: Pretty nasty.
Eve sits down beside Theo.
Ben: Would you like something to drink?
Eve: No thank you. (brighter) Theo, I had a chat to my uncle, the one with the mansion outside of town? Well, he's looking for a caretaker and I couldn't think of a better jack of all trades than you.
Kimberly: Less than a week unemployed, that has to beat the record.
They high-five.
Theo: I suppose I could use some caretaker's mate. Fancy some work experience, Benji?
Ben: Don't call me Benji, Theo.
Theo: Sorry, but if you want the job, you'll have to get used to calling me sir. That is, the lovely Eve will allow you the chance to get a job as you were begging for not moments ago.
Ben whimpers.
Ben: I suppose getting down on my hands and knees and begging forgiveness in order?
Eve: (icily) Of course not, Benji. I learnt long ago to be patient with people who claim to time travel in phone boxes.
Ben: It was a police box!
Kimberly: Mouth is open, Benji.
Ben: Not you too!
At the mobile UNIT HQ Commander Kibbun is pacing behind his desk.
Frost: The body of shape shifter is decaying rapidly. The lab boys are doing their best, but they reckon it will be compost by this afternoon.
Kibbun: Damnit, Frost. First, an unexplained cave demolition, then the shape shfter, then that mysterious reality shift on the weekend and we have no information about any of it! And all of it occured long before UNIT can take charge, this operation has been a shambles!
Frost picks up a dossier. It contains a photo of Ben.
Frost: And this man has, to some extent, been involved in all three extra-normal activities.
Kibbun: Yes. I think we might pay Benjamin Chatham a visit.
Frost: You think what they're saying is true?
Kibbun: And what are "they" saying?
Frost: That Ben Chatham is, well, a Magician's Apprentice.
Kibbun: That, Frost, is why I haven't already had him picked up. It could be that...
There is a knock at the door.
Kibbun: Come!
A Captain enters.
Kibbun: Yes, what is it, Jefferson?
Jefferson: Sorry, sir. Anderson is missing.
Kibbun scowls.
The gang are finishing their drinks. The Who's "Substitute" plays.
Kimberly: Well, I could always give you a lift up this cottage...
Ben: It's not a cottage, it's a mansion.
Theo: Ooh, that'll look good on the resume.
Kimberly: Do you want a lift or what?
Ben: Depends - do we have to pay charge?
Eve: I'll catch you guys up.
Theo nods and they head for the exit.
Kimberly: Do you have any idea how much my car costs to run?
Theo: If you went electric like everyone else...
Eve ducks into the Ladies, checking the stalls are empty. She slips a bluetooth over her ear and presses it. It flashes blue.
Voice: Speak.
Eve: We're on our way.
Voice: So soon?
Eve: For an interview. Like we discussed.
Voice: Very well.
Eve: Please, please don't hurt them.
Voice: Young Theodore?
Eve: All of them! They're my friends, so just... don't hurt them.
Voice: Eve, the subjects will not suffer half as much as you will, if you disobey me.
The blue light cuts out.
Eve: No, no, don't hang up! Uncle! UNCLE!
Breathing hard with panic, she rips off her blue tooth and hurries out, her eyes wet with tears.
... to be continued
"Isolated Incidents" : An Odyssey Adventure
Here it is, the first part of a new Doctor Who spin series adventure, featuring Ben, Kimberly, Theo & Eve.
VOICEOVER: On December 24th, 2006, amateur archaeologist Benjamin Sebastian Chatham was doing research into pre-Christian remnants and associations in the small village of Little Balcome. That night he disappeared off the face of the Earth, last seen in the company of a strange man calling himself the Doctor near an obsolete metropoliton police box.Ben Chatham subsequently reappeared in the middle of Wales on May 4th, 2010 no older even though four years had passed. Now he must find a place for himself in a future where he doesn't belong and even now is beset by some of the most strangest and disturbing phenomenon known to man. Now in Cardiff, Ben survives as an all-round handyman with an open mind and knowledge of extra terrestrial life forms.If you have a problem...If no one else can help...If it's not too late...And if you can find him...You could do worse than ask Ben Chatham for help.
ISOLATED INCIDENTS
A car pulls up on a country road and a man in civvies, Anderson, emerges. Cautiously he moves through some foliage until he is looking at the valley below. As he approaches, a silver space craft shimmers into existence. Inside, the silver shapes of the crew watch him on their scanner. They are Cybermen!!!
Cyberman: The human has penetrated the detector blind, leader.
Cyberleader: That is to be expected. Raise communication barrier. This is part of the plan.
Anderson stares at the alien ship, then checks his bluetooth. He presses a button. Static. He looks down at the ship and then hurries backwards. The ship vanishes. Anderson tries his bluetooth static.
Inside the ship, the Cybermen watch on.
Cyberman: Communication barrier at full strength.
Cyberleader: Release the Cybermats.
Outside, Anderson heads back to his car. He stops as a quiet bleeping noise is heard. Frowning, Anderson looks around for the source of the noise. A silver shape emerges from the bushes and glides through the grass towards him, bleeping louder and louder. Anderson turns and sees two more heading down the road towards him. More emerge from hiding, the bleeping is defeaning.
Cyberleader: Tap into the fleshman's brainwaves.
A Cybermat leaps onto Anderson's shoulder. He sees it and opens his mouth to scream. Its tiny eyes pulse red. Anderson is transfixed. The dozen other Cybermats' eyes are also flashing. Anderson sways, topples, and crashes to the ground. Bleeping louder and louder, the Cybermats swarm over his still body.
Kimberly and Ben are having breakfast. Kim Wilde's "Kids in America" plays on the radio.
Ben: (flips through newspaper) The prices of these places are ridiculous.
Kimberly: Well, you're the rich man now, remember?
Ben: Not THAT rich. Even an apartment would bankrupt me. The market's obviously gone downhill since I was last here... four years is a long time in property values.
Kimberly: You could get a job to help out.
Ben: Not as easy as it sounds.
Kimberly: What? You with your degree?
Ben: It might have got me a job at the museum. But I've been blacklisted. Honestly, try to stop a chameleonic parasite from wiping out humanity and this is the thanks I get.
Kimberly: You could always get an IT job, like me.
Ben: Maybe, but all the computer are four years more advanced. You don't even have televisions any more!
Kimberly: Tele... Oh, right. TVs. Well, the computers took over that. Digital broadcasts.
Ben: I can't even get the internet to work. Who'll employ me when even the keyboards aren't the same shape!
Kimberly: Yeah, well, you can stay here as long as you pay rent. But you're going stir-crazy. Maybe you could start a band, get famous. You can play an instrument can't you?
Ben: A couple. But I don't know anyone else in town who'd have the same interests - or skills. Everyone does it on computer nowadays... No. Looks like low-paid menial jobs are all I can get.
Kimberly: No shame in that. We're all in the gutter - it only matters that we're looking at the stars.
Ben: (smiles sadly) Guess so.
In an office, three stern looking beaurocrats are glaring across the table at Theo, who isn't that fussed.
Boss: Everyone's first day is the worst, but even allowing for that, you crashed the bus two hours into your job!
Theo: I'm not denying that, am I? No one was hurt...
Boss: The bus was utterly destroyed!
Theo: Are you saying a bus is worth more than human life?
Boss: I'm saying it's worth more than your job! We couldn't even use it for scrap!
Theo: You all read the papers, saw the news, you know what happened.
Boss: Yes, you gave your friends a joy ride trying to chase some revived dinosaur, crashed the bus and blew it to pieces. Who do you think you are, Theo? Keanu bloody Reeves?
Theo: (snorts) Bogus.
Boss: Yes. Yes it is. And so is the fact you are fired.
Theo: Yeah, I did kind of detect that vibe. I suppose a reference is out of the question?
Boss: It is. You are summarily dismissed. No references. We will be discussing legal action...
Theo: Will you? When UNIT have all the evidence in their Area 51?
The boss seethes.
Boss: You shall also be fined for the replacement bus.
Theo: Ah. Well, I'm not saying it isn't fair, or that I wouldn't be willing to pay for it, but my liquid cash reserves are low. My parents died a while back...
Boss: I have no interest in your personal life, Mr. Klyngiro... Klyngira... Theo. The fact is you have no less than three months to pay us a sum for 11, 612 euros or you will be facing criminal charges and a possible prison sentence.
Theo: You're kidding! That bus wasn't worth that much!
Boss: We will have to replace the bus, retrain our drivers and rebuild the public confidence in this company that YOU alone, Theo, have destroyed. I am very disappointed in you Theo, and I can only tell you to learn from this in your future. Should you have one.
Theo: Fair enough. I'll just a whip round, shall I? Maybe I'll sell my story to the papers - "Heroic Bus Driver Fined For Saving Innocent Lives"! I know, I'll go round to the aristocracy and get myself adopted by the Duke of Kiddiminster and get an advance on his will! I'll be back in no time, so stay where you are.
He turns and storms out.
Outside the office, Eve is waiting for him at reception. Bare Jr's "You Blew Me Off" plays.
Eve: Didn't go well, huh?
Theo: Would have been easier if those hot coals they were raking me over were the genuine article.
Eve: Ouch. How bad?
Theo: 11, 612 euros. It'll have to be leftovers tonight.
Eve: You'll never raise that.
Theo: No. I won't. (sighs) Something will come up.
Eve: Don't be silly, I'll pay it for you.
Theo: (grins) Ah, that's your game, is it? Get me in debt to you so I have to be your slave forever, is it?
Eve: Yeah, whatever.
Theo: No. Eve, seriously. My problem. I'll sort it out. Maybe I can con Ben into setting up a get rich scheme...
Eve puts a hand to her head, as if dizzy.
Theo: Are you all right?
Eve: Fine. Look, have the money. Not as a loan, just... just a present. (She starts writing a cheque) I'd only waste in on sour cream, champagne and caviar.
Theo: You hate sour cream, champagne and caviar.
Eve: That's why it would be a waste. (hands over cheque) Please, Theo. For...
She sways. Theo catches her.
Theo: What is it? What's wrong?
Eve: Nothing. Just a bit dizzy. You will give it to them, won't you?
Theo: Yeah, course I will. Look, what's wrong? You look so pale.
Eve: I'll be fine. I'll see you round, I've got to... to go...
She suddenly pushes him aside and runs out. The secretary glances at Theo, who beams at him.
Theo: She's a chapel girl, ain't she?
The beaurocrats are chatting when Theo bursts through the door and throws the checque on the table.
Theo: There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Terribly sorry about the delay.
The boss picks it up, gobsmacked.
Theo: You can keep the change, since money is so important to you. You'll be hearing from my lawyers about this unfair dismissal. No doubt you'll be able to pay for damages, since you are now 11, 612 euros richer. I'll see you lot on the way down.
He sweeps out again. The beaurocrats are speechless.
Beaurocrat: Well, you sure screwed THAT up, Monica.
The Living End's cover of "Tainted Love" plays. Eve returns to her apartment, looking pale, sweaty and ill. Desperately she crosses to a closet filled with silver cases and takes one out. She opens it to reveal phials of a thick blue liquid. She swigs one down and collapses, before rapidly recovering and in moments is fine. Sadly she returns the case to the closet and throws the empty vial into a bin already full of them........
- to be continued
VOICEOVER: On December 24th, 2006, amateur archaeologist Benjamin Sebastian Chatham was doing research into pre-Christian remnants and associations in the small village of Little Balcome. That night he disappeared off the face of the Earth, last seen in the company of a strange man calling himself the Doctor near an obsolete metropoliton police box.Ben Chatham subsequently reappeared in the middle of Wales on May 4th, 2010 no older even though four years had passed. Now he must find a place for himself in a future where he doesn't belong and even now is beset by some of the most strangest and disturbing phenomenon known to man. Now in Cardiff, Ben survives as an all-round handyman with an open mind and knowledge of extra terrestrial life forms.If you have a problem...If no one else can help...If it's not too late...And if you can find him...You could do worse than ask Ben Chatham for help.
ISOLATED INCIDENTS
A car pulls up on a country road and a man in civvies, Anderson, emerges. Cautiously he moves through some foliage until he is looking at the valley below. As he approaches, a silver space craft shimmers into existence. Inside, the silver shapes of the crew watch him on their scanner. They are Cybermen!!!
Cyberman: The human has penetrated the detector blind, leader.
Cyberleader: That is to be expected. Raise communication barrier. This is part of the plan.
Anderson stares at the alien ship, then checks his bluetooth. He presses a button. Static. He looks down at the ship and then hurries backwards. The ship vanishes. Anderson tries his bluetooth static.
Inside the ship, the Cybermen watch on.
Cyberman: Communication barrier at full strength.
Cyberleader: Release the Cybermats.
Outside, Anderson heads back to his car. He stops as a quiet bleeping noise is heard. Frowning, Anderson looks around for the source of the noise. A silver shape emerges from the bushes and glides through the grass towards him, bleeping louder and louder. Anderson turns and sees two more heading down the road towards him. More emerge from hiding, the bleeping is defeaning.
Cyberleader: Tap into the fleshman's brainwaves.
A Cybermat leaps onto Anderson's shoulder. He sees it and opens his mouth to scream. Its tiny eyes pulse red. Anderson is transfixed. The dozen other Cybermats' eyes are also flashing. Anderson sways, topples, and crashes to the ground. Bleeping louder and louder, the Cybermats swarm over his still body.
Kimberly and Ben are having breakfast. Kim Wilde's "Kids in America" plays on the radio.
Ben: (flips through newspaper) The prices of these places are ridiculous.
Kimberly: Well, you're the rich man now, remember?
Ben: Not THAT rich. Even an apartment would bankrupt me. The market's obviously gone downhill since I was last here... four years is a long time in property values.
Kimberly: You could get a job to help out.
Ben: Not as easy as it sounds.
Kimberly: What? You with your degree?
Ben: It might have got me a job at the museum. But I've been blacklisted. Honestly, try to stop a chameleonic parasite from wiping out humanity and this is the thanks I get.
Kimberly: You could always get an IT job, like me.
Ben: Maybe, but all the computer are four years more advanced. You don't even have televisions any more!
Kimberly: Tele... Oh, right. TVs. Well, the computers took over that. Digital broadcasts.
Ben: I can't even get the internet to work. Who'll employ me when even the keyboards aren't the same shape!
Kimberly: Yeah, well, you can stay here as long as you pay rent. But you're going stir-crazy. Maybe you could start a band, get famous. You can play an instrument can't you?
Ben: A couple. But I don't know anyone else in town who'd have the same interests - or skills. Everyone does it on computer nowadays... No. Looks like low-paid menial jobs are all I can get.
Kimberly: No shame in that. We're all in the gutter - it only matters that we're looking at the stars.
Ben: (smiles sadly) Guess so.
In an office, three stern looking beaurocrats are glaring across the table at Theo, who isn't that fussed.
Boss: Everyone's first day is the worst, but even allowing for that, you crashed the bus two hours into your job!
Theo: I'm not denying that, am I? No one was hurt...
Boss: The bus was utterly destroyed!
Theo: Are you saying a bus is worth more than human life?
Boss: I'm saying it's worth more than your job! We couldn't even use it for scrap!
Theo: You all read the papers, saw the news, you know what happened.
Boss: Yes, you gave your friends a joy ride trying to chase some revived dinosaur, crashed the bus and blew it to pieces. Who do you think you are, Theo? Keanu bloody Reeves?
Theo: (snorts) Bogus.
Boss: Yes. Yes it is. And so is the fact you are fired.
Theo: Yeah, I did kind of detect that vibe. I suppose a reference is out of the question?
Boss: It is. You are summarily dismissed. No references. We will be discussing legal action...
Theo: Will you? When UNIT have all the evidence in their Area 51?
The boss seethes.
Boss: You shall also be fined for the replacement bus.
Theo: Ah. Well, I'm not saying it isn't fair, or that I wouldn't be willing to pay for it, but my liquid cash reserves are low. My parents died a while back...
Boss: I have no interest in your personal life, Mr. Klyngiro... Klyngira... Theo. The fact is you have no less than three months to pay us a sum for 11, 612 euros or you will be facing criminal charges and a possible prison sentence.
Theo: You're kidding! That bus wasn't worth that much!
Boss: We will have to replace the bus, retrain our drivers and rebuild the public confidence in this company that YOU alone, Theo, have destroyed. I am very disappointed in you Theo, and I can only tell you to learn from this in your future. Should you have one.
Theo: Fair enough. I'll just a whip round, shall I? Maybe I'll sell my story to the papers - "Heroic Bus Driver Fined For Saving Innocent Lives"! I know, I'll go round to the aristocracy and get myself adopted by the Duke of Kiddiminster and get an advance on his will! I'll be back in no time, so stay where you are.
He turns and storms out.
Outside the office, Eve is waiting for him at reception. Bare Jr's "You Blew Me Off" plays.
Eve: Didn't go well, huh?
Theo: Would have been easier if those hot coals they were raking me over were the genuine article.
Eve: Ouch. How bad?
Theo: 11, 612 euros. It'll have to be leftovers tonight.
Eve: You'll never raise that.
Theo: No. I won't. (sighs) Something will come up.
Eve: Don't be silly, I'll pay it for you.
Theo: (grins) Ah, that's your game, is it? Get me in debt to you so I have to be your slave forever, is it?
Eve: Yeah, whatever.
Theo: No. Eve, seriously. My problem. I'll sort it out. Maybe I can con Ben into setting up a get rich scheme...
Eve puts a hand to her head, as if dizzy.
Theo: Are you all right?
Eve: Fine. Look, have the money. Not as a loan, just... just a present. (She starts writing a cheque) I'd only waste in on sour cream, champagne and caviar.
Theo: You hate sour cream, champagne and caviar.
Eve: That's why it would be a waste. (hands over cheque) Please, Theo. For...
She sways. Theo catches her.
Theo: What is it? What's wrong?
Eve: Nothing. Just a bit dizzy. You will give it to them, won't you?
Theo: Yeah, course I will. Look, what's wrong? You look so pale.
Eve: I'll be fine. I'll see you round, I've got to... to go...
She suddenly pushes him aside and runs out. The secretary glances at Theo, who beams at him.
Theo: She's a chapel girl, ain't she?
The beaurocrats are chatting when Theo bursts through the door and throws the checque on the table.
Theo: There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Terribly sorry about the delay.
The boss picks it up, gobsmacked.
Theo: You can keep the change, since money is so important to you. You'll be hearing from my lawyers about this unfair dismissal. No doubt you'll be able to pay for damages, since you are now 11, 612 euros richer. I'll see you lot on the way down.
He sweeps out again. The beaurocrats are speechless.
Beaurocrat: Well, you sure screwed THAT up, Monica.
The Living End's cover of "Tainted Love" plays. Eve returns to her apartment, looking pale, sweaty and ill. Desperately she crosses to a closet filled with silver cases and takes one out. She opens it to reveal phials of a thick blue liquid. She swigs one down and collapses, before rapidly recovering and in moments is fine. Sadly she returns the case to the closet and throws the empty vial into a bin already full of them........
- to be continued
Wednesday 21 March 2007
Ben Chatham's Guide to Death
1) Make sure you are dressed in your best outfit.
2) Make sure your death is quick and painless, and will leave as few a marks or bloodstains as possible. No one wants to look at a corpse disfigured or bloodied.
3) If choosing suicide, choose a nice expensive wine to down those sleeping pills with.
4) Make sure, no matter how you die, you take ten of those ill-refined chavs with you.
2) Make sure your death is quick and painless, and will leave as few a marks or bloodstains as possible. No one wants to look at a corpse disfigured or bloodied.
3) If choosing suicide, choose a nice expensive wine to down those sleeping pills with.
4) Make sure, no matter how you die, you take ten of those ill-refined chavs with you.
Saturday 17 March 2007
18 Death In The Cloisters
The Ben Chatham Misadventures:
Death In The Cloisters
(Of The Most Annoying Bastards In Doctor Who Ever)
Part One -
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor realizes that his companion Martha Jones has undergone a total change of personality. Her good humor, keen intelligence and gentle compassion has been replaced by...
"So... Martha! How about I take you to the year 5 billion to see a supernova? No? No. Well, we could travel back to see the birth of the Milky Way..."
"Oh, grow up, Doctor!"
"What? I was only suggesting..."
"You were trying to dazzle me with the power of your TARDIS. How very male. Kindly act your age!"
"Oh. OK. Ahem. How would you like to travel to the planet Zelos 2? It's on the outer edge of the universe and the aliens there wear coats of gold and have intereactive multi-channel television built INTO their heads!"
"Vulgar."
"Martha, you're not this sort of fussy bint! What happened to the girl I loved, the girl I gave up everything for? Oh wait, that's Charlotte Church. Never mind. OK then, Martha, where would YOU like to go?"
"Well, actually I'd like to go to Cambridge for the day, visit the Fitzwilliam museum before taking a nice punt down the Cam."
"Why? You're a medical student who loves the Corrs!"
"Never! That would be a Chav way of life!"
"But I've already done all that stuff."
"Try thinking about someone other than yourself!"
"Jesus wept, Rose was never like this. But... wait. No. Yes! No... Maybe. Ben Chatham was. Somehow he's got into your mind and replaced all the alpha waves with snobbery and absinthe! That's impossible! Which, speaking generally, is just another way of saying 'that's the only thing that could have happened'..."
"Are we going to Cambridge or what?!"
The Doctor sets the controls, determined to find the source of what is turning his new companion into a-1935-Chateaux-de-Le-Asture-quffing super bitch and then destroy that source in a neat CGI effect.
The TARDIS materializes in a Cardiff street doubling for Cambridge and Martha immediately starts bitching the moment they emerge. "Well, you could have landed a little closer to the museum! I recognise this street and it's a fair walk away!"
"Oh, stop moaning, woman!" the Doctor snaps, now certainly convinced that his companion is not the exercise-enjoying Martha Jones that helped defeat the Jundoon using only her star-jumps. "A bit of walking will keep you fit."
"I am fit and VERY slim - you are, no doubt, still thinking of that morbidly obese lard-arse Rose Tyler!"
Martha snorts like a horse and the Doctor idly sets his sonic screwdriver to 'brain scramble' frequency, then fights the instinct as it is not REALLY Martha being such an offensive fuck-knuckle.
Just then, a familiar figure rounds the corner.
"Oh, no, it's Ben Chatham! I was right! DAMN IT!"
Ben gives the Doctor a friendly hug while the Doctor screams blue murder and tells Martha to call the cops, the SAS, Ant and Dec, ANYONE! She simply studies her fingers and mutters snobbishly.
Two extras from The Matrix dressed in black leather shades and jackets watch on before a strange force grips their minds. Suddenly they decide to go and get wasted on absinthe and pull the nearest smooth-chested amateur archaeologist they can find.
Clearly, Chatham's evil power is building.
Ben explains he always knew the Doctor only sent him to the cybernetic equivalent of Hell as a prank and believes the Doctor actually released because everyone likes him so much. The Doctor decides not to explain that Ben escaped by a fluke and is now corrupting all sentient life into an army of snobs.
Ben explains that he's mysteriously discovered more and more people agreeing with him, dressing like him, drinking like him, and practicing dark arts of Those That Dare Not Be Named while ritualistically murdering people who eat microwave food and live in council flats.
"I told you I was right all along," says Ben smugly and the Doctor twitches violently as he supresses the instinct to rip Ben's skull from his shoulders and boil it in a sewage treatment reactor.
Ben now intends to head to the old, ruined monastery at Dertain Ceath, the village where he first inflicted his presence on the Doctor. What with all the Lucifarian alien carnage, there's a new archaelogical dig set up to find out what happened to the old one. Ben plans to go there and bloodily sacrifice what villagers he spared the last time.
"Sorry," the Doctor interrupts, "what 'old, ruined' monastery?"
"The one next to the 'new, rebuilt' monastery, obviously."
"Uh, OK."
Martha rudely interrupts. "I'm sorry, men, but we came here to have a day in Cambridge - not a day of archaeology!"
"I'm sorry, who is she?" Ben asks.
"SHE has a name!" Martha replies, kneeing him in the goolies. "Martha! Are you always so damned insolent, Chav-Lover?"
"Damn it, get a chiropractor about the chip on your shoulder," the Doctor snaps, before being given a bloody nose.
"Now that we understand each other," Martha continues, "I agree to accompany you on the condition we slaughter those of lesser social status as soon as we come across them."
"Jings!" the Doctor explains. "Ben, she's even worse than you!"
"Nonsense, Doctor," Ben sobs through the pain. "She's just a strong woman who cannot abide fools or too much clowning from eccentrics like you. She'll probably ease off once she's reigned you in a bit. Come on, time for pro-homophobia cerebellum-free murder mysteries."
The Doctor pales as he realizes that he is trapped with these wine-swilling alcoholic snobs!
Part Two -
Luckily, once they are in Ben's stolen car, a large black vehicle tries to knock Ben's car off the road. Martha deduces that they must be Chavs who refuse to raise their station in life, determined to wipe out their genetic and intellectual superiors.
Perhaps in reaction to this, the driver of the black car sticks a gun out the window and fires. "Get down!" the Doctor shouts.
"I am doing that! Don't be so patronising!"
So saying, Martha grabs the steering wheel and manages to ram the black car off the road, down an embankment where it promptly explodes for no adequately explored reason, leaving nothing but the smell of burning flesh and the screams of the dying!
"ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!" Ben and Martha scream orgasmically as the Doctor watches on with opened-mouth horror.
"Credit where credit's due," Martha sniffs. "I did well back there. I'm more than just a pretty face, unlike you scum. I'm a strong woman who takes no prisoners. I have a sharp, inquiring mind which is what everyone admires about me. I am better than anyone else in the whole world because I am a scientist with a keen interest in astro-physics and cosmology!"
"No you're not! You're a first year medical student that can't stand the sight of blood!"
"I am right and you are wrong, because I am not a Chav."
"Look, if you think I'm going to put up with this nasty piece of work, you've got another thing coming!" the Doctor snaps. "Where's the real Martha? The one who lets me do the driving and the universe saving stuff, huh? Answer me that!"
"You're being childish."
"And you're being a posh, boring idiot who has nothing better to do than tell people how childish they are!"
"Your cry-baby whining baby point would be?"
The Doctor quietly wonders if maybe killing this bitch might give the real Martha a blessed relief, but at that moment the car pulls out at the monastery where the monks are carrying out their traditional, simple practices of limbo competition, barbacues and remixing Gregorian chants while taking large amounts of LSD, speed and cocaine.
The Abbot, with his I'M WITH BROTHER CADFAEL -> T-shirt, welcomes them all whereupon Martha slaps him repeatedly and tells the old man to act their age.
Ben introduces himself modestly as the UK's leading archaeologist, most successful man on Earth, sexiest being in the universe to all genders and provider of more orgasms than Fabio and that all lesser mortals should bow down in his presence.
The Abbot explains that the dig's closed for the night so the Saturdary Night Fever competition can be carried out and offers the trio some hot dogs and kebabs. The Doctor accepts immediately, but Martha and Chatham tut disapprovingly.
The Doctor notes that these monks are actually Trapist monks and so really shouldn't be talking as they take vows of silence. The Abbot stares at him, sniggers, and then pales when he realizes the Doctor is serious. "Really?"
Meanwhile, Martha sees a passing nun reading a copy of Hello! and knocks her head off her shoulders with a karate chop and steals her outfit. The Doctor points out that nuns in a monastery suggests that the monks haven't taken vows of celibacy, either.
"Heh, you're joking. Right?" asks the Abbot hopefully.
"I am superior to you and you all have a duty to obey me and stop acting like Chavs," Ben screams.
"Yes, it's about basic respect!"
"Dude..." begins one of the monks before Ben stabs him brutally in the stomach and whispers:
"Never mind 'dude', just DO IT!"
Disturbingly, some of the monks agree and put on Bowie music before cracking open bottles of absinthe. The Doctor realizes Chathamness is spreading faster and faster. Soon, every life form on the planet will be cultured, male, educated people who swil lakeworth's of booze and thinks things are vulgar!
One of the monks pulls off his hood to reveal he is Jake Simmonds and screams that he has a first from Cambridge!
Part Three -
The Doctor and the Abbot hide in a separate part of the monastery reserved for visiting nuns and resembles a combined Amsterdamn brothel, sexx shoppe and opium den.
The abbot admits he was just a university drop out that joined this Benedictine order that lasted until 1530 when they all took up finger painting, coincidentally Henry VIII dissolved all the monasteries. It was only in the 1860s that Abbot 'Party Animal' Nathanial secured the funding to rebuild the monastery with illegal prostitution of a wealthy West Indes plantation.
Unfortunately the owner of the plantation, John Letch, took this rather badly and became a Black Muslim with the aid of an incredibly unconvincing accent and a jar of shoe polish. This strange Black and White Minstrel was later hanged in the ruined of the monastery by the king's men who "just didn't appreciate a good old Coon Tune".
The Doctor idly wishes the spirit of the Black Monk would kill Ben Chatham, and maybe the virus will end before they all become servants of the Army of Chatham.
Just then Martha kicks down the door and is disgusted to find them all hiding in the nunnery. "Act your age!"
"Act your own, Martha, or has the menopause come early? Oh, please, just SHUT UP!" the Doctor and the Abbot scream at her. "SHUT UP, MARTHA JONES! JUST - SHUT - UP!!!"
"Don't be so immature!"
"I know! How about we get back in my TARDIS, take you to some moon in some foreign galaxy, and leave you high and dry for the Venom Grubs to use as a bean bag? I'm a 900 year-old Time Lord, you're 23, now stop bullying me, you cow!"
The Doctor dives through a convenient secret passage and then trips over a conveniently-placed brick, as he lies there, dazed a Black and White Minstrel lurches out of the darkness...
Part Four -
The Black and White Minstrel is Jake who chants mindlessly that all chavs must die over and over again. At the last moment, the Doctor leaps forward and switches Jake's iPod to David Bowie's 'Heroes', stopping Jake in his tracks.
The Doctor muses on Jake, remember the good times with the alternate Jake, Mickey, Rose, Pete, Jackie and Josh the pet rock... He smiles nostalgically, staring into the distance.
The Doctor then knocks him out and carries him down the musty secret passage. At the other end he emerges into mass, carrying an unconscious, half naked and attractive young man.
"I can explain everything!" the Doctor insists.
"Tell that to the police!" Ben shouts.
"Aw, come on, it was the the evil Black And Minstrel - that's practically a chav! You're not going to persecute me for attacking a chav, are you?"
"As Saint Adolf once said," Ben agrees, "'He who scorns the hidden truth that all chavs are evil scum that deserve to die might as well ram ferrets down their trousers'."
"...is that good?"
The Abbot arrives and insists he will sends NONE - not one, absolutely in no way whatsoever - of his monks to get the police. Instead, they have breakfast. Brother John is already showing signs of corruption as he strips his shirt off and starts an in-depth discussion that 'demmed colonials' are just chavs by different names.
Martha shouts out loudly that humanity has far more important things to do than to worry about a load of nonsense about God and going to heaven if you read the bible.
The Doctor bemoans the decline of monastic virtues in the 21st century - more specifically, he believes Martha should take a vow of silence or he will shove rare orchids down her throat and kill her. She's lost her imagination, her wanderlust, her curiosity and her open-mindedness. The Chatham plague has reduced her to a demonic presence and if she yells at him to 'grow up' just ONE more time...
Martha insists that the Doctor is not using time efficiently and tells him to 'grow up man' and smacks him over the head.
The Doctor suddenly grabs Martha and throws her off the monastery wall. She smashes through the glass roof of an orchid house and lies there, with shards of glass sticking into her.
"How's THAT for efficient use of time? YOU BITCH!!!"
Part Five - The Children In Need Special with 88% more mysogeny.
Feeling much better, the Doctor wanders over to the archaeological dig where Ben Chatham has already reprogrammed the brain of Katie Ryan and transformed her into his panting, sex-crazed woman bitch. Unfortunately, he has not been able to do this with Charles, which upset him and makes him blubber.
"He's never wanted you for anything other than sex!"
"And you're different because...?"
"Because Charles was gay and everyone knows 'gay' is another word for 'chav'! And all chavs must die! ALL OF THEM!"
The Doctor, sickened turns away then the extremely battered form of Martha stumbles out of the trees, moaning like a zombie and calling the Doctor 'a sniggering numb-nut'.
The Doctor screams and pulls out a can of nitro nine, primes it and hurls it at her, screaming "JUST FUCK OFF!"
The cannister bounces off Martha's head and explodes!
Part Six -
The evil power of Chatham means the explosion doesn't harm anything but Katie does pretend to sprain her ankle so she can cop a feel off Ben. The Doctor decides, based on absolutely no evidence, that the evil power is a Chathamian Prisoner of war, the worst criminal in the universe, determined to impinge his own fetishes and moral code on the people of the cosmos.
The Abbot arrives and says this ouiji board shit is too much for him to cope with, it's all getting silly and they should piss off home. Ben insists that he has a partial degree in legal issues, and deserves oxygen more than common people.
Martha begins to beat up the Abbot, screaming 'HOW DARE YOU ORDER US AROUND?! WHO DO YOU THINK WE ARE? CHAVS? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? YOU DARE MOCK THE RIGHTEOUS ARMY OF CHATHAM! ALL CHAVS *MUST* DIE!!!!!!"
Suddenly, the Abbot agrees, takes off his shirt and agrees that all Chavs must die. The evil force has taken over his brain and tells the Doctor to stop being so silly and allow Ben Chatham access to the time vortex to get all the god like powers that will allow them to wipe the chavs from the face of time itself.
"How about we chant some Gregorian tunes instead?"
Martha and Ben start whacking the Doctor with shoots of bamboo. "WE SHALL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN! GROW UP OR DIE LIKE THE CHAVS!"
The Doctor runs off screaming and finds a secret passage linking an oak tree to the catacombs under the monastery. The Fulci-Zombie style army of Chathams lurch after him.
The Doctor turns a corner and finds... the Black and White Minstrell!
Part Seven -
The Black and White Minstrel screams 'No! You've lead those snobby ankle-biters here, you useless shit! GANGWAY!'
He runs off. The Doctor skips after him. The Chathams lurch after them.
After a lot of Scooby-Doo style mischief, the Doctor and the Minstrel escape up a stone staircase and through a cairn on a side of the hill. The countryside is silent as all animal life is too busy drinking absinthe, listening to Bowie and having guilt-soaked gay sex.
The Doctor desperately flips through a copy of Traditio, the leading academic journal on medieval monastic theory for some article on how to defeat the invasion of the chav-killers.
Unsurprisingly, Traditio has no idea and the Doctor throws it away.
The Doctor tries an issue of The Révue Bénédictine as an Old World alternative.
Unsurprisingly, that doesn't help either. The Doctor throws it away.
The Doctor pulls out a bag of jelly babies in the hope that might, you know, save the day.
Unsurprisingly, it doesn't. The Doctor throws it away.
(beginning to sound like a Delta Goodrem song this, isn't it?)
The Doctor then realizes that maybe there might be another secret passage and takes a moment to reflect:
"Awww, brilliant! Those cheeky monks do a full rebuild but leave us this little bolthole, this senseless, crazy little damp bolthole tucked away down here. Humans, don't know what's under their noses half the times. Mind you, nothing against monks. Chipmunks or otherwise. Speaking of which how great was that Chipmunks greatest hits album they put out? Do you know I developed an entire air-guitar routine for that album. First up, right, I sort of straddle the guitar, try to freak out the judges, cos, you know, this is at a proper contest..."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP DOCTOR!"
Yep, Martha's back.
The Chathams, lead by Ben, Martha and Katie lurch out of the shadows when suddenly K9 drops from a tree carrying a whirring chainsaw and slices Katie's head in half, drenching the cast in gore.
K9 laughs demonically.
Part Eight -
The Doctor runs off as K9 slaughters all the non-speaking zombies, before Martha grabs him, rips him apart and eats his CPU. "Only a chav would want a robot dog! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"
The Doctor flees into the dining hall of the monastery and, feeling the munchies, has some soup. Just then, the hoardes of Chathams burst in, but luckily the quality of the catering offends them! They dare not enter the room.
"This soup is foul! It's completely inconsiderate of these people to serve such poor quality soup!" Ben shouts.
"Agreed," Martha sneers. "It's supposed to be vegetable , more like water and the odd pea floating in it!"
Brother Jake points out he slaved all day getting the ingredients to make the soup, working his fingers down to the bone.
"Tough! The soup was disgusting! And so watery that I might have spilt some down my front! DO HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT DAMAGE WOULD BE DONE TO MY FRONT? THAT TOWEL CAME FROM FUCKING HARRODS!"
"And another thing," Martha buts in, "I have made it quite clear that I can’t eat wheat products and yet I still haven’t been provided with any decent substitute for this bread."
"What about the wheat-free buscuits?" Jake protests.
"You eat them!" Ben roars. "They're like pieces of slate! It's outrageous to expect Martha to have to eat food like that! SHE IS NOT A CHAV! SHE DEMANDS YOUR RESPECT! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"
Jake's sobs that he baked them personally are ignored.
"Well we’re not happy with this!" Ben screams and kills him using a hair brush and some KY jelly.
"DIE LIKE THE CHAV YOU ARE! MAY YOUR FOULNESS ROT IN HELL!"
The Doctor eats a bread roll and runs away very quickly. The others are too preoccupied reducing Jake into a paste. Only his severed finger survives, and it flips them the bird.
Mr and Mrs. Complete Bastard follow the Doctor as he flees into the TARDIS and flips open the console to reveal the raging core of the time vortex. Of course, using it will cost him his current regeneration, but the Doctor will sacrifice anything to stop the Chatham plague.
Just then, Martha breaks in and beats the Doctor down with a rolling pin, continuing to thrash him and Ben strides into the light, which makes his well with the tears of a thousand Radiohead albums.
"I AM THE BIG BERK! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"
However, the Big Berk is shocked to discover only one person in the entire created omniverse is actually a chav - an inbred history teacher in Colchestor called Mark Goucher.
Who disappears in a puff of light.
Realizing that his quest is pointless, the Big Berk retcons all of reality so he never travelled with the Doctor, leaving the TARDIS empty apart from the battered Time Lord and the baffled Martha wondering why she's holding a rolling pin.
...
Meanwhile, at the monastery, Ben finds himself lying in the grass as Charles, Katy and Jenna rip off his trousers, thrilled to witness Ben's silk-secured joy compartment, guarding his smooth...
Suddenly, Ben cries out in agony...
"What's wrong?" he's asked.
"Keep back! Oh, this is going to sting... You see, I absorbed all the energy of the Time Vortex, which you're only supposed to do if you have even the faintest idea of what to do with it! Every cell in my smooth body is imploding with shame!"
"Can't you do something?" the rest of the orgy asks.
"Of course I can! I've got a degree! ARGH! I'll just trigger a spontaneous cross-matrix warp-null field and revitalize my morphogenic field. But it means I'm going to change. And before I go..."
"Don't say that!" Katy wails, upset.
"Please. Before I go, I just wanted to tell you something..."
"Yes?"
"I want you to know something..."
"Yes?"
"Something important."
"Yes?"
"Something incredibly vital and amazingly interesting."
"Yes?!"
"Before I go, I just wanted to make it clear..."
"YES?!?!"
"That I got a first from Oxford!"
Everyone groans and rolls their eyes as Ben fouls himself one last time.
Suddenly, our protagonist convulses as orange energy explodes out of his kin like a blast of lava-coloured steam, funnelling out of his smooth, glistening skin.
Ben Chatham is reduced to a fountain of energy, pouring out from his underpants in all directions, the orange turning pure white as it streams away to reveal a flabby, bloated mass of elephantine blubber with piggy eyes and long blonde hair.
Adam Rickitt has become... Matt Lucas!
Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor, huh?
"Right den," the newcomer belches. "Dere we are. Ello, oi'm Benji Chavvord. Ooh, oi feel arl sticky now. Huhuh. Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no but I so totally learned that trick off the Doctor and it so totally makes sense and don't ask the fans anyway cause they're like such losers anyway, especially that Sparacus bloke, no one trusts him because he's really RTD, but shut up! Where was oi anyway? Oh, that's roight, Oxfard!"
The new Ben Chatham wobbles off to North Front 3 of the University Library, leaving all his/her former lovers to spontaneously vomit.
The END
Death In The Cloisters
(Of The Most Annoying Bastards In Doctor Who Ever)
Part One -
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor realizes that his companion Martha Jones has undergone a total change of personality. Her good humor, keen intelligence and gentle compassion has been replaced by...
"So... Martha! How about I take you to the year 5 billion to see a supernova? No? No. Well, we could travel back to see the birth of the Milky Way..."
"Oh, grow up, Doctor!"
"What? I was only suggesting..."
"You were trying to dazzle me with the power of your TARDIS. How very male. Kindly act your age!"
"Oh. OK. Ahem. How would you like to travel to the planet Zelos 2? It's on the outer edge of the universe and the aliens there wear coats of gold and have intereactive multi-channel television built INTO their heads!"
"Vulgar."
"Martha, you're not this sort of fussy bint! What happened to the girl I loved, the girl I gave up everything for? Oh wait, that's Charlotte Church. Never mind. OK then, Martha, where would YOU like to go?"
"Well, actually I'd like to go to Cambridge for the day, visit the Fitzwilliam museum before taking a nice punt down the Cam."
"Why? You're a medical student who loves the Corrs!"
"Never! That would be a Chav way of life!"
"But I've already done all that stuff."
"Try thinking about someone other than yourself!"
"Jesus wept, Rose was never like this. But... wait. No. Yes! No... Maybe. Ben Chatham was. Somehow he's got into your mind and replaced all the alpha waves with snobbery and absinthe! That's impossible! Which, speaking generally, is just another way of saying 'that's the only thing that could have happened'..."
"Are we going to Cambridge or what?!"
The Doctor sets the controls, determined to find the source of what is turning his new companion into a-1935-Chateaux-de-Le-Asture-quffing super bitch and then destroy that source in a neat CGI effect.
The TARDIS materializes in a Cardiff street doubling for Cambridge and Martha immediately starts bitching the moment they emerge. "Well, you could have landed a little closer to the museum! I recognise this street and it's a fair walk away!"
"Oh, stop moaning, woman!" the Doctor snaps, now certainly convinced that his companion is not the exercise-enjoying Martha Jones that helped defeat the Jundoon using only her star-jumps. "A bit of walking will keep you fit."
"I am fit and VERY slim - you are, no doubt, still thinking of that morbidly obese lard-arse Rose Tyler!"
Martha snorts like a horse and the Doctor idly sets his sonic screwdriver to 'brain scramble' frequency, then fights the instinct as it is not REALLY Martha being such an offensive fuck-knuckle.
Just then, a familiar figure rounds the corner.
"Oh, no, it's Ben Chatham! I was right! DAMN IT!"
Ben gives the Doctor a friendly hug while the Doctor screams blue murder and tells Martha to call the cops, the SAS, Ant and Dec, ANYONE! She simply studies her fingers and mutters snobbishly.
Two extras from The Matrix dressed in black leather shades and jackets watch on before a strange force grips their minds. Suddenly they decide to go and get wasted on absinthe and pull the nearest smooth-chested amateur archaeologist they can find.
Clearly, Chatham's evil power is building.
Ben explains he always knew the Doctor only sent him to the cybernetic equivalent of Hell as a prank and believes the Doctor actually released because everyone likes him so much. The Doctor decides not to explain that Ben escaped by a fluke and is now corrupting all sentient life into an army of snobs.
Ben explains that he's mysteriously discovered more and more people agreeing with him, dressing like him, drinking like him, and practicing dark arts of Those That Dare Not Be Named while ritualistically murdering people who eat microwave food and live in council flats.
"I told you I was right all along," says Ben smugly and the Doctor twitches violently as he supresses the instinct to rip Ben's skull from his shoulders and boil it in a sewage treatment reactor.
Ben now intends to head to the old, ruined monastery at Dertain Ceath, the village where he first inflicted his presence on the Doctor. What with all the Lucifarian alien carnage, there's a new archaelogical dig set up to find out what happened to the old one. Ben plans to go there and bloodily sacrifice what villagers he spared the last time.
"Sorry," the Doctor interrupts, "what 'old, ruined' monastery?"
"The one next to the 'new, rebuilt' monastery, obviously."
"Uh, OK."
Martha rudely interrupts. "I'm sorry, men, but we came here to have a day in Cambridge - not a day of archaeology!"
"I'm sorry, who is she?" Ben asks.
"SHE has a name!" Martha replies, kneeing him in the goolies. "Martha! Are you always so damned insolent, Chav-Lover?"
"Damn it, get a chiropractor about the chip on your shoulder," the Doctor snaps, before being given a bloody nose.
"Now that we understand each other," Martha continues, "I agree to accompany you on the condition we slaughter those of lesser social status as soon as we come across them."
"Jings!" the Doctor explains. "Ben, she's even worse than you!"
"Nonsense, Doctor," Ben sobs through the pain. "She's just a strong woman who cannot abide fools or too much clowning from eccentrics like you. She'll probably ease off once she's reigned you in a bit. Come on, time for pro-homophobia cerebellum-free murder mysteries."
The Doctor pales as he realizes that he is trapped with these wine-swilling alcoholic snobs!
Part Two -
Luckily, once they are in Ben's stolen car, a large black vehicle tries to knock Ben's car off the road. Martha deduces that they must be Chavs who refuse to raise their station in life, determined to wipe out their genetic and intellectual superiors.
Perhaps in reaction to this, the driver of the black car sticks a gun out the window and fires. "Get down!" the Doctor shouts.
"I am doing that! Don't be so patronising!"
So saying, Martha grabs the steering wheel and manages to ram the black car off the road, down an embankment where it promptly explodes for no adequately explored reason, leaving nothing but the smell of burning flesh and the screams of the dying!
"ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!" Ben and Martha scream orgasmically as the Doctor watches on with opened-mouth horror.
"Credit where credit's due," Martha sniffs. "I did well back there. I'm more than just a pretty face, unlike you scum. I'm a strong woman who takes no prisoners. I have a sharp, inquiring mind which is what everyone admires about me. I am better than anyone else in the whole world because I am a scientist with a keen interest in astro-physics and cosmology!"
"No you're not! You're a first year medical student that can't stand the sight of blood!"
"I am right and you are wrong, because I am not a Chav."
"Look, if you think I'm going to put up with this nasty piece of work, you've got another thing coming!" the Doctor snaps. "Where's the real Martha? The one who lets me do the driving and the universe saving stuff, huh? Answer me that!"
"You're being childish."
"And you're being a posh, boring idiot who has nothing better to do than tell people how childish they are!"
"Your cry-baby whining baby point would be?"
The Doctor quietly wonders if maybe killing this bitch might give the real Martha a blessed relief, but at that moment the car pulls out at the monastery where the monks are carrying out their traditional, simple practices of limbo competition, barbacues and remixing Gregorian chants while taking large amounts of LSD, speed and cocaine.
The Abbot, with his I'M WITH BROTHER CADFAEL -> T-shirt, welcomes them all whereupon Martha slaps him repeatedly and tells the old man to act their age.
Ben introduces himself modestly as the UK's leading archaeologist, most successful man on Earth, sexiest being in the universe to all genders and provider of more orgasms than Fabio and that all lesser mortals should bow down in his presence.
The Abbot explains that the dig's closed for the night so the Saturdary Night Fever competition can be carried out and offers the trio some hot dogs and kebabs. The Doctor accepts immediately, but Martha and Chatham tut disapprovingly.
The Doctor notes that these monks are actually Trapist monks and so really shouldn't be talking as they take vows of silence. The Abbot stares at him, sniggers, and then pales when he realizes the Doctor is serious. "Really?"
Meanwhile, Martha sees a passing nun reading a copy of Hello! and knocks her head off her shoulders with a karate chop and steals her outfit. The Doctor points out that nuns in a monastery suggests that the monks haven't taken vows of celibacy, either.
"Heh, you're joking. Right?" asks the Abbot hopefully.
"I am superior to you and you all have a duty to obey me and stop acting like Chavs," Ben screams.
"Yes, it's about basic respect!"
"Dude..." begins one of the monks before Ben stabs him brutally in the stomach and whispers:
"Never mind 'dude', just DO IT!"
Disturbingly, some of the monks agree and put on Bowie music before cracking open bottles of absinthe. The Doctor realizes Chathamness is spreading faster and faster. Soon, every life form on the planet will be cultured, male, educated people who swil lakeworth's of booze and thinks things are vulgar!
One of the monks pulls off his hood to reveal he is Jake Simmonds and screams that he has a first from Cambridge!
Part Three -
The Doctor and the Abbot hide in a separate part of the monastery reserved for visiting nuns and resembles a combined Amsterdamn brothel, sexx shoppe and opium den.
The abbot admits he was just a university drop out that joined this Benedictine order that lasted until 1530 when they all took up finger painting, coincidentally Henry VIII dissolved all the monasteries. It was only in the 1860s that Abbot 'Party Animal' Nathanial secured the funding to rebuild the monastery with illegal prostitution of a wealthy West Indes plantation.
Unfortunately the owner of the plantation, John Letch, took this rather badly and became a Black Muslim with the aid of an incredibly unconvincing accent and a jar of shoe polish. This strange Black and White Minstrel was later hanged in the ruined of the monastery by the king's men who "just didn't appreciate a good old Coon Tune".
The Doctor idly wishes the spirit of the Black Monk would kill Ben Chatham, and maybe the virus will end before they all become servants of the Army of Chatham.
Just then Martha kicks down the door and is disgusted to find them all hiding in the nunnery. "Act your age!"
"Act your own, Martha, or has the menopause come early? Oh, please, just SHUT UP!" the Doctor and the Abbot scream at her. "SHUT UP, MARTHA JONES! JUST - SHUT - UP!!!"
"Don't be so immature!"
"I know! How about we get back in my TARDIS, take you to some moon in some foreign galaxy, and leave you high and dry for the Venom Grubs to use as a bean bag? I'm a 900 year-old Time Lord, you're 23, now stop bullying me, you cow!"
The Doctor dives through a convenient secret passage and then trips over a conveniently-placed brick, as he lies there, dazed a Black and White Minstrel lurches out of the darkness...
Part Four -
The Black and White Minstrel is Jake who chants mindlessly that all chavs must die over and over again. At the last moment, the Doctor leaps forward and switches Jake's iPod to David Bowie's 'Heroes', stopping Jake in his tracks.
The Doctor muses on Jake, remember the good times with the alternate Jake, Mickey, Rose, Pete, Jackie and Josh the pet rock... He smiles nostalgically, staring into the distance.
The Doctor then knocks him out and carries him down the musty secret passage. At the other end he emerges into mass, carrying an unconscious, half naked and attractive young man.
"I can explain everything!" the Doctor insists.
"Tell that to the police!" Ben shouts.
"Aw, come on, it was the the evil Black And Minstrel - that's practically a chav! You're not going to persecute me for attacking a chav, are you?"
"As Saint Adolf once said," Ben agrees, "'He who scorns the hidden truth that all chavs are evil scum that deserve to die might as well ram ferrets down their trousers'."
"...is that good?"
The Abbot arrives and insists he will sends NONE - not one, absolutely in no way whatsoever - of his monks to get the police. Instead, they have breakfast. Brother John is already showing signs of corruption as he strips his shirt off and starts an in-depth discussion that 'demmed colonials' are just chavs by different names.
Martha shouts out loudly that humanity has far more important things to do than to worry about a load of nonsense about God and going to heaven if you read the bible.
The Doctor bemoans the decline of monastic virtues in the 21st century - more specifically, he believes Martha should take a vow of silence or he will shove rare orchids down her throat and kill her. She's lost her imagination, her wanderlust, her curiosity and her open-mindedness. The Chatham plague has reduced her to a demonic presence and if she yells at him to 'grow up' just ONE more time...
Martha insists that the Doctor is not using time efficiently and tells him to 'grow up man' and smacks him over the head.
The Doctor suddenly grabs Martha and throws her off the monastery wall. She smashes through the glass roof of an orchid house and lies there, with shards of glass sticking into her.
"How's THAT for efficient use of time? YOU BITCH!!!"
Part Five - The Children In Need Special with 88% more mysogeny.
Feeling much better, the Doctor wanders over to the archaeological dig where Ben Chatham has already reprogrammed the brain of Katie Ryan and transformed her into his panting, sex-crazed woman bitch. Unfortunately, he has not been able to do this with Charles, which upset him and makes him blubber.
"He's never wanted you for anything other than sex!"
"And you're different because...?"
"Because Charles was gay and everyone knows 'gay' is another word for 'chav'! And all chavs must die! ALL OF THEM!"
The Doctor, sickened turns away then the extremely battered form of Martha stumbles out of the trees, moaning like a zombie and calling the Doctor 'a sniggering numb-nut'.
The Doctor screams and pulls out a can of nitro nine, primes it and hurls it at her, screaming "JUST FUCK OFF!"
The cannister bounces off Martha's head and explodes!
Part Six -
The evil power of Chatham means the explosion doesn't harm anything but Katie does pretend to sprain her ankle so she can cop a feel off Ben. The Doctor decides, based on absolutely no evidence, that the evil power is a Chathamian Prisoner of war, the worst criminal in the universe, determined to impinge his own fetishes and moral code on the people of the cosmos.
The Abbot arrives and says this ouiji board shit is too much for him to cope with, it's all getting silly and they should piss off home. Ben insists that he has a partial degree in legal issues, and deserves oxygen more than common people.
Martha begins to beat up the Abbot, screaming 'HOW DARE YOU ORDER US AROUND?! WHO DO YOU THINK WE ARE? CHAVS? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? YOU DARE MOCK THE RIGHTEOUS ARMY OF CHATHAM! ALL CHAVS *MUST* DIE!!!!!!"
Suddenly, the Abbot agrees, takes off his shirt and agrees that all Chavs must die. The evil force has taken over his brain and tells the Doctor to stop being so silly and allow Ben Chatham access to the time vortex to get all the god like powers that will allow them to wipe the chavs from the face of time itself.
"How about we chant some Gregorian tunes instead?"
Martha and Ben start whacking the Doctor with shoots of bamboo. "WE SHALL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN! GROW UP OR DIE LIKE THE CHAVS!"
The Doctor runs off screaming and finds a secret passage linking an oak tree to the catacombs under the monastery. The Fulci-Zombie style army of Chathams lurch after him.
The Doctor turns a corner and finds... the Black and White Minstrell!
Part Seven -
The Black and White Minstrel screams 'No! You've lead those snobby ankle-biters here, you useless shit! GANGWAY!'
He runs off. The Doctor skips after him. The Chathams lurch after them.
After a lot of Scooby-Doo style mischief, the Doctor and the Minstrel escape up a stone staircase and through a cairn on a side of the hill. The countryside is silent as all animal life is too busy drinking absinthe, listening to Bowie and having guilt-soaked gay sex.
The Doctor desperately flips through a copy of Traditio, the leading academic journal on medieval monastic theory for some article on how to defeat the invasion of the chav-killers.
Unsurprisingly, Traditio has no idea and the Doctor throws it away.
The Doctor tries an issue of The Révue Bénédictine as an Old World alternative.
Unsurprisingly, that doesn't help either. The Doctor throws it away.
The Doctor pulls out a bag of jelly babies in the hope that might, you know, save the day.
Unsurprisingly, it doesn't. The Doctor throws it away.
(beginning to sound like a Delta Goodrem song this, isn't it?)
The Doctor then realizes that maybe there might be another secret passage and takes a moment to reflect:
"Awww, brilliant! Those cheeky monks do a full rebuild but leave us this little bolthole, this senseless, crazy little damp bolthole tucked away down here. Humans, don't know what's under their noses half the times. Mind you, nothing against monks. Chipmunks or otherwise. Speaking of which how great was that Chipmunks greatest hits album they put out? Do you know I developed an entire air-guitar routine for that album. First up, right, I sort of straddle the guitar, try to freak out the judges, cos, you know, this is at a proper contest..."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP DOCTOR!"
Yep, Martha's back.
The Chathams, lead by Ben, Martha and Katie lurch out of the shadows when suddenly K9 drops from a tree carrying a whirring chainsaw and slices Katie's head in half, drenching the cast in gore.
K9 laughs demonically.
Part Eight -
The Doctor runs off as K9 slaughters all the non-speaking zombies, before Martha grabs him, rips him apart and eats his CPU. "Only a chav would want a robot dog! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"
The Doctor flees into the dining hall of the monastery and, feeling the munchies, has some soup. Just then, the hoardes of Chathams burst in, but luckily the quality of the catering offends them! They dare not enter the room.
"This soup is foul! It's completely inconsiderate of these people to serve such poor quality soup!" Ben shouts.
"Agreed," Martha sneers. "It's supposed to be vegetable , more like water and the odd pea floating in it!"
Brother Jake points out he slaved all day getting the ingredients to make the soup, working his fingers down to the bone.
"Tough! The soup was disgusting! And so watery that I might have spilt some down my front! DO HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT DAMAGE WOULD BE DONE TO MY FRONT? THAT TOWEL CAME FROM FUCKING HARRODS!"
"And another thing," Martha buts in, "I have made it quite clear that I can’t eat wheat products and yet I still haven’t been provided with any decent substitute for this bread."
"What about the wheat-free buscuits?" Jake protests.
"You eat them!" Ben roars. "They're like pieces of slate! It's outrageous to expect Martha to have to eat food like that! SHE IS NOT A CHAV! SHE DEMANDS YOUR RESPECT! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"
Jake's sobs that he baked them personally are ignored.
"Well we’re not happy with this!" Ben screams and kills him using a hair brush and some KY jelly.
"DIE LIKE THE CHAV YOU ARE! MAY YOUR FOULNESS ROT IN HELL!"
The Doctor eats a bread roll and runs away very quickly. The others are too preoccupied reducing Jake into a paste. Only his severed finger survives, and it flips them the bird.
Mr and Mrs. Complete Bastard follow the Doctor as he flees into the TARDIS and flips open the console to reveal the raging core of the time vortex. Of course, using it will cost him his current regeneration, but the Doctor will sacrifice anything to stop the Chatham plague.
Just then, Martha breaks in and beats the Doctor down with a rolling pin, continuing to thrash him and Ben strides into the light, which makes his well with the tears of a thousand Radiohead albums.
"I AM THE BIG BERK! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"
However, the Big Berk is shocked to discover only one person in the entire created omniverse is actually a chav - an inbred history teacher in Colchestor called Mark Goucher.
Who disappears in a puff of light.
Realizing that his quest is pointless, the Big Berk retcons all of reality so he never travelled with the Doctor, leaving the TARDIS empty apart from the battered Time Lord and the baffled Martha wondering why she's holding a rolling pin.
...
Meanwhile, at the monastery, Ben finds himself lying in the grass as Charles, Katy and Jenna rip off his trousers, thrilled to witness Ben's silk-secured joy compartment, guarding his smooth...
Suddenly, Ben cries out in agony...
"What's wrong?" he's asked.
"Keep back! Oh, this is going to sting... You see, I absorbed all the energy of the Time Vortex, which you're only supposed to do if you have even the faintest idea of what to do with it! Every cell in my smooth body is imploding with shame!"
"Can't you do something?" the rest of the orgy asks.
"Of course I can! I've got a degree! ARGH! I'll just trigger a spontaneous cross-matrix warp-null field and revitalize my morphogenic field. But it means I'm going to change. And before I go..."
"Don't say that!" Katy wails, upset.
"Please. Before I go, I just wanted to tell you something..."
"Yes?"
"I want you to know something..."
"Yes?"
"Something important."
"Yes?"
"Something incredibly vital and amazingly interesting."
"Yes?!"
"Before I go, I just wanted to make it clear..."
"YES?!?!"
"That I got a first from Oxford!"
Everyone groans and rolls their eyes as Ben fouls himself one last time.
Suddenly, our protagonist convulses as orange energy explodes out of his kin like a blast of lava-coloured steam, funnelling out of his smooth, glistening skin.
Ben Chatham is reduced to a fountain of energy, pouring out from his underpants in all directions, the orange turning pure white as it streams away to reveal a flabby, bloated mass of elephantine blubber with piggy eyes and long blonde hair.
Adam Rickitt has become... Matt Lucas!
Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor, huh?
"Right den," the newcomer belches. "Dere we are. Ello, oi'm Benji Chavvord. Ooh, oi feel arl sticky now. Huhuh. Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no but I so totally learned that trick off the Doctor and it so totally makes sense and don't ask the fans anyway cause they're like such losers anyway, especially that Sparacus bloke, no one trusts him because he's really RTD, but shut up! Where was oi anyway? Oh, that's roight, Oxfard!"
The new Ben Chatham wobbles off to North Front 3 of the University Library, leaving all his/her former lovers to spontaneously vomit.
The END
17 Earthspan
The Ben Chatham Misadventures:
Homespun
1: Chataeu de Impressionist
The Doctor is idly sorting through his favorites of Alien Bondage websites when he realizes most of his harddrive is clogged up maintaining an ionic realm programmed to torture and torment a non-companion called Ben Chatham.
The Time Lord considers. Has Ben learned his lesson and no longer a danger to space time itself? Should he release the amateur archaelogist? Or should he just delete the file and consign Ben to a horrible, fiery death? It WOULD be easier...
In Hell, Ben Chatham is fighting against his imprisonment by being such a whiny little pansy that hopefully the computational matrix that encages him will release him just to shut him up.
He has also started stalking Charles Broxby, who cast Ben aside after he admitted he only has boy toys when he also has a girlfriend to convince the world outside he's not gay. Indeed, Ben cheerfully admits he's "so far inside the closet, he's in bloody Narnia".
Ben creeps through the Tate Modern, breathing heavily as he spies on Charles, insisting that as he has a degree this is upper class social intercourse and not 'clingy stalking like that Tyler slapper'.
When the security guard catches him, Ben pretends to be a Dutch modernist artist called Hans Climt who has pained a portrait of Adam Rickitt falling into a mincing machine entitled "Midnight Motion". The guard breaks all of Ben's fingers and toes and walks off, whistling to himself.
Ben, used to this sort of brutal physical torture, starts to shoot up with morphine to dull out the pain. Soon he is hallucinating of a knight in shining armor skewering him like a pig on his lance and hears a 90s rock group called Morons singing a top ten hit:
"Lying bastard
Says he's got a degree!
He hates all chavs
Like you and me!
What a smooth chest!
YOU LOSER, CHATHAM!
What a smooth chest!
YOU LOSER, LOSER, CHATHAM!"
Ben awakes to find himself being used as a draught excluder in the restaurant at the Tate Modern, mistaken for an installation by two youths in hoodies. Ben screams hysterically that the Chavs have come for his soul, and the youths shake their heads and walk off.
A little old lady passing by, shocked at the intolerance of Ben, rips off his left ear and nails it to a wall.
Charles sees this, gives a donkey-like laugh, and wanders off.
Ben bleeds a bit, and then wets himself. "I knew I should have called myself GUSTAV Klimt!" he weeps before the cleaners arrive, pick him and throw him into a dumster full of asbestos.
Ben crawls out and sees Charles getting into a taxi as he sips a cappucino. Desperately changing tactics, Ben limps up to the taxi and shouts:
"FINE! You homophobic wanker! I'm leaving Cambridge to go to Tellbury in Somerset to take part in a MAJOR, a WHACKING GREAT EXCAVATION of a Saxon Burial Site! Eat shit, Charles! You'll never see me again, you sad, little fuck! You lonely little poof! What do you say to that?"
Charles blinks and throws the cappucino in Ben's face, scalding his features away and leaving him nothing more than a fried egg on stilts.
"Have fun, Chavam!" the driver sneers. "You might actually be able to put something on your archaeological experience CV apart from 'Jacking Off To Tomb Raider'!'"
"Yeah, well, I MIGHT JUST DO THAT! AND I'M IN NO WAY SECRETLY DISAPPOINTED WITH THIS RESPONSE! And I'm not feeling you should be emotionally devastated that you won't see my smooth chest again! Look at my deep eyes? Do you see any tears?"
"Not yet, but soon!" the driver promises and runs over Ben, reverses over him, then runs over him again. The twitching body, covered with tire tracks, claws feebly for a moment.
'D-don't... oh, fuck, my ribs... don't concern yourself... blugh... on my account... ya wuss! Shit, how many compound fractures can a guy get in five minutes, anyway?'
Then, a Morris Minor drives over him and parks.
'Oh... that many...'
The next day, the Morris Minor finally drives off and Ben creeps to the flat and blocks out the agony and torment with a perpetually looped tape of Bowie's 'Sense of Doubt' and waits patiently for Charles to ring him up and beg forgiveness.
Three years later, Ben decides to play hard to get and steals a car and drives to the village of Tellbury. Passing a welcome sign consisting of a blood-drenched skeleton hanging from a tree and a monument marked ONLY THE LOCAL MUST LIVE!!!, Ben crashes the car into a church, smashing down the wall. Ben runs off to the nearest Bed and Breakfast, knocking over a little old lady that is exiting.
Ben decided to call her Margot for some reason, and slaps her whenever she tries to correct him. He orders her to take his bags into the 'domicile' or else he'll have her flogged to death for allowing foreign elements into his air space.
Storming into the best bedroom in the hotel, Ben finds a £600 jacket which he steals. He then 'marks his territory' in the toilet, the pot plant, the bed and wardrobe. He then demands Margot unpack for him or he'll crush her shoulderblades.
Striding downstairs, Ben finds a small petting zoo containing hares and rabbits. Incredibly sexually frustrated, Ben kills every last one and hangs eight on them on a hook from the ceiling. When a small five year old girl approaches and asks why 'Flopsy' is oozing blood from a slashed throat, Ben kindly explains that he eradicates vermin. These were the rabbit equivalent of chavs, damn it!
"I AM NOT BI-POLARRR!" he screams at the dead rabbits.
He then threatens the girl with a shotgun and she runs off screaming.
Then two Midwich Cuckoos wander into the room, stab Ben repeatedly, gouge out his eyes and chew them up. They then hook him up with the hares and laugh insanely.
However, Ben simply comes back to life, as always, kinda like Mike Myers in Halloween, except not as endearing. He screams that he is a higher form of life than chavs like them!
The Midwich Cuckoos skip away, huming 'You loser, loser, Chatham' to themselves over and over again.
Ben detaches himself from the hook, glad he hasn't been anally violated today, but still, the night is young. Ben heads back to the church, gets in the car and drives off to the excavation only to come to a halt when he sees an army of medieval knights charging towards him with lances.
Ben thinks this is another morphine-induced hallucination and drives on ahead, unheeding.
Five seconds later he is skewered on the lance, which enters via his mouth and leaves via his arse.
Just another day in Hell, Chatham-style.
2: The Sign of the Crosssing
Suddenly, the medieval knights disappear and Ben drops heavily to the ground with a very sore posterior. With absolutely no trace of the knights, Ben breaks into the nearby feild and starts eating all the ripe blackberries he can, laughing evilly at the thought of the poor farmer getting up one day to find all his crops gone.
At that moment he is run over by a Morris Minor, driven by a young woman who gets out and kicks him repeatedly. She finds blackberry picking quaint and chavish and so must be punished.
Ben hastily insists he is no chav, but an amateur archaeologist with a first from Cambridge heading to desecrate a Saxon archaeological site. The girl introduces herself as Katie 'All Chavs Must Die' Ryan, project manager at the site. Like Ben, her CV is pretty pathetic - just pleasuring herself while watching Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.
At the site, an old vicar called Father Jack is shouting monosyllabic abuse at the workers until he is run over by Katie and Ben, for having stubble on his chin.
Ben idly steals the dead priest's wallet and finds a petition with 500 signatures promising to unleash the armies of Satan if the archaelogical dig happens. The armies take the form of medieval knights on horseback.
This doesn't ring a bell and so Ben ignores it.
Katie and Ben go to dinner, planning the death of further Chavs. But Ben's simple throat slitting isn't enough for Katie, and desperately he tries to impress her by explaining he travelled with the Last of the Time Lords who found him so irritated he removed him from history and dumped in this false Hell.
Katie finds the story ridiculous and when Ben mentions his pathetic stalking of Charles is told that he is worse than a Chav, he's a gay Chav in denial. For a laugh, she rings his parents and outs them. As his father foams at the mouth and swears to kill himself, Ben hastily hangs up the phone and tells Katie she's a naughty girl.
FIRSTLY, she doesn't believe his wild stories of time travel, aliens and medieval knights, THEN she calls him a chav and NOW she's outed him and got his parents to go on a psychopathic killing spree and she STILL hasn't given him a right good shagging!
Katie bludgens him unconscious, rams a pineapple up his arse and handcuffs him naked to his bed at the b & b. A silver crate sits in the corner, delivered by special courier.
Who could it be from? Ben only told Charles he was coming here. And Paul. And Jenna. And Karen. And all the people at the Tate Modern. And his parents. And posted a live streaming webcam on the net. And hired a few bilboards outside Cambridge. And taken out an add in The Irish Racist. And that's it!
At that moment the crate explodes open to reveal...
"K9!"
“Affirmitive, you bastard. I am K9 Mark 534098. Present from the Doctor-Master. Suggest you make peace with your deities according to your various belief systems. I am here to slaughter you like the pig you are and chew bubble gum. Sensors indicate no bubble gum is available. Processing. I shall now slaughter you like the pig you are..."
Ben is, dare we even to say it, concerned?!?
3: Steady Experiment
K9 extends his blaster and fires boiling oil at the trapped Ben, then absinthe, and then applies electrical current. As all Ben's body hair is electrocuted, K9 extends a metal arm carrying a machete and starts to dismember Ben, explaining the Doctor thought he might appreciate the new technology built into K9.
Ben's remains are placed in bin bags and dumped in the bin. K9 then levitates onto the bed, plays 'Oh Well' by Fleetwood Mac and starts rolling a huge spliff, whistling as he does so.
Meanwhile, Margot opens the garbage bags and pours the contents into a deep fat frier to make a greasy looking English breakfast, despite the screams from Ben's severed head.
The Midwich Cuckoos arrive, jam forks into Ben's head, dip it in batter, fry it and then take it outside for a quick game of soccer. However, this gives time for Ben's body to recorporealize and it lumbers blindly around the place like a headless Mickey auton.
"You silly fuck, we hate you!" the entire cast and crew sings as Ben's head is kicked into a cow pat.
Finally Ben's head re-merges with his body and, removing the forks, batter and dung, Ben decides to ring up Charles every five seconds for the next two days. But Charles has changed the number and left an insulting voicemail message.
Annoyed, Ben heads back into the car and drives to the site. However, K9 has smuggled himself aboard and tries to shoot him and crash the car. Ben dives out of the car as it crashes and explodes with K9 aboard. Ben gets up, dusts himself down and congratulates himself for a brilliant escape from almost certain death.
Whereupon he is run over by Katie in her Morris Minor.
Eventually recovering, Ben heads to the excavation trench and discovers Tony Robinson's Time Team are there to use the trenches as a novel way to break into the nearby bank.
Ben arrives, shoves Katie into a ditch and starts screaming incredibly loudly about how wonderful, sexy and sophisiticated he is and how much cleverer he is in archaeology than Tony 'Baldrick' Robinson.
Tony Robinson takes this calmly and begins to give a long and detailed prospectus of the local Techfield Research Centre, complete with handout and powerpoint presentation. This however is just a distraction while the rest of the Time Team ram a shotgun up Ben's arse and give him both barrels, blowing his head off his shoulders.
At that moment, K9 breaks into Techfield and uses his laser to release a cage full of rage-crazed monkeys who go on the rampage, infecting everyone they can with the evil virus.
By midday, Ben has recovered enough to get to the nearest pub, and stumbles through the countryside as the monkeys attack, foaming at the mouth. Mistaking them for Chavs, Ben places a stone in a sling and slaughters the monkeys in a Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure-style massacre of ludicrous proportions.
Just then, in the tree above, K9 releases a 100 tonne weight on top of Ben. Unfortunately, Ben is now infected with the rage virus and immediately runs to the nearest pub and bites the face off the bartender before racing into the gents. The realization he has got blood on his expensive white shirt and now resembles a chav is enough to shake himself out of the virus.
Emerging from the bathroom he discovers K9 has sewed together the remains of the landlord and uses a brief, convenient lightning storm to revive the creature and sends him to ruthlessly murder Ben.
"Eat hot lead, ape boy!" K9 jeers.
Ben backs away and is suddenly struck by a horrible memory that some guy who sold him an ice cream when he was seven probably doesn't remember him any more. A single tear rolls down Ben's cheek...
Then a grand piano falls through the ceiling and crushes him.
4: Into the Lubricant
The zombie landlord smashes the grand piano apart to get at Ben and K9 repeatedly zaps him again and again, but as Ben is the only real person in hell he cannot die.
This gives K9 the shits immensely.
Finally, his batteries run down and the small splinter of charcoal left of Ben Chatham wriggles for freedom. Several hours and David Sylvian's 'Secrets of the Beehive' later, Ben has regrown his limbs enough to gatecrash in Katie's place and claims she invited him there in breeding bitch lust for his body.
Katie’s face suddenly breaks into a huge grin and she starts to laugh uncontrollably much to Ben's annoyance and then puts his testacles in a vice and crushes them like walnuts.
Ben's eyes fill with tears as he hobbles out, only for K9 to drop from the ceiling with piano wire and tries to garotte Ben with it. Ben's severed head goes flying and smashing into a tacky turqoise vase on the shelf that actually happened to be the one thing Katie cared about in the whole wide world apart from herself and her pathological hatred of chav-kind.
K9 zaps the floor with his lase and both Ben's head and body fall through into the septic tank. A second blast from K9 triggers a methane explosion that obliterates all trace of Ben.
Katie decides to hire a prostitute and walks off. K9 sits on her sofa and watches Robot Wars while making a curious buzzing noise.
Ben's left leg survives and hops in the direction when some scientists find it and, confused, take it back to the lab with all the other distorted animal, human hybrids... or, as they call it...
THE LARGEST CHAV ARMY IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!
5: Consptipation of Terror
Ben regrows his body just in time to see Katie smash her way into the lab with an axe, chanting 'ALL CHAVS MUST DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!' over and over again.
Ben flees into the office of the Evil Director James Kunt who is wasted on his drinks cabinet and is trying to seduce his chair, which he calls 'Bruce'.
Ben snaps Kunt's neck and drinks all the brandy in one go... giving him lethal alcohol poisoning! He collapses as his liver disintegrates and wonders if the Chavs will finally consume the world.
That is definitely unlikely, given the way Katie is slaughtering them all and bathing in their impure blood.
She then knocks into the room marked DESTRUCTIVE DEVICE (TEMPORAL), where the DDT is trying to summon armies of chav knights out of history, and hacks it apart.
Immediately, the sky vanishes!
Yes, Katie has unintentionally triggered the destruction of hell, and is unplugging it from the TARDIS energy banks! K9 arrives, explains this, then heads off to get laid.
Ben realizes he has to escape as soon as possible and abandon everyone in Cyber-Hell to die horrible, fiery deaths. He begins to scream hysterically for the Doctor to save him!
In the TARDIS, the Doctor cracks open a can of Ossoban Soul-Killer and calls out, 'Hey Martha, check this out! Any second, that little prick's going to die horribly!'
Martha joins him. 'Is that Adam Rickett?' she asks.
'No, but we can pretend.'
6: Stand And Deliver!
An earthquake ripples through Hell as one by one, the inhabitants start to blink out of existence. K9 realizes he will soon follow and vows to get Ben before the end. As he glides off, Cambridge vanishes into the void, sucking with it Operation Helter Skelter, UNIT HQ, 10 Downing Street and a Wimpy cafe.
Ben is running around in circles, screaming that he is a teapot. Katie bursts in in a bit of cheap Shining imagery, screaming that all Chavs Must DIE!
Ben sculls a bottle of Chardonnay and calls Charles again, offering him one last chance for sex before the end, but simply gets an engaged signal - specifically engaged to Jenna Stannis.
Ben's eyes fill with tears and then his spine is filled with a fire axe. He shouldn't get so distracted at this point.
Katie moves on, littering hell with blood spattered corpses which promptly vanish, screaming hysterically.
Ben removes the fire axe and finishes the wine.
Just then, K9 arrives and begins to bounce up and down onto Ben's head, grinding it into paste before he too implodes into nothingness. Suddenly, a massive breach appears and Ben falls through...
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is horrified! Ben Chatham has escaped back into the normla flow of space time! WHO KNOWS WHAT HORROR THIS COULD DO TO THE WEB OF REALITY?!
It is then he realizes Martha is now swigging single malt and listening to Radiohead's 'Kid A'.
"But that's impossible!" he gasps.
To be continued...
Homespun
1: Chataeu de Impressionist
The Doctor is idly sorting through his favorites of Alien Bondage websites when he realizes most of his harddrive is clogged up maintaining an ionic realm programmed to torture and torment a non-companion called Ben Chatham.
The Time Lord considers. Has Ben learned his lesson and no longer a danger to space time itself? Should he release the amateur archaelogist? Or should he just delete the file and consign Ben to a horrible, fiery death? It WOULD be easier...
In Hell, Ben Chatham is fighting against his imprisonment by being such a whiny little pansy that hopefully the computational matrix that encages him will release him just to shut him up.
He has also started stalking Charles Broxby, who cast Ben aside after he admitted he only has boy toys when he also has a girlfriend to convince the world outside he's not gay. Indeed, Ben cheerfully admits he's "so far inside the closet, he's in bloody Narnia".
Ben creeps through the Tate Modern, breathing heavily as he spies on Charles, insisting that as he has a degree this is upper class social intercourse and not 'clingy stalking like that Tyler slapper'.
When the security guard catches him, Ben pretends to be a Dutch modernist artist called Hans Climt who has pained a portrait of Adam Rickitt falling into a mincing machine entitled "Midnight Motion". The guard breaks all of Ben's fingers and toes and walks off, whistling to himself.
Ben, used to this sort of brutal physical torture, starts to shoot up with morphine to dull out the pain. Soon he is hallucinating of a knight in shining armor skewering him like a pig on his lance and hears a 90s rock group called Morons singing a top ten hit:
"Lying bastard
Says he's got a degree!
He hates all chavs
Like you and me!
What a smooth chest!
YOU LOSER, CHATHAM!
What a smooth chest!
YOU LOSER, LOSER, CHATHAM!"
Ben awakes to find himself being used as a draught excluder in the restaurant at the Tate Modern, mistaken for an installation by two youths in hoodies. Ben screams hysterically that the Chavs have come for his soul, and the youths shake their heads and walk off.
A little old lady passing by, shocked at the intolerance of Ben, rips off his left ear and nails it to a wall.
Charles sees this, gives a donkey-like laugh, and wanders off.
Ben bleeds a bit, and then wets himself. "I knew I should have called myself GUSTAV Klimt!" he weeps before the cleaners arrive, pick him and throw him into a dumster full of asbestos.
Ben crawls out and sees Charles getting into a taxi as he sips a cappucino. Desperately changing tactics, Ben limps up to the taxi and shouts:
"FINE! You homophobic wanker! I'm leaving Cambridge to go to Tellbury in Somerset to take part in a MAJOR, a WHACKING GREAT EXCAVATION of a Saxon Burial Site! Eat shit, Charles! You'll never see me again, you sad, little fuck! You lonely little poof! What do you say to that?"
Charles blinks and throws the cappucino in Ben's face, scalding his features away and leaving him nothing more than a fried egg on stilts.
"Have fun, Chavam!" the driver sneers. "You might actually be able to put something on your archaeological experience CV apart from 'Jacking Off To Tomb Raider'!'"
"Yeah, well, I MIGHT JUST DO THAT! AND I'M IN NO WAY SECRETLY DISAPPOINTED WITH THIS RESPONSE! And I'm not feeling you should be emotionally devastated that you won't see my smooth chest again! Look at my deep eyes? Do you see any tears?"
"Not yet, but soon!" the driver promises and runs over Ben, reverses over him, then runs over him again. The twitching body, covered with tire tracks, claws feebly for a moment.
'D-don't... oh, fuck, my ribs... don't concern yourself... blugh... on my account... ya wuss! Shit, how many compound fractures can a guy get in five minutes, anyway?'
Then, a Morris Minor drives over him and parks.
'Oh... that many...'
The next day, the Morris Minor finally drives off and Ben creeps to the flat and blocks out the agony and torment with a perpetually looped tape of Bowie's 'Sense of Doubt' and waits patiently for Charles to ring him up and beg forgiveness.
Three years later, Ben decides to play hard to get and steals a car and drives to the village of Tellbury. Passing a welcome sign consisting of a blood-drenched skeleton hanging from a tree and a monument marked ONLY THE LOCAL MUST LIVE!!!, Ben crashes the car into a church, smashing down the wall. Ben runs off to the nearest Bed and Breakfast, knocking over a little old lady that is exiting.
Ben decided to call her Margot for some reason, and slaps her whenever she tries to correct him. He orders her to take his bags into the 'domicile' or else he'll have her flogged to death for allowing foreign elements into his air space.
Storming into the best bedroom in the hotel, Ben finds a £600 jacket which he steals. He then 'marks his territory' in the toilet, the pot plant, the bed and wardrobe. He then demands Margot unpack for him or he'll crush her shoulderblades.
Striding downstairs, Ben finds a small petting zoo containing hares and rabbits. Incredibly sexually frustrated, Ben kills every last one and hangs eight on them on a hook from the ceiling. When a small five year old girl approaches and asks why 'Flopsy' is oozing blood from a slashed throat, Ben kindly explains that he eradicates vermin. These were the rabbit equivalent of chavs, damn it!
"I AM NOT BI-POLARRR!" he screams at the dead rabbits.
He then threatens the girl with a shotgun and she runs off screaming.
Then two Midwich Cuckoos wander into the room, stab Ben repeatedly, gouge out his eyes and chew them up. They then hook him up with the hares and laugh insanely.
However, Ben simply comes back to life, as always, kinda like Mike Myers in Halloween, except not as endearing. He screams that he is a higher form of life than chavs like them!
The Midwich Cuckoos skip away, huming 'You loser, loser, Chatham' to themselves over and over again.
Ben detaches himself from the hook, glad he hasn't been anally violated today, but still, the night is young. Ben heads back to the church, gets in the car and drives off to the excavation only to come to a halt when he sees an army of medieval knights charging towards him with lances.
Ben thinks this is another morphine-induced hallucination and drives on ahead, unheeding.
Five seconds later he is skewered on the lance, which enters via his mouth and leaves via his arse.
Just another day in Hell, Chatham-style.
2: The Sign of the Crosssing
Suddenly, the medieval knights disappear and Ben drops heavily to the ground with a very sore posterior. With absolutely no trace of the knights, Ben breaks into the nearby feild and starts eating all the ripe blackberries he can, laughing evilly at the thought of the poor farmer getting up one day to find all his crops gone.
At that moment he is run over by a Morris Minor, driven by a young woman who gets out and kicks him repeatedly. She finds blackberry picking quaint and chavish and so must be punished.
Ben hastily insists he is no chav, but an amateur archaeologist with a first from Cambridge heading to desecrate a Saxon archaeological site. The girl introduces herself as Katie 'All Chavs Must Die' Ryan, project manager at the site. Like Ben, her CV is pretty pathetic - just pleasuring herself while watching Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.
At the site, an old vicar called Father Jack is shouting monosyllabic abuse at the workers until he is run over by Katie and Ben, for having stubble on his chin.
Ben idly steals the dead priest's wallet and finds a petition with 500 signatures promising to unleash the armies of Satan if the archaelogical dig happens. The armies take the form of medieval knights on horseback.
This doesn't ring a bell and so Ben ignores it.
Katie and Ben go to dinner, planning the death of further Chavs. But Ben's simple throat slitting isn't enough for Katie, and desperately he tries to impress her by explaining he travelled with the Last of the Time Lords who found him so irritated he removed him from history and dumped in this false Hell.
Katie finds the story ridiculous and when Ben mentions his pathetic stalking of Charles is told that he is worse than a Chav, he's a gay Chav in denial. For a laugh, she rings his parents and outs them. As his father foams at the mouth and swears to kill himself, Ben hastily hangs up the phone and tells Katie she's a naughty girl.
FIRSTLY, she doesn't believe his wild stories of time travel, aliens and medieval knights, THEN she calls him a chav and NOW she's outed him and got his parents to go on a psychopathic killing spree and she STILL hasn't given him a right good shagging!
Katie bludgens him unconscious, rams a pineapple up his arse and handcuffs him naked to his bed at the b & b. A silver crate sits in the corner, delivered by special courier.
Who could it be from? Ben only told Charles he was coming here. And Paul. And Jenna. And Karen. And all the people at the Tate Modern. And his parents. And posted a live streaming webcam on the net. And hired a few bilboards outside Cambridge. And taken out an add in The Irish Racist. And that's it!
At that moment the crate explodes open to reveal...
"K9!"
“Affirmitive, you bastard. I am K9 Mark 534098. Present from the Doctor-Master. Suggest you make peace with your deities according to your various belief systems. I am here to slaughter you like the pig you are and chew bubble gum. Sensors indicate no bubble gum is available. Processing. I shall now slaughter you like the pig you are..."
Ben is, dare we even to say it, concerned?!?
3: Steady Experiment
K9 extends his blaster and fires boiling oil at the trapped Ben, then absinthe, and then applies electrical current. As all Ben's body hair is electrocuted, K9 extends a metal arm carrying a machete and starts to dismember Ben, explaining the Doctor thought he might appreciate the new technology built into K9.
Ben's remains are placed in bin bags and dumped in the bin. K9 then levitates onto the bed, plays 'Oh Well' by Fleetwood Mac and starts rolling a huge spliff, whistling as he does so.
Meanwhile, Margot opens the garbage bags and pours the contents into a deep fat frier to make a greasy looking English breakfast, despite the screams from Ben's severed head.
The Midwich Cuckoos arrive, jam forks into Ben's head, dip it in batter, fry it and then take it outside for a quick game of soccer. However, this gives time for Ben's body to recorporealize and it lumbers blindly around the place like a headless Mickey auton.
"You silly fuck, we hate you!" the entire cast and crew sings as Ben's head is kicked into a cow pat.
Finally Ben's head re-merges with his body and, removing the forks, batter and dung, Ben decides to ring up Charles every five seconds for the next two days. But Charles has changed the number and left an insulting voicemail message.
Annoyed, Ben heads back into the car and drives to the site. However, K9 has smuggled himself aboard and tries to shoot him and crash the car. Ben dives out of the car as it crashes and explodes with K9 aboard. Ben gets up, dusts himself down and congratulates himself for a brilliant escape from almost certain death.
Whereupon he is run over by Katie in her Morris Minor.
Eventually recovering, Ben heads to the excavation trench and discovers Tony Robinson's Time Team are there to use the trenches as a novel way to break into the nearby bank.
Ben arrives, shoves Katie into a ditch and starts screaming incredibly loudly about how wonderful, sexy and sophisiticated he is and how much cleverer he is in archaeology than Tony 'Baldrick' Robinson.
Tony Robinson takes this calmly and begins to give a long and detailed prospectus of the local Techfield Research Centre, complete with handout and powerpoint presentation. This however is just a distraction while the rest of the Time Team ram a shotgun up Ben's arse and give him both barrels, blowing his head off his shoulders.
At that moment, K9 breaks into Techfield and uses his laser to release a cage full of rage-crazed monkeys who go on the rampage, infecting everyone they can with the evil virus.
By midday, Ben has recovered enough to get to the nearest pub, and stumbles through the countryside as the monkeys attack, foaming at the mouth. Mistaking them for Chavs, Ben places a stone in a sling and slaughters the monkeys in a Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure-style massacre of ludicrous proportions.
Just then, in the tree above, K9 releases a 100 tonne weight on top of Ben. Unfortunately, Ben is now infected with the rage virus and immediately runs to the nearest pub and bites the face off the bartender before racing into the gents. The realization he has got blood on his expensive white shirt and now resembles a chav is enough to shake himself out of the virus.
Emerging from the bathroom he discovers K9 has sewed together the remains of the landlord and uses a brief, convenient lightning storm to revive the creature and sends him to ruthlessly murder Ben.
"Eat hot lead, ape boy!" K9 jeers.
Ben backs away and is suddenly struck by a horrible memory that some guy who sold him an ice cream when he was seven probably doesn't remember him any more. A single tear rolls down Ben's cheek...
Then a grand piano falls through the ceiling and crushes him.
4: Into the Lubricant
The zombie landlord smashes the grand piano apart to get at Ben and K9 repeatedly zaps him again and again, but as Ben is the only real person in hell he cannot die.
This gives K9 the shits immensely.
Finally, his batteries run down and the small splinter of charcoal left of Ben Chatham wriggles for freedom. Several hours and David Sylvian's 'Secrets of the Beehive' later, Ben has regrown his limbs enough to gatecrash in Katie's place and claims she invited him there in breeding bitch lust for his body.
Katie’s face suddenly breaks into a huge grin and she starts to laugh uncontrollably much to Ben's annoyance and then puts his testacles in a vice and crushes them like walnuts.
Ben's eyes fill with tears as he hobbles out, only for K9 to drop from the ceiling with piano wire and tries to garotte Ben with it. Ben's severed head goes flying and smashing into a tacky turqoise vase on the shelf that actually happened to be the one thing Katie cared about in the whole wide world apart from herself and her pathological hatred of chav-kind.
K9 zaps the floor with his lase and both Ben's head and body fall through into the septic tank. A second blast from K9 triggers a methane explosion that obliterates all trace of Ben.
Katie decides to hire a prostitute and walks off. K9 sits on her sofa and watches Robot Wars while making a curious buzzing noise.
Ben's left leg survives and hops in the direction when some scientists find it and, confused, take it back to the lab with all the other distorted animal, human hybrids... or, as they call it...
THE LARGEST CHAV ARMY IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!
5: Consptipation of Terror
Ben regrows his body just in time to see Katie smash her way into the lab with an axe, chanting 'ALL CHAVS MUST DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!' over and over again.
Ben flees into the office of the Evil Director James Kunt who is wasted on his drinks cabinet and is trying to seduce his chair, which he calls 'Bruce'.
Ben snaps Kunt's neck and drinks all the brandy in one go... giving him lethal alcohol poisoning! He collapses as his liver disintegrates and wonders if the Chavs will finally consume the world.
That is definitely unlikely, given the way Katie is slaughtering them all and bathing in their impure blood.
She then knocks into the room marked DESTRUCTIVE DEVICE (TEMPORAL), where the DDT is trying to summon armies of chav knights out of history, and hacks it apart.
Immediately, the sky vanishes!
Yes, Katie has unintentionally triggered the destruction of hell, and is unplugging it from the TARDIS energy banks! K9 arrives, explains this, then heads off to get laid.
Ben realizes he has to escape as soon as possible and abandon everyone in Cyber-Hell to die horrible, fiery deaths. He begins to scream hysterically for the Doctor to save him!
In the TARDIS, the Doctor cracks open a can of Ossoban Soul-Killer and calls out, 'Hey Martha, check this out! Any second, that little prick's going to die horribly!'
Martha joins him. 'Is that Adam Rickett?' she asks.
'No, but we can pretend.'
6: Stand And Deliver!
An earthquake ripples through Hell as one by one, the inhabitants start to blink out of existence. K9 realizes he will soon follow and vows to get Ben before the end. As he glides off, Cambridge vanishes into the void, sucking with it Operation Helter Skelter, UNIT HQ, 10 Downing Street and a Wimpy cafe.
Ben is running around in circles, screaming that he is a teapot. Katie bursts in in a bit of cheap Shining imagery, screaming that all Chavs Must DIE!
Ben sculls a bottle of Chardonnay and calls Charles again, offering him one last chance for sex before the end, but simply gets an engaged signal - specifically engaged to Jenna Stannis.
Ben's eyes fill with tears and then his spine is filled with a fire axe. He shouldn't get so distracted at this point.
Katie moves on, littering hell with blood spattered corpses which promptly vanish, screaming hysterically.
Ben removes the fire axe and finishes the wine.
Just then, K9 arrives and begins to bounce up and down onto Ben's head, grinding it into paste before he too implodes into nothingness. Suddenly, a massive breach appears and Ben falls through...
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is horrified! Ben Chatham has escaped back into the normla flow of space time! WHO KNOWS WHAT HORROR THIS COULD DO TO THE WEB OF REALITY?!
It is then he realizes Martha is now swigging single malt and listening to Radiohead's 'Kid A'.
"But that's impossible!" he gasps.
To be continued...
16 Doppelganger
The Ben Chatham Off Spin Misadventures:
The Dope Gang-Banger
1: Lazy Sunday
Still stuck in a godless void on the outer reaches of human misery - which looks just like Cambridge - a lonely Ben Chatham is thinking miserably about his adventure with Operation Helter-Skelter and how everyone committed suicide rather than fawn pathetically for him.
Now alone, without lesser beings for him to spit at, Ben spends his days slowly but surely masterbating himself to death with the nagging feeling that the upper class are shunning him.
As Ben continues to dehydrate as Bowie's 'Heathen' album plays, he muses how all the sex and booze he has had of late has exhausted him past the point of total collapse. Idly he wonders if this unreal hell contains someone he shagged several years ago who has just dropped dead in a brutal occult murder.
At that moment a psychotic postman drops through the glass ceiling, does a tumble roll, draws two submachine guns and opens fire on Ben and then runs off screaming.
Tragically, Ben's expensive silk dressing gown has saved his life since it is now unaccountably stiff and crinkly. Ben notes that the postman has left behind a parcel marked VERY HARD DRUGS which he immediately rips open with his teeth.
Ben believes his recent suicidal depression can be cured by adding cocaine to boring old absinthe to make Sparacus Martinis, which won't cure the black outs and bad temper but simply make them irrelevant and allow them to move on.
Tragically, the parcel contains no drugs but a Brighton Peer Kiss Me Quick hat.
Ben is surprised and immediately fouls himself. Putting on the hat he finds a note from Jenna Stannis, smuggling space babe of the stars who, in sixth form in a Dorset college, beat him with a length of chain, crucified him and lowered him slowly into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Obviously, she was just playing hard to get because no sane person COULDN'T love Ben. Apart from, you know, letting Steve Best die and such, but that would just be picky.
(As for how Ben survived that impossible situation, we shall never find out, but presumably it's the same way Captain Jack gets out of these situations. Only not as romantic.)
Ben injects himself with morphine and decides, based on statistical probability that this Kiss Me Quick hat has been buried for hundreds of years and was unearthed by construction workers building a new ICT wing's foundations.
The thought of all those sweaty muscly men makes Ben rush to the bathroom. Eventually he staggers out, even more dehydrated and decides to throw the hat in the bin as it is uncouth vulgar and reminds him how few snogs he's got lately.
As he makes himself a hit of heroin, Ben decides his archaeological expertise (not that he can spell that) is probably needed by Jenna. After all, who wouldn't want him to gatecrash their pathetic little lives as they spin uselessly in the void?
For example, he could burst in on Sir Professor Archibald Broxby and steal his collection of illegal French lithographs! Yeah, and he can say that the Kiss Me Quick hat is, in fact, an ancient warrior design unknown to human science! A new society called... The Chathams!
So excited, Ben rushes back into the bathroom. Then he rushes out, grabs a tube of peppermint shower gel and runs back inside.
Finally, Ben regains enough body moisture to leave his room and wanders through King's College, noting all the decomposing corpses of those who took their own lives rather than spend time with him. He stops by the chapel and scratches 'BEN IZ GRATE!' across the stained glass image of the Sermon on the Mount.
Ben kicks down the Professor's door and meets an ugly bald fat man in his late fifties with no arms and a dribbling problem.
This is Charles Broxby, who Ben immediately falls in love with.
Charles makes a series of strange donkey-like noises which translate as 'Hi. Are you looking for my father? He's delivering a lecture at the moment but you can come in and wait. I'm Charles Broxby visiting my father Sir Professor Archibald Broxby. I'm a painter. And a sculpter. I have recently been exhibiting some of my work in the college's art department gallery - to encourage the undergraduates to improve their own, poor limited efforts.'
Ben makes his own donkey-noises, and the phrase 'cunnilingus' is used. Attracted to the same mindless zealotry as Charles, Ben modestly claims he knows the entire history of humanity front-to-back, he offers the Kiss Me Quick Hat as proof of his theories that the Chatham clan are the master race that truly deserve to rule the Earth.
Charles drools some more and admits he can't explain why his trousers are suddenly so tight.
Meanwhile, Professor Broxby dives in through the window, starts a petrol fire, pisses on the cat and headbuts the sofa before realizing this is HIS apartment and not the Dean's. Annoyed, Broxby produces a fire extinguisher and wishes idly for an ex-Corrie star to wander in for some good old fashioned quicklime-under-the fingernails.
Ben, showing surprising intelligence, stays quiet and considers maybe his 'made in Taiwan' archaeological find may not be genuine.
He throws this in Broxby's face, steals his stash and runs out of the room and heads straight for the local pub the Swan. Only to discover it is barred with the words 'CHAVS ONLY' in large, friendly letters.
Charles follows and, via interprative dance, offers to take Ben out on a date with lots of booze, absinthe and naked girls.
Overcome by heterophobia and that speed he took earlier, Ben loses control of his bladder and runs off whimpering sadly. Charles watches him go and then falls over.
Ben then falls into a bear trap which rips off his left foot. As he hops around, bleeding Upper Class blood, Jenna Stannis appears and fires a gun at him repeatedly until he collapses. Ben, coughing up blood, insists Jenna is hiding from her true feelings and has always secretly found him attractive.
Jenna stares at him for a long moment, then smashes a milk bottle and rams the jagged end into Ben's skull.
However, at this point, Broxby wanders by and wonders why a nice girl like Jenna is removing a crippled and dying man's teeth with her boot? Ben whimpers, realizing Broxby has forgotten who he is.
Upon realizing Ben Chatham's identity, Broxby happily joins in.
Later that day, the remains of Ben - his chest, and a few strings of meat - creep into the flat and plans a healthy, non-Chav vegitarian meal of tinned tomatoes, beer and cocaine.
Ben then realizes his mutilated skull is still downstairs and crawls back to reattach it, leaving a trail of blood as it goes. As we see this, Marc Almond's 'Stories of Johnny' appropriately plays in the background.
As Ben reattaches his head, Charles arrives and farts in Morse Code that Broxby has been brutally torn limb from limb!
However, Charles is just a bit confused and is actually talking about Ben Chatham. He throws the Kiss Me Quick hat on Ben and wanders off, making a strange clucking noise as he does so.
2: The Evils that Badgers Do
Anyway, moving on. Ben regrows his body or something and decides to kill Sir Professor Broxby. He bursts into the apartment and tries to stab Broxby to death with some nice scissors.
Horrified at this pathetic attempt, Broxby shows how a REAL man kills and thus breaks every bone in his body, cuts open his stomach, pulls out his internal organs and snaps his own neck.
Ben watches, feeling ridiculously inadequate. Then he wets himself.
Returning home, Ben kidnaps Charles, ties him and forces a funnel into his mouth and pours brandy down it. He then tries to look all cool and intelligent in the Kiss Me Quick hat, but no one is fooled.
Ben vows the very next thing he will do is create the English Archaeolohical Preservation Trust and threaten the builders with legal action and threaten to fire all of Charles' friends.
For some reason, this doesn't make Charles want to sleep with Ben.
Ben, annoyed, hollows out a French loaf and has sex with it.
After a night gagged and bound on Ben's couch forced to listen to 'Tin Machine' over and over and over again, Charles is driven to the brink of insanity. Ben ties him to the roof rack of a car, steals the car and decides to find Jenna and run her over.
He considers using his contacts in Operation Helter Skelter and then remembers they all committed suicide en masse and, distracted, ram raids a Chinese Takeaway and slaughters an innocent family of asylum seekers eating chips.
Ben gets out of the car and flees the crime scene, leaving Charles tied to the roof and screaming for help.
5 months later, Ben remembers what he was intending to do and, after putting on some less-stained trousers, hurries to the local planning department where that horrible woman from Little Britain taps at a computer. She is unimpressed at his claims of a Kiss Me Quick hat, or Ben Chatham's claims that he is a member of the English Archaeological Trust, he has a CD collection and this means YOU DO NOT FUCKING SHIT WITH HIM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?
The computer says no.
Ben leaves the planning department, mopping blood from his hands before a plague of cockroaches appears and consumes the corpse of the pedantic, politically correct jobsworth dullard he brutally murdered. Ben wonders just where all the cockroaches are coming from and just why they all resemble Billie Piper, and realizing the marijuana gin he's been developing is finally starting to work.
Left at the car crash, Charles has starved himself thin enough to escape his bonds and teams up with Jenna to brutally murder Ben. He has been stuck listening to a perpetually looped cassette of Tchaikovsky's 'Pathetique' Symphony and he wants to kill someone very badly.
Ben can't be arsed walking back to the flat and hails a taxi to take him to the construction sight. He rips out the cabbie's tongue when he asks to be paid, and then tells all the workers the job has finished, they are unemployed and must become his bitches!
The Principal, Martin Kemp, arrives, rips off Ben's shirt and throws him into a pit. Three people with huge amounts of latex on their foreheads arrive and order the bulldozer to shove earth into the pit. That should scare off the interfering human.
Unfortunately, Ben puts down the rain of dirt as another drug-induced hallucination and stays exactly where he is until he is buried alive...
3: Constipation of Terror
Martin Kemp and the aliens wait patiently for the terrified Ben to break out of the soil and claw his way to safety.
After three days they realize Ben isn't going to climb out of there and they are going to be forced to dig the stupid bastard up. Martin Kemp points out that Ben Chatham has the lowest human IQ they have ever encountered - who better to be their play thing? No other human being is slow-witted enough for them to bury under twenty tons of dirt.
After two working days on minimum pay, Ben is excavated and found to be catatonic. This is due to his overdosing of drugs and is fortunate because not only has it totally stabilized his condition and allowed him to survive without food, water or oxygen, it also means he does not have the mental capacity to do anything when he is dug up by aliens who now take over Cambridge.
However, the sight of them makes him wet himself. Again.
Jenna and Charles arrive, intending to scrape out Ben's excuse of a brain with a coat hanger and use his optic nerves as dental floss, but the aliens insist they can use Ben for their not-at-all-piss-weak-evil plans. Jenna, incredibly frustrated, demands to be allowed to shoot the bastard's knee caps while Charles strokes Ben's armpit hair before ripping it out.
This curiously gets through Ben's catatonia, and he reacts with fury. "How dare you?! I have a first from Cambridge! You don't respect me, do you?"
Jenna rips off Ben's testicles, rams them down his throat and tries to choke him to death.
The aliens make only the feeblest of attempts to stop this which mainly takes the form of chanting, 'Uggi-uggi-uggi! OI! OI! OI!'
Tragically, this is not reality and Ben survives more or less unharmed. The aliens decide to get on with the for what shall hereafter be referred to (albeit inaccurately) as the plot. These aliens, lead by Martin Kemp, are Zentar Zanons from the Zenton Empire of Zoton-Zoto in the Zaurus Galaxy - the aliens are Zed, Zeebon, Zuli, Zim and Zaniel, also known as Zani, and Zobos.
"'Zat 'zo?" quips Ben and immediately has his intestines violently removed via his anus.
Martin Kemp explains that a million billion zillion quintillion Earth years ago, a tyrant known only as Krack-Hoar allowed a game of badmington to get wildly out of control and into a genocidal war which wiped out every living thing not beginning with the letter Z. Krack-Hoar got bored and left for a wet weekend in Cardiff and never came back. After a few games of Monopoly, the Zentar Zanons have gone stir crazy and want to hunt down Krack-Hoar and treat her the way all non-Zeds (or Ch'Avvs) must be dealt with.
Ben points out that after a million billion zillion quintillion Earth years, Krack-Hoar's probably dead and, anyway, this isn't reality but a hell the Doctor hurled Ben Chatham into after mentioning his first at Cambridge one time too many.
Annoyed, Charles snaps Ben's neck. Ben survives, proving his point that this is not reality.
The irony of the situation makes everyone laugh for 35 seconds straight.
Martin Kemp gets down to business and explains he is willing to make a straight deal with Ben Chatham - they will use their near magical powers to cure his embarassing bladder problems. However, when pressed, all they have is a new pair of rubber trousers. Proving himself too stupid to live, Ben happily accepts this and, after ironing-on a cartoon worm marked CHAV BAIT onto the front, he agrees to help the plathetic aliens who boast their own computer - Zorac! Actually, it's ORAC, not Zorac, but Jenna can't be arsed to correct the aliens. She can, however, be arsed to snap both of Ben's forearms.
The Zentar Zanons suspect Krack-Hoar has killed and replaced someone in authority - SERIOUS authority not the pathetic tangle of delusions and snobbery that Ben counts as authority - to become a paranoid, mindless psychopath bent on destruction yet simultaneously unable to string two words together. However, all this evidence points to Krack-Hoar being Ben Chatham!
The group beat the living shit out of him.
4: Pissed and Lying
Ben finally convinces everyone he is not a crack-whore, which is funny because he really is a sex-addled junkie. As the aliens struggle to think of someone else Krack-Hoar could be possessing, Ben limps home, regrowing a few limbs and the more important internal organs before covering himself in hummus and Greek salad and waiting for Charles to drop by and roughly seduce him.
However, he doesn't turn up and Bowie's 'Heroes' album has played sixty-seven times and Ben is wasted on chardonnay, insisting that the entire universe is just playing hard to get and they all really love him, really.
Ben decides, for want of something to do, he will seduce Prime Minister Harriet 'Hellfire' Jones. Why not?
Ben thinks about this for roughly 94 seconds and decides not to run before he can walk and so will seduce George Bush first - after all, the American President IS the only person in the created omniverse who does not pose an intellectual threat to Ben Chatham.
Jenna throws a bowling ball through the window and empties a bucket of toxic waste on the Greek salad, pointing out that although Bush can't string a logical sentence together and also looks like an inbred muppet, he's still more likable and sexually attractive than Ben.
Ben puts his fingers in his ears and warbles 'Lahlahalah! I can't HEAR you! Lahlahlalahlaha...' before Charles arrives and injects a hypodermic full of lemon juice into Ben's left eye.
Three hours later, Ben stops screaming and loses conscious - and bowel control, naturally - and awakes, sticky and stinging the next morning. At that moment, Paul Farrady and Ken from Operation Helter-Skelter arrive, brought back to life by the ADD affecting this fake reality.
Ben joyously welcomes them and asks them if they think he's sexy and then goes on to tell them about how his life has turned to madman's shit ever since he met Rose the Clingy Chav who saw him as a pathway to a better life rather than as a person.
"I had books, went to public school, Oxford and represents a better life than anyone who works in retail or lives in a flat, so OF COURSE she was mesmirized by me. Yes. Tragic, isn't it when people live a lower-class lifestyle? Devoid of horte cuisine and designer clothing and David Bowie music... Yet I had to put up with that filthy commoner with the big teeth! What did I ever do to deserve that! This is so unfair! I deserve so much more than a gold-digging, social-climbing whore who uses her sex appeal on any man who's able to improve her social status, in this case me! I can still hear her voice. 'IMPREGNATE ME NOW, CULTURE BOY!' That's what she used to scream at me, you know."
Paul and Kared nod sympathetically, douse Ben in petrol and set him on fire, throw him out of the window into the back of a truck full of primed mousetraps and barbed wire.
The truck drives off and as the singed and scorched remains of Ben try to claw out, the truck brakes suddenly. Ben is flung out the back onto the ground, and the truck slowly reverses over him.
At that moment, a large crow descends towards Ben and pecks his face before ripping into what's left of his skin. Within seconds, starlings, crows, thrushes and seagulls from all directions are pecking and screeching and tearing Ben to pieces.
Up on a nearby abandoned warehouse, Charles watches with pride at how well-trained his bird collection are. A sign nearby says CHARLES' HARPIES FROM THE GATES OF HELL BIRD ASSASSINATION SERVICE, AS RECOMMENDED BY ALFRED HITCHCOCK.
Finally, however, the birds have no energy left and leave the blood-splattered remains of Ben, which starts to regrow itself while waiting patiently for Charles and Jenna to run back to him and be all concerned and loving because he's so fundamentally lovable.
No one runs back for him, but he is run over three times by a Morris Minor. Finally Ben gets off his arse and leaves the road, deciding that evil aliens must be trying to kill him.
Ben heads for London on foot and gets hopelessly lost, mugged, raped, beaten, battered and kicked before finally ending up in 10 Downing Street - a tent atop a heap of rubble. Inside is Harriet Jones, playing croquet with her PAs. Literally, with her PAs. They make strange noises as she smacks their heads off and through metal hoops.
Ben arrives and tries to explain that none of this is real, but a computer simulated hell and actually he's really just loveable and any minute the Doctor will realize his life is pointless without a smooth-chested archaelogist at his side. 'Ah, sweet elitism,' he sighs nostalgically.
Harriet shoots Ben through the head. Not because she hates his guts or anything, she just tends to react like that, and then sends Touch Wood's Belgrano Device to blast Ben into smithereens.
Brightly, Harriet stabs another PA and uses their blood to write a note to President Bush saying that if he blames her for the recent terrorist incidents in Tel Aviv, he will find his forthcoming state visit to Britain HIGHLY reminiscent of JFK's visit to Dallas. Then, realizing she's being too subtle, scrunches up the note and writes, 'YOU MA BITCH, BUSH, OR YOU DIE! YOU DIE! AND YOU GO TO HELL!'
Since this isn't reality, Harriet uses her disturbing imagination and is transformed into a cold, thin, yellow-eyed reptile that just so happens to be identical to Margaret Thatcher.
The re-composing remanins of Ben Chatham look concerned.
5: I Wish This Was As Good As Love & Monsters
Ben respects his betters in society and since he was commanded to sod off by the Prime Minister herself, decided to leave before realizing
a) she's a woman
b) she's not even real, but a computer sprite
c) no one is superior to Chatham. Chatham is the Supreme Being of the Universe, the Sex God of Creation! Bow down continents! Bow down planets! Bow down stars! Bow down whole galaxies and praise CHATHAM, THE GREAT ALL-POWERFUL CHATHAM WITH THE FIRST FROM CAMBRIDGE......
...sorry, wandered off there.
His pitiful self-confidence restored, Ben begins a fully-choreographed rendition of China Girl in an attempt to seduce Harriet Jones. Unfortunately, he has reconstituted his physical form so many times 80% of his body is the illegal drugs he has been taken. Now COMPLETELY off his face, he explains that he has been declared Emperor of Britain by OHS and she must pleasure him day and night.
Harriet Jones finally notices Ben, mutters 'Are you still here?' and then buggers him violently with a switched-on chainsaw.
It takes a lot longer than normal for Ben to recover from that and decides that, logically, for Jones to have rejected giving him a shag she must be some sort of evil alien!
At this point a frozen block of urine from a passing jet drops onto Ben's skull, shattering it like an egg. Shedding a single tear and that single gallon of urine, Ben decides to return to the flat and wank himself into oblivion. It's much safer.
No sooner is he back at the flat then Charles and Jenna arrive. Ben cheerfully invites them to get into his pants, since he is so strong and sensitive only complete losers wouldn't fall in love with him.
Jenna smashes him over the head with a bottle she got from the wine shop while Charles nails Ben to the minimalist dining table and starts shoving stuff from from Guntons The Speciality Food Shops For Locals up Ben's hapless backside. Kylie's 'Can't Get You Out of My Head' plays in a suitable manner as Ben is stuffed like a Christmas Turkey.
Jenna empties a tin of Whiskers' cat food over Ben's genitals and then released to rabid tabby cats into the hotel. They attack Ben with slashing claws and slavering mouths but worst of all... WORST of all...
...is that Ben is actually ENJOYING the experience.
Disgusted, Charles starts shoving cotton wool down Ben's throat and pours TCP down his nose. But when Jenna rips a towel up to gag Ben, something goes wrong.
Because that wasn't just any old towel.
It was from Harrod's.
And Jenna damaging the towel Makes It Personal, in a way that it wasn't before.
"Alright, you cunts!" Ben screams, his flesh turning all geen and muscular. "You've repeated subjected me to the most humiliating and painful demises ever composed, but there's one mistake that was your downfall... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA JUST HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE THAT TOWEL WAS! YOU MAKE CHATHAM ANGRY! CHATHAM SMASSSH!!'
The Incredible Chav breaks free from his bonds, picks up Charles beats Jenna to death with him before crushing Charles' skull between his massive irradiated green hands.
The Incredible Chav smashes his way out of the flat and over to UNIT HQ and the Old Bailley which he then smashes to pieces. The next morning, Ben awakes covered in soot and clutching an iPod containing nothing but Philip Glass.
"Some sacrifices need to be made," he muses, before caressing the ash and mortar off of his smooth chest, his iron-wrought muscles gleaming in the sunshine of a new day.
Ben suddenly awakes to find himself nailed to the table being sodomized by a passing goat. Idly he asks if Jenna has realized how much she loves him and how she wants his body and desires to wake up beside him every morning for the rest of her useless life? Has she had the dream sequence with the Britney Spears music yet?
The door to the flat opens and Martin Kemp enters and wonders precisely why Ben is nailed to a table with tofu rammed up his arse when he should be trying to locate the evil Krak-Hoar? Doesn't he want those alien incontinence trousers?
The goat bites off an important part of Ben's anatomy and runs off. Ben whimpers and wonders what evil alien force is making all cats and dogs hunt him down and torture him. Kemp is more concerned by comparing travel time frequency tables between the USA and UK.
Ben whimpers and wets himself, making that very personal injury turn septic. Martin Kemp watches this, is quietly sick in the sink and walks out, calling his psycho-analyst for an emergency session.
Ben sets up an IV of shiraz and starts to regrow his reproductive organs and muses how it's lucky he has absolutely no social life or being an effective prisoner in his flat would really suck. In fact, it reminds him of when he was a small boy and his parents would lock him in the attic, set fire to the house and move to the South of France because they were pretending not to like him.
'Damn it! I have dark shadows in the past! Why won't anyone sleep with me? WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT?!?'
Ben desperately rings a phone sex line and instead gets Paul Farrady who has nothing better to do than talk dirty... at least until he finds out he's talking to Ben, whereupon he starts screaming, rips off his clothes, burns them and hide in the shower, sobbing hysterically.
Ben, nonplussed puts down the phone.
At that moment, the TARDIS arrives and the Doctor and Rose stagger out. The Doctor boasts that he and Rose have no memory of Ben whatsoever and they just had some kick ass adventures with Queen Victoria, some kung-fu months and a werewolf! Today, they're going to take on an entire army of Cybermen armed only with a mood crystal and a text message AND BEN CAN'T COME! HAR-HAR-HAH!
Ben demands to know how the Doctor can be so cruel when he claims not to remember who Ben is anyway...
...and the Doctor, Rose and the TARDIS vanish in a puff of logic.
Startled, Ben craps himself.
Ben realizes he is a useless, ugly piece of crap who has totally wasted his life and made everyone he met miserable with his self-centred, aristo-fetish hatred and he deserves every minute of this electrically-modulated hell.
He then decides that he might as well assassinate President Bush - if only to honor the memory of his towel.
6: Revelation (That The Author Has Absolutely No Recognizable Literary Skill Of Any Sort Whatsoever)
Ben realizes that it would take quite a bit of effort to assassinate Bush. He'd have to get out of the chair, arrange a flight to the US, research the movements of the President and his security arrangements, get some kind of rifle together, not to mention learn how to use one of the damn things and on top of that fire it correctly.
"This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to do all that?!"
Ben rings Martin Kemp and demands he do the assassination for him. He then rings Jenna and demands she wipe out Harriet Jones because she's an alien evil zombie bitch. He then rings UNIT and tells them to bomb the tent (which they are totally up for... until they realize it's Ben Chatham speaking and refuse to purely on principal).
In fact, Colonel Brixby-Hunt is so offended he goes to Harriet Jones and tells her of this outrage. Harriet reacts by ripping his throat out, proving once and for all... she is the genuine article.
Martin Kemp and his aliens arrive, believing erroneously that Harriet Jones is Krack-Hoar and open fire on her with massive bazookas, but no avail. Harriet Jones slaughters all of them and laughs insanely. Desperately, OHS carpet bombs London and thousands die with hilarious consequences that will be forgotten about next.
Harriet Jones, Jenna and Charles break into the flat and close in on the helpless Ben, who grabs a hasty bottle of Ocean Musk Aftershave which triggers totally mental insanity in those that inhale its fumes.
Desperately, Ben sprays the trio with it and they choke, gasp and retch, blood streaming from their ears, noses and mouths... Luckily, Ocean Musk also contains Sarin gas.
All the animals are dead and Charles and Jenna are left mindless lust zombies that crave Ben's body and nothing else. Harriet Jones has lost every brain cell and happily wants to meet George Bush because he's so clever and also plans to topple Nelson's Column and replace it with Chatham's Pillar. The British Empire will be named The Ben Chatham Dynasty and at this point Harriet loses the ability to speak and drools on Ben's hair.
Ben decides that he shall take Jenna as his bride to shut up his parents while screwing Charles on the side, as its perfectly acceptable for you to be gay as long as no one knows about it.
Charles happily slobbers over Ben.
Meanwhile, aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor and Martha Jones are jiving to Tom Lehrer's The Masochism Tango, when a lamp starts flashing. The Doctor realizes his spatio-temporal holding pen is malfunctioning, so he thumps the console until the lamp stops flashing and promptly forgets all about it.
In Hell, Charles suddenly picks up an empty bottle of absinthe and smashes it over Ben's head. As he falls, Charles kicks him in the balls and storms out.
Jenna, disgusted at how Ben planned to use her as a trophy wife to distract people from being gayer than John Edwards, empties a saucepan of boiling oil onto him, smashes his face with the saucepan, before picking him up and slamming him head-first into the wall.
Ben is left, alone, concussed, naked, with third degree burns, absinthe, mashed potatos and a saucepan imbedded in his skull, wondering if it was maybe something he said...?
The End
The Dope Gang-Banger
1: Lazy Sunday
Still stuck in a godless void on the outer reaches of human misery - which looks just like Cambridge - a lonely Ben Chatham is thinking miserably about his adventure with Operation Helter-Skelter and how everyone committed suicide rather than fawn pathetically for him.
Now alone, without lesser beings for him to spit at, Ben spends his days slowly but surely masterbating himself to death with the nagging feeling that the upper class are shunning him.
As Ben continues to dehydrate as Bowie's 'Heathen' album plays, he muses how all the sex and booze he has had of late has exhausted him past the point of total collapse. Idly he wonders if this unreal hell contains someone he shagged several years ago who has just dropped dead in a brutal occult murder.
At that moment a psychotic postman drops through the glass ceiling, does a tumble roll, draws two submachine guns and opens fire on Ben and then runs off screaming.
Tragically, Ben's expensive silk dressing gown has saved his life since it is now unaccountably stiff and crinkly. Ben notes that the postman has left behind a parcel marked VERY HARD DRUGS which he immediately rips open with his teeth.
Ben believes his recent suicidal depression can be cured by adding cocaine to boring old absinthe to make Sparacus Martinis, which won't cure the black outs and bad temper but simply make them irrelevant and allow them to move on.
Tragically, the parcel contains no drugs but a Brighton Peer Kiss Me Quick hat.
Ben is surprised and immediately fouls himself. Putting on the hat he finds a note from Jenna Stannis, smuggling space babe of the stars who, in sixth form in a Dorset college, beat him with a length of chain, crucified him and lowered him slowly into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Obviously, she was just playing hard to get because no sane person COULDN'T love Ben. Apart from, you know, letting Steve Best die and such, but that would just be picky.
(As for how Ben survived that impossible situation, we shall never find out, but presumably it's the same way Captain Jack gets out of these situations. Only not as romantic.)
Ben injects himself with morphine and decides, based on statistical probability that this Kiss Me Quick hat has been buried for hundreds of years and was unearthed by construction workers building a new ICT wing's foundations.
The thought of all those sweaty muscly men makes Ben rush to the bathroom. Eventually he staggers out, even more dehydrated and decides to throw the hat in the bin as it is uncouth vulgar and reminds him how few snogs he's got lately.
As he makes himself a hit of heroin, Ben decides his archaeological expertise (not that he can spell that) is probably needed by Jenna. After all, who wouldn't want him to gatecrash their pathetic little lives as they spin uselessly in the void?
For example, he could burst in on Sir Professor Archibald Broxby and steal his collection of illegal French lithographs! Yeah, and he can say that the Kiss Me Quick hat is, in fact, an ancient warrior design unknown to human science! A new society called... The Chathams!
So excited, Ben rushes back into the bathroom. Then he rushes out, grabs a tube of peppermint shower gel and runs back inside.
Finally, Ben regains enough body moisture to leave his room and wanders through King's College, noting all the decomposing corpses of those who took their own lives rather than spend time with him. He stops by the chapel and scratches 'BEN IZ GRATE!' across the stained glass image of the Sermon on the Mount.
Ben kicks down the Professor's door and meets an ugly bald fat man in his late fifties with no arms and a dribbling problem.
This is Charles Broxby, who Ben immediately falls in love with.
Charles makes a series of strange donkey-like noises which translate as 'Hi. Are you looking for my father? He's delivering a lecture at the moment but you can come in and wait. I'm Charles Broxby visiting my father Sir Professor Archibald Broxby. I'm a painter. And a sculpter. I have recently been exhibiting some of my work in the college's art department gallery - to encourage the undergraduates to improve their own, poor limited efforts.'
Ben makes his own donkey-noises, and the phrase 'cunnilingus' is used. Attracted to the same mindless zealotry as Charles, Ben modestly claims he knows the entire history of humanity front-to-back, he offers the Kiss Me Quick Hat as proof of his theories that the Chatham clan are the master race that truly deserve to rule the Earth.
Charles drools some more and admits he can't explain why his trousers are suddenly so tight.
Meanwhile, Professor Broxby dives in through the window, starts a petrol fire, pisses on the cat and headbuts the sofa before realizing this is HIS apartment and not the Dean's. Annoyed, Broxby produces a fire extinguisher and wishes idly for an ex-Corrie star to wander in for some good old fashioned quicklime-under-the fingernails.
Ben, showing surprising intelligence, stays quiet and considers maybe his 'made in Taiwan' archaeological find may not be genuine.
He throws this in Broxby's face, steals his stash and runs out of the room and heads straight for the local pub the Swan. Only to discover it is barred with the words 'CHAVS ONLY' in large, friendly letters.
Charles follows and, via interprative dance, offers to take Ben out on a date with lots of booze, absinthe and naked girls.
Overcome by heterophobia and that speed he took earlier, Ben loses control of his bladder and runs off whimpering sadly. Charles watches him go and then falls over.
Ben then falls into a bear trap which rips off his left foot. As he hops around, bleeding Upper Class blood, Jenna Stannis appears and fires a gun at him repeatedly until he collapses. Ben, coughing up blood, insists Jenna is hiding from her true feelings and has always secretly found him attractive.
Jenna stares at him for a long moment, then smashes a milk bottle and rams the jagged end into Ben's skull.
However, at this point, Broxby wanders by and wonders why a nice girl like Jenna is removing a crippled and dying man's teeth with her boot? Ben whimpers, realizing Broxby has forgotten who he is.
Upon realizing Ben Chatham's identity, Broxby happily joins in.
Later that day, the remains of Ben - his chest, and a few strings of meat - creep into the flat and plans a healthy, non-Chav vegitarian meal of tinned tomatoes, beer and cocaine.
Ben then realizes his mutilated skull is still downstairs and crawls back to reattach it, leaving a trail of blood as it goes. As we see this, Marc Almond's 'Stories of Johnny' appropriately plays in the background.
As Ben reattaches his head, Charles arrives and farts in Morse Code that Broxby has been brutally torn limb from limb!
However, Charles is just a bit confused and is actually talking about Ben Chatham. He throws the Kiss Me Quick hat on Ben and wanders off, making a strange clucking noise as he does so.
2: The Evils that Badgers Do
Anyway, moving on. Ben regrows his body or something and decides to kill Sir Professor Broxby. He bursts into the apartment and tries to stab Broxby to death with some nice scissors.
Horrified at this pathetic attempt, Broxby shows how a REAL man kills and thus breaks every bone in his body, cuts open his stomach, pulls out his internal organs and snaps his own neck.
Ben watches, feeling ridiculously inadequate. Then he wets himself.
Returning home, Ben kidnaps Charles, ties him and forces a funnel into his mouth and pours brandy down it. He then tries to look all cool and intelligent in the Kiss Me Quick hat, but no one is fooled.
Ben vows the very next thing he will do is create the English Archaeolohical Preservation Trust and threaten the builders with legal action and threaten to fire all of Charles' friends.
For some reason, this doesn't make Charles want to sleep with Ben.
Ben, annoyed, hollows out a French loaf and has sex with it.
After a night gagged and bound on Ben's couch forced to listen to 'Tin Machine' over and over and over again, Charles is driven to the brink of insanity. Ben ties him to the roof rack of a car, steals the car and decides to find Jenna and run her over.
He considers using his contacts in Operation Helter Skelter and then remembers they all committed suicide en masse and, distracted, ram raids a Chinese Takeaway and slaughters an innocent family of asylum seekers eating chips.
Ben gets out of the car and flees the crime scene, leaving Charles tied to the roof and screaming for help.
5 months later, Ben remembers what he was intending to do and, after putting on some less-stained trousers, hurries to the local planning department where that horrible woman from Little Britain taps at a computer. She is unimpressed at his claims of a Kiss Me Quick hat, or Ben Chatham's claims that he is a member of the English Archaeological Trust, he has a CD collection and this means YOU DO NOT FUCKING SHIT WITH HIM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?
The computer says no.
Ben leaves the planning department, mopping blood from his hands before a plague of cockroaches appears and consumes the corpse of the pedantic, politically correct jobsworth dullard he brutally murdered. Ben wonders just where all the cockroaches are coming from and just why they all resemble Billie Piper, and realizing the marijuana gin he's been developing is finally starting to work.
Left at the car crash, Charles has starved himself thin enough to escape his bonds and teams up with Jenna to brutally murder Ben. He has been stuck listening to a perpetually looped cassette of Tchaikovsky's 'Pathetique' Symphony and he wants to kill someone very badly.
Ben can't be arsed walking back to the flat and hails a taxi to take him to the construction sight. He rips out the cabbie's tongue when he asks to be paid, and then tells all the workers the job has finished, they are unemployed and must become his bitches!
The Principal, Martin Kemp, arrives, rips off Ben's shirt and throws him into a pit. Three people with huge amounts of latex on their foreheads arrive and order the bulldozer to shove earth into the pit. That should scare off the interfering human.
Unfortunately, Ben puts down the rain of dirt as another drug-induced hallucination and stays exactly where he is until he is buried alive...
3: Constipation of Terror
Martin Kemp and the aliens wait patiently for the terrified Ben to break out of the soil and claw his way to safety.
After three days they realize Ben isn't going to climb out of there and they are going to be forced to dig the stupid bastard up. Martin Kemp points out that Ben Chatham has the lowest human IQ they have ever encountered - who better to be their play thing? No other human being is slow-witted enough for them to bury under twenty tons of dirt.
After two working days on minimum pay, Ben is excavated and found to be catatonic. This is due to his overdosing of drugs and is fortunate because not only has it totally stabilized his condition and allowed him to survive without food, water or oxygen, it also means he does not have the mental capacity to do anything when he is dug up by aliens who now take over Cambridge.
However, the sight of them makes him wet himself. Again.
Jenna and Charles arrive, intending to scrape out Ben's excuse of a brain with a coat hanger and use his optic nerves as dental floss, but the aliens insist they can use Ben for their not-at-all-piss-weak-evil plans. Jenna, incredibly frustrated, demands to be allowed to shoot the bastard's knee caps while Charles strokes Ben's armpit hair before ripping it out.
This curiously gets through Ben's catatonia, and he reacts with fury. "How dare you?! I have a first from Cambridge! You don't respect me, do you?"
Jenna rips off Ben's testicles, rams them down his throat and tries to choke him to death.
The aliens make only the feeblest of attempts to stop this which mainly takes the form of chanting, 'Uggi-uggi-uggi! OI! OI! OI!'
Tragically, this is not reality and Ben survives more or less unharmed. The aliens decide to get on with the for what shall hereafter be referred to (albeit inaccurately) as the plot. These aliens, lead by Martin Kemp, are Zentar Zanons from the Zenton Empire of Zoton-Zoto in the Zaurus Galaxy - the aliens are Zed, Zeebon, Zuli, Zim and Zaniel, also known as Zani, and Zobos.
"'Zat 'zo?" quips Ben and immediately has his intestines violently removed via his anus.
Martin Kemp explains that a million billion zillion quintillion Earth years ago, a tyrant known only as Krack-Hoar allowed a game of badmington to get wildly out of control and into a genocidal war which wiped out every living thing not beginning with the letter Z. Krack-Hoar got bored and left for a wet weekend in Cardiff and never came back. After a few games of Monopoly, the Zentar Zanons have gone stir crazy and want to hunt down Krack-Hoar and treat her the way all non-Zeds (or Ch'Avvs) must be dealt with.
Ben points out that after a million billion zillion quintillion Earth years, Krack-Hoar's probably dead and, anyway, this isn't reality but a hell the Doctor hurled Ben Chatham into after mentioning his first at Cambridge one time too many.
Annoyed, Charles snaps Ben's neck. Ben survives, proving his point that this is not reality.
The irony of the situation makes everyone laugh for 35 seconds straight.
Martin Kemp gets down to business and explains he is willing to make a straight deal with Ben Chatham - they will use their near magical powers to cure his embarassing bladder problems. However, when pressed, all they have is a new pair of rubber trousers. Proving himself too stupid to live, Ben happily accepts this and, after ironing-on a cartoon worm marked CHAV BAIT onto the front, he agrees to help the plathetic aliens who boast their own computer - Zorac! Actually, it's ORAC, not Zorac, but Jenna can't be arsed to correct the aliens. She can, however, be arsed to snap both of Ben's forearms.
The Zentar Zanons suspect Krack-Hoar has killed and replaced someone in authority - SERIOUS authority not the pathetic tangle of delusions and snobbery that Ben counts as authority - to become a paranoid, mindless psychopath bent on destruction yet simultaneously unable to string two words together. However, all this evidence points to Krack-Hoar being Ben Chatham!
The group beat the living shit out of him.
4: Pissed and Lying
Ben finally convinces everyone he is not a crack-whore, which is funny because he really is a sex-addled junkie. As the aliens struggle to think of someone else Krack-Hoar could be possessing, Ben limps home, regrowing a few limbs and the more important internal organs before covering himself in hummus and Greek salad and waiting for Charles to drop by and roughly seduce him.
However, he doesn't turn up and Bowie's 'Heroes' album has played sixty-seven times and Ben is wasted on chardonnay, insisting that the entire universe is just playing hard to get and they all really love him, really.
Ben decides, for want of something to do, he will seduce Prime Minister Harriet 'Hellfire' Jones. Why not?
Ben thinks about this for roughly 94 seconds and decides not to run before he can walk and so will seduce George Bush first - after all, the American President IS the only person in the created omniverse who does not pose an intellectual threat to Ben Chatham.
Jenna throws a bowling ball through the window and empties a bucket of toxic waste on the Greek salad, pointing out that although Bush can't string a logical sentence together and also looks like an inbred muppet, he's still more likable and sexually attractive than Ben.
Ben puts his fingers in his ears and warbles 'Lahlahalah! I can't HEAR you! Lahlahlalahlaha...' before Charles arrives and injects a hypodermic full of lemon juice into Ben's left eye.
Three hours later, Ben stops screaming and loses conscious - and bowel control, naturally - and awakes, sticky and stinging the next morning. At that moment, Paul Farrady and Ken from Operation Helter-Skelter arrive, brought back to life by the ADD affecting this fake reality.
Ben joyously welcomes them and asks them if they think he's sexy and then goes on to tell them about how his life has turned to madman's shit ever since he met Rose the Clingy Chav who saw him as a pathway to a better life rather than as a person.
"I had books, went to public school, Oxford and represents a better life than anyone who works in retail or lives in a flat, so OF COURSE she was mesmirized by me. Yes. Tragic, isn't it when people live a lower-class lifestyle? Devoid of horte cuisine and designer clothing and David Bowie music... Yet I had to put up with that filthy commoner with the big teeth! What did I ever do to deserve that! This is so unfair! I deserve so much more than a gold-digging, social-climbing whore who uses her sex appeal on any man who's able to improve her social status, in this case me! I can still hear her voice. 'IMPREGNATE ME NOW, CULTURE BOY!' That's what she used to scream at me, you know."
Paul and Kared nod sympathetically, douse Ben in petrol and set him on fire, throw him out of the window into the back of a truck full of primed mousetraps and barbed wire.
The truck drives off and as the singed and scorched remains of Ben try to claw out, the truck brakes suddenly. Ben is flung out the back onto the ground, and the truck slowly reverses over him.
At that moment, a large crow descends towards Ben and pecks his face before ripping into what's left of his skin. Within seconds, starlings, crows, thrushes and seagulls from all directions are pecking and screeching and tearing Ben to pieces.
Up on a nearby abandoned warehouse, Charles watches with pride at how well-trained his bird collection are. A sign nearby says CHARLES' HARPIES FROM THE GATES OF HELL BIRD ASSASSINATION SERVICE, AS RECOMMENDED BY ALFRED HITCHCOCK.
Finally, however, the birds have no energy left and leave the blood-splattered remains of Ben, which starts to regrow itself while waiting patiently for Charles and Jenna to run back to him and be all concerned and loving because he's so fundamentally lovable.
No one runs back for him, but he is run over three times by a Morris Minor. Finally Ben gets off his arse and leaves the road, deciding that evil aliens must be trying to kill him.
Ben heads for London on foot and gets hopelessly lost, mugged, raped, beaten, battered and kicked before finally ending up in 10 Downing Street - a tent atop a heap of rubble. Inside is Harriet Jones, playing croquet with her PAs. Literally, with her PAs. They make strange noises as she smacks their heads off and through metal hoops.
Ben arrives and tries to explain that none of this is real, but a computer simulated hell and actually he's really just loveable and any minute the Doctor will realize his life is pointless without a smooth-chested archaelogist at his side. 'Ah, sweet elitism,' he sighs nostalgically.
Harriet shoots Ben through the head. Not because she hates his guts or anything, she just tends to react like that, and then sends Touch Wood's Belgrano Device to blast Ben into smithereens.
Brightly, Harriet stabs another PA and uses their blood to write a note to President Bush saying that if he blames her for the recent terrorist incidents in Tel Aviv, he will find his forthcoming state visit to Britain HIGHLY reminiscent of JFK's visit to Dallas. Then, realizing she's being too subtle, scrunches up the note and writes, 'YOU MA BITCH, BUSH, OR YOU DIE! YOU DIE! AND YOU GO TO HELL!'
Since this isn't reality, Harriet uses her disturbing imagination and is transformed into a cold, thin, yellow-eyed reptile that just so happens to be identical to Margaret Thatcher.
The re-composing remanins of Ben Chatham look concerned.
5: I Wish This Was As Good As Love & Monsters
Ben respects his betters in society and since he was commanded to sod off by the Prime Minister herself, decided to leave before realizing
a) she's a woman
b) she's not even real, but a computer sprite
c) no one is superior to Chatham. Chatham is the Supreme Being of the Universe, the Sex God of Creation! Bow down continents! Bow down planets! Bow down stars! Bow down whole galaxies and praise CHATHAM, THE GREAT ALL-POWERFUL CHATHAM WITH THE FIRST FROM CAMBRIDGE......
...sorry, wandered off there.
His pitiful self-confidence restored, Ben begins a fully-choreographed rendition of China Girl in an attempt to seduce Harriet Jones. Unfortunately, he has reconstituted his physical form so many times 80% of his body is the illegal drugs he has been taken. Now COMPLETELY off his face, he explains that he has been declared Emperor of Britain by OHS and she must pleasure him day and night.
Harriet Jones finally notices Ben, mutters 'Are you still here?' and then buggers him violently with a switched-on chainsaw.
It takes a lot longer than normal for Ben to recover from that and decides that, logically, for Jones to have rejected giving him a shag she must be some sort of evil alien!
At this point a frozen block of urine from a passing jet drops onto Ben's skull, shattering it like an egg. Shedding a single tear and that single gallon of urine, Ben decides to return to the flat and wank himself into oblivion. It's much safer.
No sooner is he back at the flat then Charles and Jenna arrive. Ben cheerfully invites them to get into his pants, since he is so strong and sensitive only complete losers wouldn't fall in love with him.
Jenna smashes him over the head with a bottle she got from the wine shop while Charles nails Ben to the minimalist dining table and starts shoving stuff from from Guntons The Speciality Food Shops For Locals up Ben's hapless backside. Kylie's 'Can't Get You Out of My Head' plays in a suitable manner as Ben is stuffed like a Christmas Turkey.
Jenna empties a tin of Whiskers' cat food over Ben's genitals and then released to rabid tabby cats into the hotel. They attack Ben with slashing claws and slavering mouths but worst of all... WORST of all...
...is that Ben is actually ENJOYING the experience.
Disgusted, Charles starts shoving cotton wool down Ben's throat and pours TCP down his nose. But when Jenna rips a towel up to gag Ben, something goes wrong.
Because that wasn't just any old towel.
It was from Harrod's.
And Jenna damaging the towel Makes It Personal, in a way that it wasn't before.
"Alright, you cunts!" Ben screams, his flesh turning all geen and muscular. "You've repeated subjected me to the most humiliating and painful demises ever composed, but there's one mistake that was your downfall... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA JUST HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE THAT TOWEL WAS! YOU MAKE CHATHAM ANGRY! CHATHAM SMASSSH!!'
The Incredible Chav breaks free from his bonds, picks up Charles beats Jenna to death with him before crushing Charles' skull between his massive irradiated green hands.
The Incredible Chav smashes his way out of the flat and over to UNIT HQ and the Old Bailley which he then smashes to pieces. The next morning, Ben awakes covered in soot and clutching an iPod containing nothing but Philip Glass.
"Some sacrifices need to be made," he muses, before caressing the ash and mortar off of his smooth chest, his iron-wrought muscles gleaming in the sunshine of a new day.
Ben suddenly awakes to find himself nailed to the table being sodomized by a passing goat. Idly he asks if Jenna has realized how much she loves him and how she wants his body and desires to wake up beside him every morning for the rest of her useless life? Has she had the dream sequence with the Britney Spears music yet?
The door to the flat opens and Martin Kemp enters and wonders precisely why Ben is nailed to a table with tofu rammed up his arse when he should be trying to locate the evil Krak-Hoar? Doesn't he want those alien incontinence trousers?
The goat bites off an important part of Ben's anatomy and runs off. Ben whimpers and wonders what evil alien force is making all cats and dogs hunt him down and torture him. Kemp is more concerned by comparing travel time frequency tables between the USA and UK.
Ben whimpers and wets himself, making that very personal injury turn septic. Martin Kemp watches this, is quietly sick in the sink and walks out, calling his psycho-analyst for an emergency session.
Ben sets up an IV of shiraz and starts to regrow his reproductive organs and muses how it's lucky he has absolutely no social life or being an effective prisoner in his flat would really suck. In fact, it reminds him of when he was a small boy and his parents would lock him in the attic, set fire to the house and move to the South of France because they were pretending not to like him.
'Damn it! I have dark shadows in the past! Why won't anyone sleep with me? WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT?!?'
Ben desperately rings a phone sex line and instead gets Paul Farrady who has nothing better to do than talk dirty... at least until he finds out he's talking to Ben, whereupon he starts screaming, rips off his clothes, burns them and hide in the shower, sobbing hysterically.
Ben, nonplussed puts down the phone.
At that moment, the TARDIS arrives and the Doctor and Rose stagger out. The Doctor boasts that he and Rose have no memory of Ben whatsoever and they just had some kick ass adventures with Queen Victoria, some kung-fu months and a werewolf! Today, they're going to take on an entire army of Cybermen armed only with a mood crystal and a text message AND BEN CAN'T COME! HAR-HAR-HAH!
Ben demands to know how the Doctor can be so cruel when he claims not to remember who Ben is anyway...
...and the Doctor, Rose and the TARDIS vanish in a puff of logic.
Startled, Ben craps himself.
Ben realizes he is a useless, ugly piece of crap who has totally wasted his life and made everyone he met miserable with his self-centred, aristo-fetish hatred and he deserves every minute of this electrically-modulated hell.
He then decides that he might as well assassinate President Bush - if only to honor the memory of his towel.
6: Revelation (That The Author Has Absolutely No Recognizable Literary Skill Of Any Sort Whatsoever)
Ben realizes that it would take quite a bit of effort to assassinate Bush. He'd have to get out of the chair, arrange a flight to the US, research the movements of the President and his security arrangements, get some kind of rifle together, not to mention learn how to use one of the damn things and on top of that fire it correctly.
"This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to do all that?!"
Ben rings Martin Kemp and demands he do the assassination for him. He then rings Jenna and demands she wipe out Harriet Jones because she's an alien evil zombie bitch. He then rings UNIT and tells them to bomb the tent (which they are totally up for... until they realize it's Ben Chatham speaking and refuse to purely on principal).
In fact, Colonel Brixby-Hunt is so offended he goes to Harriet Jones and tells her of this outrage. Harriet reacts by ripping his throat out, proving once and for all... she is the genuine article.
Martin Kemp and his aliens arrive, believing erroneously that Harriet Jones is Krack-Hoar and open fire on her with massive bazookas, but no avail. Harriet Jones slaughters all of them and laughs insanely. Desperately, OHS carpet bombs London and thousands die with hilarious consequences that will be forgotten about next.
Harriet Jones, Jenna and Charles break into the flat and close in on the helpless Ben, who grabs a hasty bottle of Ocean Musk Aftershave which triggers totally mental insanity in those that inhale its fumes.
Desperately, Ben sprays the trio with it and they choke, gasp and retch, blood streaming from their ears, noses and mouths... Luckily, Ocean Musk also contains Sarin gas.
All the animals are dead and Charles and Jenna are left mindless lust zombies that crave Ben's body and nothing else. Harriet Jones has lost every brain cell and happily wants to meet George Bush because he's so clever and also plans to topple Nelson's Column and replace it with Chatham's Pillar. The British Empire will be named The Ben Chatham Dynasty and at this point Harriet loses the ability to speak and drools on Ben's hair.
Ben decides that he shall take Jenna as his bride to shut up his parents while screwing Charles on the side, as its perfectly acceptable for you to be gay as long as no one knows about it.
Charles happily slobbers over Ben.
Meanwhile, aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor and Martha Jones are jiving to Tom Lehrer's The Masochism Tango, when a lamp starts flashing. The Doctor realizes his spatio-temporal holding pen is malfunctioning, so he thumps the console until the lamp stops flashing and promptly forgets all about it.
In Hell, Charles suddenly picks up an empty bottle of absinthe and smashes it over Ben's head. As he falls, Charles kicks him in the balls and storms out.
Jenna, disgusted at how Ben planned to use her as a trophy wife to distract people from being gayer than John Edwards, empties a saucepan of boiling oil onto him, smashes his face with the saucepan, before picking him up and slamming him head-first into the wall.
Ben is left, alone, concussed, naked, with third degree burns, absinthe, mashed potatos and a saucepan imbedded in his skull, wondering if it was maybe something he said...?
The End
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