16 Doppelganger

The Ben Chatham Off Spin Misadventures:
The Dope Gang-Banger

1: Lazy Sunday

Still stuck in a godless void on the outer reaches of human misery - which looks just like Cambridge - a lonely Ben Chatham is thinking miserably about his adventure with Operation Helter-Skelter and how everyone committed suicide rather than fawn pathetically for him.

Now alone, without lesser beings for him to spit at, Ben spends his days slowly but surely masterbating himself to death with the nagging feeling that the upper class are shunning him.

As Ben continues to dehydrate as Bowie's 'Heathen' album plays, he muses how all the sex and booze he has had of late has exhausted him past the point of total collapse. Idly he wonders if this unreal hell contains someone he shagged several years ago who has just dropped dead in a brutal occult murder.

At that moment a psychotic postman drops through the glass ceiling, does a tumble roll, draws two submachine guns and opens fire on Ben and then runs off screaming.

Tragically, Ben's expensive silk dressing gown has saved his life since it is now unaccountably stiff and crinkly. Ben notes that the postman has left behind a parcel marked VERY HARD DRUGS which he immediately rips open with his teeth.

Ben believes his recent suicidal depression can be cured by adding cocaine to boring old absinthe to make Sparacus Martinis, which won't cure the black outs and bad temper but simply make them irrelevant and allow them to move on.

Tragically, the parcel contains no drugs but a Brighton Peer Kiss Me Quick hat.

Ben is surprised and immediately fouls himself. Putting on the hat he finds a note from Jenna Stannis, smuggling space babe of the stars who, in sixth form in a Dorset college, beat him with a length of chain, crucified him and lowered him slowly into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Obviously, she was just playing hard to get because no sane person COULDN'T love Ben. Apart from, you know, letting Steve Best die and such, but that would just be picky.

(As for how Ben survived that impossible situation, we shall never find out, but presumably it's the same way Captain Jack gets out of these situations. Only not as romantic.)

Ben injects himself with morphine and decides, based on statistical probability that this Kiss Me Quick hat has been buried for hundreds of years and was unearthed by construction workers building a new ICT wing's foundations.

The thought of all those sweaty muscly men makes Ben rush to the bathroom. Eventually he staggers out, even more dehydrated and decides to throw the hat in the bin as it is uncouth vulgar and reminds him how few snogs he's got lately.

As he makes himself a hit of heroin, Ben decides his archaeological expertise (not that he can spell that) is probably needed by Jenna. After all, who wouldn't want him to gatecrash their pathetic little lives as they spin uselessly in the void?

For example, he could burst in on Sir Professor Archibald Broxby and steal his collection of illegal French lithographs! Yeah, and he can say that the Kiss Me Quick hat is, in fact, an ancient warrior design unknown to human science! A new society called... The Chathams!

So excited, Ben rushes back into the bathroom. Then he rushes out, grabs a tube of peppermint shower gel and runs back inside.

Finally, Ben regains enough body moisture to leave his room and wanders through King's College, noting all the decomposing corpses of those who took their own lives rather than spend time with him. He stops by the chapel and scratches 'BEN IZ GRATE!' across the stained glass image of the Sermon on the Mount.

Ben kicks down the Professor's door and meets an ugly bald fat man in his late fifties with no arms and a dribbling problem.

This is Charles Broxby, who Ben immediately falls in love with.

Charles makes a series of strange donkey-like noises which translate as 'Hi. Are you looking for my father? He's delivering a lecture at the moment but you can come in and wait. I'm Charles Broxby visiting my father Sir Professor Archibald Broxby. I'm a painter. And a sculpter. I have recently been exhibiting some of my work in the college's art department gallery - to encourage the undergraduates to improve their own, poor limited efforts.'

Ben makes his own donkey-noises, and the phrase 'cunnilingus' is used. Attracted to the same mindless zealotry as Charles, Ben modestly claims he knows the entire history of humanity front-to-back, he offers the Kiss Me Quick Hat as proof of his theories that the Chatham clan are the master race that truly deserve to rule the Earth.

Charles drools some more and admits he can't explain why his trousers are suddenly so tight.

Meanwhile, Professor Broxby dives in through the window, starts a petrol fire, pisses on the cat and headbuts the sofa before realizing this is HIS apartment and not the Dean's. Annoyed, Broxby produces a fire extinguisher and wishes idly for an ex-Corrie star to wander in for some good old fashioned quicklime-under-the fingernails.

Ben, showing surprising intelligence, stays quiet and considers maybe his 'made in Taiwan' archaeological find may not be genuine.

He throws this in Broxby's face, steals his stash and runs out of the room and heads straight for the local pub the Swan. Only to discover it is barred with the words 'CHAVS ONLY' in large, friendly letters.

Charles follows and, via interprative dance, offers to take Ben out on a date with lots of booze, absinthe and naked girls.

Overcome by heterophobia and that speed he took earlier, Ben loses control of his bladder and runs off whimpering sadly. Charles watches him go and then falls over.

Ben then falls into a bear trap which rips off his left foot. As he hops around, bleeding Upper Class blood, Jenna Stannis appears and fires a gun at him repeatedly until he collapses. Ben, coughing up blood, insists Jenna is hiding from her true feelings and has always secretly found him attractive.

Jenna stares at him for a long moment, then smashes a milk bottle and rams the jagged end into Ben's skull.

However, at this point, Broxby wanders by and wonders why a nice girl like Jenna is removing a crippled and dying man's teeth with her boot? Ben whimpers, realizing Broxby has forgotten who he is.

Upon realizing Ben Chatham's identity, Broxby happily joins in.

Later that day, the remains of Ben - his chest, and a few strings of meat - creep into the flat and plans a healthy, non-Chav vegitarian meal of tinned tomatoes, beer and cocaine.

Ben then realizes his mutilated skull is still downstairs and crawls back to reattach it, leaving a trail of blood as it goes. As we see this, Marc Almond's 'Stories of Johnny' appropriately plays in the background.

As Ben reattaches his head, Charles arrives and farts in Morse Code that Broxby has been brutally torn limb from limb!

However, Charles is just a bit confused and is actually talking about Ben Chatham. He throws the Kiss Me Quick hat on Ben and wanders off, making a strange clucking noise as he does so.


2: The Evils that Badgers Do

Anyway, moving on. Ben regrows his body or something and decides to kill Sir Professor Broxby. He bursts into the apartment and tries to stab Broxby to death with some nice scissors.

Horrified at this pathetic attempt, Broxby shows how a REAL man kills and thus breaks every bone in his body, cuts open his stomach, pulls out his internal organs and snaps his own neck.

Ben watches, feeling ridiculously inadequate. Then he wets himself.

Returning home, Ben kidnaps Charles, ties him and forces a funnel into his mouth and pours brandy down it. He then tries to look all cool and intelligent in the Kiss Me Quick hat, but no one is fooled.

Ben vows the very next thing he will do is create the English Archaeolohical Preservation Trust and threaten the builders with legal action and threaten to fire all of Charles' friends.

For some reason, this doesn't make Charles want to sleep with Ben.

Ben, annoyed, hollows out a French loaf and has sex with it.

After a night gagged and bound on Ben's couch forced to listen to 'Tin Machine' over and over and over again, Charles is driven to the brink of insanity. Ben ties him to the roof rack of a car, steals the car and decides to find Jenna and run her over.

He considers using his contacts in Operation Helter Skelter and then remembers they all committed suicide en masse and, distracted, ram raids a Chinese Takeaway and slaughters an innocent family of asylum seekers eating chips.

Ben gets out of the car and flees the crime scene, leaving Charles tied to the roof and screaming for help.

5 months later, Ben remembers what he was intending to do and, after putting on some less-stained trousers, hurries to the local planning department where that horrible woman from Little Britain taps at a computer. She is unimpressed at his claims of a Kiss Me Quick hat, or Ben Chatham's claims that he is a member of the English Archaeological Trust, he has a CD collection and this means YOU DO NOT FUCKING SHIT WITH HIM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?

The computer says no.

Ben leaves the planning department, mopping blood from his hands before a plague of cockroaches appears and consumes the corpse of the pedantic, politically correct jobsworth dullard he brutally murdered. Ben wonders just where all the cockroaches are coming from and just why they all resemble Billie Piper, and realizing the marijuana gin he's been developing is finally starting to work.

Left at the car crash, Charles has starved himself thin enough to escape his bonds and teams up with Jenna to brutally murder Ben. He has been stuck listening to a perpetually looped cassette of Tchaikovsky's 'Pathetique' Symphony and he wants to kill someone very badly.

Ben can't be arsed walking back to the flat and hails a taxi to take him to the construction sight. He rips out the cabbie's tongue when he asks to be paid, and then tells all the workers the job has finished, they are unemployed and must become his bitches!

The Principal, Martin Kemp, arrives, rips off Ben's shirt and throws him into a pit. Three people with huge amounts of latex on their foreheads arrive and order the bulldozer to shove earth into the pit. That should scare off the interfering human.

Unfortunately, Ben puts down the rain of dirt as another drug-induced hallucination and stays exactly where he is until he is buried alive...


3: Constipation of Terror

Martin Kemp and the aliens wait patiently for the terrified Ben to break out of the soil and claw his way to safety.

After three days they realize Ben isn't going to climb out of there and they are going to be forced to dig the stupid bastard up. Martin Kemp points out that Ben Chatham has the lowest human IQ they have ever encountered - who better to be their play thing? No other human being is slow-witted enough for them to bury under twenty tons of dirt.

After two working days on minimum pay, Ben is excavated and found to be catatonic. This is due to his overdosing of drugs and is fortunate because not only has it totally stabilized his condition and allowed him to survive without food, water or oxygen, it also means he does not have the mental capacity to do anything when he is dug up by aliens who now take over Cambridge.

However, the sight of them makes him wet himself. Again.

Jenna and Charles arrive, intending to scrape out Ben's excuse of a brain with a coat hanger and use his optic nerves as dental floss, but the aliens insist they can use Ben for their not-at-all-piss-weak-evil plans. Jenna, incredibly frustrated, demands to be allowed to shoot the bastard's knee caps while Charles strokes Ben's armpit hair before ripping it out.

This curiously gets through Ben's catatonia, and he reacts with fury. "How dare you?! I have a first from Cambridge! You don't respect me, do you?"

Jenna rips off Ben's testicles, rams them down his throat and tries to choke him to death.

The aliens make only the feeblest of attempts to stop this which mainly takes the form of chanting, 'Uggi-uggi-uggi! OI! OI! OI!'

Tragically, this is not reality and Ben survives more or less unharmed. The aliens decide to get on with the for what shall hereafter be referred to (albeit inaccurately) as the plot. These aliens, lead by Martin Kemp, are Zentar Zanons from the Zenton Empire of Zoton-Zoto in the Zaurus Galaxy - the aliens are Zed, Zeebon, Zuli, Zim and Zaniel, also known as Zani, and Zobos.

"'Zat 'zo?" quips Ben and immediately has his intestines violently removed via his anus.

Martin Kemp explains that a million billion zillion quintillion Earth years ago, a tyrant known only as Krack-Hoar allowed a game of badmington to get wildly out of control and into a genocidal war which wiped out every living thing not beginning with the letter Z. Krack-Hoar got bored and left for a wet weekend in Cardiff and never came back. After a few games of Monopoly, the Zentar Zanons have gone stir crazy and want to hunt down Krack-Hoar and treat her the way all non-Zeds (or Ch'Avvs) must be dealt with.

Ben points out that after a million billion zillion quintillion Earth years, Krack-Hoar's probably dead and, anyway, this isn't reality but a hell the Doctor hurled Ben Chatham into after mentioning his first at Cambridge one time too many.

Annoyed, Charles snaps Ben's neck. Ben survives, proving his point that this is not reality.

The irony of the situation makes everyone laugh for 35 seconds straight.

Martin Kemp gets down to business and explains he is willing to make a straight deal with Ben Chatham - they will use their near magical powers to cure his embarassing bladder problems. However, when pressed, all they have is a new pair of rubber trousers. Proving himself too stupid to live, Ben happily accepts this and, after ironing-on a cartoon worm marked CHAV BAIT onto the front, he agrees to help the plathetic aliens who boast their own computer - Zorac! Actually, it's ORAC, not Zorac, but Jenna can't be arsed to correct the aliens. She can, however, be arsed to snap both of Ben's forearms.

The Zentar Zanons suspect Krack-Hoar has killed and replaced someone in authority - SERIOUS authority not the pathetic tangle of delusions and snobbery that Ben counts as authority - to become a paranoid, mindless psychopath bent on destruction yet simultaneously unable to string two words together. However, all this evidence points to Krack-Hoar being Ben Chatham!

The group beat the living shit out of him.


4: Pissed and Lying

Ben finally convinces everyone he is not a crack-whore, which is funny because he really is a sex-addled junkie. As the aliens struggle to think of someone else Krack-Hoar could be possessing, Ben limps home, regrowing a few limbs and the more important internal organs before covering himself in hummus and Greek salad and waiting for Charles to drop by and roughly seduce him.

However, he doesn't turn up and Bowie's 'Heroes' album has played sixty-seven times and Ben is wasted on chardonnay, insisting that the entire universe is just playing hard to get and they all really love him, really.

Ben decides, for want of something to do, he will seduce Prime Minister Harriet 'Hellfire' Jones. Why not?

Ben thinks about this for roughly 94 seconds and decides not to run before he can walk and so will seduce George Bush first - after all, the American President IS the only person in the created omniverse who does not pose an intellectual threat to Ben Chatham.

Jenna throws a bowling ball through the window and empties a bucket of toxic waste on the Greek salad, pointing out that although Bush can't string a logical sentence together and also looks like an inbred muppet, he's still more likable and sexually attractive than Ben.

Ben puts his fingers in his ears and warbles 'Lahlahalah! I can't HEAR you! Lahlahlalahlaha...' before Charles arrives and injects a hypodermic full of lemon juice into Ben's left eye.

Three hours later, Ben stops screaming and loses conscious - and bowel control, naturally - and awakes, sticky and stinging the next morning. At that moment, Paul Farrady and Ken from Operation Helter-Skelter arrive, brought back to life by the ADD affecting this fake reality.

Ben joyously welcomes them and asks them if they think he's sexy and then goes on to tell them about how his life has turned to madman's shit ever since he met Rose the Clingy Chav who saw him as a pathway to a better life rather than as a person.

"I had books, went to public school, Oxford and represents a better life than anyone who works in retail or lives in a flat, so OF COURSE she was mesmirized by me. Yes. Tragic, isn't it when people live a lower-class lifestyle? Devoid of horte cuisine and designer clothing and David Bowie music... Yet I had to put up with that filthy commoner with the big teeth! What did I ever do to deserve that! This is so unfair! I deserve so much more than a gold-digging, social-climbing whore who uses her sex appeal on any man who's able to improve her social status, in this case me! I can still hear her voice. 'IMPREGNATE ME NOW, CULTURE BOY!' That's what she used to scream at me, you know."

Paul and Kared nod sympathetically, douse Ben in petrol and set him on fire, throw him out of the window into the back of a truck full of primed mousetraps and barbed wire.

The truck drives off and as the singed and scorched remains of Ben try to claw out, the truck brakes suddenly. Ben is flung out the back onto the ground, and the truck slowly reverses over him.

At that moment, a large crow descends towards Ben and pecks his face before ripping into what's left of his skin. Within seconds, starlings, crows, thrushes and seagulls from all directions are pecking and screeching and tearing Ben to pieces.

Up on a nearby abandoned warehouse, Charles watches with pride at how well-trained his bird collection are. A sign nearby says CHARLES' HARPIES FROM THE GATES OF HELL BIRD ASSASSINATION SERVICE, AS RECOMMENDED BY ALFRED HITCHCOCK.

Finally, however, the birds have no energy left and leave the blood-splattered remains of Ben, which starts to regrow itself while waiting patiently for Charles and Jenna to run back to him and be all concerned and loving because he's so fundamentally lovable.

No one runs back for him, but he is run over three times by a Morris Minor. Finally Ben gets off his arse and leaves the road, deciding that evil aliens must be trying to kill him.

Ben heads for London on foot and gets hopelessly lost, mugged, raped, beaten, battered and kicked before finally ending up in 10 Downing Street - a tent atop a heap of rubble. Inside is Harriet Jones, playing croquet with her PAs. Literally, with her PAs. They make strange noises as she smacks their heads off and through metal hoops.

Ben arrives and tries to explain that none of this is real, but a computer simulated hell and actually he's really just loveable and any minute the Doctor will realize his life is pointless without a smooth-chested archaelogist at his side. 'Ah, sweet elitism,' he sighs nostalgically.

Harriet shoots Ben through the head. Not because she hates his guts or anything, she just tends to react like that, and then sends Touch Wood's Belgrano Device to blast Ben into smithereens.

Brightly, Harriet stabs another PA and uses their blood to write a note to President Bush saying that if he blames her for the recent terrorist incidents in Tel Aviv, he will find his forthcoming state visit to Britain HIGHLY reminiscent of JFK's visit to Dallas. Then, realizing she's being too subtle, scrunches up the note and writes, 'YOU MA BITCH, BUSH, OR YOU DIE! YOU DIE! AND YOU GO TO HELL!'

Since this isn't reality, Harriet uses her disturbing imagination and is transformed into a cold, thin, yellow-eyed reptile that just so happens to be identical to Margaret Thatcher.

The re-composing remanins of Ben Chatham look concerned.


5: I Wish This Was As Good As Love & Monsters

Ben respects his betters in society and since he was commanded to sod off by the Prime Minister herself, decided to leave before realizing
a) she's a woman
b) she's not even real, but a computer sprite
c) no one is superior to Chatham. Chatham is the Supreme Being of the Universe, the Sex God of Creation! Bow down continents! Bow down planets! Bow down stars! Bow down whole galaxies and praise CHATHAM, THE GREAT ALL-POWERFUL CHATHAM WITH THE FIRST FROM CAMBRIDGE......

...sorry, wandered off there.

His pitiful self-confidence restored, Ben begins a fully-choreographed rendition of China Girl in an attempt to seduce Harriet Jones. Unfortunately, he has reconstituted his physical form so many times 80% of his body is the illegal drugs he has been taken. Now COMPLETELY off his face, he explains that he has been declared Emperor of Britain by OHS and she must pleasure him day and night.

Harriet Jones finally notices Ben, mutters 'Are you still here?' and then buggers him violently with a switched-on chainsaw.

It takes a lot longer than normal for Ben to recover from that and decides that, logically, for Jones to have rejected giving him a shag she must be some sort of evil alien!

At this point a frozen block of urine from a passing jet drops onto Ben's skull, shattering it like an egg. Shedding a single tear and that single gallon of urine, Ben decides to return to the flat and wank himself into oblivion. It's much safer.

No sooner is he back at the flat then Charles and Jenna arrive. Ben cheerfully invites them to get into his pants, since he is so strong and sensitive only complete losers wouldn't fall in love with him.

Jenna smashes him over the head with a bottle she got from the wine shop while Charles nails Ben to the minimalist dining table and starts shoving stuff from from Guntons The Speciality Food Shops For Locals up Ben's hapless backside. Kylie's 'Can't Get You Out of My Head' plays in a suitable manner as Ben is stuffed like a Christmas Turkey.

Jenna empties a tin of Whiskers' cat food over Ben's genitals and then released to rabid tabby cats into the hotel. They attack Ben with slashing claws and slavering mouths but worst of all... WORST of all...

...is that Ben is actually ENJOYING the experience.

Disgusted, Charles starts shoving cotton wool down Ben's throat and pours TCP down his nose. But when Jenna rips a towel up to gag Ben, something goes wrong.

Because that wasn't just any old towel.

It was from Harrod's.

And Jenna damaging the towel Makes It Personal, in a way that it wasn't before.

"Alright, you cunts!" Ben screams, his flesh turning all geen and muscular. "You've repeated subjected me to the most humiliating and painful demises ever composed, but there's one mistake that was your downfall... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA JUST HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE THAT TOWEL WAS! YOU MAKE CHATHAM ANGRY! CHATHAM SMASSSH!!'

The Incredible Chav breaks free from his bonds, picks up Charles beats Jenna to death with him before crushing Charles' skull between his massive irradiated green hands.

The Incredible Chav smashes his way out of the flat and over to UNIT HQ and the Old Bailley which he then smashes to pieces. The next morning, Ben awakes covered in soot and clutching an iPod containing nothing but Philip Glass.

"Some sacrifices need to be made," he muses, before caressing the ash and mortar off of his smooth chest, his iron-wrought muscles gleaming in the sunshine of a new day.

Ben suddenly awakes to find himself nailed to the table being sodomized by a passing goat. Idly he asks if Jenna has realized how much she loves him and how she wants his body and desires to wake up beside him every morning for the rest of her useless life? Has she had the dream sequence with the Britney Spears music yet?

The door to the flat opens and Martin Kemp enters and wonders precisely why Ben is nailed to a table with tofu rammed up his arse when he should be trying to locate the evil Krak-Hoar? Doesn't he want those alien incontinence trousers?

The goat bites off an important part of Ben's anatomy and runs off. Ben whimpers and wonders what evil alien force is making all cats and dogs hunt him down and torture him. Kemp is more concerned by comparing travel time frequency tables between the USA and UK.

Ben whimpers and wets himself, making that very personal injury turn septic. Martin Kemp watches this, is quietly sick in the sink and walks out, calling his psycho-analyst for an emergency session.

Ben sets up an IV of shiraz and starts to regrow his reproductive organs and muses how it's lucky he has absolutely no social life or being an effective prisoner in his flat would really suck. In fact, it reminds him of when he was a small boy and his parents would lock him in the attic, set fire to the house and move to the South of France because they were pretending not to like him.

'Damn it! I have dark shadows in the past! Why won't anyone sleep with me? WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT?!?'

Ben desperately rings a phone sex line and instead gets Paul Farrady who has nothing better to do than talk dirty... at least until he finds out he's talking to Ben, whereupon he starts screaming, rips off his clothes, burns them and hide in the shower, sobbing hysterically.

Ben, nonplussed puts down the phone.

At that moment, the TARDIS arrives and the Doctor and Rose stagger out. The Doctor boasts that he and Rose have no memory of Ben whatsoever and they just had some kick ass adventures with Queen Victoria, some kung-fu months and a werewolf! Today, they're going to take on an entire army of Cybermen armed only with a mood crystal and a text message AND BEN CAN'T COME! HAR-HAR-HAH!

Ben demands to know how the Doctor can be so cruel when he claims not to remember who Ben is anyway...

...and the Doctor, Rose and the TARDIS vanish in a puff of logic.

Startled, Ben craps himself.

Ben realizes he is a useless, ugly piece of crap who has totally wasted his life and made everyone he met miserable with his self-centred, aristo-fetish hatred and he deserves every minute of this electrically-modulated hell.

He then decides that he might as well assassinate President Bush - if only to honor the memory of his towel.


6: Revelation (That The Author Has Absolutely No Recognizable Literary Skill Of Any Sort Whatsoever)

Ben realizes that it would take quite a bit of effort to assassinate Bush. He'd have to get out of the chair, arrange a flight to the US, research the movements of the President and his security arrangements, get some kind of rifle together, not to mention learn how to use one of the damn things and on top of that fire it correctly.

"This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to do all that?!"

Ben rings Martin Kemp and demands he do the assassination for him. He then rings Jenna and demands she wipe out Harriet Jones because she's an alien evil zombie bitch. He then rings UNIT and tells them to bomb the tent (which they are totally up for... until they realize it's Ben Chatham speaking and refuse to purely on principal).

In fact, Colonel Brixby-Hunt is so offended he goes to Harriet Jones and tells her of this outrage. Harriet reacts by ripping his throat out, proving once and for all... she is the genuine article.

Martin Kemp and his aliens arrive, believing erroneously that Harriet Jones is Krack-Hoar and open fire on her with massive bazookas, but no avail. Harriet Jones slaughters all of them and laughs insanely. Desperately, OHS carpet bombs London and thousands die with hilarious consequences that will be forgotten about next.

Harriet Jones, Jenna and Charles break into the flat and close in on the helpless Ben, who grabs a hasty bottle of Ocean Musk Aftershave which triggers totally mental insanity in those that inhale its fumes.

Desperately, Ben sprays the trio with it and they choke, gasp and retch, blood streaming from their ears, noses and mouths... Luckily, Ocean Musk also contains Sarin gas.

All the animals are dead and Charles and Jenna are left mindless lust zombies that crave Ben's body and nothing else. Harriet Jones has lost every brain cell and happily wants to meet George Bush because he's so clever and also plans to topple Nelson's Column and replace it with Chatham's Pillar. The British Empire will be named The Ben Chatham Dynasty and at this point Harriet loses the ability to speak and drools on Ben's hair.

Ben decides that he shall take Jenna as his bride to shut up his parents while screwing Charles on the side, as its perfectly acceptable for you to be gay as long as no one knows about it.

Charles happily slobbers over Ben.

Meanwhile, aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor and Martha Jones are jiving to Tom Lehrer's The Masochism Tango, when a lamp starts flashing. The Doctor realizes his spatio-temporal holding pen is malfunctioning, so he thumps the console until the lamp stops flashing and promptly forgets all about it.

In Hell, Charles suddenly picks up an empty bottle of absinthe and smashes it over Ben's head. As he falls, Charles kicks him in the balls and storms out.

Jenna, disgusted at how Ben planned to use her as a trophy wife to distract people from being gayer than John Edwards, empties a saucepan of boiling oil onto him, smashes his face with the saucepan, before picking him up and slamming him head-first into the wall.

Ben is left, alone, concussed, naked, with third degree burns, absinthe, mashed potatos and a saucepan imbedded in his skull, wondering if it was maybe something he said...?

The End