14 The Shadows of Christmas

The New Seekers of Michaelmas

Michaelmas in the ethnographic future, and some selfish little yuppie has dressed himself as a down and out and is staggering down the street asking evening shoppers and carol singers for money. These non-speaking extras are wise to the yuppie's primitive con trick and recommend he duck into Fatal Death Alley for his charity.

Proving he is too stupid to live, the yuppie does enter this dingy side street where no less than seventeen prostitutes and four thousand six hundred and twenty two genuine tramps have met brutal, torturous deaths at the hand of some merciless force outside human perception.

This information is held by a gold memorial plaque on the wall, put up by the most recent victim.

The yuppie reads this information, yawns, and tries to bum a cigarette off the nearby corpse.

The yuppie discovers he only has cigarette buts and wonders if he can trick someone into paying cash for them as 'magic beans'. Thankfully a strange alien force resembling the New Seekers attack the yuppie and put him out of our misery.

Before he can ask for some change, the yuppie passes out. FOREVER!

Meanwhile, you might remember in our last story amateur archaeologist, nudist and practicing disciple of Satan Ben Chatham accidentally wiped out the entirety of human history. In typical republican style, the next episode reveals that this never happened.

We rejoin the adventures of Ben Chatham, Rose Tyler, Adam Mitchell and Captain Jack Harkness. Oh, and Doctor Who, but he's strapped to a chair, foaming at the mouth and screaming about guinea pigs being evil.

Adam and Jack announce that they love each other and have decided to end their travels in time and space to set up a bed and breakfast and/or massage parlor in Cardiff called Touch Wood. Rose idly tells them to get going, they are distracting her from Ben's smooth, muscular chest and luscious, gleaming skin.

Adam and Jack sigh. This is exactly the sort of attitude that drove them out of the TARDIS, which stands near the block of flats where the late Jackie's council flat was. Actually, Jackie's not dead yet, but Rose and Ben plan to sacrifice her to blood god Baal before noon.

As they approach the flat and get the goat's blood ready, a black woman appears and starts hurling abuse at Rose for breaking Mickey's heart. She then scowls at Ben, introducing herself as Sheena Smith, Mickey's sister.

Rose and Ben are baffled. Mickey is an only child! And they haven't bothered to look at him for over two years local time, and it seems the hithertoo unmentioned sister of Mickey has taken her sweet time to get over this rejection.

Ultimately putting Sheena's temper down to her 'unfortunate skin colour and social status' as no one with intelligence could possible act so abusive, could they?

Ben and Rose wander off just as the Doctor breaks free of his bonds and runs out of the TARDIS, grinning and clutching a bowie knife. He demands Sheena reveal any guinea pigs she is hiding. For the guinea pigs are evil AND MUST DIE!!!

Sheena helpfully points the Doctor in the direction of the local pet shop, situated conveniently between the local community centre and the pub. She also mentions that a strange religious group "Diabolists Anonymous" have been recruiting disaffected young men, including the heartbroken Mickey.

The Doctor snorts with laughter. Which rapidly becomes hysterical. "ANOTHER evil pagan group of young men! No girls! And I bet they're using alien technology as well! Aliens and pagan rituals! Following me through time and space like herpes! HERPES FROM THE DAWN OF TIME!"

The Doctor collapses, giggling.

Rose and Ben are immediately... concerned. They love alien pagan cults and immediately want to sign up. Sheena helpfully explains that the spiritual leader of DA are the New Seekers, doing something of a comeback tour. Their representative in Cardiff is a man named... well, no one's sure. But he probably has a name.

Rose is worried that Mickey has been drawn into an exploitative cult and thus has gained some placebo of happiness – and that must be stopped. Despite all that has happened between her and Mickey, Rose knows that if Mickey ever experiences happiness his evil side Mickus the Turk will overwhelm him. Plus the fact she hates his guts and generally wants him to be miserable.

Ben suggests they sacrifice Jackie THEN pay a visit to the man with a name representing DA. The Doctor, foaming at the mouth, points out that he has a FREAKING TIME MACHINE and they can kill her whenever they choose! There's only so much plot for a Christmas special to go round!

Luckily, they have – YET AGAIN! – bumped into a person to explain the plot for them and prevent any tedious detective work, intuition or lucky guesses. The Doctor hopes that if they stand still long enough, the bad guys will arrive and turn up and explain their plans.

Thus they stand exactly where they are. After two minutes, they see two more blokes stagger into view from getting wasted in the pub and duck into Fatal Death Alley which is conveniently situated just behind the Powell Estate. As they are working class, they have no idea of toilets and decide to "go for a slash".

Rose points out that there are nine male characters and only two female ones (three if you count unseen Jackie), and this is only the first few minutes. The Doctor points out that at least this means no attractive girls die horrible deaths.

On cue, the working class oiks start screaming. The New Seekers have struck again! There are two wizened bodies, amongst several thousand OTHER wizened bodies, all drained of moisture.

The Doctor shrugs and puts this down to some sort of urinary tract infection and suggests that if humanity couldn't be arsed to do something after the first corpse, why should he after the four thousand six hundred and forty-first?

Instead, he fire bombs the pet shop. "BURN GUINEA PIGS! BURN!!" the Doctor shouts as Rose and Ben drop into the local community college and start inviting people to visit the ritualistic slaughter of Jackie. As most of her old (male) friends have forgotten who she is, Rose takes offence and earmarks them for sacrifice as well.

Ben agrees, noting the horrible chav-style decorations that litter this den of iniquity Rose calls home. The Doctor enters and asks a group of rough-looking lads with biceps around the pool table if they know about any guinea pigs that need killing?

Rose meanwhile is shocked to find another female character – Sadie! – who quickly fulfills a plot function and sods off never to be seen again. That plot function was to point to a smart-looking man in dark shades (unlike light shades) standing right in front of Rose.

This man is the man with a name and so Rose takes the subtle approach and knees him in the bollocks, demands to know what happened to Mickey and then asks if the cult convenes on Tuesdays or simply waits for the seventh day of the seventh month shite?

In a falsetto, the man with a name squeaks that Mickey has discovered the power of prayer and the inner strength of unleashing the New Seekers' latest album.

The Doctor hears this and isn't just concerned, he's WORRIED! He believes a man with a name who never speaks it is clearly suspicious, before laughing like a maniac about wacky pagan aliens. Again!

Rose is also suspicious. Surely any decent religious sect wouldn't allow niggers into it? And Mickey's earlier attempts to "unleash his inner strength" normally occur at the local ninjitsu school, brothels and sometimes both.

The man with a name gives Rose a leaflet about DA and its retreat in South Cardiff and then crosses to the rough-looking lads at the pool table and screams at the top of his voice: "GET THEM!"

The lads look confused.

"We may have a problem. We may need to eliminate it!" the man with a name explains patiently. "Honestly, you hired thugs don't need to know all the ins and outs, do you? God, why did I ever let you unionize yourself! Do you need an excuse to commit foul, bloody murder?"

It turns out the rough-looking lads are just average working-class thugs and not the ruthless desperadoes employed by DA. They're at the dart board. The man with a name rushes over and shouts "GET THEM!"

Outside, Rose, Ben and the Doctor hear a scream as they see the New Seekers scurry out of Fatal Death Alley, and think nothing of it.

Rose suddenly pushes her face against Ben's smooth white neck to feel the strength of his toned body. Apparently supernatural murders are her big turn on and the Doctor sighs and taps his foot impatiently.

He then notices the man with no name staring at him, then walking straight into a bin. His sinister male youths help him up and tell him not to wear shades at night, it's just stupid.

The Doctor wanders back to the TARDIS, determined to find the mysterious planet GP (either Gauda Prime or Guinea Pig) and nuke it with the Hand of Omega.

Ben feels more inclined to use the time and relative dimension in space machine to travel to another part of Cardiff! And investigate whether DA is worth joining or not. Ben points out that the corpses are drained of all fluids and it's either some bladder problem or a non human force.

The Doctor rolls his eyes. "Yeah, because HUMAN forces are usually able to drain corpses of all fluids. OF COURSE IT'S AN ALIEN! It's always an alien! It's never anything else, is it?"

Ben insists they must meet the mysterious New Seekers, as the man with a name's behavior suggested that there was some connection with him and his group.

"Yes. He's their leader. They are his followers. If there wasn't a connection, I would be surprised!" the Doctor screams, but Rose puts this down to his 'witty quips' and ignores him.

The Doctor decides to text UNIT about the DA society. He texts Adam and Jack at Touch Wood about the DA society. He does NOT text the PM about the DA society as he's a wild, wide-eyed Time Lord loner of the recession and hates the PM.

Ben isn't happy and wants to do some sacrificial pagan ceremonies, pointing out that the authorities have probably already noticed and are investigating. Manfully, he takes his shirt off and mentions they also have a duty to make Mickey's life a misery.

Rose agrees, snuggling up to Ben and drinking every word.

Finally, it becomes all too much like hard work arguing and the Doctor sends the TARDIS to the Langnoc Grange, twenty miles from the village of Pontidyffed where the only gay man is a confused chap named Daffyd. The TARDIS crew remark on how convenient that this religious cult are set up in the only suspiciously remote part of Wales left.

The DA society is set in a large country house surrounded by rough, gritty Northern moorland. In the crisp and dreamlike snow. Rose declines to put on a jumper so she has an excuse to snuggle into Ben's warm arms. As you do.

As this is a sixty-minute episode, the TARDIS arrives far from the house and is padded out as the trio walk up to the door. The Doctor rings the bell and tense, stomach-churning moments later... it is ANSWERED!! Yes! Answered! Are you wracked with terror yet?

A man answers the door (Wow! Shock!) and after exchanging some banter with the Doctor that is either witty or annoying, probably annoying is more likely, Ben and Rose charge into the house and complain about the poor security of an alien cult with such weak guards.

Luckily, the rest of the cast are upstairs lead by The New Seekers. Who are all men. Yeah, that DID surprise me. Maybe one's a transvestite?

Ben introduces himself as Grand Overlord of the Brotherhood of Saint Mackavany the Usurper and the Doctor and Rose are his kinky acolytes. In order to appear menacing, Ben starts using the phrase "OF DEATH!!" in every other sentence.

The New Seekers explain that this is a place of spiritual retreat and that newcomers are not welcome uninvited because, even though they are a cult recruiting from the dregs of the Powell Estate, their standards are obviously too high for the TARDIS Crew to meet.

After three years of TARDIS travel, Rose knows that shouting a lot and revealing your true intentions ALWAYS works. She screams that they are here for Mickey and, wouldn't you know it, Mickey instantly stands up and tells her he no longer finds her attractive. In fact, no one, male or female is attractive – bar Adam Rickitt.

Yes, Diabolists Anonymous worship Adam Rickitt!

So, it's a bit of a stretch to see a cult not notice Ben Chatham's uncanny resemblance to their Holy Leader.

Ben and Rose agree DA is too stupid and stride out to murder a goat in the cold, misty, snow-covered night. The Doctor tries to offer himself as a New Holy Leader, and is immediately kicked by several 'heavies'. Who are men, obviously.

The Doctor is rather put out. All his hopes of strange alien Satanists and it's just an Adam Rickitt fan club. Mickey blanking the woman that toyed with his emotions for the past four years doesn't actually add up to an alien conspiracy. Which is rather unusual.

More to shut him up than anything else, Rose suddenly claims she can sense that she are being followed!

Unfortunately, it turns out she is utterly correct in this instance. The New Seekers are floating down out of the pitch black sky towards the trio. Who run, ambulating as fast as the local gravity can allow towards a convenient spinney of trees in a nearby field grown just in case of such sub-natural circumstances.

Rose begins to panic at the thought of having her fluids sucked out by the New Seekers and Ben tries to calm her down by suggesting that, if they survive, they'll shag in Paris. Surprisingly, this doesn't calm Rose down. Hell, how could it calm ANYONE down?

The Doctor points out that as they are recurring characters they will be saved at the last minute via some previously non-existent extra wandering into view and dying horribly.

Wouldn't you know it, a young man runs out of the house and the New Seekers descend on him and leave his emaciated corpse drained of all liquids. And moisture too, just in case they missed that.

The Doctor sighs. Guess it was aliens after all. Still, at least the cultists aren't safe from it either, so with a bit of luck these two factions can wipe themselves out.

The trio return to the TARDIS, which materializes inside the cellar of the house. For some reason. Not realizing where they are, the trio emerge from the TARDIS and ransack the wine cellar.

Soon, completely pissed and barely sentient, the Doctor and Ben stagger through the house having temporarily forgotten about Rose's existence. After more padding, er, exploring of empty rooms, the Doctor finds a locked door. Too pissed to work the sonic screwdriver, Ben opens it with the Doctor's head.

Inside stands a strange device with a headset, which is such standard equipment for the alien voodoo cult neither time traveler thinks it worth mentioning. Suddenly the door slams behind them and they turn around to see...

That they have used up sixty minutes and the story has to end now!

The End.