15 Operation Delta

The Ben Chatham Off Spin Misadventures:
Operation Helter-Skelter

1: New Age Crap

Aboard the good ship TARDIS, the Doctor is slaving away on a complicated device to deal with the biggest bane in his existence. Not Cybermen, not the Moxx of Balhoun or even the Slitheen, but his unwanted companion: Ben Chatham.

Smug, self-centred, egotistical, pompous, racist, classist, patronizing, moronic, vain, infantile, emotionally retarded, socially unaware, on the bright side Ben is blonde with a baby face and six-packs enough for Rose's screaming thigh sweats to override all her brain cells.

However, even she is beginning to realize she can do better than Ben, especially after he explains her feelings for him are so intense he feels stifled - after she asks him to make her a cup of tea.

The self-contradictory sexist claptrap is too much and the Doctor reveals his amazing device - the null matrix personal reality warp (trademark patent applied for) which will remove Ben from the nature of continuity of all time and cast him into the howling halls of hell where he will face eternal damnation.

'I haven't needed one of these since Michael Grade,' the Doctor tells Rose as he activates it and Ben Chatham is undone, unwoven from history and his physical form cancelled out.

Rose ponders what Dali-esque fate will await poor Ben... then gets bored and she and the Doctor decide to visit the Face of Boe.

Meanwhile, Ben Chatham awakes in his own private hell - which happens to resemble an apartment flat in Cardiff. Putting on Stravinsky's 'Firebird', Ben starts swilling brandy and bad mouthing the blonde chav who wrecked his life and didn't even put out. When it's the man faking the orgasms, you know the relationship is on the rocks.

At that moment the phone rings. Steve Best (who went to university with Ben and is only now recovering psychologically from all the male nudity, Satanism and absinthe) gets the answer phone and babbles that he needs Ben's help urgently - only drunken Satanism can save him from the dark and malevolent forces closing in. Screaming hysterically for help, Steve begs Ben to come to the neolithic barrow site in Wiltshire and then something about 'Ah! The blood! MOTHER! They've got my intestines! THEY'VE GOT MY INTESTINES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!'

Ben swigs some more brandy and considers visiting tomorrow morning. He muses on the hideous death screams on the answer phone, then passes out in the chair, soiling himself.

The next morning, Ben's tacky alarm clock starts playing Bowie's low album and he slowly regains consciousness and impatiently waits for someone to turn up and haul him out of his own bodily waste.

Hours pass and Ben begins to wonder if Steve is ever going to turn up. There is another phone call and this time it's Steve's distressed girlfriend who leaves an abusive message that Ben's lazy drunkenness meant that evil demonic forces have stabbed Steve to death in an attack which would be frenzied if the producers had remembered to film it.

Ben thinks up several witty rejoinders, but by that time, night has fallen and the girlfriend, whatever her name was, has hung up. Slurping out of the chair, Ben decides to drive to Wiltshire. After stealing and crashing a car, he walks and three weeks later arrives.

Forgetting that Steve is dead and decomposing, Ben decides to crash at Steve's flat and deliberately ignores all the police tape saying 'CRIME SCENE - DO NOT CROSS - THAT MEANS YOU, ZITFACE!'

It is here here meets a strange woman in a tuxedo who giggles a lot. This is Karen, who works for a top secret government organisation set up to investigate strange or paranormal incidents. As UNIT and Torchwood are copyrighted, Karen calls it Operation Helter-Skelter.

Ben briefly wonders why a member of such a secret organization is wandering around a conventional murder scene shouting 'HEY! I'M A SECRET AGENT! YOO-HOO!' at the top of her voice. Could it be that the barrow excavation site is suffering strange events?

Karen bouncily agrees, claiming that they have found dead animals, mutilated animals, dead AND mutilated animals, strange lights in the nearby church, hooded figures and some wierd guy in a Morris Minor that keeps trying to run her over.

At that moment a wierd guy in a Morris Minor runs Karen over.

Ben shrugs and walks off when he meets a static, drooling man calling himself Paul Farraday who is the superior in the organization of Operation Helter-Skelter. Paul says very noisily that he suspects that Steve was knifed to death by black magic-worshipping psychopaths, mainly because the death was filmed and shown on 'Wiltshire's Funniest Home Video Shows'.

Ben invites himself into Steve's house and starts quaffing all the brandy he can find and refusing to share any with Paul. Refusing to get involved with OHS, Ben decides to visit the occult bookshop Necromicons 'R' Us and see if he can score some sex and violence.

Upon arrival, Ben is disgusted to discover it has wheelchair access and the proprietor is overweight. So, he slashes their throats open, paints arcane symbols on the wall behind them and then shoots a cat. Feeling much better, he breaks back into Steve's flat and finds Detective Inspector Peniman is already there claiming squatter's rights. Peniman refuses to disclose where he's hidden the absinthe and offers to probe Ben with a buzzing ASP. Ben, annoyed, decides to squat at the barrow and sponge off society there.

However, on the way he finds an internet cafe and spends the rest of the day looking up porn and Bowie forums before remembering the occultist stuff. As night falls, Ben heads for the barrow and is delighted to see a circle of hooded figures dancing in circles doing the 1980s dance craze 'Hecate!'

Ben tries to join in and steals the goblet the cultists wanted to drink from and runs off with it. The lead cultist, wearing a fur coat and fishnet stockings, knees him in the bollocks.

Three years later, Ben awakes from a coma in hospital to find Karen and Paul eager to pester him with stories of how they occasionally get to empty ashtrays at Torchwood Tower and UNIT latrine duty. Their lives without Ben have no meaning.

Ben laughs cruelly at them and runs out of the hospital just to make their miserable existences unbearable. He then breaks into Karen's flat, sculls some brandy and passes out on the sofa as Karen and Paul enter, desperate to bask in his glory. And Philip Glass.

Ben awakes to find that Karen and Paul, pissed off, have stripped him naked and dumped him in the bookshop where he slaughtered the inhabitants. Penimen enters to steal the cash register, then decides to create a cliffhanger by arresting Ben for diabolic murder. And enjoying Bowie's 'Heathen' album.

"Society is to blame!" Ben screams.


2: Powder of Dellusion

Ben (and for some reason, Karen) are taken to the cells, beaten, tortured with high pressure hoses, framed, probed, prodded and jerked about by Peniman, who considers this sort of thing a perk as he stares blankly into the distance, whispering 'This one's for you, Ms. Piper!' as he decks Ben for the fifth time.

He also makes vague references to people interfering in matters they don't understand and getting hurt. Ben, however, is being garotted at the time and misses this truly pathetic bit of intimidation as he suffers a far more effective method.

Karen's screams that she is part of a secret British intelligence agency into the occult and her death would cripple the two-strong organization for the next financial year are ignored. For some reason.

However, by a miracle, Ben and Karen escape certain death through a flaw in the continuity and are back at the apartment safe and well. Ben feels extremely uneasy, but this turns out to be the police baton rammed violently up his anus. Once removed, he's fine.

Like any self-respecting Children's TV hero, the first thing Ben does when faced with police corruption and black magic cults is put on Morrissey's 'Viva Hate' album and cracks open a bottle of Merlot which he drains in four seconds flat.

Paul turns up and tries to impress them all by saying that the secret, super and above all powerful OHS is run by Prentice Hancock, hair-trigger psycho and personal crawler ot the Home Secretary. Hancock is playing with bundles of TNT and calmly suggests OSH get off its lazy arse and solve the crimes in the main plot.

The local wicca group is a group of Buffy shippers called The Fans of Dawn, and is lead by Professor Scott, a bit part character in The Rocky Horror Picture Show and part time toilet attendant at the local medical school. Paul complains that if only he had even bothered to ask someone in the village the simplest of questions, he could have known all this in episode one when he brief Ben Chatham.

Unfortunately, Ben Chatham has passed out in his own sick again, and it's another three days before he's well enough to move and a full six months before he can be bothered to. Hell, last time he tried, he ended up in hospital. He may be pathetic, but he's not stupid!

Arriving at the barrow, Karen's remaining braincells implode.

No one notices.

Ben meets Professor Scott who recites a long, pompous, self-justifying speech about how pagan groups are really misunderstood and NOT 2000-year-old death cults, before caving in and admitting he's only in it for Tara/Willow shipping fics.

Ben, annoyed, beats the old man unconscious and steals his single malt. Scott swears that the disciples of Herne have 'Swift-Winged Death' on speed dial, so Ben better watch out. Ben turns the whiskey into a molotov cocktail and burns the old man to death.

Paul is still wandering around, unaware that Karen is lying on the ground, drooling and mumbling about 'arrow root' over and over again. At that point, something in a fur coat and fishnets wanders in front of camera, waves and leaves again.

Paul, excited, tells Karen to get in the car and follow it, but then is run over by that wierd guy in the Morris Minor.

Ben breaks into Karen's flat and decides to use up all the hot water in a gratiutious shower sequence, and remembers that Rose and the Doctor still owe him his pocket money. Wandering around the flat stark bollock naked, with Bowie's 'Wild in the Wind' playing, Ben starts swigging absinthe.

An evil goblin jumps over the sofa and starts to throttle Ben!


3: David Bowie's "Repetitive Crap to Go Insane To"

At the barrow, Karen and Paul are perfectly unharmed after being run over by a Morris Minor. When said Morris Minor explodes, however, they do sting slightly.

Getting up they head back at the flat, and find the windows smashed, blood on the carpet, a handwritten note called THEY'VE GOT ME!, and a video diary entitled 'How I Was Abducted By An Evil Goblin by B. Chatham, the Super Geeeenious.'

Karen and Paul ignore this totally and simply put on a CD of Philip Glass violin concerto, pour themselves a wine and briefly consider informing their superior of the wierd happenings but instead screw each other like rabbits on the deep shag carpet. Oo er.

Meanwhile, Ben snaps out of his absinthe-induced insanity and discovers he is standing in a swinger party of Star Trek fans. The sight of all the green scales, reptilian eyes and Klingon love poems causes Ben to go mad again and runs off naked into the night screaming, 'FISHSTICKS! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISHSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKS!'

Karen and Paul are busy screwing as Gryf Rhys-Jones rings up the flat and over the answer phone complains his daughter's boyfriend has been stabbed to death months earlier and OSH hasn't done a tinker's cuss about it, despite Prentice Hancock's personal guarantee.

Karen is startled by this news and runs out of the house wearing only her slippers, panic consuming her rancid excuse for a brain as she wanders Cardiff/Wiltshire looking for something to occupy her thoughts.

Ben snaps out of his daze again and finds himself in a field. He is then run over by Karen, who has stolen the Morris Minor.

Ben mumbles something about being abducted by strange beings and is annoyed when Karen doesn't immediately try to sleep with him like Rose did. Instead, she gives him directions to the local YMCA and drives off, reversing painfull over Ben as she goes.

Ben visits the youth hostel, a large country house with a sign which says 'CHATHAM BUMS SHEEP!' and meets Gryf Rhys Jones. After spending a few minutes remembering his old friend Steve Best was knifed to death a while ago, Ben announces he is bored and passes out on the welcome mat.

Karen's malfunctioning cerebellum leads her to crash her car into the front room of the YMCA and wanders up stairs to ask for some jump leads. Ben wakes up 17 hours later and decides to raid the fridge. He then hears a clock ticking and in alcohol-fueled terror realizes he is, in fact, in The Twilight Zone!


4: Mindfucker

However, it's much worse than that, for Ben is trapped in... his own spin-off TV show, and thus the sinister figure emerging out of the shadows is Peniman, who tells Ben to back off because he got here first and the stuff in the fridge is HIS!

Ben has no idea who Peniman is, his psyche blocking out the pain of the previous three episodes. Peniman pistol whips Ben and drags him downstairs by the hair and onto a heap of main characters. Peniman then begins to pace back and forth, reciting the film history of Michael Antonioni to himself.

Peniman eventually segues into the fact that OSH is just two nutters with an ouji board trying to break into a complicated police procedure. Ever since The Ben Chatham Off Spin Misadventures started filming there have been unexplained deaths, mental breakdowns and a rise in sales of Philip Glass CDs to lobotomised gibbons.

Peniman decides to pin the wrap on OSH, and no one gives a shit. Or even has an explanation for why. Karen tries to defend herself using logic and collapses in spasms as her brain liquefies.

Ben deduces that all the creepy shit that's been happening is just a symptom of his brain crumbling under all that booze and decides to forget the whole thing and go home.

The main characters swig slammers of brandy and wait eagerly for the story to end. For want of a working TV, Gryf Rhys Jones seduces Ben with a cocktail olive as they generally take the piss out of the deceased Steve Best.

"Kiss me Ben!" Rhys-Jones screams. "Let's make love!"

Ben turns away, and horrified Gryf wonders if 'Big' Mel Smith got there first - this will not be the first time the chubby cheeky chappy has stolen Gryf's boy toys...

Ben insists he has not slept with Mel Smith, but did date rape Steve Best at university. However, Steve used the word 'party' as a verb and so deserved it.

Unable to believe Ben's snobbery claptrap, Gryf runs out of the room screaming and...

...IS RUN OVER BY THE MORRIS MINOR!

Ben watches in horror as Gryf explodes like a gore-filled pinyata in slow-motion as Kraftwerk's 'Autobahn' plays in the background. As Gryf's severed head flies through the air, spewing red bile, Ben enjoys a glass of Rijola.

Karen and Paul are remarkably turned on by this. They were driving the car at the time. Paul's also talking in tongues, which he only ever does when in the mood.

Ben breaks wind and scratches his arse as Gryf's body stops twitching.

"This is just a random thought passing through the Brain of Jordan. The rest is bad luck," says Ben sagely.


5: Dork Shadows

"Anyway, moving on," says Ben and with a cheap negative effect all the living main characters are magically transported back to the apartment. Ben briefly considers blaming himself for Gryf's death, but this is just a ploy to get someone to shag him. When it fails, he pretends Gryf never existed and is just an urban legend mixing up the memories of Rowan Atkinson and someone Welsh.

The others idly wish for the Morris Minor to appear and run Ben over repeatedly, but it is in vain.

Ben realizes the only person not to accept his sexual advances was fur-coat-fishnet-stockings monster and decides to try to seduce before realizing that would involve moving. He abandons this plan quickly.

Karen ponders if everything that has happened so far is some kind of mental manipulation, but Ben notes that all the dead bodies bar Steve are down to him. He then decides to ring Mickey Smith and get him to save the day via the internet and claim the credit. Hey, it worked for Eccleston! However, Mickey Smith has left an insulting voicemail message and it looks like Western Civilization is stuffed unless Ben does something on his own.

Ben decides to simply rip out pages from "Back to the Vortex 2: This Time It's Quality Free", throws them onto the floor into a random order and discovers that...

ALIENS ARE INVOLVED!

Yes, a crashed alien spaceship in Cromford in Derbyshire six years from the UNIT era was salvaged by OSH, who had no freaking idea WHAT to do with it and used it to hide their illegal distillery!!

And it is held in the Abandoned Warehouse District OUTSIDE SWINDON!!!

And even MORE amazingly BEN GETS OFF HIS ARSE AND DOES SOMETHING!!!!!

Unfortunately, it is taking a shower, listening to Bowie, drinking absinthe and writing a chapter of his erotic novel 'All Chavs Must Die' printed on the skin of murdered prostitutes.

The next morning Ben, accompanied by the biggest bunch of sad pathetic losers outside Enterprise fandom, and creeps into the deserted warehouse. Paul asks to be let in by the guards on the ground he read all their evil plans in a chatroom.

The guards take them all prisoners, beat them up, strip them, get them to form human pyramids, and then meet the head of Shytty Electrionics, the misspelt Sil Dihly Soi45rh. He threatens to kill them all his pet vampire baboon. Then, he vanishes from the plot because the author was bored and typing out his name correctly would suck donkey balls.

Ben begins to kick the wall and angrilly wishes that the Doctor and Rose were here... facing death and gang rape instead of him.

Suddenly, the door opens and Prentis Hancock enters, covered in TNT and semtex, carrying a shotgun and answering to the name of 'Bootylicious'.

Prentis reveals that OSH is exactly what it appears to be - two wandering nutters with photo ID and no concept of linear reality. As for everyone else in the British government, they are in fact members o the Servants of Hermoine, Harry Potter fans gone bad in black magic cult that will destroy human society forever. Just, you know, because.

At that moment, J.K. Rowling's lawyer enters the room and everyone hastily says that they're not REALLY Harry Potter fans and that bit was all made up and not real at all.

Ben distracts them all by bragging about his archaelogy degree until his companions beg Prentis Hancock to ritualistically slaughter them - ANYTHING except hear Chatham say 'I have a first, by the way' over and over again! MAKE IT STOP! MAAAAKE IT STOOOOOOOPPP!!!

Hancock takes pity on them and drags them out to an old BBC studio used by the makers of The Wicker Man and prepare to sacrifice Ben first as he is slammed against a sacrificial stone, screaming that he is an intellectual and too charismatic to die.

Nothing else in the universe agrees, so Hancock chops his head off with a blunt bread knife!


6: Some Like It DEAD!

At the moment Hancock decapitates Ben, he is run over by the Morris Minor! Driven by Sarah Jane Smith and K9, who run over and/or shoot all the cultists. Ben can only watch with bittersweet jealousy as the entire plot is finished in four seconds of road rage and machine fun fire of two completely new characters outdoing the main cast.

Oh, he's still decapitated. It just mean he's dead though, worst luck.

With the Servants of Hermoine dead, there doesn't seem to be much for Ben to do except drink the last bottle of Shiraz and vandalize Karen's apartment. Sarah tells Ben that even though she's just an electronically synthesized simulation of the real Sarah, Ben's still a moron who drinks too much.

Ben swigs absinthe moodily and bitches that at least he doesn't have clingy Rose all over him just because he demanded a paid vacation in Paris out of her own pocket, ignoring the screams of 'STOP GETTING DRUNK YOU FUCKING PISS HEAD!' from K9. 'YOU ARE AN EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE WITH THE MATURITY OF A DEAD SLUG!'

Paul, looking for an excuse to leave, decides to take over Shytty Electrionics to then take over the world. Karen and Peniman decide to get UNIT to deal with matters. Even if they ARE in on the conspiracy, it will be better than spending any more time with Ben.

The beheaded Ben mocks them and turns on a Philip Glass symphony to drown out their abuse. His claims that he was taken advantage of Rose because he was afraid of commitment and couldn't accept who he was proves too much and he is hacked to peices with an axe by the main characters and buried under the apartment.

Paul, Sarah and K9 kill some extras and Prentis Hancock comes back to life and then blows himself up with all that TNT. UNIT arrives too late and takes all the credit.

Just when it looks like it's all over, a huge octopoid-like creature explodes out of the ground. This is Ben Chatham's true form Chavthulu the Elder! A being beyond human comprehension!

And unless they all thank Ben for saving the day and tell him how special he is, he will swallow up their lives! They must bow down before him and sing 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow!' or else!

Sarah and the others kill themselves instead. K9 self-destructs.

Chavthulu reverts to Ben, who sighs, reattaches his head and swigs from a bottle of absinthe as Geri Halliwell's 'Strength of a Woman' plays in the background.

The End.