6 A Time For Live

2.5 - A Time For Guineapigocide:

In the TARDIS, the Doctor is drowning his sorrows. Not only is he stuck with Rose Tyler and Ben Chatham but now Adam Mitchell has broken in and is demanding he be taken back to the future to remove the implant from his forehead.

The Doctor refuses to do so on the ground it would interfere with the pattern of events that lead to his regeneration, but everyone suspects he just really hates Adam's guts.

The Doctor sets the TARDIS to a remote island off the coast of Papua New Guinea, but doesn't tell the others. He pops out and tries to enjoy a holiday but unfortunately his companions discover this and insist on joining him.

Rose is overwhelmed by the beauty of the coastal scenery on the un-spoilt island and decides this is the perfect place for a bit of violent, barely-legal sex with Ben. Adam decides to sunbathe on the beach and amuse himself by snapping his fingers.

The Doctor just broods over the fact this island's population has just trebled due to his moronic travelling companions and wishes that some passing tourists will take pity on him and kill Adam, Rose and Ben – the latter of whom are now frolicking in the surf.

Yes, Rose is gazing into Ben's eyes and seeing something she realizes she's never had - true depth and desire. And washboard abs. She tells Ben she loves him and that she's never felt like this about anyone before. Apart from Chris Evans, of course.

Ben says she's the most exciting, demanding, annoying even but also gorgeous girl he's ever known and she could suck the brass off a pawn-broker's balls. They kiss passionately and then walk back onto the sand - the water glistening on Ben's smooth body.

The Doctor sees this and vows to let the duo die horribly. Under the guise of a camp fire, the Time Lord intends to set a bush fire that will kill these three nauseating adolescents all in one go.

Rose, however, having passed out on a rug after a vigorous sex session and starts having intense erotic dreams about being fondled by demons with huge... talons. Oh, and she also dreams Ben is laughing mockingly at her and holding a bloodstained knife in his hands. Under him is the corpse of Jackie and a large fanged panther.

So vivid and realistic is this flashback that you could be fooled into thinking that Satanic murder Ben Chatham has actually killed Jackie, but this turns out to be nothing more than a fantasy. Shame.

Rose awakes with a strange desire to make this dream reality and insists they return to Cardiff immediately. Ben, the Doctor and Adam ask what the hell is wrong with her but she bitch-slaps them until they do her evil bidding.

The Doctor is annoyed. He just got the firewood ready for the inferno.

Aboard the TARDIS, Rose has another hot flash of Ben stabbing Jackie and the panther again and begins making curious noises that Adam insists that he record these for scientific study.

The Doctor tries to help Rose but just gets caught in a sleeper hold and orders he pilot the time machine to her flat so that Ben can murder Jackie and pat a panther seductively.

The TARDIS lands outside the flat. Jackie emerges and, conveniently forgetting the last time she saw her daughter, begins accusing the three strangers with Rose of being evil kidnappers.

After five minutes of this abuse, Ben is more than happy to slaughter the whining bitch and the Doctor is already phoning local zoos to borrow a panther.

Rose hides inside the flat, planning to catch her mother unawares and give the others time to set up with diabolic ceremony. But just as Rose is picking up the knife, she has another vision of being tied to a spit surrounded by Atomic Kitten doing a nude tribal dance.

The rest of the crew, meanwhile, decide to a have a stiff, manly, Northern drink... at the local wine bar, The Pissed Ponce. The Doctor announces over a bucket of absinthe that he believes he's encountered this phenomena before. He wants to return to Papua New Guinea – this time without dumb, dumber and wanker.

Meanwhile Mickey turns up at Jackie's flat demanding to see Rose as he saw her arrive earlier out a car window. It took him three hours to get here because of all the Lithuanian prostitutes he had to pay off before he could get out of the house.

Jackie tells him to bog off but Rose awakens and insists he be let in. She tells Mickey that she doesn't love him - she loves Ben, a white guy who she has known for all of three glorious days. She kisses Mickey and cheers him up by enlisting his aid in killing Jackie in a bloody orgy of ritualistic violence.

The Doctor is trying to slip away from Adam and Ben and return to Papua New Guinea while the duo, pissed out of their minds, make scenes at the nearby hotel. As he goes, Ben mentions in passing that while in Papua New Guinea, he and Rose slaughtered a few stupid natives next to a strange crystal object in the undergrowth in the jungle near the beach. Idly he wonders if this has any connection with Rose's sudden desire to murder her own mother.

The concerned Doctor recognizes this description as an entity of psychic energy that takes over humanoid minds like a parasite feeding on emotional fear. It clearly landed from space – like every other alien menace they meet - and the entity is inhabiting Rose.

The name of the entity? Papua New Guinea Pig!

For eternity Guinea Pig has haunted the dreams of men, sowing seeds of restlessness in their hearts to brutally murder passers-by, guided only by girl bands and pop groups. Perhaps Guinea Pig had sailed through the dreams of Rassilon, countless aeons ago. Or perhaps not. Rassilon was a Lord of Time. And Guinea Pig was... a guinea pig.

Adam asks how Guinea Pig can be removed from Rose's mind and the Doctor looks concerned and says there is only one way. Rose must look into the Eye of Harmony in the TARDIS (even though opening the Eye will destroy the Earth – hell, crap happens). The entity must have an alternative host to jump into – Jackie Tyler's pet guinea pig!

Which must die afterwards.

Adam thinks this is a bit severe. Can't they just slip Rose some mind-altering drugs or hypnotize her or do something that won't wreck the Earth? Maybe he could convert the entity into digital information and Adam could use the implant in his head to destroy Guinea Pig forever.

The Doctor laughs uproarishly and throttles Adam unconscious before he can extol this plans to others.

Ben takes Jackie and Rose to the TARDIS where Rose has some more visions. The Doctor presses a button on the console and screams that the guinea pig is now evil and MUST die!!

He grabs the small furry animal off Rose and crushes it with his foot, giggling and sobbing and screaming. Rose finds this a bit cruel and sick and the Doctor philosophically says 'Sometimes small sacrifices have to be made. Besides, guinea pigs are EVIL! I hate the bastards! They must all be drowned in marzipan!'

Adam suggests that maybe the evil entity possessed the Doctor instead of Rose, but now the Time Lord is leaping around the TARDIS with a bowie knife chanting "KILL THE GUINEA PIG! THE GUINEA PIG MUST DIE!! KILL THE GUINEA PIG! THE GUINEA PIG MUST DIE!! KILL THE GUINEA PIG! THE GUINEA PIG MUST DIE!!"

Ben knocks the Doctor unconscious and Rose embraces Ben and tells him she loves him again. To prove it, they screw like bunnies on the TARDIS console while, in the background, Jackie and Adam kick the Doctor viscously for his gerbilcide.

The End.