1: The Christmas Invasion

When it became known that a special 60-minute Doctor Who episode would be shown on Christmas Day, a strange scaled figure calling itself Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones began to break into the Doctor Who Production Office and demand RTD accept his ideas for such a story.

Jones had for some time been insisting that RTD's Doctor Who was too light weight and just because it had managed to become an award-winning blockbuster series more successful than anyone - even Colin Baker - had ever dared to dream, it wasn't actually good enough.

Amongst other things Jones regularly insisted that only HE was able to create any half-decent Doctor Who story despite the fact he would openly admit he could not read, write or "do that spilling thing, you know, with the letters". When the Captain Jack spin-off series Touchwood was announced, Jones immediately began to brag on Outpost Gallifrey, Outpost Vulcan and his own shoddily-designed Outpost Sparacus that it was all down to him and anyone who said otherwise was a homophobic communist who should be pistol-whipped to death.

First off, Jones ordered that the story involve Rose threatening the Doctor at gunpoint to take her back in time to meet Jesus and finally solve once and for all whether or not The Da Vinci Code is a shocking expose of the truth or complete crap. Jones found it utterly preposterous that Doctor Who had survived 40 odd years without at least one companion demanding to discover the truth about Jesus.

RTD cautiously agreed in order to stall Jones while the men in white coats were requested urgently by a near-hysterical Helen Raynor. RTD then suggested that the story would involve the Doctor catching up with Jesus, Moses and Mohammed and taking them to Mars for a pub crawl (though it should be noted this entire idea was plagiarized from Tom Baker's "What I Did On My Weekend" essay from 1962).

Jones dismissed this idea on the grounds that equating Jesus with drinking binges was highly inappropriate - and when RTD point out Jesus regularly turned water into wine for his mates, Jones began to scream incoherently and pulled out a semi-automatic rifle.

Jones admitted later he had a low opinion of Jesus Christ, calling him a "workshy fop who threw in a carpentry apprentice to hang around with his stoned hippy mates not to mention the hookers! Oh, how many times have we heard of the apostles fire-bombing police cars? Or seen Jesus go to the DSS for not paying child support to Mary Magdeline? If only Jesus had been white man from Oxford, things could have been so much happier and safer in modern life! And he was a poof! They're all queer in heaven, you know, so backs to the wall!".

Jones was very much in favor of the TARDIS crew discovering that Jesus was, in fact, a Japanese albino lesbian in a wheelchair who believed hir was the son of God due to excessive masturbation on Thursdays.

RTD was unimpressed and suggested the slightly less sacrilegious idea that Jesus was a Slitheen. Or maybe Jesus was the illegitimate offspring of Captain Jack, who wooed the Virgin Mary in five minutes flat. Or maybe Jesus was the first Cyberman. (The latter was again an idea nicked by RTD as a stalling game, this time from Matthew Waterhouse's proposed "Adric the Attractive" spin-off series which Handmade Films described as "not worth touching with a barge pole tied to another barge pole").

Indeed, RTD found the only realistic way to deal with the issue without causing undue offence was to have the story consist of Rose asking to go back in time and see Jesus, and the Doctor refuse point blank as Jesus doesn't exist. We would then see the Doctor had his fingers crossed all along.

Jones insisted that Doctor Who should tackle controversial issues and that historical evidence proved that not only did Jesus exist, he was also a Japanese albino quadriplegic transsexual lesbian. Ideally he wanted a story that was subtle, insidious, topical - and inspired TV viewers to hurl bricks at members of organized religions.

When Jones suggested, however, that Adam Rickitt play Jesus, something snapped inside RTD's brain.

He leant forward and proceeded to BITE the shotgun in two, snap both Jones' arms and force the fishy figure face-first into the office microwave.

Jones hastily changed tactics and conceded that maybe Aled Jones could play Jesus as a Yorkshireman. Rickitt could portray an intellectually curious human companion for the Doctor that could draw attention away from "the tits" (as Jones insisted on referring to both Rose Tyler and Billie Piper).

It was the wrong thing to say.

By the time Jones was sufficiently recovered to leave hospital, the Christmas special had been named "The Michaelmas Invasion" and would be the first story of the Tenth Doctor. He desperately offered RTD a new synopsis, reprinted here. Written to "evoke good old English hearth values," the script apparently only does this in that it burns well.

The Michaelmas Evasion (b):

The newly regenerated Doctor lands the TARDIS in the village of Dertain Ceath at Michaelmas, 2005. Rose and the Doctor emerge to a snow covered country scene - a robin pecking at the old farm gate and the snow-capped church steeple in the distance.

It is like a Christmas card, and in fact, turns out to be that - a giant Christmas greetings card constructed on a heap known only as the Devil's A Dyke.

The time travelers run off into the snow, screaming with terror. They then discover strange footprints in the snow resembling cloven hooves. The Doctor mumbles something about the Devil walking the earth and Rose looks annoyed, pointing out that it is probably just the local theme park owner trying to drum up business.
The Doctor and Rose burst into the pub and start acting like they own the place. The Time Lord in particular is seduced by the presence of Mrs. Smythesby-Jones (played by Patricia Routledge) who is clearly evil due to suffering such a horrible name. Maybe even a Slitheen.

SJ starts rabbitting on about strange figures marching through the snow at night and that the fields around the village are about to be bought by the government for housing development. The Doctor retorts that if the village is so bloody worried about this why don't they pull their bloody fingers out and do something?

SJ retorts that there was a protest group but the leader, Reg Prentice was found dead next to the church, a pitchfork in his back and bloody pictograms scrawled on the vestry wall.

The Doctor and Rose mildly wonder if SJ has asked the vicar if he has any idea about what's happening - but such a course of action has not occurred to her. And it ultimately proves pointless as the vicar Nathanial York (Angus Deyton) has just had his throat ripped out.

There he was, minding his own business, lighting candles and THWACK - dead. The Doctor and Rose announce that the denizens of Dertain Ceath are too stupid to live and are about to return to the TARDIS when they spot Ben Chatham (Adam Rickitt), standing over the corpse.

"I heard the scream," Ben insists, wiping the blood from his hands. I was investigating the churchyard - I'm Ben Chatham .. I'm an archaeologist - well amateur archaeologist I suppose. I'm researching this site for possible pre-Christian remnants and associations. What could have done this?"

"Dunno," the Doctor replies, bored. "But whatever it is, it has claws. And a violent dislike of vicars lighting candles."

Ben proves he is also a practicing nudist as he tears off his clothes to cover the corpse with it. You know he's dedicated because the setting IS in the middle of a blizzard.

Then follow fifteen minutes of characters admiring Ben's "smooth, muscular chest shining in the candlelight, luscious and luminous".

These characters include Inspector Miles (Ross Kemp) and his fellow coppers (Todd Carty and Callum Best), Lord Acresby (John Savident), Mrs Hattersby the eccentric ghosthunter (Su Pollard), Sexton (Steve McFadden) and some carol singers (Jessie Wallace, Javine) and Charlotte Church (India Fisher).

The Doctor suddenly announces that the 'Hardon Development Company' trying to buy the surrounding lands are, in fact, a race called Lucifarians who just happen to resemble the classical Devil.

The Doctor and Rose decide to annoy the hell out of Lord Acresby and find him in Digby Connor's office, with Digby Connor (Martin Kemp) and several empty bottles of wine as an X-rated film plays on the VCR.

Acresby turned to drink when a spate of ritualistic murders wiped out his housekeeping staff and is now planning to sell his lands and titles to Digby in return for a few more barrels of mind-rotter and his son's cockroach's gambling debts paid off.

"My Lord," the Doctor shouts, "you must listen to this! Look! This whole development plan for Dertain Ceath is a front! For not only something sinister... but also DANGEROUS!! They want your land because of something underneath it!!"

Digby and Lord Acresby react realistically to this by telling the new-age nutter tree-hugging bastards to sod off. Despite their best efforts, Ben has followed the Doctor and Rose and announces that underneath the land is not earth spirits or ley-lines. Rose and the Doctor sneak out as Ben begins his big speech.

"Look something crashed here over a thousand years ago! And it brought with it cretins! Cretins far beyond humanity in their technical prowess and development. Oh, wait, sorry, that's 'creatures'."

Despite this eloquence, he is not believed - mainly because Digby and Acresby know for a FACT the ship only crashed there three hundred years ago. Ben is laughed out into the street.

The Doctor and Rose are trying to get pissed at the local pub, The Pink Elephant, only to find that Ben now seems to be stalking them. Rose goes to tell him to piss off but for some reason her line is -

"Oh Ben. Your beautiful eyes glisten in the light. I imagine myself caressing your muscular chest and planting a kiss on your rose-petal lips. God I love you."

The Doctor, sickened, steps outside for a breath of fresh air and soon is attacked. He escapes. And runs back inside, remembering that there are a bunch of evil, devil-resembling monsters on the loose.

Rose wonders why a bunch of godlike aliens would be interested in a small, impoverished Welsh village.
Ben enters and explains he was visiting Dertain Ceath on the off chance that the church has been built over a spaceship containing the ancient Lucifarian king, Bobbo (Ian Anderson), which crashed there hundreds of years ago, which the Doctor confirms.

Rose asks aloud just why the hell would self-respecting 18th century Welshmen build a village around a crashed spaceship containing the devil and put a church atop the spaceship? Why would such a godlike alien be doing visiting Earth anyway - was it to scare the crap out of St. Jerome? And how the hell do godlike aliens CRASH a spaceship?

She then asks why these godlike aliens are going to all the trouble of managing a corporate buyout instead of simply teleporting the spaceship and the contents away? And why are they murdering villagers which will simply increase the paranoia and draw attention to them?

Ben awkwardly admits that the horrible murders are actually down to him. But before anyone can answer Rose's other perfectly sensible questions, three Lucifarians barge into the church.

Luckily, the Tenth Doctor's new mascot (a violent, alcoholic owl) who has been living in the rafters, comes to life and attacks Ben, gourging out his left eye.

This distracts the Lucifarians long enough for the Doctor, Rose and the now-monocular Ben leg it back to the TARDIS at the Devil's A Dyke, where the Doctor presses a button on the console.

The spaceship explodes, destroys the Church and the Lucifarians - though why Lucifarian technology bows to the will of a button rather than three living Lucifarians, I cannot tell.

The Doctor decides to take off before Mrs. S-J can find them again, even though it means making Ben the new companion - despite the fact he regularly kills villagers in diabolic ceremonies.

The now homeless Owl is taken aboard the TARDIS as well and repeatedly attacks Ben in the face.

The End.

Scrawled over the title page of the script was the following:

"This could be without doubt the lamest script in human history. Leave it to the professionals, Jones. They know what they're doing."
*Do they? In what sense?*
"In the sense that they're paid professionals who have been writing for years who - fortunately - don't have an obsession with Adam Rickett getting his pants off. You know, the ones who made a critical success with the first series of Doctor Who?"
*If it's SO good, then why don't I like it??*
"Probably because you fancy Adam Rickitt, that little twat. I've met him twice and if I see him a third time I'll castrate the bastard with a pair of eyebrow tweezers."
*You have met Adam Rickitt twice? Have you any idea how lucky you are to have done so? If I met Adam Rickitt I would not be wasting the opportunity by criticizing his acting skills I'd be inviting him out for dinner at a fine restaurant - followed by a nightcap at my place sitting on the rug by the fire after which I would pour honey over him and lick it off.*
".....OH......DEAR...GOD..."

Jones later resubmitted the plotline for the Children in Need mini-episode, entitled simply Pudsey Cutaway. In this, the dazed post-regenerated Tenth Doctor sends the TARDIS hurtling back to AD 33, Judea, where he and Rose discover that the Biblical account of the Messiah is somewhat different to real thing.

Can the Doctor convince Jesus to accept his destiny and save mankind from their own sins? Why do Jesus' disciples refer to Rose as "That slapper Magdalene"? And why does Pilate have a black beard and a tissue compression eliminator?

All these and more were never to be revealed, for Jones suggested that Adam Rickett could play the part of Jesus if oiled and taunt enough and the idea was immediately scrapped and Jones was knocked out, drugged and had his unconscious body transported overnight to Afghanistan.

By the time Jones had managed to return to England, it was November 20th and the CIN special had been and gone.

This allowed RTD to get on with scripting his own story, the central tenant of which (hah! Tennant! HAHAH!) involved an outbreak of donkeys in spacesuits and Harriet Jones the MP for Flydale North calling in the Doctor to try her new salmon mouse laced with arsenic.

The space donkeys were just 'pilot fish' of the real villain behind the piece - a psychotic Snotaran in a Santa costume using a meat clever to chop off the heads of people who were naughty, not nice.

The Doctor and Rose start tracking the Claus murders, and end up chasing a reindeer-drawn sleigh to the north pole, in the TARDIS, where they finally confront the evil Santa - who turns out be a zeitgeist-style creation, a manifestation made possible by dimensional rifts in the wake of the Temporal Difference of Opinion - who delivers the Christmas that children deserve now they're greedy little so and sos!

Only by Rose speaking to the people of the world and making them think good thoughts, is evil Santa made to not-exist-anymore. She does this by taking her shirt off.

Unfortunately, by this time more unsolicited scripts were being offered for the plot of The Michaelmas Evasion – though whether they were by nutters inspired by Jones or merely Jones himself, remains a mystery to this day as I honestly can't be arsed to find out.

The one I DID read begins with the TARDIS landing in the backroom of a seedy Soho club on Christmas Eve, with the dazed, newly-regenerated Doctor falling into the clutches of three leather-clad musclemen and strapped to the wall. Rose runs after him and manages to lose her blouse, before entering the front of the club and encountering a topless, oiled, muscular archaeologist called Ben who instantly claims to have become mesmerized by the club and forced against his will to strip and ogle topless women.

Rose takes Ben's advice and rubs baby oil over her glistening skin and suddenly Captain Jack enters, wearing tight leather shorts, and determined to rescue the Doctor – hastily explaining that he was interrupted in his job as a Touchwood test pilot when the Doctor's love for Jack "called him through the vortex of time and space" to lead him here. Oh, and also the planet needs some saving.

Jack fondles the Doctor and, er, stuff happens before the end credits roll. No, I will not tell you. Definitely not for such a small amount of cash. Higher, damn you!

All right, the rest of the story can be summarized with "...and the Doctor has one hell of a FANTASTIC time."

The author (ostensibly one Jim "Celery Soup" Varnish) was reportedly confident that RTD would read this and immediately beg him to write the rest of the series and the entirety of Touchwood.

He was wrong.