18 Death In The Cloisters

The Ben Chatham Misadventures:
Death In The Cloisters
(Of The Most Annoying Bastards In Doctor Who Ever)

Part One -

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor realizes that his companion Martha Jones has undergone a total change of personality. Her good humor, keen intelligence and gentle compassion has been replaced by...

"So... Martha! How about I take you to the year 5 billion to see a supernova? No? No. Well, we could travel back to see the birth of the Milky Way..."

"Oh, grow up, Doctor!"

"What? I was only suggesting..."

"You were trying to dazzle me with the power of your TARDIS. How very male. Kindly act your age!"

"Oh. OK. Ahem. How would you like to travel to the planet Zelos 2? It's on the outer edge of the universe and the aliens there wear coats of gold and have intereactive multi-channel television built INTO their heads!"

"Vulgar."

"Martha, you're not this sort of fussy bint! What happened to the girl I loved, the girl I gave up everything for? Oh wait, that's Charlotte Church. Never mind. OK then, Martha, where would YOU like to go?"

"Well, actually I'd like to go to Cambridge for the day, visit the Fitzwilliam museum before taking a nice punt down the Cam."

"Why? You're a medical student who loves the Corrs!"

"Never! That would be a Chav way of life!"

"But I've already done all that stuff."

"Try thinking about someone other than yourself!"

"Jesus wept, Rose was never like this. But... wait. No. Yes! No... Maybe. Ben Chatham was. Somehow he's got into your mind and replaced all the alpha waves with snobbery and absinthe! That's impossible! Which, speaking generally, is just another way of saying 'that's the only thing that could have happened'..."

"Are we going to Cambridge or what?!"

The Doctor sets the controls, determined to find the source of what is turning his new companion into a-1935-Chateaux-de-Le-Asture-quffing super bitch and then destroy that source in a neat CGI effect.

The TARDIS materializes in a Cardiff street doubling for Cambridge and Martha immediately starts bitching the moment they emerge. "Well, you could have landed a little closer to the museum! I recognise this street and it's a fair walk away!"

"Oh, stop moaning, woman!" the Doctor snaps, now certainly convinced that his companion is not the exercise-enjoying Martha Jones that helped defeat the Jundoon using only her star-jumps. "A bit of walking will keep you fit."

"I am fit and VERY slim - you are, no doubt, still thinking of that morbidly obese lard-arse Rose Tyler!"

Martha snorts like a horse and the Doctor idly sets his sonic screwdriver to 'brain scramble' frequency, then fights the instinct as it is not REALLY Martha being such an offensive fuck-knuckle.

Just then, a familiar figure rounds the corner.

"Oh, no, it's Ben Chatham! I was right! DAMN IT!"

Ben gives the Doctor a friendly hug while the Doctor screams blue murder and tells Martha to call the cops, the SAS, Ant and Dec, ANYONE! She simply studies her fingers and mutters snobbishly.

Two extras from The Matrix dressed in black leather shades and jackets watch on before a strange force grips their minds. Suddenly they decide to go and get wasted on absinthe and pull the nearest smooth-chested amateur archaeologist they can find.

Clearly, Chatham's evil power is building.

Ben explains he always knew the Doctor only sent him to the cybernetic equivalent of Hell as a prank and believes the Doctor actually released because everyone likes him so much. The Doctor decides not to explain that Ben escaped by a fluke and is now corrupting all sentient life into an army of snobs.

Ben explains that he's mysteriously discovered more and more people agreeing with him, dressing like him, drinking like him, and practicing dark arts of Those That Dare Not Be Named while ritualistically murdering people who eat microwave food and live in council flats.

"I told you I was right all along," says Ben smugly and the Doctor twitches violently as he supresses the instinct to rip Ben's skull from his shoulders and boil it in a sewage treatment reactor.

Ben now intends to head to the old, ruined monastery at Dertain Ceath, the village where he first inflicted his presence on the Doctor. What with all the Lucifarian alien carnage, there's a new archaelogical dig set up to find out what happened to the old one. Ben plans to go there and bloodily sacrifice what villagers he spared the last time.

"Sorry," the Doctor interrupts, "what 'old, ruined' monastery?"

"The one next to the 'new, rebuilt' monastery, obviously."

"Uh, OK."

Martha rudely interrupts. "I'm sorry, men, but we came here to have a day in Cambridge - not a day of archaeology!"

"I'm sorry, who is she?" Ben asks.

"SHE has a name!" Martha replies, kneeing him in the goolies. "Martha! Are you always so damned insolent, Chav-Lover?"

"Damn it, get a chiropractor about the chip on your shoulder," the Doctor snaps, before being given a bloody nose.

"Now that we understand each other," Martha continues, "I agree to accompany you on the condition we slaughter those of lesser social status as soon as we come across them."

"Jings!" the Doctor explains. "Ben, she's even worse than you!"

"Nonsense, Doctor," Ben sobs through the pain. "She's just a strong woman who cannot abide fools or too much clowning from eccentrics like you. She'll probably ease off once she's reigned you in a bit. Come on, time for pro-homophobia cerebellum-free murder mysteries."

The Doctor pales as he realizes that he is trapped with these wine-swilling alcoholic snobs!


Part Two -

Luckily, once they are in Ben's stolen car, a large black vehicle tries to knock Ben's car off the road. Martha deduces that they must be Chavs who refuse to raise their station in life, determined to wipe out their genetic and intellectual superiors.

Perhaps in reaction to this, the driver of the black car sticks a gun out the window and fires. "Get down!" the Doctor shouts.

"I am doing that! Don't be so patronising!"

So saying, Martha grabs the steering wheel and manages to ram the black car off the road, down an embankment where it promptly explodes for no adequately explored reason, leaving nothing but the smell of burning flesh and the screams of the dying!

"ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!" Ben and Martha scream orgasmically as the Doctor watches on with opened-mouth horror.

"Credit where credit's due," Martha sniffs. "I did well back there. I'm more than just a pretty face, unlike you scum. I'm a strong woman who takes no prisoners. I have a sharp, inquiring mind which is what everyone admires about me. I am better than anyone else in the whole world because I am a scientist with a keen interest in astro-physics and cosmology!"

"No you're not! You're a first year medical student that can't stand the sight of blood!"

"I am right and you are wrong, because I am not a Chav."

"Look, if you think I'm going to put up with this nasty piece of work, you've got another thing coming!" the Doctor snaps. "Where's the real Martha? The one who lets me do the driving and the universe saving stuff, huh? Answer me that!"

"You're being childish."

"And you're being a posh, boring idiot who has nothing better to do than tell people how childish they are!"

"Your cry-baby whining baby point would be?"

The Doctor quietly wonders if maybe killing this bitch might give the real Martha a blessed relief, but at that moment the car pulls out at the monastery where the monks are carrying out their traditional, simple practices of limbo competition, barbacues and remixing Gregorian chants while taking large amounts of LSD, speed and cocaine.

The Abbot, with his I'M WITH BROTHER CADFAEL -> T-shirt, welcomes them all whereupon Martha slaps him repeatedly and tells the old man to act their age.

Ben introduces himself modestly as the UK's leading archaeologist, most successful man on Earth, sexiest being in the universe to all genders and provider of more orgasms than Fabio and that all lesser mortals should bow down in his presence.

The Abbot explains that the dig's closed for the night so the Saturdary Night Fever competition can be carried out and offers the trio some hot dogs and kebabs. The Doctor accepts immediately, but Martha and Chatham tut disapprovingly.

The Doctor notes that these monks are actually Trapist monks and so really shouldn't be talking as they take vows of silence. The Abbot stares at him, sniggers, and then pales when he realizes the Doctor is serious. "Really?"

Meanwhile, Martha sees a passing nun reading a copy of Hello! and knocks her head off her shoulders with a karate chop and steals her outfit. The Doctor points out that nuns in a monastery suggests that the monks haven't taken vows of celibacy, either.

"Heh, you're joking. Right?" asks the Abbot hopefully.

"I am superior to you and you all have a duty to obey me and stop acting like Chavs," Ben screams.

"Yes, it's about basic respect!"

"Dude..." begins one of the monks before Ben stabs him brutally in the stomach and whispers:

"Never mind 'dude', just DO IT!"

Disturbingly, some of the monks agree and put on Bowie music before cracking open bottles of absinthe. The Doctor realizes Chathamness is spreading faster and faster. Soon, every life form on the planet will be cultured, male, educated people who swil lakeworth's of booze and thinks things are vulgar!

One of the monks pulls off his hood to reveal he is Jake Simmonds and screams that he has a first from Cambridge!


Part Three -

The Doctor and the Abbot hide in a separate part of the monastery reserved for visiting nuns and resembles a combined Amsterdamn brothel, sexx shoppe and opium den.

The abbot admits he was just a university drop out that joined this Benedictine order that lasted until 1530 when they all took up finger painting, coincidentally Henry VIII dissolved all the monasteries. It was only in the 1860s that Abbot 'Party Animal' Nathanial secured the funding to rebuild the monastery with illegal prostitution of a wealthy West Indes plantation.

Unfortunately the owner of the plantation, John Letch, took this rather badly and became a Black Muslim with the aid of an incredibly unconvincing accent and a jar of shoe polish. This strange Black and White Minstrel was later hanged in the ruined of the monastery by the king's men who "just didn't appreciate a good old Coon Tune".

The Doctor idly wishes the spirit of the Black Monk would kill Ben Chatham, and maybe the virus will end before they all become servants of the Army of Chatham.

Just then Martha kicks down the door and is disgusted to find them all hiding in the nunnery. "Act your age!"

"Act your own, Martha, or has the menopause come early? Oh, please, just SHUT UP!" the Doctor and the Abbot scream at her. "SHUT UP, MARTHA JONES! JUST - SHUT - UP!!!"

"Don't be so immature!"

"I know! How about we get back in my TARDIS, take you to some moon in some foreign galaxy, and leave you high and dry for the Venom Grubs to use as a bean bag? I'm a 900 year-old Time Lord, you're 23, now stop bullying me, you cow!"

The Doctor dives through a convenient secret passage and then trips over a conveniently-placed brick, as he lies there, dazed a Black and White Minstrel lurches out of the darkness...


Part Four -

The Black and White Minstrel is Jake who chants mindlessly that all chavs must die over and over again. At the last moment, the Doctor leaps forward and switches Jake's iPod to David Bowie's 'Heroes', stopping Jake in his tracks.

The Doctor muses on Jake, remember the good times with the alternate Jake, Mickey, Rose, Pete, Jackie and Josh the pet rock... He smiles nostalgically, staring into the distance.

The Doctor then knocks him out and carries him down the musty secret passage. At the other end he emerges into mass, carrying an unconscious, half naked and attractive young man.

"I can explain everything!" the Doctor insists.

"Tell that to the police!" Ben shouts.

"Aw, come on, it was the the evil Black And Minstrel - that's practically a chav! You're not going to persecute me for attacking a chav, are you?"

"As Saint Adolf once said," Ben agrees, "'He who scorns the hidden truth that all chavs are evil scum that deserve to die might as well ram ferrets down their trousers'."

"...is that good?"

The Abbot arrives and insists he will sends NONE - not one, absolutely in no way whatsoever - of his monks to get the police. Instead, they have breakfast. Brother John is already showing signs of corruption as he strips his shirt off and starts an in-depth discussion that 'demmed colonials' are just chavs by different names.

Martha shouts out loudly that humanity has far more important things to do than to worry about a load of nonsense about God and going to heaven if you read the bible.

The Doctor bemoans the decline of monastic virtues in the 21st century - more specifically, he believes Martha should take a vow of silence or he will shove rare orchids down her throat and kill her. She's lost her imagination, her wanderlust, her curiosity and her open-mindedness. The Chatham plague has reduced her to a demonic presence and if she yells at him to 'grow up' just ONE more time...

Martha insists that the Doctor is not using time efficiently and tells him to 'grow up man' and smacks him over the head.

The Doctor suddenly grabs Martha and throws her off the monastery wall. She smashes through the glass roof of an orchid house and lies there, with shards of glass sticking into her.

"How's THAT for efficient use of time? YOU BITCH!!!"


Part Five - The Children In Need Special with 88% more mysogeny.

Feeling much better, the Doctor wanders over to the archaeological dig where Ben Chatham has already reprogrammed the brain of Katie Ryan and transformed her into his panting, sex-crazed woman bitch. Unfortunately, he has not been able to do this with Charles, which upset him and makes him blubber.

"He's never wanted you for anything other than sex!"

"And you're different because...?"

"Because Charles was gay and everyone knows 'gay' is another word for 'chav'! And all chavs must die! ALL OF THEM!"

The Doctor, sickened turns away then the extremely battered form of Martha stumbles out of the trees, moaning like a zombie and calling the Doctor 'a sniggering numb-nut'.

The Doctor screams and pulls out a can of nitro nine, primes it and hurls it at her, screaming "JUST FUCK OFF!"

The cannister bounces off Martha's head and explodes!


Part Six -

The evil power of Chatham means the explosion doesn't harm anything but Katie does pretend to sprain her ankle so she can cop a feel off Ben. The Doctor decides, based on absolutely no evidence, that the evil power is a Chathamian Prisoner of war, the worst criminal in the universe, determined to impinge his own fetishes and moral code on the people of the cosmos.

The Abbot arrives and says this ouiji board shit is too much for him to cope with, it's all getting silly and they should piss off home. Ben insists that he has a partial degree in legal issues, and deserves oxygen more than common people.

Martha begins to beat up the Abbot, screaming 'HOW DARE YOU ORDER US AROUND?! WHO DO YOU THINK WE ARE? CHAVS? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? YOU DARE MOCK THE RIGHTEOUS ARMY OF CHATHAM! ALL CHAVS *MUST* DIE!!!!!!"

Suddenly, the Abbot agrees, takes off his shirt and agrees that all Chavs must die. The evil force has taken over his brain and tells the Doctor to stop being so silly and allow Ben Chatham access to the time vortex to get all the god like powers that will allow them to wipe the chavs from the face of time itself.

"How about we chant some Gregorian tunes instead?"

Martha and Ben start whacking the Doctor with shoots of bamboo. "WE SHALL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN! GROW UP OR DIE LIKE THE CHAVS!"

The Doctor runs off screaming and finds a secret passage linking an oak tree to the catacombs under the monastery. The Fulci-Zombie style army of Chathams lurch after him.

The Doctor turns a corner and finds... the Black and White Minstrell!


Part Seven -

The Black and White Minstrel screams 'No! You've lead those snobby ankle-biters here, you useless shit! GANGWAY!'

He runs off. The Doctor skips after him. The Chathams lurch after them.

After a lot of Scooby-Doo style mischief, the Doctor and the Minstrel escape up a stone staircase and through a cairn on a side of the hill. The countryside is silent as all animal life is too busy drinking absinthe, listening to Bowie and having guilt-soaked gay sex.

The Doctor desperately flips through a copy of Traditio, the leading academic journal on medieval monastic theory for some article on how to defeat the invasion of the chav-killers.

Unsurprisingly, Traditio has no idea and the Doctor throws it away.

The Doctor tries an issue of The Révue Bénédictine as an Old World alternative.

Unsurprisingly, that doesn't help either. The Doctor throws it away.

The Doctor pulls out a bag of jelly babies in the hope that might, you know, save the day.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't. The Doctor throws it away.

(beginning to sound like a Delta Goodrem song this, isn't it?)

The Doctor then realizes that maybe there might be another secret passage and takes a moment to reflect:

"Awww, brilliant! Those cheeky monks do a full rebuild but leave us this little bolthole, this senseless, crazy little damp bolthole tucked away down here. Humans, don't know what's under their noses half the times. Mind you, nothing against monks. Chipmunks or otherwise. Speaking of which how great was that Chipmunks greatest hits album they put out? Do you know I developed an entire air-guitar routine for that album. First up, right, I sort of straddle the guitar, try to freak out the judges, cos, you know, this is at a proper contest..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP DOCTOR!"

Yep, Martha's back.

The Chathams, lead by Ben, Martha and Katie lurch out of the shadows when suddenly K9 drops from a tree carrying a whirring chainsaw and slices Katie's head in half, drenching the cast in gore.

K9 laughs demonically.


Part Eight -

The Doctor runs off as K9 slaughters all the non-speaking zombies, before Martha grabs him, rips him apart and eats his CPU. "Only a chav would want a robot dog! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"

The Doctor flees into the dining hall of the monastery and, feeling the munchies, has some soup. Just then, the hoardes of Chathams burst in, but luckily the quality of the catering offends them! They dare not enter the room.

"This soup is foul! It's completely inconsiderate of these people to serve such poor quality soup!" Ben shouts.

"Agreed," Martha sneers. "It's supposed to be vegetable , more like water and the odd pea floating in it!"

Brother Jake points out he slaved all day getting the ingredients to make the soup, working his fingers down to the bone.

"Tough! The soup was disgusting! And so watery that I might have spilt some down my front! DO HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT DAMAGE WOULD BE DONE TO MY FRONT? THAT TOWEL CAME FROM FUCKING HARRODS!"

"And another thing," Martha buts in, "I have made it quite clear that I can’t eat wheat products and yet I still haven’t been provided with any decent substitute for this bread."

"What about the wheat-free buscuits?" Jake protests.

"You eat them!" Ben roars. "They're like pieces of slate! It's outrageous to expect Martha to have to eat food like that! SHE IS NOT A CHAV! SHE DEMANDS YOUR RESPECT! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"

Jake's sobs that he baked them personally are ignored.

"Well we’re not happy with this!" Ben screams and kills him using a hair brush and some KY jelly.

"DIE LIKE THE CHAV YOU ARE! MAY YOUR FOULNESS ROT IN HELL!"

The Doctor eats a bread roll and runs away very quickly. The others are too preoccupied reducing Jake into a paste. Only his severed finger survives, and it flips them the bird.

Mr and Mrs. Complete Bastard follow the Doctor as he flees into the TARDIS and flips open the console to reveal the raging core of the time vortex. Of course, using it will cost him his current regeneration, but the Doctor will sacrifice anything to stop the Chatham plague.

Just then, Martha breaks in and beats the Doctor down with a rolling pin, continuing to thrash him and Ben strides into the light, which makes his well with the tears of a thousand Radiohead albums.

"I AM THE BIG BERK! ALL CHAVS MUST DIE!"

However, the Big Berk is shocked to discover only one person in the entire created omniverse is actually a chav - an inbred history teacher in Colchestor called Mark Goucher.

Who disappears in a puff of light.

Realizing that his quest is pointless, the Big Berk retcons all of reality so he never travelled with the Doctor, leaving the TARDIS empty apart from the battered Time Lord and the baffled Martha wondering why she's holding a rolling pin.

...

Meanwhile, at the monastery, Ben finds himself lying in the grass as Charles, Katy and Jenna rip off his trousers, thrilled to witness Ben's silk-secured joy compartment, guarding his smooth...

Suddenly, Ben cries out in agony...

"What's wrong?" he's asked.

"Keep back! Oh, this is going to sting... You see, I absorbed all the energy of the Time Vortex, which you're only supposed to do if you have even the faintest idea of what to do with it! Every cell in my smooth body is imploding with shame!"

"Can't you do something?" the rest of the orgy asks.

"Of course I can! I've got a degree! ARGH! I'll just trigger a spontaneous cross-matrix warp-null field and revitalize my morphogenic field. But it means I'm going to change. And before I go..."

"Don't say that!" Katy wails, upset.

"Please. Before I go, I just wanted to tell you something..."

"Yes?"

"I want you to know something..."

"Yes?"

"Something important."

"Yes?"

"Something incredibly vital and amazingly interesting."

"Yes?!"

"Before I go, I just wanted to make it clear..."

"YES?!?!"

"That I got a first from Oxford!"

Everyone groans and rolls their eyes as Ben fouls himself one last time.

Suddenly, our protagonist convulses as orange energy explodes out of his kin like a blast of lava-coloured steam, funnelling out of his smooth, glistening skin.

Ben Chatham is reduced to a fountain of energy, pouring out from his underpants in all directions, the orange turning pure white as it streams away to reveal a flabby, bloated mass of elephantine blubber with piggy eyes and long blonde hair.

Adam Rickitt has become... Matt Lucas!

Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor, huh?

"Right den," the newcomer belches. "Dere we are. Ello, oi'm Benji Chavvord. Ooh, oi feel arl sticky now. Huhuh. Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no but I so totally learned that trick off the Doctor and it so totally makes sense and don't ask the fans anyway cause they're like such losers anyway, especially that Sparacus bloke, no one trusts him because he's really RTD, but shut up! Where was oi anyway? Oh, that's roight, Oxfard!"

The new Ben Chatham wobbles off to North Front 3 of the University Library, leaving all his/her former lovers to spontaneously vomit.

The END