3 Fool's Errand

2.2 - Foolish Gerald:

Determined to get the Doctor out of the house while she and Ben do the horizontal mambo, Rose orders to the Doctor to pop out and do a scavenger hunt on a space freighter in the year 6455.

The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS about the good ship SS Mysteriously Quiet and discovers that the entire crew have mysteriously dropped down dead. After running through various unlikely possibilities including improvisational comedy and salmon mousse, the Doctor decides that a deadly virus is to blame.

After a hysterical bout of hypochondria, the Doctor tries to flee back to the TARDIS as a marauding band of space pirates lead by the ill-considering Foolish Gerald arrives and knocks him out.

Back in the privacy of the TARDIS, Rose caresses Ben's smooth body as he explores hers.

Foolish Gerald foolishly reveals his plans to the Doctor, who has foolishly been left untied. Gerald released a lethal strain of herpes on the starship crew, which in a surprisingly sensible moment, made sure it was self-eliminating. Gerald is here with his band of pirates to steal the cargo of Space Nachos and sell them at profit, and also claim the insurance on the missing spaceship.

The Doctor points out that this leaves the damning evidence of the ship's black box, the Captain's Log and the message 'Argh! Treachery!' scrawled in blood on the fridge door to incriminate them. Gerald foolishly ignores this and prepares to leave.

However, Gerald's army of space invaders has vanished, leaving a strange curried egg smell where they stood. Gerald is put out, because he'll have to steal the cargo by himself now. Luckily, the crates are empty and Gerald is foolishly able to transfer them to their ship.

The Doctor meanwhile is not sure whether to be more alarmed by the strange force turning people into power or Gerald's foolishness.

Suddenly, a strange gaseous being called a Zelan arrives and, after making it clear and legally binding that it is not a Gelth, it explains that there was never any cargo aboard the ship at all. The freight company, Zelan Inc., stole it and replaced it with a canister of botox to send to another planet. Botox is a rare substance that allows Zelans to become corporeal.

The Doctor asks why the Zelans are doing such a strange thing instead of just heading to Earth in force and becoming corporeal there. The Zelans point out that this is their convoluted plot and the inexplicable murders around the ship are morally justified – even though neither the Zelans, Gerald or the Doctor can understand who, how or why Gerald's crew were wiped out.

The Doctor ruminates on the moral dilemma of whether to let the Zelans continue their horrible conquest of the known universe or get constant hate-mail for condemning them to permanent and embarrassing gaseousness.

He decides to leave this up to Gerald and Gerald foolishly agrees. With the memorable leaving phrase of 'We are not righteous avengers, we are not determined vigilantes and we are not stupid enough to hang around here!', the Doctor dives into the TARDIS.

He then immediately gets kicked out by Rose and Ben who have yet to finish their, er, 'oral soul searching'.

The End.