9/10 - Hospital of the Damned/Fire & Judgement

2.8 - Hospital of the... Cursed
2.9 – Fire Bad Judgment Good

Ben pilots the TARDIS back to Cardiff so Rose can re-introduce Jackie to the man she wants to marry. If Jackie has any problems with this, Ben will sacrifice her to the devil.

Adam and Jack wander around Piccadilly Circus and the West End - checking out famous places like the statue of Eros and Old Compton Street and wondering just why these things are in CARDIFF.

Meanwhile, Rose finds Jackie missing and, after a half-hearted attempt to text her mother, forgets all about it and concentrates on Ben's smooth, muscular arms holding her tight and stares into his luminous eyes and relaxes - letting him caress her.

Adam and Jack also find a scrap of newspaper which reveals that Jackie has been rushed to hospital after collapsing in Woolworths and has now been taken to Albion Hospital, a hospital in London with the worst record of alien invasions in Britain.

The TARDIS crew go there and Ben diagnoses that Jackie has a suspected brain tumor and she must stay in Albion Hospital overnight for tests. Jack and Adam get bored with this angst as they saw it all in Buffy, and decide to go around the hospital frightening patients by dressing as the Grim Reaper.

Before they even get the scythe ready, a patient runs up to them and screams at the top of his voice, "THEY'RE TRYING TO TURN ME INTO ONE OF THEM! THEY'RE TAKING MY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNDD!"

Just then, a group of the numerous sinister hospital security men arrive, beat the patient up and remove the brain from his skull with a straw. As Jack and Adam are not from 2005 Earth, they just assume this is how primitive hospitals work and get back to their mischief.

Ben, meanwhile, suspects that... wait for it... ALIENS are behind this weirdness and orders Adam to scout around the wards pretending to be a visitor while Jack puts on a white coat and pretend to be a medical student with a great ass.

Adam is almost immediately caught by another patient who grabs him and screams at the top of his voice, "MY MIIIINND IS GOING!! ARE YOU A DESTRUCTOR?! I'LL KIIIIIIIIILLL YOU! WE MUST FREE THE EARTH OF INFESTATION! KILL THE GUINEA PIGS!"

Adam thinks nothing of this as it continually reminds him of Buffy episode and, besides, he IS dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Jack, having ducked into a broom cupboard to collect a white coat, is immediately recognized by a nurse as a new trainee and told to deal with patients who are rejected implants and need to be eliminated. Jack agrees to help on the condition that he gets to do the bed baths.

Keen to check out the mysterious Professor that is behind this, the nurse cheerfully explains that the head of the NHS trust hospital is a Professor Richard Starkey, or Ringo Starr as he is more often known.

Yes, twisted by the constant criticism of his drumming skills, the last surviving Beatle – come on, Paul sold out years ago – has decided to restore the Earth to its former glory! To do this they will use pin-sized brain implants in innocent patients to create an army of 10, 000 suicide bombers to annihilate every last power installation on Earth and end the technical madness forever!

When asked by one of his senior staff how he has achieved this, Ringo explains that he gets by with a little help from his friends.

Luckily, Adam just happened to be passing this futuristic control room and has overheard the evil plan. He doesn't wait to hear that Ringo is being helped and encouraged by extra-terrestrials, but he just sort of manages a freakily accurate guess.

Adam finds Ben and tells him this. Slowly. Ben decides that it is time to call in UNIT, from the safety of the TARDIS. Unfortunately at that exact moment they are surrounded by those eerily-mysteriously-sinister security guards who promptly reveal themselves to be creatures absolutely identical to Biblical demons.

Yes, again.

Ben instinctively knows that these are intergalactic plundering bandits, the people-eating Cragora who have no redeeming features whatsoever and can be killed with moral impunity.

Adam wonders just how the Cragora can have discovered them and why flesh-eating monsters don't just EAT patients instead of this complicated manipulation?

Ben is too busy looking concerned to answer...

To Be Continued.

At the last moment, Ben snatches up a fire extinguisher and sprays the hideous monsters with foam in a scene laden with Freudian overtones. Blinded, Ben leads the others to safety at ludicrous speed.

Rose is briefly concerned about leaving her mother at the hands of the Cragora but Ben convinces her that Jackie is just another patient and won't be killed – and even if they do, who cares?

Unfortunately, this little conversation has allowed the "security men" to catch up with them. Jack runs off because he's not half as clever, brave or chivalrous as Ben and, seducing a taxi driver called Sid, flees back to the TARDIS.

Waiting until UNIT mounts an assault on Albion Hospital, Jack pilots the TARDIS into the building and rescues Ben and Rose. Ben contacts the new UK UNIT head of operations, Brigadier Harry Andrews, who is orgasmic with delight at meeting the legendary Ben Chatham.

Back in the hospital, Ringo somehow works out that something is wrong. Maybe because the CCTV shows UNIT vehicles surrounding Albion Hospital and troops attacking from all sides.

Ringo orders his cohorts to go 'YELLOW SUBMARINE' and start the master plan. Immediately, extras all across Cardiff come to life and advance towards conveniently local nuclear power stations. Ringo chuckles that he'd like to be under the sea in an octopus's garden in the shade.

Jack hides in the TARDIS media monitor room as suicide explosions destroy lots of power stations with massive death tolls. Ben is brave enough to pick up a phone and shout at Brigadier Andrews to haul his arse into gear and invade the Hospital.

Ben pilots the TARDIS into the hospital, Jack emerges, fires his gun twice and then they all run away as the Cragora slaughter the UNIT troops and any patients who get in the way. Finally UNIT dive bomb the hospital from the air and wipe out absolutely everything and kill any remaining unexploded suicide bombers.

Ben steps out of the TARDIS and crosses to Ringo. He tells Ringo that the Cragoras are total bastards who would have colonized the Earth and eaten everything on it (a bit like humanity, actually) and Ringo was a complete moron to believe it. Also, his drumming sucks big time.

Ringo is broken by the revelation and Ben laughs at his misery.

Before Rose can ask, Jack explains this adventure is set in 2005 so logically her mum must survive and Albion Hospital rebuilt for Aliens of London next year.

Jack points out that this adventure has wiped out most of Cardiff's population but Ben points out that sacrifices have to be made for the greater good and if Jack has a problem with that Ben will throttle him to death with a long, multicolored scarf.

The End.