2 War & Peace

According to a strange guy who sits in the corner of my local pub, The Dead Lemming, a completely different script was penned for this episode by a being known only as Sparacus which was thrown out of rehearsals with bursts of hyena-like laughter.
Surmised to me as "a gripping psychological episode full of myth and magic about something driving humans into aggression in order to divide and destroy them" and described by me as "less realistic and gripping than Tony Blair's Miss World entry form".
The synopsis is as follows -

2.1 – Warts And All:

The Tenth Doctor is trying to ditch Rose Tyler and her latest boy toy, nudist and devil-worshipper, Ben Chatham to the Tyler flat in Cardiff. However, a violent and aggressive owl guards the console, refusing to let anyone get any closer.

The TARDIS arrives in the middle of Stonehenge in the ethnographic present. It seems as if the owl has drawn the TARDIS off course
- but Ben is delighted. Using his diabolic powers he knows that a fresh excavation is being carried out on the stone circle and no one will comment on a sudden rash of pagan sacrificing of heathen archaeologists occurring during their visit.

Rose wanders after Ben, eyes dimmed with lust as the Doctor watches on, seriously annoyed that she prefers to hang out with "nudie boy" rather than him.

At present, however, two coincidental school trips visiting the stone circle have descended into anarchy. Dagenham's Sloan Comprehensive kids are attacking St Anselm's Private School students for a variety of reasons, many because they were looking at each other in funny ways.

Despite the efforts of SC's Mr. Statham and SA's headmaster Sir Jeremy Blythe, none of these hormonal, anti-authority pyromaniacal teenagers will listen to them. So, nothing out of the ordinary there then.

Head of history at SA, Sarah Jane Smith, suggests this sudden riot might be the cause of Jimmy Weirdo – a spectacled nerdy sci-fi fan who is shunned by both groups and is now standing on the sidelines laughing evilly as he wields a box marked HUMAN INTOLERANCE RAY.

Statham and Blythe tell Sarah to piss off and begin Greco-Roman wrestling. Just then Sarah spots a strangely-dressed man hiding behind a police box and realizes it is her old squeeze, the Doctor.

She rushes over to the Time Lord and, understandably assuming that the Doctor is causing this mayhem for a laugh, orders him to stop. The Doctor insists he has nothing to do with and, anyway, why the hell would a kid-hating, novel-writing socialist like Sarah want to become St Anselm's Head of History?

Before Sarah can answer, Rose runs from behind a monolith in her underwear and says she saw the Doctor first so Sarah had better back off. Rose then returns behind the stone where Ben is waiting.

The Doctor explains that his standard of companion has really dropped since she left and Sarah agrees – she knows about K9 as well.

While the carnage and death toll continue, Ben puts on his trousers (not his shirt) and tries to inveigle his way in with local excavator Professor Daniel Jackson who mysteriously is not going psycho like everyone else. Ben decides that Jackson must be cursed and stabs him through the heart.

Meanwhile, as Statham hurls a Molotov cocktail into the school bus Sarah idly mentions that mass fighting has broken out across... well, just about everywhere between different classes and races for no apparent reason.

"Well, you ARE human," the Doctor shrugs and asks for more information. Sarah cannot answer as most of the TV and radio stations are off air as the presenters beat the crap out of producers and visa versa. It appears Earth has been plunged into a world war.

Faced with this apocalyptic situation, the Doctor, Sarah, Rose and Ben decide to take over a local guesthouse (the proprietor and clients having murdered each other earlier that day) and try and hopefully sleep through Armageddon.

As Rose is sneaking into Ben's room to catch a glimpse of his golden torso shimmering in the moonlight and luscious locks falling down over his supple lips, she notices in passing an unearthly glow at Stonehenge through a convenient window.

Rose puts this down to a student bonfire (that is, a bonfire with students thrown onto it to provide solid fuel) and gets back to the far more important task of being shagged senseless by Ben.

Ben wants a more romantic surrounding and so they steal Jackson's car (which was stupidly left at the hotel, miles away) and drive up to West Kennet Long barrow for some occult worship and a quick game of "hide the sausage".

There they encounter Jimmy Weirdo watching them, as if in a trance and decide to put on a little show for him in order to get him to blink. He doesn't blink. His eyes glow green, but he doesn't blink.

Finally, the tired couple go to sleep, bored.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the Doctor has noticed the suspicious lack of bonking noises from Ben's bedroom and wonder if he's actually got carried away and sacrificed Rose to the great god Demnos.

Sarah explains that the body of Jackson has been found amongst the stones. The Doctor asks how Sarah would possibly know that, especially as Stonehenge is probably littered with corpses anyway.

Just as Sarah is about to explain, she suddenly realizes that the mysterious Jimmy Weirdo is an ALIEN!! A human-alien hybrid from a woman impregnated by alien spores coincidentally at the exact moment she was making out with her husband so no one noticed.

The Doctor demands Sarah tell him how the hell she knows this, but as a good journalist Sarah refuses to reveal her sources.

The Time Lord, however, can't believe such a half-arsed and haphazard alien plan to conquer Earth and why there aren't more Jimmy Weirdoes out there, helping their evil plan?

Sarah points out that they'll just have to live with the fact that some alien intelligences just aren't that intelligent and besides, Stonehenge is a powerhouse of alien energy.

The Doctor corrects Sarah, explaining that it is a medieval observatory that the Meddling Monk built one day for laugh – Sarah's sources have failed her. Definitely.

"Two words, Doctor," Sarah retorts, "TIME – WAR! Screw continuity!"

Shaking his head, the Doctor strides out of the guesthouse and heads for the TARDIS as Sarah runs after him, screaming more exposition – Jimmy Weirdo is using the power of the stones to make the human race fight each other and destroy itself in a war, thus allowing Weirdo's race to invade the Earth.

The Doctor laughs at this, pointing out that if America gets involved Earth will be reduced to a Spanish cinder, hanging in space – nothing for the aliens to conquer. And if Stonehenge is the cause of all the trouble, why was Jimmy using a box marked HUMAN INTOLERANCE RAY with such gay abandon, hmmm? And how did the half-human Jimmy, raised by humans to be a human, learn of his true heritage? And why aren't TARDIS travelers effected by the evil alien power?

Passing the sleeping forms of Ben and Rose, the Doctor takes a moment to admire Ben's naked chest for continuing on his way to the TARDIS.

Unfortunately, Jimmy Weirdo bars his way to the time machine. The Doctor wearily asks the child if Sarah's implausible scenario is true, and Jimmy confirms it.

The Doctor points out that as Jimmy is half-human, he'll be picked on by pure aliens for the rest of his life, so this invasion isn't going to do him any good.

The Doctor also suggests that instead of getting humanity to wipe itself out, Jimmy use the power of Stonehenge to make them welcome the alien invaders with open arms and happily accede to being their slaves.

Jimmy admits that this is a damn fine idea and jumps on the next stream of cosmic energy and is transported off to his unnamed race's unnamed home planet.

The Doctor awkwardly admits to Sarah, Ben and Rose he may just have spelled destruction for humanity, but is certain that Jimmy Weirdo will be killed by his alien masters for being such a useless dweeb before he can relate this amazing new scheme.

Rose points out that the aliens are telepathic and thus probably already know. Ben suggests the Doctor reverses the polarity of the neutron flow and have all humanity turn against the aliens but the Doctor decides the safest thing to do is blow up Stonehenge.

As this heritage listed site is destroyed by Nitro-9 and all over the world the few handfuls of survivors stop fighting, the Doctor turns directly to camera and explains the moral of the week - human beings are really nice as long as alien kids don't muck about with your perception thresholds.

The End.