BC Holiday Special I: Witchbone!

THE BEN CHATHAM ADVENTURES: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

"WITCH'S TIT"

As the Z-grade soap opera continues, we find out that Ben Chatham (regenerated into Vicki Pollard) had decided to ditch university and squat, rent free with his parents, using social security cheques and the profits from selling porn films of his former incarnation's smoothe chest online to other deviants. His parents, disgusted with his new blubbery form, have emigrated to Florence in order to avoid their disgusting off spring.

Ben's stalker, Katie Ryan is horrified to discover her obsession has lost all the cultural snobbery she's used to. The new incarnation is lazy and homophobic, always phoning people up for help rather than using his own initiative, constantly drinking and listening to naff music or even going to bed early rather than investigating, showing all contempt for homosexuals and only interested in Katie for her own outright hatred of gay people...

Apart from that, the new Ben isn't much like the old one.

It is the end of October, and Ben's total lack of other income - and the fact his parents are still alive - have forced him to add "kleptomania" to his freakishly-long list of vices in order to ensure ALL his possessions are ludicrously expensive. Now squatting in a heap of doritoes and increasing his body weight by an imperial tonne, the lard-arsed Ben Chatham infests a rural Wiltshire house.

Katie finally tracks him down, claiming to be in the area visiting someone or something called Avebury. There, she discovers Ben's beer belly flowing over the sofa he lies on, sucking up Merlot with a straw and flinging DVDs onto a hot log fire waiting for The Exorcist to get repeated on pay TV. Katie rants furiously at Ben that he should be walking abroad, hunting down chavs and gays and ringing Operation Delta and getting them to foil badly-thought out alien conspiracies!

"You're special, Ben! You're special because you're smoothe and the silent majority love you! Drink some funny smoky potions and wake up to the fact you've become an uncouth working class chav."

"Yeh, whatever. You done talkin yet?"

There is a knock at the door - and since they are in rural Wiltshire, Katie immediately assumes it is some kind of horrible alien monster used in pagan ceremonies involving animal blood and orgiastic sex. However, she is incredibly annoyed to discover it is just three children trick or treating.

"Come on, Ben, get over here and be annoyed?"

"Wat? Why?"

"Because you're a homophobic mysogynistic lying cheating lazy alcoholic idiot who hates children!"

"I'm comfy. Can't YOU do it?"

Sighing, Katie turns to the children.

"Look, it is totally irresponsible for you to do this kind of thing!"

"What the fuck are you on about?" reply the young sucklings. "It's Halloween. Is it irresponsible to have a carol service at Christmas? Trick or fucking treat!"

"I blame your parents!"

"For what? Letting us enjoy ourselves? You gonna give us any choccie bars or not?"

"No! Ben's childhood was a miserable drawn out orgy of pain and torment, so why should YOU whippersnappers be allowed anything approaching life? You need rules, not trick or treating!"

"We're just having a little fun! No reason to slam the door in our faces!"

"Unfair! You might have frightened old folk, you irresponsible little bastards!"

"Any old folk too long in the tooth to remember it's halloween or be able to cope with kids in fancy dress are probably too delicate to answer the door anyway, so your point is irrelevent," replies the kid dressed as a Cyberman in a surprisingly mature and erudite manner.

Katie replies in an unsurprisingly immature and simplistic manner: "You need RULES, mofos!"

"You can talk, you two stay up late getting drunk and watching horror movies! You're setting a bad example to us kids! Yeah, you've got like a hundred years more experience than us..."

"How dare you! I am not even thirty yet! And I am perfectly justified in telling you off!"

"Fine, but we're perfectly justified in whatever happens next!"

"Don't make me spank you bitches, now piss off!"

Katie slams the door in the face of the children, and cutting off the urchin's chant of "YOU FUCKING TOSSERS!"

As Katie joins Ben by the sofa, eggs start to hit the windows and explode. However, this is a regular nightly occurance at Chez Chatham since it is owned by the most hated snobby family in the solar system. Instead, Katie tries to convince Ben that his resolution of events usually requires him actually getting off his arse and making phonecalls so he can at least take credit for victories.

This confuses the new Ben, so Katie changes tactics and reminds him that despite the fact his parents are swingers that make Captain Jack Harkness look like a prude, Ben claims their disapproval of homosexuality is an excuse for all his total lack of empathy, people skills, and personality.

"You need UNDERSTANDING!" Katie screams, but Ben is too busy munching corn chips to notice.

Finally, the children outside run out of eggs and wander off, bored, hoping as the yolk dries it seals the house and suffocates the snobby layabouts inside.

This is ruined when Ben opens the front door in the mistaken belief it is some kind of walk-in fridge. There he discovers that the children have caught his parents' French au pair - Miss Chavhater the 17th - and killed the poor thing, dumping it on his front step. The urchins giggle as the walrus-like Ben picks up the dead animal with one pudgy hand.

Their giggles turn to shrieks of horror as Ben sinks his teeth into the corpse's neck and rips off Miss Chavhater the 17th's head. The children wail and run off as Ben chews the severed head, covering himself with blood as he wanders back inside.

Katie orders Ben to remove his shirt to wrap up the corpse of the cat.

"Why?"

"Such an action would be true to your character - plus, you can cry when you get cat's blood on your shirt?"

"Why?"

"Why?! The label on that shirt alone cost £300!"

"Fek that. Oi'm oongry."

Katie realizes she has a brief window of opportunity when Ben is actually moving and tells him to run outside and chase the children so he can slit their infidel throats and ensure their silence.

And so a long uninvolving chase scene occurs as Katie rolls Ben through the village and past a church. The terrified children dart into some bushes by the side of the road. By the time the others arrive, the children are too well hidden to be found. Ben declares the urchins have somehow vanished and he wants to be rolled back home so he can get fatter, drunker and pass out in front of The Exorcist.

Katie, however, hears strange chanting coming from the church and the missmatched duo head for the main door. Inside, there is a group of figures in black robes drinking blood from goblets and kneeling before an inverted cross.

"Meh," shrugs Ben. "Satanists."

Katie is delighted - these are the rest of her Gay-Hating-Serial-Killing-Psychopaths Anonymous Group who don't worship someone as male and pathetic as Satan.

They worship the one true goddess...

SPARTHA JONES!

At this point, Ben wails and decides to call the police, however, at that moment more Sparthaists arrive - a trio of hooded figures with scythes that mercilessly slash through the air in front of them. Ben yells and wobbles off for his life over Dead Man's Field. Katie runs after him, urging him to phone Operation Delta and claim the credit when this den of ungodly hell is discovered.

Ben, however, thinks that Katie is a fucking nutter and hides in a spinney of trees to regain his uncultured breath.

Suddenly a hand touches Ben’s shoulder. Turning around he is horrified to see an old man with dark holes where his eyes should be and maggots crawling out of them. Worse, he is holding out a tin mug and a sign saying 'LOST MY JOB, HOMELESS AND POOR'.

Ben screams "CHAV!" and flees in the opposite direction.

At that point Ben bumps into the local vicar who opens her mouth and grins - her teeth extending into fangs! Quickly she bites deep into Ben’s pretty white neck and Ben screams as he feels the blood being sucked out. Female vicars and deep penetration are Ben's most absolute of terrors!

However, the sheer amount of cholesterol in Ben's bloodstream causes the vampire to explode in gore, and the blood loss and exercise of writhing in horror have shrivelled up Ben until he resembles his former, smoother incarnation. What's more, his deep hatred of children, chavs, poor people, women, blacks and every one else in the world has been forcibly returned.

Ben sniffly rings the UN and orders them to bomb Wiltshire. However, he's still a bloke no one likes and his description sounds identical to an astonishingly unoriginal bad dream caused by drinking too much absinthe before going to bed.

"You know what, Prime Minister?" Ben replied "SCREW YOU! Not only do you diss me, but you also diss The Truly Sophisticated And Upper Class Union Of Smoothe Archaeologists Who You Cross At Your Peril - ALL IN THE SAME PHONE CALL! If you don't want to be leader of a true un-Chavish community, that's fine. Just go back to Ummagummaland or wherever it is you come from and peel some bits of banner and cry when the people you beg on your hands and knees to "R and R" rate it one K9-brand ballbearing's worth of craptacularity! What's that? I can't hear you - I AM IGNORING YOU!!! Jesus Christ! He put me on hold ! That make you feel like a big man, Saxon boy? Well IT'S PATHETIC. Go pick on immigrants if you have to! I'm ignoring you AND EVERYONE who isn't an incredibly hot young male with their shirt off, and I've also developed a split personality so I can ignore myself! I ignore the ENTIRE HUMAN RACE! Shut up! I can only communicate with you puny humans because your are so predictable I can guess exactly what you're going to say! Furthermore, Prime Minister, although my email is widely available, every single email address is blocked, activating a filter which sends abusive messages in german that take up 100MB of inbox space to all of your friends in your name if you dare try and email me. What do you mean, you're not the Prime Minister? I've dialed The Mai Wung Chinese Takeaway? Well, I'm IGNORING YOU TOO! GET BONED BY A WITCH!"

Katie is delighted to discover the true spirit of Ben Chatham still exists inside Ben after all this history changing bollocks, even though all the other BCSOAs never actually happened.

True to his personality, Ben throws Katie in a ditch and tells her to get a sex change. Her breasts mean her chest is not smoothe enough for one as godlike as him.

Returning home, the new Ben Chatham... slumps on the sofa and starts munching doritoes again.

Ben scratches his arse and wonders just what the hell the title "Witch's Tit" has to do with anything.