Thursday 15 November 2007

FFS, Sparacus!

Now, normally I try to keep this thread free from heckling the creator of BC, but this is a unique occasion, unsurpassed by any previous Spara action - from claiming he has the support of the silent majority, to insisting that School Reunion could be refilmed and remove Sarah, Mickey and K9 and bring in Ben Chatham as the new bloke.

But this... this goes beyond the pale.

I am not making this up, or parodying it: my sources swear blind it's true.


SPARACUS SAYS:
I have sent the following letter to DWM (Doctor Who Magazine), the sentiments within I'm sure are shared by many posters here:


Dear DWM team,
I would like to compliment you on an interesting and well written DWM 389.

Despite a continued over-concentration on the new series and the rather mundane Sarah Jane Adventures, the article on 'Destiny of the Daleks' was excellent and well researched and I have enjoyed the comic strip, 'The First'.

However I would like to suggest that you include some articles on Ben Chatham , if only a few reviews of his latest adventures. Ben is the most important Doctor Who spin-off character and I'm sure many fans would be pleased to see him featured in your magazine.

Yours, [Sparacus]

He has sent that to Doctor Who Magazine.

And Doctor Who Magazine, now under the despotic rule of Benjamin Cook (wait a minute... get back to writing about Big Finish, you git!), replied thusly:


BENJAMIN COOK SAYS:
Dear Sparacus,

Thank you for your generous praise of DWM 389. We put a lot of hard work into it, so your kind words are much appreciated.

Sadly, I have never heard of Ben Chatham, and neither has Nyssa the office cat.

I would ask around the DWM team, but Andrew Pixley is on a kayaking holiday in Aviemore, Sorvad is serving three years for credit card fraud, and Tom and Peter are in bed. But not together.

So I consulted Wikipedia, but no one appears to have heard of Ben Chatham there either.

I'm afraid I must conclude, Sparacus, that Ben Chatham is NOT the most important Doctor Who spin-off character of all time, and that comparatively few of our tens of thousands of readers would be at all pleased to see space devoted to him in the magazine.

I’m sorry to disappoint you in this way.

However, we've an extra eight pages to play with next issue, so I'll ask our esteemed editor, Thomas Spilsbury, to consider an article on Ben Chatham... if we decide to shelve our exclusive interview with Kylie Minogue.

Thanks again, Sparacus, for your continued support of DWM.

Ben (Cook, not Chatham)


Honest to god.

Only time will tell what in the name of God Sparacus will do now the Official Publication has spoketh (and these are people who are happy to post long forgotten comic strips about Quarks and Giant Wasps...)

--------------------ADDENDUM--------------------------

Sparacus apparently sent in that letter, and also sent it to the DWM section of OG (or the Doctor Who Forum to give it it's new friendly title). The answer as quoted above was given and the thread rapidly locked by the mods on the ground the matter was settled.

It now transpires that this letter has actually been published in the magazine.

The reply from the Official Magazine, Whose Comic Strip Is Canonical According To RTD Who Writes There Every(ish) Month?


"Er, who?!"


That noise you heard was the sound of irony. This blog's task is done, pretty much.

I recommend people check out the 350th issue to see the special letters column filled with all the insane correspondence Doctor Who Magazine - in some similar anniversary issue, we'll discover a reprint of Spara's pathetic gasp.

Is this some hideous feeding of the fire? Unless the magazine agree to write about BC, they've just very simple showed Spara for the nutter he is to their entire readership. They most likely have crushed his pathetic illusion far worse than I ever have.

But on the other hand...

Let us be absolutely honest here people - even if you LIKE Ben Chatham and considered him WORTHY of all this attention, the fact remains to read about him you need to either come here (a site devoted to taking the piss) or else sign up to OG and visit a closed archive of material and poke around for Spara threads.

Therefore, I urge all readers of this blog to write to DWM and tell anyone who's interested that if they want Ben Chatham, this is the best place to go - after all, does Spara's blog contain a wikipage explanation, illustrations, and links to youtube? No.

Come on people! Spread the word about Chatham Odyssey!!!

28 comments:

Cameron Mason said...

Here's what I said and if I get banned by the mods for this I really couldn't care...

Originally Posted by sparacus:

I have sent the following letter to DWM, the sentiments within I'm sure are shared by many posters here:

Oh no it isn't!

Originally Posted by sparacus:

Dear DWM team,

I would like to compliment you on an interesting and well written DWM 389. Despite a continued over-concentration on the new series


Well considering that it is currently shooting its fourth series I would be very surprised if there wasn't a focus on the new series...

Originally Posted by sparacus:

and the rather mundane Sarah Jane Adventures

What's wrong with it? Not enough text messaging for you?

Originally Posted by sparacus:

However I would like to suggest that you include some articles on Ben Chatham , if only a few reviews of his latest adventures. Ben is the most important Doctor Who spin-off character and I'm sure many fans would be pleased to see him featured in your magazine.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

When will you understand that BEN CHATHAM IS NOT CANON AND NEVER WILL BE!!!!!

He isn't approved by the BBC, Adam Rickitt isn't contracted to play him and he is far less well known than Professor Bernice Summerfield, whom I have subtly referred to earlier in this post.

You need a serious reality check.

Originally Posted by Benjamin Cook:

However, we've an extra eight pages to play with next issue, so I'll ask our esteemed editor, Thomas Spilsbury, to consider an article on Ben Chatham... if we decide to shelve our exclusive interview with Kylie Minogue.

And now we could (albeit jokingly) lose an interview with a talented actress/singer just to cover your pathetic works.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

You don't wanna get banned, Cam.

Trust me on that.

The rejection. The isolation. Being slagged off behind your back by the tiny fraction of those who ever noticed you were there...

Cameron Mason said...

I really don't care.

If OG mods continue to 'support' spara's delusions then it's a place I don't want to be.

As for anyone who wants to slag me off, here's a premptive "And so's your dad!"

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

I suppose so.

Mind you, Ben Cook seems to be acting very much "humor him, the guy's a psycho" mode...

Can you imagine Spara pestering your letters column everytime?

I just pray they don't give him Sorvad's page to spout his nonsense.

Cause *I* want that job!

Cameron Mason said...

Given that we have a Sorvad column next issue, I suspect that we may see something rather amusing in it...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Hope so. Matrix Data Bank's been rather dry of late...

Anonymous said...

This really annoyed me too. Spara needs to get a grip because he's really pissing everyone off now!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Wow. Ben Cook is a champion. He deserves the Gold Medal for Humouring Insane People Whilst Rejecting Them Gently.

And missed you at the Convention-y thing, Cam. The bloke they had at the shop didn't even listen to BF! All my Next Life jokes were wasted. WASTED!

Youth of Australia said...

So THAT's why you were crying...

Oh, and finished my latest BF spoof.

Bernie Fishnotes said...

Wow. Ben Cook is a champion. He deserves the Gold Medal for Humouring Insane People Whilst Rejecting Them Gently.

To be fair, you proobably need to be an expert in that if you work for an official publication of a sci-fi series. Sparacus is one of the ones who does it by forum, rather than crayons.

Anonymous said...

Ben Cook is not the editor of DWM. That is Tom Silsbury

Youth of Australia said...

Sorry, er, Anonymous (I'm sure I set the blog to let people use their names even if they don't have blogger iDs).

The last DWM I got in Australia had Clayton Hickman as the editor, but I believe he's moved on. So when BC (well, not THAT BC) replied, I just used my stupidity and general cynacism to finish the story.

Oh, to be on OG where such matters are obvious...

Cameron Mason said...

nAnd missed you at the Convention-y thing, Cam. The bloke they had at the shop didn't even listen to BF! All my Next Life jokes were wasted. WASTED!

I couldn't attend as I was rostered on at work. The roster had been altered several time to fit in everyone's outside commitments so I opted to take one for the team so everyone else could have a break.

There's always next time...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

On the plus side, people, I have that Five Doctor's spoof on the harddrive - and that baffling final shot actually involves the Fourth Doctor hanging from an asteroid...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

On the plus side, people, I have that Five Doctor's spoof on the harddrive - and that baffling final shot actually involves the Fourth Doctor hanging from an asteroid...

Yeah I downloaded that the other day myself with KeepVid. Good stuff.

"No Dumping USED Granddaughters in the River"

"Inside: Pages With More Text On Them"

"Your plot arc here"

"VOTE SAXON: Subtle, eh?"

Sadly, though, it becomes slightly less funny after 250 straight viewings.

Youth of Australia said...

Yes, but the cricket scene still kicks ass.

Did you see "Flight of the Darned"?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yes, but the cricket scene still kicks ass.

"Why'd you stop it at the best bit?!" - I couldn't agree with Colin more.

Possibly sad but I went through all the clips to work out where they were from - confused about one that could possibly be Tennant swinging a wrench around but is far too blurry to make out, and looks rather more like Steve Coogan.

(I like the final joke - especially since the pic is actually from Life on Mars...)


Did you see "Flight of the Darned"?


...no. Is that another one by the same bloke?

Youth of Australia said...

"Why'd you stop it at the best bit?!" - I couldn't agree with Colin more.
I loved BBC STONED being shown throught that sequence...

Possibly sad but I went through all the clips to work out where they were from - confused about one that could possibly be Tennant swinging a wrench around but is far too blurry to make out, and looks rather more like Steve Coogan.

That's Dr Tyler from Hand of Fear episode two.

(I like the final joke - especially since the pic is actually from Life on Mars...)
Yes, I thought at first it was Tom Baker (since I hadn't noticed him hanging from those rocks), but no, Sam Tyler with that bar bar across his eyes...

...no. Is that another one by the same bloke
Yes, up on youtube and it... it...

Oh, fuck it.

Squeee!!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Wow. Just saw Flight of the Darned and... words fail me. I can't even make sense of what exactly it was meant to be but it made me piss myself laughing. I especially love the way that Davison is only used for awkward smiles and double takes at all the madness happening around him.

Youth of Australia said...

My parents laughed themselves stupid at it, though they didn't recognize Alpha Centauri or the Rutan in that animated bit.

I noticed the plane made the same noise as Scorpio crashing when it flew into the TARDIS...

Oh, and DT copping a feel off the unconscious Kylie... WHAT?!

Brilliance.

Cameron Mason said...

The letter was published(!) in the latest issue of DWM!

*Engaging Tenth Doctor rant mode*

*Tenth Doctor rant mode engaged*


No...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No.

With this one careless act they could unleash all sorts of horrors on the world.

Doesn't anyone think anymore before acting???

The response in the DWM forum section where the letter was posted was the perfect response; it didn't need to be published.

Too late for that now, they've opened up Pandora's Box and unleashed the Chatham within...

*Disengaging Tenth Doctor rant mode*

*Tenth Doctor rant mode disengaged*

Youth of Australia said...

*stares into oblivion*

Maybe some good will come of it.

Remember that guy who emailed DWM calling everyone involved wankers, ordering them not to listen to the "stuck in the past" audios, and signed off with "Paul Cornell is GOD!"?

The nutter who was so disgusted at Christopher Eccleston's CASTING, he quit Doctor Who on the spot?

The insane fan who pointed out that Tom Baker should be in the comic strip, since he didn't like the TV movie?

They've often tolerated nutters like that. It's what they actually SAID IN REPLY that worried me.

Wait. Was in the main column or up in the WEALSOHEARDFROM section?

Bernie Fishnotes said...

It was in the "We also heard from" section, and was attributed to one "Mark Goacher", so his name is now in the public domain.

Their response was "er, Who?", which according to Mr Goacher means "Tell us more, so we can get Adam Rickitt into Doctor Who and then you can watch Doctor Who AND wank, thereby combining your two favourite pastimes!"

I've had enough of spara, but I'll keep reading this blog, just to see what I'm missing!

Youth of Australia said...

Does this mean I can finally reveal my sources as to how I first discovered his true moniker?

I have started work on the latest BC story (the "Kylie Minogue Is A Fag Hag Slut" one) which Spara is not brave enough to put up on his own blog. The title of it is "Winter of the Lust".

Meantime, there are some DWAD reviews to entertain you...

Anonymous said...

Nope Anonymous stll works

Youth of Australia said...

And just WHY are you scared of using a name?

Colin said...

Does this mean I can finally reveal my sources as to how I first discovered his true moniker?

Oh, please do...

Youth of Australia said...

Well, Col, my first explusion from OG (the other times were completely unjustified) came from me demanding Sparacus confirm his name as Mark Goacher (or Goucher).

A fellow OGer, for a laugh, researched Sparacus to a degree they discovered this information. When I used it, everyone assumed I was some kind of psycho stalker.

Ultimately, this third party proved to be ABSOLUTELY correct. My only reluctance to name them was fear they too might get booted out of OG, where their presence is far more needed than mind.

I keep in touch with them, and they have been known to comment on this blog. Indeed, this very post!

It is all academic since Spara of his own free will blabbed this, so my source was...

...is that the time? Ciao.