WHO'S THE PRETTIEST OF US ALL?
Ben wakes up one morning after a particularly unsettled night of broken sleep, being repeatedly hacked to pieces by Leonard Nimoy and other well-respected celebrities, all of them screaming, "You are NOT normal and you are NOT endearing! You don't give advice, you patronize! You are physically disgusting, and all your relationships fail because YOU let others down through your medieval ideas of 'standards'!"
"I'm a modern kind of hero!" Ben protests as she wakes up. "I'm likeable in a different way!"
Ben realizing she is in a Cambridge gay club, which has been renamed 'Zranti' in the hope she will not attend. This is explained to her by Lee Williams in eyeliner, who then calls Ben 'the dictionary definition of a sad tosser!' and smashes a fire extinguisher over her skull.
Ben finds herself locked in an outdoor toilet in Cardiff. Showing no surprise, interest or curiosity in how she got there, she drags herself over to the shaving mirror to admire her long, blonde locks and smoothe cheeks.
"Oh, god, why couldn't I still be a man," she sobs, not realizing she'd have to spell 'blond' correctly if she were.
Suddenly, a strange, malevolent, unseen force starts to laugh mockingly.
Ben frowns. "That almost sounds like some strange, malevolent, unseen force laughing mockingly!" she muses. "Must be the drains playing up..."
Just then, a strange Golem-type monster forged out of human excrement in the distinctive shape of Adam Rickitt rises up out of the toilet bowl and clamps a crappy claw around Ben's exposed bubblebut. With a girly scream, Ben feels herself being dragged back towards the unsanitory wooden toilet seat.
She struggles in horror as she is sucked into the dunny, screaming, "I am ALARMED! This is NOT normal!"
Ben is flung into a black void - one of those voids that has an invisible floor, like some kind of BBC studio, which Ben lands on very, very hard. Surrounding her are silver-framed mirrors, each reflection Ben getting the shit kicked out of him/her at various points through time and space.
Dozens of human-sized toy soldiers arrive and start to rip her apart like Dylan Moran's character in Shaun of the Dead. She hears the sound of laughter all around her, and realizes she is being slowly torn to pieces by Abby, Karl and her family; Fu Manchu, Aneka and Lokar; Tara and Chris Jennings; Living Flame monsters, in fact, every single main character from the Britney Chatham era is here, laughing at her as he skin splits, muscles tear and bones snap.
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Nice...
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Oh yeah, anyway, Ben's writhing in agony and begging for someone, anyone to help her, and then a golden figure floats out of the shadows towards her.
"Wow!" Ben gasps. "David Bowie! I just KNEW you were a cosmic guardian of all who pass through the outside toilet into the lands of eternal dreams!"
Bowie stares at her. "Uh.... no."
"Then what is it?" asks Ben, ignoring the strange sight of her stomach starting to swell before their eyes.
"Well, you see, you succubus," Bowie snaps. "No one likes you. You are beyond contempt and now even the universe itself is bending its own rules so it can take it's revenge on you, you snobby, alcoholic, self-hating little slut!"
"I am CULTURED!" Ben protests as her belly grows larger and rounder like an incredibly pathetic inflation fetishist sequence on youtube. "I HAVE A DEGREE!" she shouts as her growing stomach reaches large enough for Paul Kasey to be hiding inside the swelling orb.
"There are no degrees in my kingdom," says Bowie coldly.
"Well, then that just makes me EVEN MORE special!" Ben sneers. "And I never sang with Lulu, you sell-out."
"Don't call me a sell-out, bitch!" Bowie retorts.
"You're just like all the rest," the gigantically swollen Ben sniffs, admiring her finger nails. "Just envious of my youth and intellectual superiority. You know I'm better than you."
"Dear God," Bowie sighs. "You're even up yourself in the darkest pit of nightmares!"
Ben glances at her spherical abdomen and shrugs. "Like this hasn't happened before," she snorts.
Her gigantic stomach ripples, tightens, surges and with the distinctive sound of her pelvis and hips cracking, her gut explodes in a spray of gore, allowing TOM WALLACE to burst out of his mother.
"NO!" she wails. "A chav?! How could I have a chav as offspring! This is so embarrassing!"
Tom wipes some split skin from his jacket. "You think I'm happy about it?" he mocks, then stabs her through the head with a screwdriver.
Ben finds herself in a straitjacket, strapped to the floor of a padded cell, shaking with DTs and babbling.
"Some occult force is trying to kill me!" she screams. "This is VERY wrong! The time is right to contact the Doctor, return to the TARDIS and run away and hide!"
She looks around.
"Ah. Hello? Katie? Uh, anyone? Anyone got a phone I can use? I need to send a very important text message! I mean, REALLY serious! Hello? HELLO?!"
Ben does not realize she has been arrested for smashing up a Little Chef, deemed 'dangerously insane' and trapped in Bedlam, which was recently reopened as part of the Saxon government's "Tough on Loonies, Tough on the Causes of Loonies" initiative. Her plaintive voice echoes through the antiseptic corridors...
"Hello? Something dark and sinister is on my foot, GOD DAMN IT!!!"
THE END
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Am I the only one who thinks the cover is too good for crap like this?
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