FFS, Sparacus!

Now, normally I try to keep this thread free from heckling the creator of BC, but this is a unique occasion, unsurpassed by any previous Spara action - from claiming he has the support of the silent majority, to insisting that School Reunion could be refilmed and remove Sarah, Mickey and K9 and bring in Ben Chatham as the new bloke.

But this... this goes beyond the pale.

I am not making this up, or parodying it: my sources swear blind it's true.


SPARACUS SAYS:
I have sent the following letter to DWM (Doctor Who Magazine), the sentiments within I'm sure are shared by many posters here:


Dear DWM team,
I would like to compliment you on an interesting and well written DWM 389.

Despite a continued over-concentration on the new series and the rather mundane Sarah Jane Adventures, the article on 'Destiny of the Daleks' was excellent and well researched and I have enjoyed the comic strip, 'The First'.

However I would like to suggest that you include some articles on Ben Chatham , if only a few reviews of his latest adventures. Ben is the most important Doctor Who spin-off character and I'm sure many fans would be pleased to see him featured in your magazine.

Yours, [Sparacus]

He has sent that to Doctor Who Magazine.

And Doctor Who Magazine, now under the despotic rule of Benjamin Cook (wait a minute... get back to writing about Big Finish, you git!), replied thusly:


BENJAMIN COOK SAYS:
Dear Sparacus,

Thank you for your generous praise of DWM 389. We put a lot of hard work into it, so your kind words are much appreciated.

Sadly, I have never heard of Ben Chatham, and neither has Nyssa the office cat.

I would ask around the DWM team, but Andrew Pixley is on a kayaking holiday in Aviemore, Sorvad is serving three years for credit card fraud, and Tom and Peter are in bed. But not together.

So I consulted Wikipedia, but no one appears to have heard of Ben Chatham there either.

I'm afraid I must conclude, Sparacus, that Ben Chatham is NOT the most important Doctor Who spin-off character of all time, and that comparatively few of our tens of thousands of readers would be at all pleased to see space devoted to him in the magazine.

I’m sorry to disappoint you in this way.

However, we've an extra eight pages to play with next issue, so I'll ask our esteemed editor, Thomas Spilsbury, to consider an article on Ben Chatham... if we decide to shelve our exclusive interview with Kylie Minogue.

Thanks again, Sparacus, for your continued support of DWM.

Ben (Cook, not Chatham)


Honest to god.

Only time will tell what in the name of God Sparacus will do now the Official Publication has spoketh (and these are people who are happy to post long forgotten comic strips about Quarks and Giant Wasps...)

--------------------ADDENDUM--------------------------

Sparacus apparently sent in that letter, and also sent it to the DWM section of OG (or the Doctor Who Forum to give it it's new friendly title). The answer as quoted above was given and the thread rapidly locked by the mods on the ground the matter was settled.

It now transpires that this letter has actually been published in the magazine.

The reply from the Official Magazine, Whose Comic Strip Is Canonical According To RTD Who Writes There Every(ish) Month?


"Er, who?!"


That noise you heard was the sound of irony. This blog's task is done, pretty much.

I recommend people check out the 350th issue to see the special letters column filled with all the insane correspondence Doctor Who Magazine - in some similar anniversary issue, we'll discover a reprint of Spara's pathetic gasp.

Is this some hideous feeding of the fire? Unless the magazine agree to write about BC, they've just very simple showed Spara for the nutter he is to their entire readership. They most likely have crushed his pathetic illusion far worse than I ever have.

But on the other hand...

Let us be absolutely honest here people - even if you LIKE Ben Chatham and considered him WORTHY of all this attention, the fact remains to read about him you need to either come here (a site devoted to taking the piss) or else sign up to OG and visit a closed archive of material and poke around for Spara threads.

Therefore, I urge all readers of this blog to write to DWM and tell anyone who's interested that if they want Ben Chatham, this is the best place to go - after all, does Spara's blog contain a wikipage explanation, illustrations, and links to youtube? No.

Come on people! Spread the word about Chatham Odyssey!!!

Ben Chatham Soils YouTube!

The title sequence to the Adam Rickitt era of Ben Chatham Adventures (Operation: Delta to Dark Yuletide) has been lovingly created by all round genius Bernie Fishnotes and uploaded to youtube here. One can only hope that he creates the new title sequence for the Britney era, perhaps a shot of her lying in the gutter as You Blew Me Off plays in the background.

We can only hope.

Meanwhile, a brave soul carrying on the War on Chatham on OG, Johnstone666 has taken up arms with new animated BC episodes - at worset, they're better than the original...

Pilot Episode


Saving Private Absinthe


Twat


Dutch Oven


Nemesis


Castration of the Daleks

43 - Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

WHO'S THE PRETTIEST OF US ALL?

Ben wakes up one morning after a particularly unsettled night of broken sleep, being repeatedly hacked to pieces by Leonard Nimoy and other well-respected celebrities, all of them screaming, "You are NOT normal and you are NOT endearing! You don't give advice, you patronize! You are physically disgusting, and all your relationships fail because YOU let others down through your medieval ideas of 'standards'!"

"I'm a modern kind of hero!" Ben protests as she wakes up. "I'm likeable in a different way!"

Ben realizing she is in a Cambridge gay club, which has been renamed 'Zranti' in the hope she will not attend. This is explained to her by Lee Williams in eyeliner, who then calls Ben 'the dictionary definition of a sad tosser!' and smashes a fire extinguisher over her skull.

Ben finds herself locked in an outdoor toilet in Cardiff. Showing no surprise, interest or curiosity in how she got there, she drags herself over to the shaving mirror to admire her long, blonde locks and smoothe cheeks.

"Oh, god, why couldn't I still be a man," she sobs, not realizing she'd have to spell 'blond' correctly if she were.

Suddenly, a strange, malevolent, unseen force starts to laugh mockingly.

Ben frowns. "That almost sounds like some strange, malevolent, unseen force laughing mockingly!" she muses. "Must be the drains playing up..."

Just then, a strange Golem-type monster forged out of human excrement in the distinctive shape of Adam Rickitt rises up out of the toilet bowl and clamps a crappy claw around Ben's exposed bubblebut. With a girly scream, Ben feels herself being dragged back towards the unsanitory wooden toilet seat.

She struggles in horror as she is sucked into the dunny, screaming, "I am ALARMED! This is NOT normal!"

Ben is flung into a black void - one of those voids that has an invisible floor, like some kind of BBC studio, which Ben lands on very, very hard. Surrounding her are silver-framed mirrors, each reflection Ben getting the shit kicked out of him/her at various points through time and space.

Dozens of human-sized toy soldiers arrive and start to rip her apart like Dylan Moran's character in Shaun of the Dead. She hears the sound of laughter all around her, and realizes she is being slowly torn to pieces by Abby, Karl and her family; Fu Manchu, Aneka and Lokar; Tara and Chris Jennings; Living Flame monsters, in fact, every single main character from the Britney Chatham era is here, laughing at her as he skin splits, muscles tear and bones snap.

...

Nice...

...

Oh yeah, anyway, Ben's writhing in agony and begging for someone, anyone to help her, and then a golden figure floats out of the shadows towards her.

"Wow!" Ben gasps. "David Bowie! I just KNEW you were a cosmic guardian of all who pass through the outside toilet into the lands of eternal dreams!"

Bowie stares at her. "Uh.... no."

"Then what is it?" asks Ben, ignoring the strange sight of her stomach starting to swell before their eyes.

"Well, you see, you succubus," Bowie snaps. "No one likes you. You are beyond contempt and now even the universe itself is bending its own rules so it can take it's revenge on you, you snobby, alcoholic, self-hating little slut!"

"I am CULTURED!" Ben protests as her belly grows larger and rounder like an incredibly pathetic inflation fetishist sequence on youtube. "I HAVE A DEGREE!" she shouts as her growing stomach reaches large enough for Paul Kasey to be hiding inside the swelling orb.

"There are no degrees in my kingdom," says Bowie coldly.

"Well, then that just makes me EVEN MORE special!" Ben sneers. "And I never sang with Lulu, you sell-out."

"Don't call me a sell-out, bitch!" Bowie retorts.

"You're just like all the rest," the gigantically swollen Ben sniffs, admiring her finger nails. "Just envious of my youth and intellectual superiority. You know I'm better than you."

"Dear God," Bowie sighs. "You're even up yourself in the darkest pit of nightmares!"

Ben glances at her spherical abdomen and shrugs. "Like this hasn't happened before," she snorts.

Her gigantic stomach ripples, tightens, surges and with the distinctive sound of her pelvis and hips cracking, her gut explodes in a spray of gore, allowing TOM WALLACE to burst out of his mother.

"NO!" she wails. "A chav?! How could I have a chav as offspring! This is so embarrassing!"

Tom wipes some split skin from his jacket. "You think I'm happy about it?" he mocks, then stabs her through the head with a screwdriver.

Ben finds herself in a straitjacket, strapped to the floor of a padded cell, shaking with DTs and babbling.

"Some occult force is trying to kill me!" she screams. "This is VERY wrong! The time is right to contact the Doctor, return to the TARDIS and run away and hide!"

She looks around.

"Ah. Hello? Katie? Uh, anyone? Anyone got a phone I can use? I need to send a very important text message! I mean, REALLY serious! Hello? HELLO?!"

Ben does not realize she has been arrested for smashing up a Little Chef, deemed 'dangerously insane' and trapped in Bedlam, which was recently reopened as part of the Saxon government's "Tough on Loonies, Tough on the Causes of Loonies" initiative. Her plaintive voice echoes through the antiseptic corridors...

"Hello? Something dark and sinister is on my foot, GOD DAMN IT!!!"

THE END

...

Am I the only one who thinks the cover is too good for crap like this?