44 - Lord of the Reedy River

CHATHAMHOOD

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is indulging Abby's desire to learn how the time machine works, as much as a brain working in three dimensions CAN understand the workings of the ship. Thus, the duo settle down under the console to help repair the emergency teleport circuits, which have been broken ever since it accidentally summoned up Gareth Jenkins, Tegan Jovanka, a Sontaran brigade called Nathan and Turner and worst of all Jimmy Saville. The Doctor admits he smashed the circuit apart rather than risk that hideous being return.

Donna meanwhile notices a strange pattern appearing on the console monitor - as if the linear flow of time is somehow compressing into one big blob. It's screwed up and no mistake, and it seems that the year 2009 and 1242 have somehow bled into each other. The Doctor decides to set the TARDIS to visit this temporal traffic jam, leaving Abby to finish fixing the teleport circuit.

To her incredible amazement, the circuit immediately engages and with a swirl of tinselly CGI, a strange figure materializes in the corner of the console room. The Doctor immediately picks up a crucifix, fearing Jimmy Saville has once more returned... but it just seems to be a heavily pregnant naked Britney Spears.

But when "Britney" begs for the finest French absinthe, the truth becomes obvious:

BEN CHATHAM IS BACK!!

DEEP IN THE FORESTS OF ENGLAND...

LIVES A LEGEND...

THIS ISN'T ONE OF THEM!

Parte the First - Bored of the Degree Bragger

The TARDIS crew back away screaming from the bloated and hormonal Ben as she starts wailing about how horrible life has been to her ever since she stormed out of their lives in order to watch some Bowie concert. But now she's changed, she swears, and will be nice and helpful - as long as the Doctor gets her a sex change.

The Doctor dives onto the console and sets the time machine to Cambridge in the hope they can hurl Ben out the doors into the Mermaid Wine Bar, but the TARDIS is already homing in on the time distortion bridging the 13th and 21st centuries together...

In rural England, Ben Chatham (back when he had a penis) is driving under the influence of absinthe once more, when he suddenly runs over someone. Ben pulls up as a short bloke in a beanie runs up, shouting "Master!" and helping the young man to his feet.

Ben is irritated at this little man and struggles desperately to make eye contact with the beautifully-cheekboned, dark-haired young man. But the little servant shouts abuse at Ben, screaming that he is an idiot who should watch the road in front of him. The young man notes he's just bruised and tells Ben he can go fuck himself, before telling his companion Much they must head back to camp.

"But who are you?" Ben sobs.

"Robin Hood - now piss off," replies the anarchronistic outlaw as he limps away.

"You're not a postgraduate art student by any chance, are you?"

"A clue: no," Robin Hood replies.

Ben offers to take them to a theraputic retreat not far away called the Woodlands, where patient use painting, sculpture and group theatre to recover from being run over by alcoholic hit and runs. Much is interested when they discover lunch is free, but Robin refuses to risk driving with Ben Chatham. Ben is too busy brooding over the incredible coincidence of so many lunatic asylums in Suffolk and starts laughing hysterically and shouting, "YOU FUCKING FLAKEY RETARDS!" over and over again.

Much suggests to Robin they kill him and it takes all Robin's self control not to.

The two ex-Crusaders turn and walk off.

Elsewhere in the forest, the TARDIS materializes as sunlight gleaming down in shafts through towering trees. The doors swing open and the swollen and gravid female Ben Chatham is thrown out the doors by the Doctor, Abby and Donna who then use the sonic screwdriver to disinfect their hands. Ben wails unhappily, "This isn't the Mermaid Bar! I bet it isn't even Cambridge!"

"Be lucky I didn't shove you into an imploding nebula!" the Doctor retorts.

"But you don't know where we are? You could be marooning me in the middle of World War II or something! Do you have ANY idea how irresponsible that is?!"

Donna frowns. "Aw, can't the amateur archaeologist cope?"

"Yeah, culture boy," Abby spits. "Haven't you been to the 1940s before? We've been there, done that and bought the T-shirt." She invites everyone to admire her I SAW WORLD WAR TWO AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSLY T-SHIRT for comic effect, and not a chance to ogle her boobs. Oh no.

The Doctor steps out of the TARDIS and sniffs the sweet forest air. "Odd. We're in Sherwood Forest. Why does that ring a bell?"

"I know!" Ben moans as she struggles to get to her feet. "I'm useful! I've got a degree! Unlike Rose!"

"Unlike you, Rose was attractive," the Doctor sniffs and strides off through the woods.

"Uh, who's Rose?" asks Abby as she locks the TARDIS doors and runs the join the others.

"Don't get him started, girl," Donna advises her.

"Oh, I am NOT that bad!" the Doctor protests as they head off.

"Pines after her all the time!" Donna laughs. "Lovestruck fool."

"Aw, that's kinda sweet," Abby notes.

"Ladies, please, I have not lived 900 years to be dubbed 'sweet'!"

"Oops! Started lying about his age again!"

"Rounding to the nearest hundred is hardly 'lying'..."

Meanwhile, Male Ben is driving around the countryside, sadly looking for Robin Hood but not even he with his non-specific degree from some unknown university knows how to violently have sex with someone who isn't actually there. Idly he starts wanking in the hope while driving he'll run over another pretty, educated, gay male pedestrian, so he can seduce, get in the car and have sex with while driving, which means they'll hit ANOTHER pretty, educated, gay male pedestrian and so on and so on until a massive orgy takes place with busloads of sexy road accident victims...

Ben loses it an unintentionally recreates the old ejaculation gags from Scary Movie, and simultaneously the death of the fat guy in the first Jurassic Park movie, as the windscreen is blotted out with white gunk, blinding the driver, and so the car crashes into a tree and explodes in a fireball.

Somehow, the sticky Ben survives intact and stumbles blindly through the trees and walks into the ironically-named "Little" John. Or, as his friends call him, "Absolutely Fucking Enormous And Violent And Ugly And Psychopathic And Surrounded By The Dead And Dying" John...

John calls Ben a "great bloody arsehole" and their eyes meet, Ben feels an instant connection - in the form of John's quarterstaff into his pancreas. John repeatedly whacks Ben with the staff, as Captain "Saracen" Djaq shouts, "You want to go the Woodlands retreat? Apparently they specialize in recovery through therapy and NOT the hell getting hit by fucking cars driven by fucking arseholes, you little filthy wanker!"

"PLEASE!" Ben screams for mercy. In a refined way. "I'M NOT A FLAKEY!"

"You daft little moose," Captain Djaq sneers, grinding the heel of her boot through Ben's cheek. "My father several times removed rode with Saladin himself and butchered all the English arseholes like you, you dirty son of a bitch."

Ben tries to turn on the charm.

"Little John," says Will Scarlet. "I think he's having a stroke."

"Hey! He just tried to feel me up!" Allan Adale screams.

"Filthy English pig," Captain Djaq snaps, repeatedly kicking Ben. "You dye your hair too, you little girlie."

Luckily, Ben is incontinent yet again (DOESN'T HE EAT?!?) and the Merry Men run for their lives as the stench strips the back from the trees around them...

Meanwhile, in nearby Nottingham Castle, the Sheriff is munching on some venison and acting ridiculously camp. "So, Gisbourne... you're telling me that your men won't go out into the forests looking for Hood and his men because they're scared it will get dark? Is that a reasonable excuse? A clue: no! They signed the AWAs, you send them to work! What are they? Mice? Or even worse, women?!"

Sir Guy tries not to corpse on camera. "You don't understand sir. The peasants won't leave their straw huts after dusk. They're terrified of some strange demonic force looking like Lilith the Mother Of All Demons!"

"And what have you done about that?"

"Told em all it was Robin Hood's fault, and he conjured up a demon by pagan rituals."

"Did they believe you?"

"No. They all made farty noises and told me to fuck off. I am so lonely."

"Supersticious saxon knaves! It's probably just a wolf."

"Yeah, cause everyone mistakes a growly dog for an ancient fertily goddess of evil."

"All right, it's a wolf in a wig! Still, make sure you keep spreading it around that its a forest demon conjured up by Hood. The villagers are all against him now."

"No, they're against us. They don't believe a word we say since we invented the poll tax."

"Oh, fuck em, Gisborne!" A beat. "No, seriously, fuck em. You need to get laid something rotten."

"Sherrif Vasey... are you tryna seduce me?"

"Actually... no. You're far too Goth and miserable for me. Get me a cabin boy instead. God, I'm evil."

The Doctor, Donna and Abby stroll through the forrest whistling The A Team music to themselves and trying to ignore the Female Ben as she waddles desperately to keep up with them. "Look, have you any idea what year it is?" Ben gasps as her grotesque form jiggles.

"How should I know, you daft old cow?" Donna calls over her shoulder. "We told you, time's in flux!"

"Hey, who are you calling a daft old cow?" Ben wheezes.

"Jesus Christ, she's even worse than he was," Abby says, shivering.

"Are you talking about me?!" Ben demands.

"If we say "no", will you leave us alone?" the Doctor grumbles.

Suddenly a figure steps from behind a tree ahead of them. Instantly, half a dozen other figures emerge from behind other trees surrounding them. "You know, I could be mistaken, but I think we're surrounded."

"Who are they?" asks Donna.

"Bandits, I bet," Abby sighs. "It's always bandits. Why can we never meet any nice bandits, like Robin Hood?"

Jumping down from the trees is a disturbingly good looking man with a bow and arrow who strides up to the Doctor with a grin on his face...

"Well," the Doctor scratches his ear, "looks like wishes are horses today."


Parte the Second - A Pitch Should Have A Degree... Of Detail

"Afternoon," says Robin cheerfully. "This is an ambush."

The Doctor grins. "Isn't it just? How do you? I'm the Doctor, and these are Donna and Abby, my best of friends."

Donna ogles the outlaw. "Are you really Robin Hood?"

"We're all Robin Hood," says Much.

"Eh?"

"Not now, Much," says Robin quickly. "You're passing through my forest and a toll is required..."

"To help feed the poor?" asks Abby. "Seriously, do you like rob from the rich to feed the poor?"

"Not much point in robbing anyone else, is there?" Will shrugs.

"Guess so," the Doctor shrugs. "Well, you're welcome to what we have in our pockets, right you two?"

"Sure," says Donna, eyes transfixed on Robin's rogueish form.

"Aw come on!" Abby pouts. "This is daylight robbery."

"Eerily accurate and eerily obvious as ever," the Doctor replies. "Come on, Abby, it's Robin Hood!" The Doctor frowns and addresses the outlaw. "Is that what you liked to be called? Or is it Robin of Loxley? Or Sir Robert Hode - Uma Thurman told me that was how it was pronounced, but I think she was pulling my leg..."

Allan steps forward. "Come on, girls, hand it over."

"Doctor, what about..."

"Abby, do as the nice minstrel asks."

"Oi. Not a minstrel," Allan says grimly and is then put out when he is given a wallet, a cell phone, some keys and a packet of mints. "Er... what's this?"

The Doctor glanced at the anachronistic haul. "Ah."

"Ah indeed," Abby retorts. "You sure we should be doing this? Time travel and all that?"

Allan holds up the mints. "What are these things?"

"Mints," Abby says. "Make your breath smell nice."

"Then this is the most valuable things we've ever stolen," says Djaq dryly.

"Are you saying we smell?" Much demands.

"I don't have to say anything," Djaq smiles.

Much examines the bag. "Mince? These are seeds or something like that."

"They've not come onto the market yet." The Doctor beams. "They're nice though, try one."

Much opens one suspiciously and moves it slowly to his mouth, dabbing the end with his tongue. He feels a strange sensation and sees a vision of the forest spirit before collapsing and writhing on the ground. Instantly a lots of bows, arrows, quarterstaffs, swords and axes are aimed at them.

"Oops," says Abby guiltily.

The Doctor frowns and tastes his own. "Abby, these aren't mints! Where did you get them from?"

Abby squirms. "That nice Mr. Headhunter."

"The one we met in 1969."

"Yup."

"The one I told you was an unreliable drug dealer and not to buy anything off under any circumstances."

"You mean you were talking about HIM? Oh, my bad."

"Oh, just brilliant, Abby!" The Doctor turns to Donna. "How much LSD did you buy, Donna?"

"God he's gorgeous," Donna says, still staring at Robin and not paying attention.

"What have you done to him?" Robin demands as Djaq looks him over.

"He's in a fever."

"He'll be all right," the Doctor says quickly. "Just the mint was a bit strong! Come on, why would we try to poison you? You're famous you are, the people's hero! We'd never be able to hold ourselves up in high society otherwise, would we?"

"And it'd be pretty dumb to poison your friend right in front of you," Abby agrees. "PLEASE DON'T KILL US!"

Suddenly there is a shout and all turn to see Female Ben Chatham stumbling through the trees.

Little John screams. "IT'S THE DEMON! IT'S LILITH!"

"I'm not being funny but let's get the hell out of here!" Allan insists. "Look, me and Will can carry Much!"

Ben moans demonically. "Absinthe... need absinthe..."

"They think she's a demon," Abby boggles.

"Such judgement in ones so young, eh?" the Doctor grins. "Come on, Robby, let's get out of here."

"We're not taking YOU back to our camp," Robin snaps.

"You're not going to leave us to face that monstrosity, are you?" the Doctor points out. "Don't worry, we can hold your hand with out eyes closed if it helps?"

Much snaps out of his daze and screams, "I HEARD THE FLOWERS IN THE BREEZE MAKE CONVERSATION WITH THE TREES, RELIEVED TO LEAVE REALITY BEHIIIIIIIIIIIIIND MEEEE!"

"Much thinks it's a good idea," Abby says hopefully.

Robin scowls. "All right, but you may not breathe a word to any soul..."

"...living or dead, we get the picture, come on!" the Doctor enthuses.

The group scramble off into the forrest, dragging the screaming Much with them: "WITH MY COMMITMENTS IN A MESS, MY SLEEP HAS GOT A WEIGHTY BREAST, IN A WORLD OF FANTASY YOU'LL FIIIIIIIIIIND ME!"

A moment later Abby runs back, grabs the dazed Donna and hauls her after the others as Ben stumbles and falls over onto her fat, peachy bubblebut and is incontinent again.

"I'M JUST SITTING, WATCHING FLOWERS IN THE RAIN... FEEL THE POWER OF THE RAIN... WATCHING THE GARDEN GROOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!"

...

Night falls. The TARDIS Crew and Robin's gang are gathered around a campfire. Djaq and Will are tending to Much as he fidgets and occasionally screams some psychadelic 60s pop lyrics and Abby continues to appologize profusely for giving him a tab of pure LSD.

"THIS is your camp," the Doctor says, unimpressed as he strolls around the clearing.

"Used to be," Robin says bluntly. "Don't quite trust you yet."

"You're not worried about Lilith running here and catching you all then?" the Time Lord asks.

"Nor you," Robin retorts. "You're not scared at all."

"Who is Lilith anyway?" asks Donna, still staring at Robin.

"The mother of all demons," says Little John, hugging his knees. "The mistress of the Devil."

"Of course, some people say that Lilith was just Eve after she got chucked out of the Garden of Eden," the Doctor muses, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Her and the snake? Like that!" he gestures, crossing his fingers. "Some other people say she was really Tegan Jovanka, but it's easy mistake to make."

"But that wasn't Lilith," Abby protests.

"It must have been," Will insists. "No human's hair is that colour, and her skin was too shiny... plus, she was clearly expecting lots of baby demons. And she was talking in tongues."

The Doctor hops down beside the others. "I know, I know. But I know that that woman wasn't Lilith. Not yet anyway. The fact is, she's actually called Ben Chatham."

Everyone stares at him.

"Am I to take it as read you know of the smoothe scumbag already?" he asks lightly.

Robin tells the newcomers about the strange being who tried to run him over.

"Two Ben Chathams?!" Abby exclaims. "This is worse than when we met that busload of eccentrics who all thought they were you!"

"Not so much of the eccentric," the Doctor complains. "No, Robin, it's quite serious. You see, the world you know, Sherwood, Nottingham, Loxley all that... is mixing with another world. Like, uh, putting mead in water, the two sort of blur together, fusing. And things from this other world - which, before anyone gets started - is a very nice place, no demons or monsters or stuff like that - well, that Ben you saw was clearly from the other world wandering around here."

"You said Ben was the naked slut in the forest," Allan reminds him.

"Well, that's kinda complicated," Abby explains. "She used to, well, she wasn't ALWAYS a woman. She used to be a man. She sort of changed from one to another."

"I'm not being funny, but I think I'm going to be sick."

"Me too," says Robin, nauseous.

Meanwhile, in the dark forest, something is moving slowly through the undergrowth. It sniffs the air then moves on. Slowly it pushes by bramble until it finds an opening. It sees Donna's back as she sits by the fire. Steadily it prepares to pounce, its eyes widening and its fingers extending, but then it violently breaks wind. The wider group look up at the noise and the Male Ben Chatham slinks off back into the undergrowth...


Parte the Third - Canned Laughter Adds A Sense Of Comic Interlude To What Might Otherwise Be A Dark Story

Meanwhile, in Nottingham, a solitary knight clad all in armour as knights often are approaches the castle. As it reaches the drawbridge it is met by the Sheriff's guards. When they refuse it entry, he pulls out a silver phaser device and kills them. The knight strides into the castle......

Back at the campfire, Abby chats to Little John and tries to cheer up the big guy while the Doctor easily wins half of Allan's ill-gotten gains thanks to being better at the "which cup is the ball under game", and Much is recovered enough to be aware of what is going on, but still uncontrollably hums Chumpbawamba to himself.

However, Robin is subdued and Donna finally gets the courage to talk to him. "You always this quiet?"

"Yeah," Robin shrugs.

"And do you always look so sad?"

"You and your friends seem to know a lot about me."

"Well, just some stories. You're this really great guy who fights evil King John and steals from him to give money to the poor until King Richard comes back and he lets you marry Maid Marion."

Robin shakes his head. "How do you know about Marion?"

Donna shrugs. "Just a lot of stories. You've become a bit of a legend, er, in the world I come from."

"Do your legends tell what's happening to Marion right now?"

"I'm not really that up to date."

"She's in Nottingham Castle, with the Sheriff and Sir Guy of Guisborne."

"Oh right. I guess she's not there out of choice then?"

"No. And the longer she stays there, the more chance Guisborne gets to court her... attention."

Donna sighs. "All the good ones are taken."

"What?"

"Well, you love her, don't you? And she loves you, so she's not going to drop everything for Guisborne, is she?"

"She may not have a choice!"

"Well, don't sit around being miserable, go and rescue her?"

"We need a plan."

"Then think of one!"

"That's what I'm doing!"

"So what's the problem?"

Robin laughs and shakes his disbelief. "You always like this?"

"See? You're smiling now. The Doctor's great at this sort of thing, breaking into castles and that... hey, where's Friar Tuck?"

"Who?"

"You know? The monk guy?"

"No monk with us. Not very popular, with their war against the Saracen."

"Oh yeah. Somethings never change, eh?"

The first rays of dawn slice through the gloom. "Right!" the Doctor leaps to his feet. "We need to resolve the time streams and deal with whatever it is that comes from the river. And I know just the person to do it."

"You mean you, right?" Djaq asks, unsurprised.

"OH, YES! Just call me Catweazle the Magician!"

"Why?" asks Little John.

"No real reason, I just love being called that! TO LOXLEY!"

Meanwhile, at Nottingham Castle, the Sheriff and Guy are having an enforced audience with the solitary knight.

"I HAEV COME 2 THES SHABY LITLE ARCHIETCTURAL RESRT 2 ASK FOR UR PUNY MAEL ASISTANC3!1!!!!111 OMG I NED STRONG EXP3NDABLE AND OTHARWIES WORTHL3S M3N 2 ADEE MAH CAUES AND IN R3TURN U PATHATIC W3AKLINS WIL B OFER3D WEAPONS!1!11 WTF W3APONS MORE ADVANCED TAHT ANYTHNG U BAKWARD PIG-FAECD MORONS CUD UNDERSTAND!1!!1"

"And just who exactly are you, Sir Knight?" growls the Sherrif, replacing his unlucky tooth.

"IM KNOWN AS TEH DARK LORD BUT U MAY ADRES MAH MAGNIFIECNCE AS...........11!1 OMG SPARTHA JON3S!!!!!!!!!!OMG"


Parte the Fourth - One Of Our Errol Flyns Is Missing!

"Spartha... Jones?" echoes Vasey, unimpressed. "If you are so powerful, why do you need us."

"DO NOT QU3STION ME U PUNY MAEL!"

"Oh, I shall, Missy!" says the Sherriff, whipping out a blade from hammerspace. "And you've scared all my villagers so I can't get a decent day's work out of them and slaughtered my soldiers? Why shouldn't I cut off that ugly dark head of yours for the sheer hell of it?"

"HOW VULGAR!11!!1!1! OMG WTF LOL U HAEV NO CHOIEC BUT 2 ANTER OUR D3AL!!!!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL"

"Why have a deal anyway?" asks Guy, folding his arms. "Why not just take what you want?"

"KINDLEY DO NOT CONFUES M3 WIT ANY OTHER ALEIN WARMONGERS U HAREY PHALUS WIT A BODY HANGNG OF IT!11!! OMG WTF U WIL OBY MA B/C IM SUP3RIOR!!!1!1! OMG WTF LOL"

"I only serve Prince John!" Vasey announces before breaking up in laughter. "Oh, who am I kidding? All right, Missy, we'll provide you with slave labor. Payment in advance."

"HOW VARY DAIR U?!?"

Vasey holds up the phaser. "I don't know what barbaric place you come from, Missy. But it's time you learned that you're nothing more than a leper here... and lepers tend to lose their limbs!"

Outside the hall, Marion is practicing Avengers poses while dressed as the Night Watchman famous Celtic ballad singer. She hears the sound of laser fire, explosions and Spartha screaming "DO U MIND?!?"

"This is just messed up," she sighs and escapes the castle with such ease I cannot be arsed describing it.

Meanwhile, the Female Ben Chatham (hereafter referred to as Britney) is waddling aimlessly through the forest, occasionally being sick on a tree when she bumps into her former incarnation, Male Ben Chatham (hereafter referred to as Ben).

"You!" Britney exclaims with delight.

"Er! An unsmoothe naked woman!" Ben sneers in disgust. "Stop fouling my sight!"

"Wait! Ben Chatham, I am no mere ovary-possessing slut! I am you in the future?"

"You? Ben Chatham? You are an imposter! And a very unconvincing one!"

"I am from the future," Britney explains, "where something terrible happens to you to turn you into this hideous overfertile form that can only expect litters of chavs!"

"LIAR!" Ben screams. "Now I know you are a liar and an imposter!"

"How can I make you listen to reason? I am trying to help you?"

"Well, if you ARE me," Ben says, folding his arms, "you should know that I'm far too intelligent to be tricked by mere word games!

"But you've travelled back almost a thousand years to the time of Robin Hood, so surely it's possible for me to travel from YOUR future as well! A future where we lack even the ability to make creases in bedsheets!"

Ben isn't impressed: "I doubt it. More like some psycho fan girlfriend!"

"But I have a degree and would never indulge in such pointless activities! And so would you if you were in my position!"

"Don't argue, woman. That said, you have a point."

"You dismiss others' ideas and steal them as your own. How I've missed that!" Britney sobs and idly sucks on her breast. Ben looks like he's going to be sick. "What?" she asks. "Oh, right. Yes, I lactate absinthe nowadays. One comfort."

"How can you prove you're not really some kind of illegitimate daughter of mine that should have been strangled at birth?" Ben demands.

"We summon the Reality Patrol," Britney replies smugly. "Please engage your brain before your mouth."

Ben's eyes bug out in fury. "No estrogen-caked whore DARES talk to me like that!"

So saying, the Two Chathams start to have an incredibly pathetic girly slap fight.

At the river, the Doctor is swigging from a ram's horn as his companions and the outlaws look around the reedy riverside. "Ah, trusty mead! Who needs recreational drugs when you've got a metabolism like mine, eh?" he asks Abby and Donna.

"Uh, Witchhazel?" Donna asks.

"CATWEAZLE!"

"Whatevah. What are we looking for in the undergrowth?"

"Oh, many things - footprints, bodies, spaceships. Who knows?" the Doctor says. "Aye, tis the spirits of Touchwood my familiar, aye!"

"I think he wants us to see if anything else from 2012 has ended up here," Abby translates.

"Well, why doesn't he say so?"

"Oh, and be on the look out for anything brown and furry!" the Doctor calls. "I have a feeling that that something like that is here, crawling in and out of the water!"

"Would that be the brown fur on that little bit of the bank that's worn away?" Will asks.

"Maybe," the Doctor says, pocking his ram's horn.

However as they gaze at the worn away bank, something stirs benieth the water and emerges, dressed in a Hawiian shirt and wearing costume jewelry. Donna screams.

"What is it?!" Much wails.

"It's... Johnny Vegas," Abby identifies, gobsmacked. "He must have fallen through time!"

"There's only one thing to do in a situation like this," the Doctor muses.

"RUN!" Robin shouts and they all scarper.

"I wanted to say that," the Doctor grumbles and skulks after the others as Johnny falls drunkenly into the water again and sinks without trace. There is the sound of canned audience laughter from a broken iPod lying on the shore.

In the forest, a tall, black-capedfigure with a black and white mask similar to a skull appears before the Chathams, backlit and with smoke curling around his ankles. He booms thenext line out with, curiously, a slight Scottish accent.

"BENJAMIN JAMES SEBASTIAN JAMES CHATHAM! HEED THESE WORDS! YOU HAVE LIVED AN UNWORTHY LIFE, EVEN YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE IS WITHOUT WORTH! YOU WILL BE SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM TIME AND REPLACED BY A SPERN THAT DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE!"

"Actually we wanted you to settle an argument."

"... YOU WHAT?"

"Yes," Ben continues. "I want you to establish whether or not Pregnant Peggy there is really me."

"WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, JERRY SPRINGER?"

"Kindly don't bring chavish matters like that into this," Britney pouts. "This is serious."

"AREN'T YOU BRITNEY SPEARS?"

"No! Now lift your helmet and prove it!"

"IN MY OWN TIME, BITCH!" the Inquisitor growls. "RIGHT," he adds two minutes later. "PREPARE TO BE JUDGED!" So saying, it lifts its visor to reveal the face of... Britney Chatham!

"I am Ben Chatham. After my smoothe chest was damaged beyond repair I used alien technology to regenerate my form," the faux Britney announces. "Instead it created this female body instead. Since I was given this new chance, I have in no way attempted to enlighten myself about the fact women have the place and chavs are not inherently worthless. I have not cared for the child I gave birth to, or attempted to make any contribution to the common good no matter how small."

The Inquisitor lowers his helment. "EEWWWWWWW!"

Ben stares at Britney in horror. "You... are ME?! I get reduced to a peniless, pregnant retrobate with no home, no friends, nothing, left wandering around Sherwood forrest!"

"NORMALLY THIS IS WHEN I WOULD JUDGE YOU UNWORTHY AND REMOVE YOU," the Inquisitor continues in the background. "BUT ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING KIND OF NAUSEOUS. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU."

"It's not like I PLANNED for this to happen!" Britney shouts at Ben. "YOU were the one stupid enough not to listen to the Doctor and muck about with the lightning globe!"

"And YOU'VE been nothing BUT stupid ever since apparently."

The Inquistor lifts its visor and throws up. "YEAH. MAYBE I'LL TAKE TOMORROW OFF..."

"I've had to put up with stuff you wouldn't believe!" Britney shouts as the newcomer vanishes.

"So have I!" Ben retorts.

"What?!" Britney exclaims. "I experienced all that too!"

"I've encountered the evil WOMAN!"

"I've encountered the evil WOMAN turned into Spartha Jones working WITH the Wine Peddler!"

"Cyber-criminals programmed to rob banks!"

"Zombie teenagers filling up football stadiums!"

Ben folds his arms. "I saved Hitler as a baby!"

Britney snorts. "I seduced Hitler as an adult!"

"Living fire demons!"

"Giant ferocious wood voles!"

"Hideous alien Zelans!"

"Hideous alien Zanto Worms!"

"Ringo Starr and the Cragora running a worldwide conspiracy!"

"KYLIE MINOGUE and PIGBIN JOSH running a DOOMSDAY CULT!!"

Beat.

"Really?" asks Ben, amazed.

Meanhwile, Robin leads the others back to their real, nifty, ultra-disguised hideout available as a toy playset from Lego. Instantly the Doctor is collecting two pounds off Donna and Abby as he wins the bet he'd get the famous outlaw to trust them that much before the day was out. However, they are startled to bump into Maid Marion.

"Woah," Abby blinks. "Emma Peel!"

"I thought they didn't have makeup back then?" asks Donna confused.

"No," the Doctor concedes, "but then we ARE dealing with time and space imploding. She probably bumped into an Avon lady up at Durram."

Marion insists to absolutely everyone in the camp that she has only fled Nottingham to tell them of the strange devilish arrival there, and NOT because she fancies Robin.

"Seriously," Donna asks, "do you really think anyone believes that?"

Elsewhere in the forrest, the two Chathams are chewing the breeze, telling of their exploits much to the amusement of precisely no one.

"So, after James got eaten by a giant rat rather than spend time with me, and Karl turned out to be a psychopathic Nazi mass murderer, I tried to go back to Katie," Britney sighs. "She tried to give me a sex change, but soon lost interest and now hangs around a chav called Tom Wallace. Who's my son, by the way."

"Surely there must be SOME boyfriends!" Ben protests.

"Oh yeah. But, well, they don't hang around. The last one Anselm, pissed off with Kylie Minogue."

"Well, theres no way your texting the selfish cunt again when this is over!"

"You're right! He's not worthy of our love!"

"Precisely!"

Britney shrugs. "Ben, you don't you think we expect too much from our sex slaves, do we?"

"I assume those filthy girly hormones are making you talk such gibberish," Ben sneers. "As if a woman like you would know anything about relationships! Now, we should instead get a new boyfriend. This Robert of Loxley you mention..."

Britney sighs. "He's too busy moping about Lady Marion. Apparently she's trapped in a dungeon by Sir Guy of Guisborne."

"Why? I'd imagine it's already too late, he's probably slept with her already. I suggest Robin focus on the more serious matters like confronting his shameful homosexuality."

"It's worse than that - he's convinced he's straight! Oh, it makes your beautiful dark eyes fill with tears..."

"It makes me sick," growls Ben. "I bet the slut has got him wrapped around her little finger."

"Oh! AANH!! UH! Uooom!" groans Britney as her stomach jolts.

Ben spares her a glance. "Are you all right?"

"Do I look alright? I can't stop thinking about Robin. You know he was offered the chance to remain Lord of Loxley and could have stayed there if it weren't for all the poor chavs wanted him to help them. I bet he resents them for making him an outlaw. The selfish bastards."

"That is correct," Ben agrees. "If we destroy all the poor and hungry, all we need to do then is get rid of that whore Marion and those beautiful dark cheekbones will be ours! ALL OURS!"

"But how are we going to destroy the chavs of Nottingham?" asks Britney helplessly.

Ben smiles like a dork being vaguely sinister. "It is time the Sherrif and I had a chat..."


Parte the Fifth - Personally I Think It's One Of The Wittiest Parts Of The Story But Then I Would, Because I Am Nothing More Than A Diseased Tool

At Nottingham Castle, the Sheriff and Sir Guy are trying to translate the text speak of their android visitor. Suddenly the doors to the great hall burst open to reveal the revolting Chatham twins in their nude glory!

Gisbourne and the Sheriff reel back in horror - only the latter is just camping it up.

"What in God's name is that?" Gisbourne utters.

The Chathams eye them haughtily. "Sheriff of Nottingham!" Ben booms impressively.

"We are from your future -"

"Boring."

"And we have the secret of..."

"Not interested."

"...Robin Hood's camp."

The two medieval misfits triple take, but the future visitors have already spotted the android in the corner.

"BN!!!11! OMG LOL!"

"Sparthabot!"

"Sparthabot?"

"Ben!"

"BN!!!11! OMG LOL"

"Ben?"

"Sparthabot?"

(NB - this goes on for a while.)

Elsewhere, Allan Adale and Little John are leading the TARDIS crew through the trees towards where they first encountered Ben Chatham. They take along Much, who is almost but not quite fully recovered from the LSD, and still tends to burst into inappropriately anachronistic song every now and again.

"What exactly are we looking for?" asks Allan.

"If I knew exactly what it was, we wouldn't need to look, would we?" the Doctor points out. "Somehow the flow of time itself is being distorted. Tomorrow isn't happening tomorrow, it's happening right now. Some kind of temporal paradox..."

"Like maybe Culture Boy being in two different people in the same time?" Donna offers dryly.

"Always knew that loser would be the sign of the apocalypse," Abby agrees.

"But who is Ben Chase em anyway?" Allan demands. "I mean, I'm not being funny or anything, but he's definitely a girl. And I mean definite. It's not like Djaq, is it?"

"It's a long story, mostly nauseating," the Doctor explains. "Suffice it to say Ben started off as boy, then tampered with something he shouldn't have, and it turned him into a girl."

"And it hasn't improved his personality at all," Abby grumbles.

"Unbelievable," says Allan, shaking his head.

"Wait a minute," Donna frowns. "Didn't we explain all that to you before?"

"I still don't buy it. Hang on, if that blonde lass was Ben and she arrived here with you, how come the villagers have been seeing her lumbering around the place for ages."

The Doctor sighs, stops, and turns to face Allan. "How did Ben get here in the first place?"

"Something wrong with time, you said."

"Yes. Something wrong with time. Now, if an incredible stupid amateur archaeologist can physically travel back through time over several centuries, a few months is not much more to ask. Time has stopped being a straight line, well, not that it ever was a straight line it was more a sort of ball... the point is, different parts of this forest are now in different times. Ben wandered from here and now over there, to several weeks ago, and scared the living daylights out of your gentle kinsmen."

"That pretty much explains all the possible inconsistencies," Abby agrees. "I am suitably impressed."

"Good. Now come on the lot of you!" the Doctor yells, and leads them further into the forrest.

"Him, I like," Little John tells Donna.

Back at the castle, the Jerry Springer confrontation with Ben Chatham, Britney Chatham and Spartha Jones has finally ended. "So..." says Vasey, toying with one of his pet birds, "you are some kind of machine woman from the year of our lord 2009, but the world of today and the world of tomorrow have merged allowing us to speak."

"TAHT SI SUBSTANTIALY CORECT."

"Oh goody. And you represent some strange cave monsters who are running the Limes Clinic, a hospice for the insane and terminally addled? Who you drain the very life from to aid the cave monster's conquest of Earth? And now you want to drain the life from my peasants, in return for weapons?"

"UR PATHETIC MAEL BRANE UNDERSTANDS."

"Well, why not?" Vasey laughs. "They're only peasants, aren't they?"

Guy looks up from the cryptic crossword he's doing. "But if the people in the past are drained, surely that changes the future you come from?" he points out.

"AL B EXPLANEAD IN A FUL OUTLIEN!!111!!!!!1!! WTF LOL" the Sparthabot grates at them.

"What does that mean?" Guy demands.

"Oh, who cares what it means, Guisborne," the Sheriff retorts. "It's her problem either way!"

"TH3N W3 R AGRED?!"

"A clue: no," Vasey beams. "You see, I have no proof of what you say, Missy. Where are these cave monsters, hmmm? And where are these wonderful weapons of yours?"

"HOW R U DOUBT ME!!!!!11!111!1 LOL AS I HAEV ALRAADY INFORMED U I CAN OF3R U KNOWL3DGA TAHT WIL SET U ABOVA EV3RYON3 ELSE ON THES WORLD!"

"But I need a sample to check you're telling the truth!"

"AL I R3QUIER IN RATURN SI SOMA MANUAL LABOR!!1!!! FROM SAY TW3NTY OF UR VASALS!11!!1 OMG LOL MAYB THIRTY!!!!!! AND SOM3 LIFTNG EQUIPMENT!!1!1!1!! OMG AND FIEN WIEN AND VENISON!!!!!1111 OMG AND TAHT TABLE!"

"No deal, Missy," the Sheriff sighs. "Now you're going to see my torture chamber and we'll find out if your little mechanical body can feel as much pain as a real human body?"

"U PATH3TIC MAELS!" the Sparthabot screams as the guards close in around her and drag her away.

The Sheriff turns to face the Two Chathams. "And as for Tweedledum and Tweedledee over here..."

Britney whispers to Ben, "That ugly little man is playing with his false teeth! Foul!"

"Agreed," Ben replies. "And does he HAVE to be so obviously homosexual?!"

The Doctor, Abby, Donna, Allan, John and Much move through an ornamental gate as suddenly there is the sound of forest birds and sunlight glimmers through the trees. "Hang on, it was dusk a minute ago," Donna observes with her usual keen insight. "We moved in time then?"

"Indeed we have, Miss Noble," the Doctor agrees. "Well, merry men, welcome to the year of your lord 2007 and we're in some place called the Limes Clinic."

"Clinic? What for?" asks Allan.

"A sanitorium for those of unsound mind," the Doctor explains. "This must be where Ben - the old Ben - came from..."

"Figures," Abby laughs.

"So what's it like then, the future?" Allan asks.

"Not so bad," Donna shrugs. "I mean, a lot has changed. We don't use horses as much, and there are more houses and downs. Oh, and we can fly in planes, that's like these big metal birds."

"So the Sheriff doesn't win then?"

"Nah, it all ends well. All the different countries talk to each other now, and we put men on the moon."

"On the moon?!" John exclaims. "How?!"

"Rockets."

"What's a rocket?"

Donna turns to the Doctor. "Doctor..." She gets The Look. "I'll shut up then."

"Could save the universe, Donna," the Time Lord replies.

A strange demonic laughter booms around them. Allan and Much draw their sorts as giant mutant yabbies lurch out of the foliage, giggling insanely. "Come to play have more fleshkind! Bored we had become! But not any more bored! Fun, fun, fun! Fleshkind start screaming now, yes?"

"Ah," the Doctor says awkwardly, which pretty much covers a multitude of sins.

Back to Nottingham Castle as Djaq, Robin, Will and Marion are creeping up to the entrance just to see a bunch of familiar-looking outlaws on horseback escaping the moat thanks to some nifty editing tricks. "The Doctor was right," Robin whispers to the others. "Time's gone haywire."

"Who was that strange man with you?" asks Djaq with a frown.

"His name was Roy," Will says. "Don't worry about him now."

"Maybe we should," Robin says pensively. "If he's still alive here and now, we can save him."

"He didn't want to be saved," Will points out.

"We can change it," Robin says. "We can change everything... we know all the Sherrif's plans that he's going to swindle... we can stop them before they start."

"And what happens if you get killed trying?" Marion points out. "You'll just vanish in a puff of smoke because you won't exist any more."

"I've got a plan," Robin protests. "Well. Half a plan..."

In the Sherriff's Private Conference Room and Part Time Pit Of Vipers Death Trap Chamber, Ben and Britney point out the location of Robin Hood's camp on his huge to scale relief map of England made entirely out of Blue Peter papier machet landscapes.

"You're sure that is the location of his camp," Vasey asks, rightly suspecting the Chathams of being too stupid to remember the vitally important information.

"Of course we are," Ben sniffs.

"We have a degree," Britney pouts and looks at the wooden bowl she eats from. "And these oats and nuts may be organic, but hardly suitable cuisine such as for us. Where's the fucking mead?"

"Yes, the chav scum of your peasants may eat anything, but we are sophisticated 21st century heroes and deserve respect and less calories," Ben agrees.

Vasey ignores them. "Guisborne, take the men out there."

"And Hood's men?"

"Bring me back their bodies."

"My Lord," Guisborne says, not quite in character but good enough for this take, and leaves.

"Oh, and take Hansel and Big Gretal here to the torture chamber," Vasey adds. "Tell the torturer he can do with them what he wants, but he's not getting paid for it."

"WHAT?!" Britney exclaims as the majority of the guards grab her and start to haul her pasty ass through the doorway with all their strength.

"You can't do this to me!" Ben roars. "I have a first from Cambridge!"

The Sheriff of Nottingham rolls his eyes. "Lah de dah de dah," he sneers.


Parte the Sixth - It Is MEANT To Be Unoriginal!

The Doctor, Abby, Donna, Allan and John are tied up and stand on a raft by the river, surrounded by the giggling giant crustaceans. "Fun you are not," complains the leader. "Why haven't screaming you started?"

"Why should we?" the Doctor challenges. "We've all been round the block enough times that a gang of criminally insane Calufraxians won't scare us."

"Speak for yourself," Allan mutters.

"Know of us, you say you?" the leader leans forwards, growling.

"The Earth is defended," the Doctor says in his best Lonely God voice. "And time is shattered here. For your own safety, you MUST leave here now. Go back to the stars!"

"Weak fleshkind are," the giant lobster retorts. "Strong we are! Who you are, to demand of us?"

"Oh, like it matters!" Donna snorts. "Just sling your bloody hook!"

"Donna!" the Doctor hisses through gritted teeth. "I'm trying to work here!"

"She's got a bit of an issue of giant animal monsters," Abby reminds him.

"Don't we all?" Allan asks, baffled.

"I'm giving you one last chance," the Doctor calls. "Leave now, and no one needs to get hurt."

"Hurt we like! You hurt! YOU DIE! DIE SCREAMING! WITH SHARP THINGS IN YOUR HEAD!"

"Oh good," Donna snarls. "Now you've done it! We're gonna turn you into crabsticks!"

"Donna, please, leave this to the experts..."

"Sorry, Doctor."

The creature turns to its minions. "The flame thrower prepare! See them BURN, I want! SEE THEM SCREAM!"

"This I do not like," Little John comments calmly.

At Nottingham Castle, Robin and his fellow terrorists-outlaws-rebels-archetypes watch as the Sherrif and Guisborne lead a massive army on horeback out of the castle and head off towards the forest. "Where do you think they're going in such a hurry?" Will asks.

"Well, they're not fleeing the castle," Marion observes. "And that witch wasn't with them."

"How many times do I have to tell people?" Robin complains. "There's no such thing as witches!"

"You haven't met her."

As the merry men enter the deserted castle, Ben and Britney Chatham are stuck in the deepest darkest dungeon available, guarded by the two toughest, nastiest and most psychotically violent of Vasey's inner retinue.

"No toilet facilities, no goblets of mead, no television," Ben complains.

"We've got to get out of here," Britney decides, looking slightly more ragged and breathing faster than when he last bothered to see her. "We must be cunning! Subtle!"

"We'll get some rest and think about it in the morning," Ben suggests.

"Of course! Excellent thinking Ben!!"

"But now I am forced to spend a night alone, with no nice-looking single lads to comfort me and gaze into dark, ocean-deep eyes."

"You could always come over here Ben," Britney suggests with a wink, "and let ME comfort you."

Ben is disconcerted: "I am disconcerted - and don’t think that would be a good idea. I presume you aren’t getting any?"

"Well, there was this guy called Anselm who left a bit of a lasting impression," Britney sighs, looking at her rippling abdomen. "Ben? Ben?"

Ben has fallen asleep.

Britney waddles over to him and starts to remove his clothes.

Ben wakes up in horror. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I've been stuck in this horrid body for four years!" Britney wails. "You think I'm going to miss an opportunity like this!"

"Look at you!" Ben sneers, nauseated. "Not only do you lack my lovely face, sparkling eyes and soft pink lips, but you're unsmoothe! Completely unsmoothe! The ANTITHESIS of smoothe! You look like a couple of milk-filled basketballs sitting atop a beanbag of gravid expectancy, and those slight ripples of movement from within just creep me out! Get away from me you harlot!"

"How dare you!" Britney shouts, pressing her swollen body against his with fiery passion comparable to Margaret Thatcher in an isolation tank. "I have a degree!"

"You're a woman!" Ben shouts, muffled as his body is ravished. "So it doesn't count!"

Ben's screams for help are muffled by Britney's purring groans of pleasure. "THIS IS DISGUSTING! STOP THRUSTING AGAINST ME IN WILD ABANDON!" he wails. "YOU DON'T RESPECT ME, YOU'RE JUST GIVING VOICE TO YOUR PENT-UP PASSIONS IN LONG ORGASMS! GIRLS AREN'T ALLOWED ORGASMS, DAMN YOU! I AM NOT ENJOYING THIS!!"

"Well, I am, and that's all that matters!" Britney retorts with reckless pleasure.


Back at Nottingham Castle, the disgusting sight of two sweat-slicked Ben Chathams pounding against each other continues. Ben's panting cries for assistance soon became screams, then groaning screams of nausea as Britney shudders like a Parkinson suffer in an echo chamber.

"I presume you just had the best sex ever," Ben sighs with revulsion. "The climax of all climaxes, mutual, shared, blissful, erotic? Everything man or woman could dream of as being hot, sexy, sensual and orgasmic combined with love?"

"To be completely honest..." Britney muses. "Yeah, it was."

"Hmph. I choose not to remember the last time I soiled myself with a woman of all the low creatures."

Britney continues to gasp. "Hey... the guards have run away! They must have opened the door to see what was happening and run off in terror."

"I don't blame them," Ben weeps bitterly. "You VIOLATED ME!"

Britneu places a hand on her belly as she rolls her eyes. "Would YOU care much about the comfort of YOUR sexual partner?" she reminds him.

"Of course not!"

"Exactly," Britney replies, before groaning with pleasured exertion. "Shall we go again?"

Ben shrugs, disinterested. "If you must."

Back at/Forward to the Limes Clinic, the prisoners look at the alien flamethrower aimed directly at them. "This is going to be like one of those Viking funerals, huh?" asks Abby.

"Except we're not dead yet!" Allan protests.

"Tell me you've got a plan," Donna begs the Doctor.

"Oh, I've got a plan," the Time Lord assures her. "It just relies on things getting much, much worse..."

"WITH THE FLAME OF FIRE BURN THEM!" the leader screams and the gunner activates the flame thrower. A large fireball shoots out of the barrel and hurtles uncontrollably towards the trapped heroes... ...


Parte the Seventh - Frankly This Is A Disgusting Waste Of Webspace!

At Nottingham Castle, Robin, Marion, Djaq and Will are creeping through the main courtyard when they spot the surprising sight of an ugly Northern blond git bouncing up and down and shouting at soldiers he is called Roysten White and is loyal to King Richard and a follower of Robin Hood as he blubbers.

"That is who you want to save?" asks Djaq doubtfully.

"He had his good sides," Will shrugs.

"Like his incredible subtlety?"

Robin however simply whips out his bow and opens fire - and the six soldiers about to stab Roy to death are impaled and collapse dead. Marion cries out at Robin, "What part of the Grandfather paradox DON'T you get?!" but the obstinate outlaw already runs up to his former comrade.

"You don't have to go back to being a dead man, Roy," he says, helping his friend up.

"But... how did..."

"Time and space are doing strange things," Will explains quickly. "Must be why it's suddenly gone so cold."

"Oh, come on!" Robin protests. "We saved a man who deserved to live."

"Yes, but a man who has been dead for the past year, and you killed guards who were supposed to live!" Marion rants. "You've changed the pattern of history!"

"Plus, I think we might have just ended the world," Djaq adds.

"What makes ya say that?" asks Roy.

Djaq points up into the sky. Hovering above them, making a horrible frightening chittering noise is the demonic, dragon-like form of a Reaper - the CGI slightly modified since 2005 and yet, at the same time, now looks twice as fake.

Roy shouts, "RUN LIKE FUCK!" and the group flee as the Reaper unfurls its wings and consumes a bunch of soldier extras as they flee.

In 2009, the lobster aliens open fire on their prisoners... and the fireball vanishes harmlessly before it can so much as singe the TARDIS crew and merry men. The Doctor grimaces. "Well, things can only get worse!"

"We're still here!" Allan points out. "I'm not being funny or anything, but that seems like a good state of affairs!"

"We only survived because time itself has shattered, and that fireball fell through the cracks before it reached us!" the Doctor shouts. "Now time has been damaged, the entire world is at the mercy of things outside it."

"What things?" asks Little John with a frown.

"Trust me, you don't wanna know."

"KILL THEM AGAIN!" roars the leader of the lobster people, opening its ravenous mouth. "ALL OF THEM ALL KILL! CAN STOP US NOW, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD!"

Just then Much appears, freaking out and beheads every last one of the lobster people, letting their twitching corpses fall to the ground. "You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools, but that's the way I like it baby - I don't want to live forever!" he screams as he hacks at the dead creatures, spatting gore all over the place. "AND DON'T FORGET THE JOKER!"

"And that, Abby, is why I didn't let you into that LSD rave," the Doctor says bluntly.

"OK," Abby says meekly.

"Oi! Much, get over here and help us out!" Donna shouts.

"The only thing you see, you know it's going to be, the Ace of Spades!"

"Whatever, just untie us, right!"

"THE ACE OF SPADES!" Much screams back as he wades into the river to help them.

"Let's just hope that fireball doesn't reappear anywhere near us," the Doctor says as he houdinis his way out of the ropes. "Things are complicated enough!"

Many centuries prior, the Sherrif of Nottingham and Guy of Guisborne and a bunch of chain-mail-clad, red-underwear-wearing soldiers approach the clearing in the forrest. "My lord, those inbred twins must be trying to trap us," Guy hisses. "They were too stupid to direct us to the real camp!"

"When I want your opinion on 'real camp', I'll ask for it Gizzy!" Vasey retorts, abandoning the script entirely. "Besides, lookee through those trees and what do you see?"

"Robin and some of the others stripped to their underwear and tied to a tree by some other outlaws."

"Yes!"

"And you don't find that suspicious at all?"

"Not really. Arousing, perhaps. But suspicious? Let's see if their booby trap works when they're cut into teeny tiny pieces! CHARRGEGEEEE!!!"

The evil doers sweep into the clearing and... find it completely empty.

Baffled, Vasey looks around. "I told you it was a trap," Guy scowls.

"What sort of trap needs a completely empty forrest and the illusion of outlaws?" the Sherrif demands.

At that moment, a ball of fire appears out of nowhere and incinerates all the soldiers to dust.

"All right," Vasey concedes. "I'll give you that one."

Vasey and Guy run for it as the bellowing of another Reaper in the sky above is heard. It swoops into the forrest, then brains itself on an oak tree and groggily vanishes in a puff of light.

In the cell, the two Chathams are lying beside each other - Ben lost in thought and Britney clutching her gigantic belly as watery fluid pools on the floor. "Oh... ah...OH!" she grunts suddenly.

"Well, from what you've told me," Ben says, ignoring his gasping companion. "All I have to do is not rejoin the Doctor at Wiltshire. That way I cannot be put in the position to use that lightning ball and thus cannot become you in any way whatsoever."

"We're still stuck in a dungeon," Britney groans in pain.

"Irrelevant," Ben sneers.

"Ooooohhhhh..." She jerks and grabs Ben's hand but she shakes her off.

"Do you mind? I am resourceful and intelligent, a true 21st century hero much better than Gene Hunt! I am bound to triumph!"

"Ahhhh..."

"Are you contradicting me now?!"

"Ungh! Aaaah! I didn't... MMMMng... contradict you!"

"Well then be quiet. You won't ever have existed soon - does your estrogen-caked brain understand such things?"

"I understand it... OOAAH!...just fine."

"Well, come on!"

"I can't... AAARRGGH... work because it's too... late now..."

"Why not?"

"Cause I just went into... (hoo-hoo)... labor!"

"... and that means...?"

"I'm having the baby, you dingbat!" Britney manages to squeeze out between clenched teeth.

"Clearly your inferior body was unprepared for my love," Ben sniffs, and gets to his feet and collects his curiously formal attire.

"You're not just going to (hoo-hoo) leave me here (hoo-hoo) are you?"

"Why not? Watching someone giving birth holds no attraction for me whatsoever."

"It's what a (hoo) a chav would do!"

Ben kicks her in the ribs. "HOW VERY DARE YOU?!"

Britney struggles inhale and exhale, glistening with perspiration. "You could be in this situation (hoo) one day! (UNNH!! AAAH!!) Ever think of (hoo) that?!"

"Nonsense. I SHALL change our future!" Ben roars. "I WILL DEFEAT THE CHAV WITHIN!"

He runs off, laughing insanely as Britney continues to gasp and exhale.

"Why does this (gasp) always happen in dungeons?" she huffs and puffs. "GAWD THIS HURTS!" she screams. "...damn you Anselm! You did this to me of your own free will and without any influence from me whatsoever! Owowowowowowow!"

The Doctor and his companions are fleeing through the forest, one moment at night, then next at day, the next in that Cardiff Shopping Centre that turns up all the time, then back in the forest. "Time has been wounded and evil monsters are streaming in through the wound, taking advantage," he explains to the others, all holding hands so they don't get lost. "Bacteria sterilizing the wound by consuming everything inside!"

"Bacteria don't sterilize!" Abby protests.

"These ones do! And nothing in this universe can harm them!"

"Except you, right?" Donna asks.

The Doctor grins a crazed grin. "Goes without saying! ALLONZEE!"

Suddenly they are in the forrest outside the TARDIS. "Not getting away from me this time," the Time Lord laughs as he unlocks the doors. "Come on, you lot, inside, it's the one place that's safe..."

"In that case, my pretty friend," booms a voice, "then you're going to let us in as well!"

The Doctor turns to see a brooding Goth in leather and Adam Spencer with two working eyes. He shrugs. "Yeah, why not? Plenty of room inside."

"You can't let him in!" Allan protests. "He's the Sherrif of Nottingham!"

"Oh. What a let down," says Abby disappointed.

"Who are you?" asks Donna egerly of his companion.

"Sir Guy of Guisborne," replies the Goth, flicking his hair to suggest availability.

"I ain't, I'm feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag!" Much interjects.

"Fascinating though I'm sure this is," the Doctor begins.

"I'm useless, but not for long - the future is coming on!" Much points forward as, with a puff of light, a Reaper appears under the canopy of trees.

The Doctor examines it carefully and then a sense of realisation permeates his mind.

"Uh-oh."

The Reaper unfurls and attacks them...


Parte the Eighth - And They All Lived Happily Ever After (Except for the Dead Peasants, Obviously)

Suddenly there is a flash as a figure aboard a Tribophysical Waveform Macro-Kinetic Extrapolator (AKA The Surfboard of Rassilon) hurtles into reality and slides to a halt beside the group. The pilot - a lean and hungry looking man in a Napoleonic combat jacket, a Korean snakeskin sword, wild west side-shooters and 1640ish Italian boots - hops off to stand before the startled crowd. "Looks like I'm here in time for the party," he grins lazily.

"Bloody Hell!" the Doctor exclaims in shock. "It's Nikolai Dante!"

"Have we met before?" the newcomer grins. "You're not a Time Agent, I'd recognize those hips anywhere..."

"A Time Agent! Perfect!" the Doctor grins and rips the Vortex Manipulator from the newcomer's wrist. "Just what I need."

"Now wait a bleeding moment there, Eye Candy," the Time Agent snaps before realizing a Reaper is hurtling straight for him. "Oh bollocks," he deadpans before he is consumed.

"Into the TARDIS!" the Doctor shouts and Much, Abby and Donna manage to scramble inside as the Reaper manages to grab Allan and haul him up into the air.

"UNBELIEVABLE!" Allan manages to cry before he is swallowed up.

"You go on," Little John shouts, bundling the Doctor over to the TARDIS and ignoring his protests. "Today is a good day to die!" He turns to face the Reaper and manages to beat nine colours of shit out of the chronovore before it stops pissing about and vanishes him there and then.

Vasey races for the door but Guisborne gets there first. The Reaper swoops down towards the police box again and Guisborne blocks access to the time machine. "What are you trying to do, Guisborne?" Vasey demands, eying the swooping vulture like monster. "Kill me?!"

"A clue," Guisborne growls, "yes!" before slamming the door shut in his face.

Vasey is swallowed up.

Inside the time machine, Much stares blankly into the distance as the Doctor races around the TARDIS console, linking up various components to the late Time Agents' Vortex Manipulator. "Loyalty to your employer, not one of your strengths, Gizzy," the Doctor sneeers as he sets the time machine in motion.

Leaving Guy to gawp at the whole "bigger on the inside thing", Donna turns to the Doctor: "Where are we off to now? That thing just ate half the Merry Men and the Sherrif of Nottingham!"

"Time was worn thin and then something damaged it," the Doctor explains. "I've set the TARDIS to home in on Point Zero. From there I can see what we can do to fix it."


Not far from Point Zero, the Sparthabot finally smashes its way out of its restraints and prepares to flee the castle when it hears the screams from the neighboring cell. The Sparthabot pops its head around the door and sees Britney Chatham lying on the floor, gleaming with sweat and letting out fearful cries of pain as she grips her gargantuan stomach which wiggles and jiggles.

The Sparthabot shakes its head and leaves again.

Just then the Inquisitor arrives in a swirl of his cape and smoky special effects. "TREMBLE AT MY NAME FOR I AM THE INQUISITOR AND I HAVE COME TO JUDGE THE HUMAN KNOWN AS BENJAMIN JAMES SEBASTIAN JAMES CHATHAM!"

"SH3S IN THER3" Spartha sniffs disdainfully as another tortured howl emerges from the cell. "SHE SI JUST DIALATNG 2 AN EIGHT SO DONT WORY ABOUT HER!!!1!11!! OMG LOL"

"RIIIIGGHT," the Inquisitor muses. "WHERE'S THE BEN WITH THE EXTERNAL GENETALIA THEN?"

"HOW SHUD I KNOW?!?!??!? OMG WTF LOL IM NOT RESPONSIBL3 FOR DA ACTIONS OF UNCULTUR3D MAEL SCUM!1!!!1! OMG WTF"

"WOW. I'VE NEVER KNOWN SUCH UNTHINKING HATRED, AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING. YOU, UH, WANNA GO FOR A SOPHISTICATED DRINK IN A CAMBRIDGE WINE BAR SOMETIME?"

However, this incredibly disturbing scenario (how disturbing? Willow getting raped by her parrallel universe vampire dopplegather in leather restraints disturbing) can go no further for at that moment a chunk of wall collapses to reveal the Reaper hoardes.

"HOW RUD3!!" the Sparthabot shouts with its usual decorum.

"NOT THESE BASTARDS AGAIN!" the Inquisitor exclaims. "I'LL HAVE TO PULL A SKASE TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE! MY TIME GAUNTLETT - WHICH IS ACTUALLY A NON-COPYRIGHT BREACHING TIME AGENCY VORTEX MANIPULATOR, WIKIPEDIA!! - MUST TAKE ME TO THE ONE PLACE THEY CANNOT REACH! MAJORCA! NOT EVEN DERREN HINCH COULD REACH ME THERE."

However, he is then knocked off his feet by the Reaper behind him. "DON'T FEAR THE REAPER! DON'T FEAR THE REAPER! DON'T FEAR THE REAPER!" the Inquisitor chants to himself as he is cornered by the winged monstrosities.

It doesn't help.

Sparthabot turns and heads off with the urgency of trying to catch a slow moving taxi, leaving Britney Chatham to throw threw her head wildly from side to side, clutching and clawing at the floor above her head as she desperately tries to upstage everyone with her unconvincing birthing. After listening to her pelvis snap and her hips shatter while we wait for Murray Gold's music to finish, we cut away from the screaming bint...


The other Ben is meanwhile striding through the forest, pausing only for a skinny-dip in the river to let the water rippling against his smooth torso in the shimmering morning light. Refreshed and renewed, the arrogant cunt strides camply onward. "What a gorgeous morning, the smell of freshly cooked food wafting through the greenwood.... unbeatable!" Ben muses. "Obviously, I could use a few knobs to tweak!"

Suddenly lets out a yelp of pain and the words "MY FUCKING ANKLE!" His foot is caught in a primitive metal rabbit trap that was out in the open and only a lobotomized ringworm could have stepped into it.
Ben struggles to hobble forward, but to no avail.

"What could possibly go wrong now?" he weeps.

A Reaper materializes shrieking above his head, then lunges down at the amateur archaeologist, enveloping him, and consuming him... and elsewhere in a dungeon, the fully-effaced Britney Chatham flashes out of existence.

And Benjamin James Sebastian James Chatham is gone.

...

Sweet.


Robin, Marion, Roy, Djaq and Will are hiding in one of the tower stairwells as Reapers pick off the inhabitants of Nottingham Castle. Suddenly the TARDIS materializes in the courtyard. As the door opens and the Doctor sticks his head out to look around, Roy boggles. "You don't see that every day," he muses.

"DOCTOR!" Robin shouts to alert the TARDIS crew to the Reapers swooping down towards them.

The group sprint for cover as the Reaper picks out the Goth shape of Guisborne and hurtles towards him. Realizing Sir Guy is in danger, Abby runs back, only for Donna to grab the scruff of her neck and haul her backwards out of sight. "One of these days, girl, your Good Samaritan act will get yourself killed!"

Meanwhile, Guy wails like a baby as he is consumed by the Reaper.

In the stairwell, the group recaps.

"Right, those things are chronivorous parasite who feed on paradoxical energy. With time damaged, every living thing is contaminated and so those creatures will purge this planet, starting with the tastiest. Now, I've got a Vortex Manipulator linked to my ship, and for once it's going to live up to its hideous GreelCorpsTM brandname. If I can trigger a basic reality quake, the paradoxes should all be sucked out into parallel time lines - with the wound cancelled out, those monsters will vanish as well, and everyone should be back to normal," the Doctor says, belting out the dialogue faster than the subtitles can keep up with him. "The only problem is, I have no idea what the catalyst was that triggered the damage in the first place. Oh hello!" the Doctor adds, turning to Roy. "I don't think we've met. Call me Catweazle!"

"Roy White," Roy replies bluntly. "You're a nutter."

"Ah, only people who like me say that," the Time Lord grins. "You weren't at the camp earlier..."

"Yeah," says Robin awkwardly, rubbing his neck, "you're gonna laugh about this but..."

"Oh no, you didn't deliberately go back on your own time line and stop Roy here from dying, thus changing the fundamental causal nexus?"

"Pretty much," Marion says, folding her eyes.

"I had a plan!" Robin protests. "It just would have worked without the flying dragon monsters!"

"How are we going to fix it?" asks Will as more Reapers appear outside the castle.

"Kill him," Djaq suggests with a shrug.

"Oi!"

"You were trying to get yourself killed five minutes ago, and you living caused all this," Will points out.

"Y LISTEN 2 TEH COWARDLEY MAEL?!??!!!!" the newly-arrived Sparthabot complains. "KINDLEY GROW UP AND S2P BNG SO IMATURE!!!1!!1! OMG LOL"

In a perfect recreation of that bit in the opening credits of Life on Mars, Donna and Abby, in unison, turn on their heels and simultaneously deck Spartha Jones with such force she backflips off the promenade into the open yard below, where the Reapers feast on the android...

"Anway. That won't be necessary," the Doctor says. "Once the TARDIS activates, Roy will be one of the paradoxes shunted into his own nexus. Suffice it to say, he will end up in another version of history where he survived that day."

"But that means we'll never see him again!" Robin steps forward angrilly. "His MOTHER will never see him again!"

"He'll still be alive!" the Doctor snaps. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yeah, Robin," Roy demands. "What do you want? Did you save me for my sake... or yours?!"

Robin rolls his eyes and manages to sulk endearingly - well, endearingly compared to Ben Chatham anyway.

"Doctor," Donna calls. "Those things have found the minstrels on the gallery!"

"This is our chance, we've got to go!" the Doctor calls back and runs for the exit. "I hate goodbyes anyway!"

Donna and Abby follow, then Abby doubles back and gives Much a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for saving my life," she says and runs off.

"She comes back all the way in time to meet Robin Hood and kisses you instead!" Robin boggles.

"She tasted of strawberries," says Much distantly, stroking his cheek.

"What kind of time travellers are they!" Robin complains.

"You know, a lesser man might think you were jealous," Much points out.

"And a bigger man would stop rubbing it in!" Robin protests.

The trio race across the courtyard and into the police box. Moments later, the TARDIS shimmers into a blur of light that then explodes outwards in all directions, effortlessly washing over the castle, the surrounding countryside and the Earth itself. Robin and his Merry Men vanish, as do the Reapers, and suddenly it is an ordinary day in Nottingham once more, with peasants wandering around doing peasant like things as is their want.

In the main hall, Sherriff Vasey slumps back into his throne and looks around in paranoia as Sir Guy of Guisborne scratches his head, similarly disoriented. "Gizzy," the Sherrif croaks. "Did you put a hallucinogenic drug in my lunchtime mead?"

"No, my lord."

"I was afraid you'd say that..."


At the camp in Sherwood forest, Robin, Much, Will, Allan, Djaq and Little John get to their feet. "We did it!" Much crows happily, no longer gripped with the desire to belt out strange 20th century ballads. "The world is saved and we're all alive!"

"But not Roy," Little John sighs, having presumably been filled in on this when the writer was busy.

"You heard what the Doctor said," Robin reminds them. "He's still out there, somewhere. Come on, you lot, we've got a food run to do tonight..."

"You nearly destroyed the entire world," Djaq reminds her leader. "For one of us."

He grins back at her. "And I'd do it again."


Elsewhere, Roysten White blinks as he finds himself with Robin and the others waving off a cart carrying a kitchen wench and Guisborne's illegitimate son. He looks around, shrugs and snorts, "Ah, this'll do me nice."


In the depths of the Cambridgeshire countryside, Ben Chatham wakes up next to the crumpled form of the Sparthabot. "We made it, Sparthabot! We survived the unravelling of the universe itself!" he crows. "And you should thank me for saving the Earth with my idea of running away and letting someone else sort it all out!"

"O GROW UP NUMBNUTS!11111 OMG" the Sparthabot snarls. "U HAEV RUIEND MAH MBITIONS 2 CONQU3R TEH MEAT PUP3TS OF THES PLAENT USNG TEH CALUFRAXIAN LOBSTER PEOPLE AS CANON FODER!111!1! OMG! U HAEV RUIEND MAH DAY!1!1! OMG WTF"

She turns and stalks off through the trees. "Where are you going?" Ben shouts. "I demand to know!"

"IMA G3T A NU JOB!111!1 OMG WTF LOL!"

"Where? What sort of morons would employ an insane android in the shape of a disgusting woman? Worse, a black woman!"

"DA 'W3RE NOT ALEINS IN DISGUIES HON3ST' CORPORATION!!1!!1! OMG WTF!" the Sparthabot retorts. "THAY HAEV 2145 OFIECS IN RURAL ANGLAND AL DEDICAETD 2 INTARNATIONAL RAS3ARCH AND DAV3LOPMENT OF L3THAL CH3MICALS!!!!!1! LOL THEIR R PLANTY OF 2P MANAEGMENT POSITIONS AVALEABLA!!!1!! WTF LOL AND THROUGH TAHT CORPORATION I SHAL TAEK CONTROL OF THES MIESRABLEY PRIMITIEV PLAENT!!"

"What about me?!" Ben wails, but the Sparthabot is gone.

Tears of pure vodka build up in his cold, dead eyes, but then Ben frowns as he remembers the advice of his future self... but not all of it, because he never listens to women.

"Something about Wiltshire... and the Doctor! Of course, the Doctor must be about to arrive in Wiltshire! And there I can get him to take me aboard the TARDIS, worship me and supply me with absinthe and male lovers! Nothing can POSSIBLY go wrong?"

Laughing insanely, Ben runs off into the trees towards his destiny...

- THE END


Elsewhere, the TARDIS comes to a shuddering halt that flings the Doctor, Abby and Donna to the floor. "Now where are we?" Donna grumbles as she helps Abby to her feet.

The Doctor pulls the monitor towards him to study the swirling pictograms. "Ah-hah! Brilliant! Totally brilliant!" he grins. "Oh yes, indeed, I think I can say that I know just exactly where we are!"

"Is it nice?" asks Abby.

"Is it nice? IS IT NICE?!" the Doctor laughs, before becoming solemn again. "I've no idea. We've reached the distant horizon of an age of peace and prosperity. A highly-civilized segment of the universe, rich in intelligence, compassion, artistic sophistication and social development! So what are we waiting for! Come on! ALLONZEE!"

The Doctor runs out the door and, exchanging weary looks, Abby and Donna follow. Unseen, on the scanner is a brick wall with a plaque saying CORONATION STREET....

THE DOCTOR, DONNA, ABBY AND...... TOM WALLACE WILL RETURN SOON IN:
"THE GOATS OF EMMERDALE!!"