Review: The Perfection Society

THE PERFECTION SOCIETY

(John S. Drew) 4 episodes.

The Doctor and Christine arrive on a world where perfection is valued above all else. Children deemed not perfect in the eyes of the people are killed before they are born. When Christine is branded imperfect by the rulers of the planet, the Doctor races to save her from execution.




From the Back Cover:
Fleeing an Earth corrupted by passions, cruelty, and hatred, the people of Kelos III sought to create the perfect society. But how could man overcome his very basic nature unless it was bred out of him?

A century after their society was established, the people of Kelos thought they had finally succeeded. A colony of genetically perfect humans; anyone born or who would be born imperfect was subject to vaporization.

When the Doctor and Christine arrive, they find a society where only perfect life is valuable and the imperfect are hunted down as so much animal fodder, an infection that needs to be stamped out before it corrupts their world.

Can the Doctor save a society whose zeal for perfection will ultimately lead to their own extinction? Or will time run out as Christine is branded an imperfect and led away for vaporization before the Doctor's very eyes?


Plot:
The badly-damaged TARDIS crash lands on a distant Earth colony Kelos 3 where the exhausted new Doctor and the paranoid Christine split up and fall afoul of the locals. It transpires their society has such rigid rules of genetic purity than anyone that fails to meet the grade is vaporized. Thirteenth-century serving wench falls into this category, believe it or not. And the two-hearted Doctor isn’t safe, either. Christine is taken to be zapped live on TV. The Doctor rescues her and gets captured himself, discovers a shady government conspiracy around the definition of ‘perfect’, has the evil ringleader executed, and leaves. That’s it. Only took two whole hours, too.


Story:
While Jeffrey Coburn’s Doctor could never be said to be based on Peter Davison’s Doctor, Jim DeNatyle’s Doctor is very clearly based on Colin Baker’s. While he lacks the garish outfit, he is still portly, rude, arrogant, in love with his physical appearance, prone to speeches and incredibly ruthless behavior – see him sadistically blind an immoral scientist and then mock the crippled man afterwards; attack the Collector by causing his bluetooth to explode while wearing it. However, his pockets of weakness and unconsciousness make the character seem spiteful, and his fainting spells become more and more predictable. His complete disregard for his former self makes him less than endearing, and it is unsurprising that Christine does not believe his claims that he is the same man in a new body. However, Christine is not particularly sympathetic – she shows no pity, imagination or common sense during the first episode and her refusal to accept anything the Doctor says makes it hard to care for either her fate or the Doctor’s.

The story curiously parallels The Twin Dilemma much as The Chronic Rift paralleled The Caves of Androzani. We have a replica Sixth Doctor having a hostile relationship with his companion, lengthy TARDIS scenes, and a relatively simply plot to showcase the new actor. There’s even an identical scene where the new Doctor tries to crack the codes of the lock on the door of the room he is trapped in by a possible ally. However, while The Twin Dilemma was a planet hopping space saga, The Perfection Society is focussed on one society on one planet – the opposite to the massive universe-spanning chaos of the previous story, and the sudden change in tone renders the whole thing rather trivial. Why should we care about the Kelosians, who dug a rod for their own back? Portraying the ‘moral majority’ of the populace as redneck Texans with accents straight out of South Park is not particularly subtle, either.

Part of the problem is the story is so slowly paced, with long scenes with very little happening – Christine remains in the same predicament throughout the second episode. The TARDIS crew barely appear in the first episode, and the Doctor only leaves the ship halfway through the second episode and spends most of that unconscious. The plot consists of Christine being arrested and the Doctor rescuing her. Worse, there is little dialogue, just long moralistic speeches from characters explaining their viewpoints. The story could easily be a two parter if it cut to the chase, perhaps losing the new Doctor’s painful attempts at eccentric humor as well. The cliffhanger reprises are surprisingly long too – it is three minutes into the 40-minute long episode four before we get any new material. The length of the story could accommodate six episodes, but the plot barely stretches to three.

Another part is the similar blight that strikes Vengeance on Varos – quite simply, the Kelosians have been raised for generations believing in genetic purity being a good thing. Why would any of them consider it morally wrong if they were raised with a different morality? When they are not allowed contact with outside ideals and influences? Yet it seems they have all known it was wrong but simply were too embarrassed and worried about social status to speak up or do anything.

There’s also a high level of coincidence, such as the Doctor being conveniently found by the person that could both want and be able to protect him and also desires to overturn the ruling regime. The Doctor has also heard much about this isolated colony – which in turns is either a forgotten backwater or a major power in galactic affairs, which makes you wonder why no Empire or Federation has attacked Kelos 3 for violating some equivalent of the Geneva Convention, since most people seem to know about its stance on purity and the lengths it will go to.

Although unengaging, there are good points – the central concept is a fine one, especially Leland’s “for the good of all” mentality, but this decays in the final scene to yet another half-thought-out attempt to conquer the universe. If this idea was more to the forefront of the plot, that Kelos 3 was set up to breed a super army, thus threatening the rest of the planets, we’d get some tension going. Instead, the plot rambles along like the Doctor’s post-regenerative trauma, coming to a false end before being entirely forgotten about. A disappointing end to a disappointing regeneration saga.

Personal Appreciation: **
The story seems as bored as I am, though it’s got all the makings of a cracker.


Character Stuff:
The new Doctor is taller, fatter with a thick moustache that seems to be trying to turn into a beard. Depending on what pictures you look at, he looks like a fat version of the Master, or Billy Connelly dressed as the Eighth Doctor. Perhaps as part of his regeneration, he is the total opposite of his former self – not just in looks, but in tastes: he hates his outfit, magic tricks, rabbits, frippery and the Banana Splits, and his people skills are rusty enough to require a tetanus shot. He wants a new, respectable outfit and a clean slate involving a redesigned console room. Dignity is very important to him. He on several occasions refers to his past self in the third person, like the Second Doctor did the First. Like the Sixth Doctor (who he resembles in more ways than one), he falls in love with his reflection rather than dismissing it as most other Doctors do. This is, I think we can now agree, a bad sign. The injuries that triggered his latest regeneration were so serious that the process doesn’t quite complete itself (that and the damaged TARDIS), effectively restoring his health for a short period and increasing periods of exhaustion and unconsciousness and could conceivably end in another regeneration. He confuses Melanie, Sarah (Jane Smith) and Peri with Christine (or Candice, Corrine, Cynthia, Catherine or “What’s his name?” as he calls her at some points). The old Doctor’s outfit is rigged to perform magic tricks, such as spewing out comedy flowers and the TARDIS will play Banana Splits song on the scanner at a touch of a button. He instinctively points out everyone’s flaws and lack of intelligence. His new outfit is a late 19th century suit but keeps his possessions, including his sonic screwdriver. His body language is very similar to his old self, if Christine is any judge... on second thoughts, just forget it.

Christine’s thick-headed stubborn refusal to accept new concepts reaches a new height. Not only does she rejects the idea of the Doctor changing his body, she automatically assumes the new one is an evil demon trying to bewitch her and won’t let him get a word in edgeways, which shows all the Doctor’s education has been proved a waste of time. She is in total denial at the Doctor dying, believing he is still alive despite the fact she saw him die right in front of her. She runs off into the TARDIS to sulk, gets lost, then lures the ill-looking new Doctor into a trap where she buries him in hardback books, the bitch. She says “It’s impossible” about five hundred times. I mean, Dara was annoying, but THIS is something else. She automatically offers to look after a baby, and she irritates it as much as she bugs me. She is still 15 years old and falls apart when asked some basic questions. She insists on telling the truth despite the obvious benefits of being able to lie and get off scott free. She finally accepts the Doctor is who he says he is after she gets yelled at to shut up and use her brain. She freaks out again at the thought the Doctor might die again... but he doesn’t. Which shuts her up. Briefly.


Observations:
Gesto is played by Chip Jamison. As such we lose sympathy for the story in the first few seconds once the titles are over...

There’s a neat symbolism between Dana giving birth at the same time the Doctor regenerates. And also the idea that midwifes are called ‘Channellers’ because they ‘channel’ babies out the ‘birth channel’ technically makes them the rudest-named characters ever. And contractions called compressions... there’s a difference you know.

Speaking of symbolism, as the Doctor regenerates so does the razorback. Pity Christine didn’t as well.

“Begone demon!” And with that sentence, you want to punch the cow unconscious.

“I do believe I’ve finally achieved perfection!” Whoa, way to flag up the story’s themes AND show the new Doctor as a smug, arrogant little bastard in one line!

The TARDIS rearranges itself around Christine. Is it trying to help her because of the old “she’s the companion and the TARDIS likes her”? Or is it because it’s trying to get the insane bitch out of the ship before she kills the owner? It goes to a lot of trouble to get Christine to the console room and out the doors – significantly into instantly fatal straits. Full fist, TARDIS, full fist.

Those two Collectors – one a stoned, mellow Frenchman and the other an incredibly furious Collector 32 – seem like sitcom material, like Whitnail and I...

I hate to seem personal, but how does Christine feed the newborn baby on her own with no baby food? Unless she’s hiding something about her private life, I think it will be difficult for her.

Seriously, that baby crying REALLY gets irritating.

There are more than ten galaxies, surely?

Malchus... shut up... quickly... that run on sentence full of exposition... flee! Flee for your lives!

Kelos rhymes with Telos. Pity. A perfect Cyberman would be just the twist this story needed.

So the battered, bloodied and partially fried outfit of the Coburn Doctor is abandoned in a museum display of Olde Earth historical costumes. Not much use to the poor, naked magician back on Earth, though, is it?

Wow. A planet that despises randomness and genetic chaos comes up with boring, sterile art. Who saw that coming boys and girls? All of you? That’s because it’s an incredible predictable plot detail, isn’t it?

“Are you mentally incompetent?” Leland sums up a lot of Christine’s character. Perceptive chap, Leland.

At one point, the female baby has a sex change and then back again while in Christine’s care. Maybe the genetic purity IS worth worrying about...

God, the Doctor’s talking about his mother! This, coupled with music from the TV Movie, a TV movie costume and TV movie title sequences, makes me think there might be a pattern here...

The Doctor’s ploy to escape is very good – rabbit on about the crap architecture until the Collector uses his communicator, giving him a chance to talk about it, then jam a sonic screwdriver in the bastard’s ear.

Oh God, a reference to Daleks... how pathetic. Racial purity = Daleks, does it?

Does anyone get the feeling no one involved in this story actually gives a damn?


Preposterous Plot Points:
How can you tell the TARDIS is bigger on the inside by touching it?

How does the Doctor know the colony was established centuries before he arrived? Especially when he’s forgotten he has a companion? [Though you could argue his piecemeal amnesia is more credible.]

If the Kelosians are so xenophobic, why do they participate in Intergalactic Olympics? Do they wash and sterilize the medals before bringing them home?

The original colonists never thought that they might face extinction if they slaughtered most of their population? Were the imperfects the only ones with brain cells? And then they add a virus? How subnormal are these freaks?

Why does the scientist mistake the Doctor, a fat moustached bloke in fancy dress holding a lockpick, as a guard? Was he perhaps blind BEFORE the incident with the UV lamp?

Let me get this straight: the indestructible razorback, capable of regrowing almost its entire body after taking the entire brunt of the TARDIS power supply is killed... by some poofy handguns?

Gesto’s death scene (strangled by the lobotomized Dana) is incredibly disturbing in plotting and execution... Shoulda happened in episode one.


Notable Dialogue:

The title is not actually used in the dialogue, with the closest match being:
DOCTOR: Colony ships from Earth landed several centuries ago to create The Perfect Society.

MALCHUS: Do you know what they do to imperfect sympathizers?
DOCTOR: I can only imagine it’s perfect in its irony.

Nifty speech – but it’s so late in the story, you know everything he’s going to say before he can say it:
LELAND: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the Southern District. This evening I am proud to announce that we have, once again, successfully managed to round up a group of imperfect subversives. Now, there’s no need to feel sorry for these people. While they are victims of unfortunate circumstance, what is to become of them should have been carried out long before birth. To have allowed them to suffer for so long with their imperfections is the highest of cruelties – a wrong which we shall put right, tonight, for the good of society! Everything we do we do for the betterment of our society. It’s better for us. It’s better for them. We shall now display those scheduled for vaporization and their times. Each will be televised so that YOU too can re-affirm your convictions.

DOCTOR: Regeneration. I regenerated. That explains the weakness in knees. And there was I thinking we were in for some bad weather.

Heh. It’s not what you think:
MALCHUS: I cannot expose myself! Not now! I will not risk my wife’s safety!

Or this:
DOCTOR: Hm. These episodes I’m having are proving quite annoying.

CHRISTINE: Why dost thou call me a number?
LELAND: It is your designation. To call you by your name would make you seem... human.

The Doctor in the middle of Malchus’ bragging about his humanitarian efforts:
DOCTOR: It’s not enough.

LELAND: Gesto, perfection is not only an ideal or a goal to be obtained, it is a privilege. Not everyone is entitled to it. When one is perfect, one sets him or herself in a position to rule.


Cliffhangers:
1. Christine finally escapes the TARDIS to find the Collectors threatening Dana and her blind baby. Christine is scanned, found imperfect and dragged away for vaporization – assuming they don’t shoot her in the mean time for resisting arrest. Mostly this thing happens in the first five minutes, not the cliffhanger.

2. The Doctor sees Christine being summoned for execution and realizes who she is and vows to rescue her, but Dana and Malchus insist she is beyond help. Just like The Twin Dilemma cliffhanger three.

3. The Doctor and Malchus try to escape the Collectors but the Doctor, still weakened from his regeneration, collapses unconscious. As they are caught, Gesto gloats over Malchus’ capture. Just like The Invasion cliffhanger two. Or The Green Death cliffhanger five. Or...

4. Christine announces she wishes to keep travelling with the Doctor, now she believes he is who he says he is. The Doctor sets the TARDIS in motion to a random destination, suggesting to Christine, “Let’s see what’s out there together?”


Miscellaneous:
Rather than a simple pre-credits sequence of the regeneration like Apollyon, the first episode begins with the Seventh Doctor-style credits and theme music, the entire regeneration scene followed by the new title sequence based on the Eighth Doctor’s: swooping between the twin planets of Androzani, then into a starscape, a blue flash, an explosion and then the incredibly pathetic logo (now in blue) appears, revolves and hurtles down a relatively decent time vortex, a full length portrait of the new Doctor leaning on a walking stick, then a spinning TARDIS. Yep, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s a “new era” dawning. The end credits are just the starscape vortex stuff sans photos, logos or TARDISes.


What Could Have Been Done To Improve It:
- A near total rewrite. Leave the razorback dead, speed up the action, have Kelos 3 be a forgotten colony gone bad, make Christine a bit more open minded, maybe have a memorable returning foe to lighten the story up from “the evil men do”, give the new Doctor a more original personality, lose all the boring moody speeches, lose the conquer the universe tale, come up with an exciting plot.

- Better music – they should have kept the Seventh Doctor theme, for a start.


The Party Line:
Pending.


The Awful Truth:
Like The Chronic Rift, the ideas and background situations of this story are fascinating, but the plot around them is rudimentary in the extreme, as if someone added the ideas to a generic plot – it’s seemingly a remake of The Price of Paradise. There’s a lot of running around, moralistic speeches and a lot of picking up the pieces from the previous story (six episodes not enough?!) Christine’s decent into paranoid superstition pushes her from ‘irritating yet worthy’ to ‘annoying and pointless’. It lacks any returning friends or foe and there is a palpable lack of enthusiasm in all involved. It has it’s good points (particularly with Leland) but The Perfection Society in no way feels like the start of a brand new era, especially when one knows this era will be cut short exactly the same way the one it is imitating was.

Illustrations:
Fan cover for The Perfection Society. It may have a naked man on the cover, but it's better than the genuine article...

The real cover for The Perfection Society. God, they look gormless, don't they?

The most irritating and annoying TARDIS crew in the history of anything ever.

The evil badguy Leland.

Christine is screwed. Who cares? I don't. Do you?

A different look for the Twelfth Doctor.

Review: The Hidden Menace

THE HIDDEN MENACE (19D)

(Robert Dunlop) 4 episodes.

Deep in the caves of Southbank, visitors are suddenly beginning to disappear, and the growls of a frightening, unearthly creature can be heard echoing off the cavern walls. Something is searching for someone "suitable"...and it now believes that it has found him.




From the Back Cover:
A visit to some caves in a quiet English village turns into a nightmare for the Doctor and Christine when they discover a killer hiding in the dark, an animal which doesn't even belong to this time.

Investigating further, they find out more than visitors to the caves are meant to know and realise that the town, and even the country, is in danger from a creature, hungry and waiting for food.

The mysterious manager is no help. Does he know more than he's letting on?

Why is a door mysteriously opening and closing in a supposedly normal cave wall? Is everything as real as it seems?

There's something else down there...deep, deep down in the rock. Buried and hidden throughout the centuries. But what is it and how can it explain what is happening?

For the two time travellers one thing's for certain: They're in danger along with the whole population of Southbank. And if the creature escapes from the caves, will they be able to stop it?


Plot:
The Doctor and Christine visit some caves on a tour group. People are going missing in the tunnels, caves are there that are not on the maps. The time travelers poke their noses into things that don’t concern them and discover a kind of incredibly annoyed CGI panther prowling around Southbank Caves. It is connected to an ancient space craft with a habit of zapping anyone unsuitable for it. It turns out the ship and the monster are effectively one creature and it requires a living mind of suitable capacity to help it escape. After million years it locates a suitable brain in the Doctor and tries to use electric shock therapy to force him to help, unfortunately its incredibly moronic human helper shoots one of the CGI panthers, and causes the ship to self-destruct.


Story:
If one word sums up The Hidden Menace, it’s “traditional”. It’s a story any Doctor could have had, with a recognizable locale, dark tunnels, unthinking guard monsters being ruled by a more intelligent threat, human traitors, alien presence in established history... even the title, so generic it could apply to just about ANY Doctor Who story, lacks only the ‘X of Y’ format to make it the most formulaic title ever. The plot – which features the Doctor and various other characters being forced to head up and down dark tunnels chased by a monster, aided and abetted by a human traitor – is also nicely derivative, with riffs on The Krotons, Doctor Who and the Silurians, Revenge of the Cybermen, The Face of Evil, and to an extent The Girl in the Fireplace. The fact The Hidden Menace targets the same themes rather than being outright copying elevate it above the rehashes of the Segal era. As the Doctor notes, there are similarities to the stories of the big bad wolf, the Pied Piper, and Hound of the Baskervilles in a wild animal that can be controlled by whistling tunes, especially by a ruthless businessman.

Although it is easy to forgive the story for its derivative subject matter, The Hidden Menace is by no means flawless. The cast of characters is surprisingly small and the plot seems stretched to cover four episodes, with the content of the first three (monster notwithstanding) easily being fitted into a twenty-five minute episode. The ending is unforgivably abrupt, with the ship, computer, and monsters all dying moments after their role on the plot is finally explained, and the Doctor’s later revelation that the ship could never have been free makes the whole thing feel rather pointless.

Another drawback is Chip Jamison’s intensely irritating performance as Tim, but a case of bad acting is not as severe as the problem of the major villain Cross. There, actor Jym DeNatale is refreshingly subtle but he has nothing to really work with. Cross changes at random from a cynical money-loving manipulator to sadistic psychopath to insane lost soul apparently at random. He expounds his nihilistic belief that death does not matter as long he gets gold moments before explaining he initially never intended for anyone to be harmed. Exactly why he relies on incompetent staff and makes things so difficult is not clear, nor why he hasn’t arranged some kind regime to keep the ship supplied with new material to check over. On the bright side, as DeNatale manages to make Cross sound dangerous during his periodic descents into childhood, and performs the ‘evil’ bits with a flirty tone, as if Cross is aroused at the thought of death and power. It’s a pity this quality does not extend to the dialogue, which is frankly embarrassing.

Since the audio dramas, seemingly satisfied by ‘revamping’ the Master, the Daleks and UNIT, abandoned all continuity-driven fan-pleasing storylines in favor of new, self-contained plots, The Hidden Menace comes across as refreshingly straightforward and unpretentious – a marked difference to most of the range.


Personal Appreciation: ***
It’s no The Descent. Or The Cave. Or The Cavern. Because they didn’t have Chip Jamison, lucky sods.


Character Stuff:
Today, the Doctor’s full of life and as exuberant as Tom Baker on holiday in Paris. He used to explore caves on Gallifrey as a boy, getting lost for days. He loves ice cream, is trying to wean himself off getting junk from gift shops and at first is oddly lacking in curiosity over mysterious movements in cave. He is happy to send Christine off into unknown danger for a laugh (presumably hoping she gets killed, coz I know I am), and is clearly irritated by her lack of respect for his abilities. He’s got a pass for the Leisure Hive, is a member of a secret club called the Stonecutter’s Lodge, and is still carrying his jelly babies, sonic screwdriver and a bright twenty-sided torch that be increased or decreased in size. Clearly he went through an archaeological phase on his 200 year stint of misery and self-loathing, as he’s visited lots of cave systems for precisely that reason. He recently tackled a Raston Warrior Robot (The Five Doctors). He is disgusted at Christine for wanting to murder an innocent creature. He’s still wicked at Venusian Karate – though he hates using gun – and enjoys being considered ‘more suitable’ than human beings. He’s a bit slow on the uptake, not twigging just how insane Cross is until it’s too late.

Christine shows her usual enthusiasm by hating caves, tour guides, queues and being educated. She finds the Doctor embarrassing (ironic, as Miss “What are postcards?” stands out of the crowd more than the mad magician), is paranoid, superstitious and determined not to enjoy herself. For someone with such low self esteem, she is incredibly angry and stubborn when someone ignores her. She hasn’t seen the sonic screwdriver before and assumes it to be magic, stupid cow. She calls the Doctor ‘the worst of all living men’, the ungrateful bitch, but she later claims to have total faith in him to succeed against the monster. Make your mind up, woman. She claims to have no pity beyond that for those who hear the Doctor’s singing. She’s heard (of) banshees and is thoroughly taken back to be given ‘explanation’ duties. She is introduced to soft drinks (in particular Coca Cola, the symbol of the Free West) in this story.


Observations:
Who is that doing the voiceover of the add? It sounds like Sam West! No, it’s Michael Wade – AKA Lockwood from those Auton movies! What is a man of his calibre doing in crap like this?! If it’s blackmail, why is he doing so little? Did he destroy the evidence! Oh, this is so exciting! Oh. Wait. Yeah. Back to the story. Sigh...

Argh! Ludicrously inappropriate music from The Sea Devils, The Five Doctors and Chip Jamison in incredibly obvious exposition, I AM IN HELL! And so is the bloke who gave that incredibly convincing scream...

“Stalag-tights”? What are they? Pants from German prisons? Is it perhaps the fact none of the cast can pronounce stalactites? ‘Stalagtites,’ I ask you...

The Doctor’s full of life, he can go on forever... yep. He’s dead meat next story. Guaranteed.

“Why won’t you listen?!” Because you can’t act, you shouty moron! SHUT UP!! WHY DO THEY KEEP GIVING THIS IDIOT ACTING JOBS?!

My god, is every woman working at Southbank Caves being played by Sheri Devine? Why isn’t she credited for any of them? How many characters are called Chris? And why are they giving Christine so much dialogue? Do they not hear that demonic lisping?!? And won’t she realize all that talking to herself is just using up oxygen?

The Doctor’s “accidentally” locked Christine in a stone tunnel... it’s a start, Doc. Trust me, the next incarnation will wish you just put a bullet through her head. The audience already do.

“When we get out, I’m going to get the police!” The police are already investigating, you retard! SHUT UP! God, this character is even more moronic than Christine! He’s actually ASKING for things to go wrong, demanding it if anything! Just listen to him! And then he suddenly goes all quiet at the sight of imminent blood-drenched terror, not because he’s scared but because he’s thoughtful?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?!! Oh, how I miss Peter Hinchman...

Christine called Tim ‘Lord’. Does that make him a Tim Lord?

Just who decided to put the Gundan tune (for those who haven’t heard it, it’s ‘creepy suit of armor slowly comes to life and starts to move in a threatening manner’ music)? It’s a slow build of suspense played over two figures running for their lives being chased by a zombie puma! Not exactly a moment of subtle terror, is it? I despair... I really do!

Cavs? Kives? It’s sad the leading man cannot pronounce ‘cave’ the same way twice. Yet again the word “Shameelion” is used... dear god.

Massive props for the ‘ticket’ scene, with music and acting turning an unfunny ‘Doctor empties his pockets’ scene into something so tense and serious Douglas Camfield would have noticed it.

“And I’d be in total control.” I dunno about you, but I think Cross is getting horny...

Hah! The Doctor takes only three seconds to totally extract the mickey of Tim and his psychotic ‘acting’. And well done for him berating Tim for being so moronic. The scene about the whistle plan is blessed relief. If Tom was being smacked down in every scene, it’d be enjoyable, oh god, he’s talking to himself and being miserable! SHUT UP YOU STUPID MORON! SHUT UP!!!

Why do all these alien spaceships sound like a Zygon ship with a Skarasan sitting in the corner?

“If you must know, I’m in it for purely self-motivated reasons! Gold! Lots and lots of it!” Wow. Suddenly Sutekh the Destroyer is just forgotten against THIS brilliance!

I wonder if these gold-generating aliens ever tackle the Cybermen? That’d be interesting. And face it, this audio series seriously needs something interesting to happen.

Tragedy strikes, as ever, when suddenly it becomes impossible for new dialogue to be written for the Doctor and he starts spewing up quotes like “overblown adding machine”, “unlimited rice pudding”, “maybe it just liked my face?”, “intensely interesting”. It’s no surprise most of those are from Tom Baker’s Doctor?

All in all, who thinks the monster would be a better companion than Christine? I mean, if Ramsay the Vortisaur worked for Paul McGann...



Preposterous Plot Points:
How do domestic cats get trapped in a cave system?

The Doctor has spent two centuries on his own and he never got round to visiting the caves? That’s either very dumb or very believable and I’m honestly not sure which.

Why are there still being tours conducted in the caves simultaneous to a police search for a missing person?

The idea of Tim and Christine hiding from the monster by staying quiet doesn’t work as a) they shout their dialogue at each other and b) the creature is making so much noise it couldn’t hear them anyway.

Cross’ moronic staff. He would have killed them for his own kinky fun by now and got someone competent to work there.

So, we have a sentient space craft capable of growing parts of itself into living creatures it can transfer its mind into, with the ability to mimic a cave network and transform things into solid gold. A ship that has lasted for millions of years. Yet its creators never bothered to give it a distress beacon. Or come looking for it. And this incredibly advanced spacecraft... crashed. Doesn’t quite add up, does it?



Notable Dialogue:

The Doctor on Cross’ demise -
DOCTOR: Why do I keep feeling sorry for these people?

Drinking game: drink one small sip whenever Tim mentions the police. Be warned, more than one episode will lead to your liver being pickled.

DOCTOR: My nose is beginning to itch. Now, which is it? Hairs down the back of my neck means I’m being followed, knee acting up is for rain... what does an itchy nose mean? [sneezes] Oh. No, that’s not it. It means something funny is going on here.

Anyone else getting Patrick Troughton flashbacks?
CHRISTINE: Verily, it is mighty indeed!
DOCTOR: Yes, it IS big, isn’t it?

TIM: That definitely ISN’T a dog! This a day I’M definitely going to remember.

Another bit of my soul died...
DOCTOR: All these tunnels look the same.

TIM: All these stupid tunnels look alike!

DOCTOR: Are you both all right?
CHRISTINE: Verily!
TIM: About as all right as one could be considering...
DOCTOR: That’s the spirit! Now, I’ve got an idea to stop this creature! You have to be quick so it doesn’t get too far away. Chris, you remember when you whistled and the creature calmed down?
CHRISTINE: I...
DOCTOR: And then when you stopped it turned wild again? I think if you can whistle, as high as you can for as long as you can, we might just be able to... soothe the savage beast.
TIM: That’s talking an awful chance! How can you be sure something like that will work?
DOCTOR: I have it on the highest authority! ... I once saw Daffy Duck do it to the Tasmanian Devil.
TIM: (TO CHRISTINE) He’s nuts!
CHRISTINE: My Lord had dealt with many a demon.
TIM: YOU’RE BOTH NUTS!
DOCTOR: Positively crackers!


Cliffhangers:
1. Christine and Tim are fleeing through the tunnels, the former becoming psycho with terror and the latter getting duller by the second as they find themselves cornered by the monster. Suddenly the Gundan tune from Warriors’ Gate crashes inelegantly into the McCoy end credits.

2. Mrs Forrest finally twigs her insane employer may not have her best interests at heart as he takes her to look at his prehistoric spaceship in the heart of the caves. When she tries to leave, Cross uses a Blake’s 7 sound effect and announces she will NEVER leave! Oh, God, NO! A bit part character is in danger! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!

3. The Doctor sees the awful fate of Tim who was not deemed suitable by the alien craft. But the same thing will now happen to the Time Lord as Cross watches on, booming: ‘Goodbye, Doctor!’ Just like The Trial of a Time Lord cliffhanger thirteen... among so, so many others.

4. Heading back to the TARDIS, Christine offers the Doctor a can of Coca Cola. He takes it deadpan and reminds himself to get Christine a toothbrush once they leave. Doesn’t this count as product placement in Doctor Who? How dare they?!?





Miscellaneous:
This story came bottom of the season survey. The Chronic Rift won. Madness. Utter madness.


What Could Have Been Done To Improve It:

- Recast Tim. Or change the character to some passing pot holer or something. In fact, do both.

- Less stupid names for the baddies. “Cross”, “French”, “Forrest” and “Ship”, I ask you.

- A less abrupt ending.


The Party Line:
Not a bad little story. There is just enough to sustain it over four episodes, though it wouldn’t have hurt if it had been cut down to three. The ship is almost a sympathetic character in its insanity, wanting only to be free, though Tim comes across as somewhat annoying in his almost constant state of forced panic. The scenes between the Doctor and Christine during the tour show the relationship between them very well.


The Awful Truth:
Certainly the party line over Tim is the truth, albeit understated, and the relationship between the two leads is summed up as well – proving how pointless the character of Christine can be. As for the story itself, it’s undemanding fair with a painfully abrupt end. Nevertheless, worth a listen, and, despite the leading man’s fear, his performance is as good as ever in this, giving no hint that the next story would be his very last.




Illustrations:
The cover for The Hidden Menace. Ironic the only non-CGI is the one that looks silly...

Christine in mortal peril. I wonder what's on TV right now?



The Doctor is disturbed at some truly poor photoshopping. Look at the eyelines there, it's PAINFUL! The bald guy is supposed to be Jym DeNatale, BTW.


Christine shows just how much this dark claustrophic thriller terrifies her.

Review: Radio 2000

RADIO 2000 (18D)


(John S. Drew) 5 episodes.

The Doctor and Christine arrive on board the pirate radio station Radio 2000, orbiting high above the earth. Little do they realize the station is targeted for destruction by an evil dictator. But that's only the beginning of their troubles.





From the Back Cover:
The aftermath of World War III. Chaos. The breakdown of society.


What would you give up to live a normal life? Your freedom? Your planet?


In the years that followed mankind's greatest holocaust, a single leader emerges to rule the Earth with his iron fist. There is but a single voice which speaks out against him: that is the voice of Radio 2000.


But some people believe in Milan's rule. Some believe that it will take the disipline (sic) of a dictator to save the Earth from itself. And some are willing to stop at nothing to silence the voice of freedom which eminates from the lone station, high in orbit above the Earth.


The Doctor and Christine find themselves involved in a revolt where the stakes are far greater than just who will live at Number 10. Far greater indeed.


And there is a third party...waiting just outside the solar system...watching.

Plot:
25 weeks after Alexander Milan conquers the Earth by seizing control of the world’s defense satellites, a Las Vegas rebel movement is slaughtered before it can topple the dictator. The only survivor is a girl called Tara, who heads to the orbiting satellite Radio 2000, a pirate radio satellite, with a disc containing vital information. After an episode to get there, she is shot dead by someone. The TARDIS arrives and, guess what, the Doctor and Christine are suspected as the murderers. Shock! Another episode comes and goes. Milan is actually an agent of the alien Ovodians who are softening Earth up for invasion and colonization. More shock! The Doctor and two of the DJs head back to Earth to try and translate the disc. They get chased by werewolves, and Christine gets Rock History 101. Another episode comes and goes. The Doctor gets arrested and taken to meet Milan, who drones on about what a nice guy he is once you get to know him. Then he fires a missile at Radio 2000 and is double crossed by the Ovodians. The other DJs save themselves easily, so the Doctor sabotages their sabotage and the missile ends up blowing up the space station and the advancing alien ship while he, Christine and DJs escape in the TARDIS. They then finally play the damned disc and broadcast Milan’s evil phone messages of betrayal across the whole Earth, toppling his evil regime with some suitably inappropriate music.

Story:
Radio 2000 is clearly a story aiming high: it wants to be a socially-relevant, futuristic spy thriller focussing on media manipulation, peaceful rebellion and environmental conservation. It’s fair to say the story utterly fails on every count. The unspecified future world is a mix of Doctor Who standards like aliens, mutants, transmats and laser guns jammed with a Hollywood version of the past where gangsters run casinos, hippies run pirate radios, and armed soldiers shoot people very loudly. It is an awkward juxtaposition and near impossible to suspend disbelief. Then, this mass of ill-matched clichés would be a bad move at the best of time, but then Jeff Coburn’s Doctor arrives and in true character style refuses to take any of it seriously, killing off any credibility the story had.

Partly, Radio 2000 seems to have been inspired by Revelation of the Daleks – in particular Alexei Sayle’s DJ who acts as a Greek Chorus with a comedic slant on proceedings with anachronistic costumes, accents and music. But while the DJ was revealed to be simply an act for a shy man with an unusual admiration for rare music, the crew of Radio 2000 are all genuine enthusiasts, which stretches credibility past breaking point. Similar lapses of logic strikes Milan, while having the capability to destroy the space station, chooses not to lest it gives the rebellion a martyr – but he never seems to consider simply damaging it and preventing it from transmitting to the Earth, especially since he has a traitor aboard helping him.

Perhaps Radio 2000 could be enjoyed as a B-movie style homage, except the fact that John S Drew – who wrote The Time Brokers, The Doomsday Signal and Mesomorph – seems to have completely forgotten the basics of radio drama. The story is incredibly visual (such as Tara’s death scene) forcing characters to narrate what is happening in a very trite and unbelievable manner; this is doubly confusing since the radio station idea provides the perfect excuse, as used in Big Finish’s The Fearmonger and LIVE 34 (which, by coincidence, share the same theme music as Radio 2000). Worse is the sheer number of characters in the story with such painfully limited resources: the Radio 2000 DJs alone number more than the actual cast, leading to Chip Jamison and Jeff Coburn to have conversations with themselves.

This lack of cast means that the padding becomes almost farcical. There are two identical sequences of Jym de Natale’s character being mortally wounded and dying before Chip Jamison’s character and Tara, before they flee and Chip is killed by the encroaching militia. Worse, less than a minute after Tara is killed, another character played by Sheri Devine (with no real difference in performance) arrives, so it is completely baffling: is this newcomer Tara or not? Most of the acting is poor in this regard: Chip Jamison’s performance is a rare case of starting off decent and getting steadily worse, a truly eye rolling sarcastic recital of the dialogue, as if appearing as more than four characters seems too much for him to cope with and his main role suffers. David Segal is forced to make Milan a one-note megalomaniac simply to differentiate him from General Parker, and the story suffers even further.

The real trouble is that even on paper, the plot was dead in the water and clearly not intricate enough to spread across five episodes. The Doctor and Christine only join the story in the end scene of part one, and spend part two locked in a cupboard. Episode four is mostly taken up with a scene where Christine is explained the sort of basic plot details that should have been covered in part one. Tara’s journey to the station where everyone she meets is killed by surprise army attacks is totally superfluous, especially as Las Vegas is not revisited. Had she come from the East End (or maybe the East End scenes relocated to Nevada) it might have helped foreshadowing the doggie plot thread, which appears out of the blue as an excuse for some distinctly audio-unfriendly werewolves. On screen, a deserted London with roaming monsters could work, but on audio, it feels like a hasty excuse for a cliffhanger and a few chase scenes. The cliffhanger reprise to episode five is also incredibly long, and the news updates for each episode also feel more like padding out the running time than establishing characterization or motivation.

There are other problems. The shock reveal that Andrea is Frankie doesn’t work since we only get one other scene of her in that episode, and the twist that the one person they meet in London is the one person they need stretches coincidence beyond breaking point. Dr. Love’s betrayal is only revealed in his death scene, with no hints prior that he might have been the traitor. Meanwhile, Milan’s evil is already well established in the enjoyable and professional news updates at the start of each episode: but he becomes increasingly cartoon like in his evil, going from an evil dictator to a man who likes animal experimentation. Had the story gone any further, how long before he started stealing candy from children? This still doesn’t fit with the Milan presented to the Doctor, who is taking the ‘ends justify the means’ philosophy and trying to get Earth placed under the control – and thereby protection – of the Ovodians, a potentially interesting moral dilemma which is dubbed ‘obscene’ and not referred to again.

Finally, there seems to have been a troubled production of the story – several of the scenes with the Doctor and Christine are crudely inserted from a different story, the ultimately unmade The Metroid Invasion, and the original script had Christine part company from the Doctor and agree to stay on Radio 2000, but this was changed at the last minute without explanation. Presumably therefore, much of the material building up Christine’s departure was removed, hence her being almost completely sidelined throughout the sparse plot.

All in all, Radio 2000 is an interesting experiment that fails ironically not because it takes itself too seriously, but because it doesn’t take itself seriously at all.

Personal Appreciation: ***
A good basic idea, but the more I heard of it, the more it irritated me.

Character Stuff:
The Doctor is a total Banana Splits fanboy, even prepared to land the TARDIS in deep space for three days to pick up the transmission of a 1969 episode he missed first time round, and even keeps merchandise for it. Missing an episode makes him unusually annoyed, rather unreasonably accusing Christine of mucking about with the console to sabotage it. His love for 20th century pop culture and its after image is undimmed, he always wanted to be a DJ, and he knows a lot about the Bee Gee’s legacy. He’s genuinely sorry over the death of Tara and GM wolves, and advocates focussing on logic rather emotion during tragedy. He still has his deck of cards, a paperback of Through the Looking Glass he’s read twice (as in Fictional Hypothesis), a ping pong ball, confectionery, pocket fisherman, an unspecified remote control and an apple. He is a future Doctor (well, a prior incarnation wore frilly shirts and sounds like Pertwee). He hasn’t been to the 1960s or 70s for several years (his time) and limbos incredibly with training from Hudini, so he must have got those magic lessons. He knows about humanity’s attempts at time travel and doesn’t seem fussed at the idea (so they probably fail on their own.) He is willing to forgive Dr. Love he betrayal and wants him remembered for the good he did with his life. This incarnation of the Doctor seems to be reaching its expiry date: simply running away from wolves exhausts him, and he absent-mindedly forgets to take his sonic screwdriver from the console. He has never visited this time zone before in this incarnation, as his photo turns up nothing in Milan’s incredibly extensive files.

Christine is learning to read, write and play Go Fish (the Doctor’s lessons leave much to be desired), and she understands the basic gist of the Doctor’s explanations if he doesn’t include technobabble. She has no idea what the hell the Banana Splits are, but takes an instant dislike. She is still wary of leaving the TARDIS in a new location, and reacts with reasonable distress when confronted with fresh corpses. She is clued up enough to realize the Doctor bragging his sabotage skills won’t help their case. She believes honesty is the best policy – a trait which is good in padding out stories, since no one ever believes her crap about time travelling from the 13th century. Unfortunately it is irritating as hell. She still believes everyone to be her superior and addresses them as Lord or Lady. She seems to cope with culture shock by letting the Doctor do all the explaining, and her religious upbringing causes even more friction. The idea of all culture and expression being vetted by the authorities seems like a good idea to her. Her musical tastes are limited to the local church bell chimes. She decides to stay with the Doctor rather than ditch him for a bunch of loser radio celebs living on a world in the middle of political upheaval. Clever girl.

Observations:
Ok, before we start, there are too many characters and not enough actors, forcing the unfortunate cast to go Richard Briers in order to make characters distinctive. This becomes knife-like agony on the ears when you realize the characters aren’t WORTH making distinctive. Kudos to Chip Jamison for being highly tolerable in the first scene. By the end of part one you’ll want Faction Paradox to come for him as he sleeps, but he’s given material that not even Sylvester McCoy could salvage. On audio, anyway... Suffice it to say the cast are doomed to ruin this five parter. They had no choice. It’s the idiot writing this I blame.

Dear God, what the hell is that intro music? It was horrible! And about as dated as carbonized fossils!

Hmm, a news broadcast conveniently explaining the plot background. Is it subtle or incredibly blatant? Either way, it’s not as terrible as some efforts from this series. And doesn’t the McCoy music crash in perfectly – Keff McCulloch, history will bear your mediocre genius out in the long run.

Oh, Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit! A brilliant use there, hats off – this is up there with Tainted Love being played in The End of the World, or Voodoo Child as the Toclafane descend... no, wait, don’t stop it there! I want more Gracie Slick, not Jym de Natale expositing all over the place! No!

‘Wannabe hippies’? Surely that’s an oxymoron? How can you pretend to be a hippie? Are they really yuppies up there? And ‘yahoos’? ‘Riff-raff’? ‘Disc-jockeys’? Is this supposed to be the future?

Oh god. Curse of Fenric music. Why can’t they use more of the radio music?

Dear God, that general likes talking to himself. Be glad the enemy don’t have surveillance devices. Six minutes with this guy, I feel confident I’d know enough to seize control of the pentagon using only a paper bag and a banana.

The exposition.... the more appears, the worse it gets!

"NO!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?!?" Chip Jamison, ladies and gents. Master of subtlety.

Surely the TARDIS translator circuits mean Christine wouldn’t need to learn how to read or write? I mean, I know WHY she should learn, but if they were working, she should already understand that C-H-R-I-S spells her name? So either the circuits aren’t so good or else Christine’s brain doesn’t work well enough. Either possibility is feasible...

"You do?!" Uh, cut her a bit of slack, Doctor. That’s just harsh. She gets you came here to see something important, which is the main thing. Bad characterization for the Doc there.

Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. Yep. Evil music.

"You really enjoy using people, don’t you, Tony?" "I’m on the side of whatever makes me a buck, darlin." Dear God, does anyone REALLY think that this is realistic?! And all the mentions of vice and prostitution, very at home in a family drama.

That computer voice is better than Chip Jamison as Rocket Man. He is incredibly psychotic and aggressive for a peace-loving hippie – instantly losing faith in the cause and himself in a very loud and public manner in front of the people he believes has murdered them. Get a grip, dude. Hey, Rocket Man = Bowie = incredibly over-emotional loser with stilted dialogue = my god... ROCKET MAN IS BEN CHATHAM!!! Meanwhile, Chaz with his insistence on telling people when he goes to the bathroom for a piss is similar to a certain fishy fiend I could name...

"And just what did you do to her?" Well, since she’s lying on the floor with a bullet hole and a lot of blood, I suspect that she suffered an allergic reaction. Dear God, woman, what do you THINK was done to her?!

So Tara gets a favor and escape route from the very casino the rebels were going to take over anyway? Now, THAT is chutzpah!

"I had to prize her fingers open," sounds disturbingly like a scene from Drop the Dead Donkey. Which is something a news media spoof like this needs more of, dammit!

Is Alan played by Jeff Coburn? Respect! Good hysteria... unlike Chip Jamison playing two roles in one scene! Or David Segal doing the same thing in episode three. Jym de Natale is pretty good too; but it’s not difficult to be better than average in this hellhole.

OH JESUS CHRIST! THAT’S AWFUL! The channel surfing scene, with JDN talking posh, Chip Jamison talking with his mouth full, then David Segal talking bollocks. Is Milan the Master in disguise? Oh god, he sounds like an evil Gordon Brittas with all that ‘my dream’ stuff. Boo hoo. People don’t like you as dictator. You shoulda thought of that beforehand, dumbass!

Is that unintentionally garbled voice supposed to disguise the fact it is JDN talking? Of course, considering the sheer number of characters he plays, it could be anyone. Oh, it’s a completely different voice next time... Oh, it’s an alien. An alien we can barely understand. Like Donald Duck wearing a Cyberman voice changer. What the hell are they saying? Something about chancellors taking control with missiles, and Sheri Devine as an alien queen with sisters... I’ve lost the plot, I admit. I hope someone explains all this...

Dear God, first Babylon 5 music, Curse of Fenric, The Sea Devils then Hound Dog by Elvis?

Christine. PLEASE! STOP SCREAMING!! She’s quite decent until then...

"It’s ALL quite PLAIN!" You know who Rocket Man sounds like? Sandy from the Fashion Club in Daria. The way he draws out syllables for emphasis, but doesn’t break the monotone. However, Sandy was a fictional character and Chip Jamison is real. Oh, the lack of humanity as Daria would say. "NO! I REFUSE to BELIEVE this!" as Rocket Man wails.

Oh yes. The disc. Sweet Slitheen droppings, I’d forgotten about that.

Werewolves. Yeah. Just what this story of social media manipulation needed. An alien invasion and genetically modified werewolves. What next? Renegade Time Lords? Zombies? Virtual Reality?

So the Segal Doctor used to feed K9 chocolate ball bearings? Yeah, I can believe that. Such unfunny humiliation is just his style, that crazy plagiarism of a guy...

"You know what they say: an apple keeps the Doctor from becoming a doggie’s lunch!" I never thought I’d want Coburn’s Doctor to just shut the hell up, but since the cliffhanger he’s been so irritating he could teach things to Dara. Or skin diseases.

"Move out!" What? Where did that army come from? What the hell is going on?

Louis Armstrong’s A Wonderful World... and Christine babbles all the way through it. I honestly can’t understand a word she’s saying, and agree wholeheartedly with Gina.

My God, Chaz is supposed to be Michelangelo-style surf dude. And he’s played by Chip Jamison. And he gets FOUR whole hours of shouting into the microphone... I’m surprised anyone keeps listening.

"The time’s they are a-changing were a popular phrase at the time." No it bloody wasn’t!

Ovodians aren’t as bad as Daleks, Cybermen, Zygons or Sontarans, huh? So... they should be no problem at all. Wish it HAD been either the Daleks or Sontarans. Maybe this story could have been halfway presentable with some established moneyspinners...

Dear God, that has to be one of the worst cliffhanger resolutions ever! The General takes a pager call and thus cancels the execution...

Alan’s piss-taking of Christine is so good, it’s almost as if Charles Daniels wrote that single scene.

Nope. Still cannot understand a thing those aliens are saying.

Fascinating. There’s a traitor to Radio 2000 played by JDN. JDN plays Dr. Love. Dr. Love is not being treated the same way as the other prisoners. I wonder if this suggests something?

Not the Doctor Who gag! The Time Lord’s response ("Does it matter?") is vague recompense. But then it all goes horribly dark and people being shot! Damn it, the one character whose actor wasn’t tripled up and they just shot her! ARRGHHH!

"But we had a deal!" "How many times have I heard that refrain?" Ooh, smackdown!

This has to be the most long-winded and calmly discussed scene ever written involving a nuclear warhead hurtling straight for the defenseless space station. I mean, why not have tea and biscuits while you’re at it? No rush, after all.

"Panopticon-8 Remix?" What? The? Hell?!

I’m too busy trying to identify the backing music to hear the incriminating evidence! But the idea of Radio 2000 setting up a new base on the TARDIS is kind of cool. It’s certainly not as irritating as other parts of the plot, at the very least.

Aw, Milan didn’t get shot through the head? That means this ridiculous society is here to stay!

"Christine, stay with us!" Er, what?! I desperately want her to, but I can’t see any logical reason for it...

Preposterous Plot Points:

The Earth portrayed in Radio 2000 is more ridiculous than the one in Torchwood.

Let’s start with Radio 2000. I mean, "2000"? Why name it that if that year is long and gone. Would YOU name a radio station "Radio 1954"? You’d only name it that if it was the wavelength you were broadcasting from, so are we to assume that this is the frequency from a space station?! Is it because this story came out in the year 2000? When it was set three hundred years later? Give me strength.

And what about the music? It is solely from a forty-five year period around three centuries previous, and there seem to be no music CDs or electronic storage like iTunes. Even if, say, some millennium bug sort of disaster occurred, the idea that records would have survived along with the ability to keep playing them is ridiculous. If the satellite can communicate with the entire Earth, why can they not send images? This should be some massive version of Countdown, with lots of clips off youtube, but instead everyone acts like both society and technology have not changed since the 1980s. OK, it was a story made in 1998, but surely they realized the future concerns would be a bit more spectacular? And why would anyone want ‘classic rock and roll’? It should all have been remixed beyond all recognition by now! And isn’t it lucky that everyone on the station likes naming themselves things like Dr. Love or Rocket Man, and all experts on this historical period who also find a stash of LPs from that same period? None of them could have been alive at the time as they all appear to be around thirty, so the passionate tirades on 80s consumerism and soul music ring hollow. I’m waiting for the reveal some time ripple left this bunch of 1980s sad rockers in orbit, but that relief never comes. We’re just supposed to accept them as typical future people – despite the fact they were cliched stereotypes at the time they were written.

Then there is Milan, a dictator who got into power by appeasing the public... then took over the Star Wars program to do his evil work. He then rounds up all the intellectuals, trouble-makers, etc, and take over the world media, and no one has tried to stop him? Like 1984 or V for Vendetta, there’s at least some kind of massive event that allows such a change in society, but in LESS than six months? How can a planet that has teleport and colonies on other worlds allowed such an invasion to occur that would be hard to pull off in the year 2000, let alone three hundred years of even more security and paranoia!

Or how about the Las Vegas’ mafiosi casino full of cliched 1940s gangsters who love nothing more then explaining how corrupt they are in front of his customers? The way the government removed all the T-mat booths... which means mass starvation should be striking the planet since they need T-mat to send food and supplies around the globe which is why they were built in the first place! Just how has Milan replaced that? Do food runs from airplanes? Or does he put all his political enemies in the third world and dump all the locals in the free west?

And why doesn’t anyone on either side brief their troops UNTIL they are five seconds from combat? Like a very basic lecture on using laser rifles before getting people using it? And why didn’t anyone notice the big blue wooden box arrive out of nowhere next to the teleport bay? How come humanity doesn’t believe in aliens in the twenty-third century?!

Jansen tells his secret plans to the people of Radio 2000, who he openly believes are cowardly traitors, and who broadcast to the entire world. And then he is surprised that he is betrayed. Bloody hell, did the Daleks wipe out all the good bits of the gene pool?! This is a world that is supposed to impress us with someone carrying a CD? Why didn’t they email or SMS the information? They could spam the internet, and the idea that Milan could control it is ridiculous: the best he could do is block most of the websites...

Tara’s boyfriend is a DJ at Radio 2000. So her boyfriend spends all his time on an orbiting space satellite, never on the same planet with her, and she refuses to visit. Tara must be a real patient gal – and how does she know on sight the others in the station if the station cannot send pictures?

So humanity decided to let the rainforests die off because the medicinal properties of the plants could be created artificially. And were surprised at the ecological disaster that followed. I’m sorry, WTF?!? The average two year old could explain that the rainforests are slightly more important than herbal drugs! And the ENTIRE Human Race FORGOT this?!? And despite the environmental collapse, they decided to wage war rather than say, a concerted effort to repair the damage?

How exactly do White Rabbit, Staying Alive, Hound Dog and A Wonderful World manage to be anti-authority propaganda music? Why not something by the Sex Pistols?! And why does Milan, who is clearly prepared to shoot people dead right in front of him, send the Doctor off to be executed on firing squad, which is just begging for him to escape and foil his plans?

What a horrible future we live in.

Notable Dialogue:

Massively gratuitous use of the title, starting with:
FUNKY DAN: Radio 2000 will continue to keep you abreast of the latest developments while entertaining you with 24 hours of classic rock and roll!

More gratuitous use of titles, and self-justifying wank!
MILAN: How easy it has all been. This world, hanging on The Edge Of Destruction, needed a firm hand. I brought the stability needed. But how much longer can I hold it together? As time goes by, more and more people are becoming disenchanted with my vision, my dream. As I manage to root out another nest of vipers, twice as many spring up to challenge me – AND THAT ACCURSED RADIO 2000! They spread their filth, stirring up the rabble... I would shoot them out of the sky, but that would make them martyrs! Their message and cause would just become more powerful and encourage those fence-sitters to topple over to the rebel sides! Why don’t they understand? It’s for their own good. I cannot let anyone or anything stand in the way of total domination!

Political sociology 101 by Chip Jamison amongst others:
AUSTIN: I’m SURE there are things Milan says and DOES that MANY people WILL agree with. That’s how the MAN GOT INTO POWER in the FIRST place: you know, it sounded like a good IDEA at the time?

ROCKET MAN: She believed that it was action that spoke louder than words. Maybe she was right.
DR. LOVE: My man, you cannot be thinking that what we’re doing up here is not helping.
ROCKET MAN: IS it?! We sit up here and we RATTLE on, claiming to be keeping hope ALIVE, and yet there are people, GOOD PEOPLE, DYING on our WORLD BELOW!
DR. LOVE: And we should just jump right in there and throw our lives away with the rest of them?
ROCKET MAN: At LEAST it might MEAN SOMETHING.
DR. LOVE: I dunno. Tara’s death seems pretty meaningless to me...
ROCKET MAN: WHY YOU?!?!?!

CHAZ: For a PRICE!
ALAN: And what is wrong with that? Pure capitalism at its best!
CHAZ: SPOKEN like the TRUE MATERIALIST of the 80s!
ALAN: Don’t let us get into that again...
CHAZ: In case you’ve FORGOTTEN, we’re at WAR HERE! People like TONY are LEECHES! They should be HELPING us!

CHAZ: In THE "You Can’t Get It Right ALL the TIME" DEPARTMENT, Milan’s forced STORMED a school in VANCOUVER earlier this morning! Working on a TIP from a SUPPOSED "informed SOURCE"! ACCORDING to the TIP, a number of HIGH-PROFILE rebels were HIDING out in the SCHOOL’S CAFETERIA. All MILAN’s goons did was DISRUPT the school’s ASSEMBLY HONOURING THE WORLD LEADER! In the MEANTIME, those SAME HIGH-PROFILE REBELS managed to slip out of CANADA into ALASKA where I’m sure they’re rubbing noses with the ESKIMOS BY NOW!

CHAZ: DUDES! I’ve GOT to let you KNOW that the next FOUR MINUTES or so are gonna be TENSE! There’s a MISSILE heading STRAIGHT TOWARDS the STATION! It’s SAFE to SAY that Milan has AUTHORIZED this strike, CONSIDERING he controls the world’s MILITARY! You see HERE now, PEOPLE?! The LENGTHS to which MILAN is WILLING TO GO IN ORDER TO RID HIMSELF OF A NUISANCE SUCH AS RADIO 2000?!? We’re going OFF the air in a few MINUTES, but we’ll go out playing the BEST of classic ROCK AND ROLL! And WITH THAT, let’s pick up a little with PANOPTICON-8 REMIX!!

ALAN: There are millions of people worldwide who literally spend their day allowing Milan to continue without any resistance. They look in the other direction while their neighbors are dragged away, suspected of anti-loyalist operations. What kind of human walks the planet Earth these days? I’m not saying that myself and those who dwell on this station are beyond scrutiny when it comes to claiming our humanity. I suppose it’s easy to be brave when I’m safely tucked away up here at Radio 2000. Till tomorrow, my friends.

GENERAL PARKER: This is going to be good! These rebels have been nothing but a bunch of pests! Bad enough we have to deal with the criminal element, but then you have these misfits causing trouble! To think, one of their own ratted them out, they can’t even trust each other!

DOCTOR: You can’t do that!
MILAN: "Can’t"? Doctor, I’m the world leader!

You’re dead meat, dude:
JANSEN: Don’t be so melodramatic! What could possibly be that bad?

Paging Nigel Verkoff...
DOCTOR: I’m called the Doctor and this is my friend, Christine.
DR. LOVE: "Doctor"? Hello, my fellow practitioner. I too am a doctor. A doctor of lurve.

Interrupting Parker’s speech:
FUNKY DAN: Well, we don’t need to hear the rest of that rhetoric...

A lovely Coburn Doctor moment:
ANDREA: How can you sit there so calm?
DOCTOR: Helps me think better.
ANDREA: You’re working out a plan to escape?
DOCTOR: I know nothing about where we are, so planning to escape isn’t such a good idea.
ANDREA: How do we get out of here?
DOCTOR: I’ve often found escape possibilities occur when you least expect it.
ANDREA: In other words, you’re making it up as you go along?
DOCTOR: Exactly!

Hah. Bloody. Hah.
CHRISTINE: That noise! What is it?
DOCTOR: Disco.
CHRISTINE: It sounds evil.
DOCTOR: There are many that thought it was.

Dear God, who thought this was worthy of recording?
DR. LOVE: This changes nothing, Parker! We may die but the cause will live on!
PARKER: Please! You sound like a late-nit vid-link movie, one of those awful ones from the twentieth century!
ANDREA: I haven’t seen one of those in ages. Milan stopped their broadcast.
PARKER: A good thing too.

Gina sums up my opinion of Christine:
GINA: You’re getting my head dizzy with your speech.

The Doctor’s bitch factor cranks up to eleven:
DOCTOR: General, this is all futile – there’s an alien fleet on its way to Earth!
GENERAL PARKER: I’ve heard some wild tales from rebels on their way to execution. Thankfully, you’re not begging for your life, it gets boring after a while.
DOCTOR: You fool, Parker...
GENERAL PARKER: If the fools are on the right side of this conflict then call me the Biggest Fool of All Time.
DOCTOR: No. That title is reserved for a select few. But you come close.

More realistic and credible world-building:
TONY: There aren’t many illegal transmat devices in the area. The government was pretty good about taking them all out. It is only my generosity to the local law enforcement that allows me to keep mine.

CHAZ: Dude! This sounds like an old episode of that TV show Murder She Wrote!
GINA: This isn’t one of your cheesy 20th century tele-pictures, Chas! This is for real!

NEWSREADER 1: And protestors in Gunai, India, were doused with petrol by loyalist forces as they tried to storm a temple...
NEWSREADER 2: English poet Lindsey Templeton was arrested today after trying to post her latest propaganda piece, Tears of the Singer, on a number of cars in the East End of London. The poem – a lament on what she deemed "lost freedoms", freedoms such as taking illegal drugs and raising anarchy with random talk...
NEWSREADER 3: General Parker completed another successful mission against rebel forces outside Las Vegas, Nevada. According to sources, these rebels were planning on taking the once sinful city. General Parker followed his victory by shutting down one of the largest underground casinos operating there, Tony’s...

FUNKY DAN: The latest release from Milan-approved singing sensation, Curvy-Wurvy, has met with some controversy. It seems that if you play Let the Sun In Your Heart backwards, you can hear soft chanting in the background. The chant – ‘Milan is the Devil’ – was detected by the government watchdog group searching out media offenses meticulously and discovered the lyrics during one of their normal scans. There is no word from singer Charlie Mason or any of the band members. A spokesman for the group has stated the groups’ loyalty to Milan is unquestionable and a full investigation into the matter is proceeding. You know, the real problem here isn’t a crime against Milan, folks. This group just stinks and their music goes against everything that’s good. But that’s just one man’s opinion. Now, here’s a little something that will certainly make you want to get up and dance!
(The theme music starts)

Cliffhangers:
1. Rocket Man discovers Tara is dead and then leaps to the conclusion that the Doctor and Christine are responsible. "You’ll pay for this – whoever you are – with your lives!!" shouts the gun-wielding hippie with all the restraint and believability you’d expect from Chip Jamison. This sort of cliffhanger is so common, but off the top of my head, Earthshock part two.

2. An explosion leaves the Doctor buried under some debris, and as Christine tries to help, paranoid Alan arrives with a gun intending to execute the intruders for murdering Tara. Er, this is the same cliffhanger as last time, for crying out loud!

3. The Doctor flees behind a building in the East End as prowls of mutant wolves attack. His babbling to himself proves to be a fatal mistake – his reminiscences about K9 have attracted one of the monsters which is right behind him... On TV, without the dialogue, it might have worked. Might have, since these random loups-garoux just appeared in the story without any warning.

4. The Doctor, Dr. Love and Andrea are ambushed by General Parker and his troops, and thrown up against a wall as his men form a firing squad. Just like The Caves of Androzani part one. Or The War Games part one. Or The War Games part four. Or The War Games part five. Or that bit in Curse of Fenric...

5. The TARDIS takes off, leaving the Radio 2000 crew to wonder what the hell they’ll do now. The trouble is, I doubt anyone really cares.

Miscellaneous:
In episode four, there is this exchange between Chaz and Gina: "I thought I’d START with a little Don’t Quit Your DAY JOB Players, take IT from there." "That’s obscure, Chaz." "For the NINETIES? YEAH! But the group DID experience some success in the EARLY 21st century! Front percussionist Di CANDIDO released a tell-all BOOK about the BAND, following it up with a SOLO ALBUM of his own. I haven’t heard anything THAT bad since Gerry Halliwell’s (pronounced Holly-will) solo EFFORT!"

The Don’t Quit Your Day Job Players were a real band and friends of Drew, the author of the story. So basically, he says the band were destined to be a one-hit wonder and split up. Optimistic outlook there, Drew. Did any of the players get a free copy? I bed you and Di Candido are still the best of friends...

What Could Have Been Done To Improve It:
- A complete rethink of the future world. Like, maybe, actually think about it at all.

- Have the Ovodians and their ‘benevolence’ be more of a plot factor.

- Smaller cast of characters

- Better music and longer clips of it

- More karma for Milan. And a personality. And a better name. I mean, ‘Milan’? Why not ‘Cromer’?

The Party Line:
This is actually pretty campy, and thus really fun. The crew of Radio 2000 have very definite personalities, though it is Alan and Rocketman who seem to steal the show. Hearing everyone bicker and banter back and forth is what will have you coming back again and again. Even the bumper music is tailored to each personality, just as it should be! Story-wise, you have the interesting question of how much freedom one is willing to give up for peace. At five episodes, none of it is wasted.

The Awful Truth:
With more ups and downs than a manic depressive on a roller coaster, Radio 2000 is a deranged, badly plotted mess – its heart may be in the right place, but nothing else is. The titular DJs are hard to tell apart, and neither are their enemies. Rocket Man seems to have no personality whatsoever and he and Dr. Love are barely in three of the five episodes, so them stealing the show was clearly done without anyone noticing. The plot is stretched ridiculously at the start and compressed at the end, with a dictatorship being introduced over an hour and felled in thirty seconds. The ideas have some merit, but this entire enterprise was done somewhat better by Big Finish under the title LIVE 34.

Illustrations:
Fan cover for Radio 2000. Rather good isn't it? Captures Chip Jamison's face very well.

The real cover for Radio 2000. I assume that bald dude is supposed to be Milan.


The Doctor and Christine pick up an episode of The Banana Splits. Odd how they now have a CGI Hartnell control room, because it shouldn't be changed until after the Doctor regenerates and redecorates everything...

The Doctor has a bad hairday in a furniture showroom and plays with a labrador. Odd, the scene in the audio is set in a night alleyway with something out of Dog Soldiers.

Review: Mesomorph

MESOMORPH (14D)

(John S. Drew and Joseph Medina) 3 episodes.

An archeological expedition frees a deadly alien creature from its frozen tomb. Can the Doctor and Jessie find and stop this perfect hunter before it destroys Dublin?




From the Back Cover:
"How do you kill something you can't see?"
AEONS AGO, IT CAME TO EARTH.
"It is the perfect hunter."
NOW, IT IS AWAKE.
"It's always watching..."
ALIVE.
"Waiting..."
AND HUNGRY.
"Doctor...what is it?"



Plot:
Arriving in 1990s Dublin, the Doctor discovers a new dinosaur has been discovered – except it’s not a dinosaur, but a shape-shifting omnivore that was left in suspended animation by the Ice Age. Only it’s not in suspended animation any more, and the Mesomorph escapes the museum and starts assuming ingenious shapes in order to eat dispensable Irish stereotypes. The Doctor distracts it by crashing a bus into it and when the Mesomorph assumes the form of the Doctor, it can’t act convincingly and is frozen again by UNIT. The Doctor runs for it in the TARDIS before he picks up either a companion or any more links to Earth, and he takes the remains of the Mesomorph with him.


Story:
Mesomorph can easily be summed up as Doctor Who versus The Blob, with the added idea of the ever-changing creature can mimic objects, much like the Polymorphs of Red Dwarf. However, while the Polymorphs change their forms specifically to trick their prey into generating emotions the Polymorph can feed on, the Mesomorph merely looks inconspicuous long enough to simply eat them. This lack of sophistication means the monster is not particularly friendly to the audio medium, unable to speak, converse or do much else except force the main characters to describe its actions after the fact.

The casting of Sheri Devine right after her departure as Dara is a documented cockup (the original actress was unable to play Holbrock), but it doesn’t excuse it or the fact there’s a teenage girl called Dana in the script being played by Rachel Sommers. What’s more troubling is the fact the Doctor functions in the story perfectly well without ANY companion, further emphasizing the fact Dara was just a companion rather than anything special, despite all the efforts of the production team to make her so important. Jessica’s involvement is not well handled. After challenging Chase’s theories, she vanishes from the story and then reappears claiming to be the Doctor’s niece... as if Dara was written out of part one, but left in parts two and three and required a rapid change of name to cover it. Certainly Jessica has no obvious reason for her to suddenly stalk the Doctor, claim to be his niece and blindly charge into known danger...

Setting the story in Dublin is an interesting choice, but apart from Ireland lacking notable dinosaurs fossils, there is no real reason for the story to be there. There is no easy access to UNIT, the streets are full of criminals, homeless, sex-starved officials and incredibly vacuous teenagers – often with loud American accents and being played by Chip Jamison. Also, the plot races past slightly too quickly for it to be comfortable. Once the nature of the monster is explained, it becomes a predictable chase sequence and mini-slasher flick with various characters being slaughtered moments after being introduced. UNIT only appears briefly in the third episode, but is mentioned with irritating frequency in the first two episodes. This bad pacing and skewed priorities is typical of Drew’s work, but Medina seems to make things go faster rather than slow down.

The most annoying problem is the ‘funny’ fan in jokes, mainly involving side swipes at other science fiction shows (Blake’s 7, Thunderbirds, Dan Dare, Mandrake, The X-Files, Total Recall). Worst of all in a story that involves a dinosaur running amok in modern times, discovered via blood in a preserved mosquito, is a joke that Steven Spielberg intends to make the Fentasaur part of a Jurassic Park sequel (only five years after it was shown, so very topical humor there). It is the equivalent of the author grabbing you and shouting, “Have you guessed the inspiration yet, have you? Have you? Well, here’s a big clue...”

In fact, it becomes very confusing in a mextatextual way. If humans are so insular, how did they write and film a movie in the 1950s that predicted the modus operandi of the Mesomorph, its arrival in prehistoric times and discover its weakness to intense cold? As the Doctor notes, “This isn’t television, man!” when it so patently is...


Personal Appreciation: **
Remaking old sci-fi horror films as Doctor Who stories. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t...


Character Stuff:
The Doctor is seemingly completely and utterly and totally over Dara, though he does enjoy having some companion-substitute to baffle. He was heading for the Great Pavilion, and missing that destination and arriving in a waxwork museum makes him so paranoid he assumes he’s about to be attacked by Autons. And he’s wrong. He likes Blake’s 7, a pint of Guinness, and Dublin in general. Good for him. He carries a small rodent as alien currency, and likes candy apples. Without his companion, he is more prone to anger rather than using the charm, and is forced to call in UNIT to get him out of trouble. It’s emphasized when the Doctor uses physical violence (albeit Venusian Akido) and is quick to distance himself from humans/stupid apes. He acquired a trunk three centuries ago full of nick-knacks including bio-scanners and magic playing cards – which he used in a missing adventure with Princess Elizabeth. At the end of the story he makes a clean break of it, severing his ties with UNIT and turning down Jessica’s offer to join him aboard the TARDIS on the grounds she might have a destiny on Earth. The guilt from the creature is clearly still getting to him.


Observations:
Isn’t it lovely that we happen to start the story with a conversation where two people tell each other all sorts of stuff they should already know in needless detail.

Oh God... just when you think things can’t get dumber than the muffled accoustics of a sweeping icy tundra, we have fully grown men pretending to be three-year-old Thunderbirds fans who hate Blake’s 7... Is that your knife? May I use to hack my fingers off one by one to distract myself from this inanity? No, thank YOU...

The accents are surprisingly good, all things considered. Trouble is, not everyone has them. That annoying American being an Irish Guard really stretches credibility more than the shape-altering monster. (Why, yes, he IS played by Chip Jamison, however did you guess?)

The sound design, however, is terrible – that has to be the quietest and most orderly press conference ever. You could hear a pin drop...

Argh! Why can’t anyone come up with new dialogue! Is it so difficult NOT to have the line “I’m allowed everywhere!” to be jammed into scenes?

Brilliant moment as the Doctor’s chatting to himself getting him caught.

Er, the brilliant scientist uses “a great deal” twice in the same sentence. Obviously not a genius in speech writing. Or making speaches. I’ve heard Cybermen with more emotional range.

“Fentonus Rex” is treated with the respect it’s deserved by all the characters.

Sweet Onion Chutney, the fire extinguisher sound effect is someone going “Shhh!” very loudly...

Why must they insist on giving Chip Jamison these roles? He can’t act, he can’t do accents, or portray any emotion beyond ‘selfish indignation’ and then they give him a lion’s role as a blinkered moron and give him incredibly lame dialogue? Is this some kind of vendetta against the audience? Or against Chip?

Another rare case of the DWADs living up to their hype over the hideous death of the tramp.

Oh God... could Sheri Devine play a more irritating companion than Dara? In a word? Yes. Yes she could. Jessica is a bossy, stubborn, inexplicable woman whose curiosity is not tempered by common sense and a gadfly mind with no staying power. A choice between Dara and Jessica would be easy, but a choice between Jessica and Christine would be pure purgatory... God, I sweat with fear just thinking about it.

Why does a non-sentient carnivore need its ego stroked? Just EAT him, you stupid blob!

Even Jessica can predict the conclusion of the plot. Mind you, she gets over the Doctor dumping her so quickly I wonder if she was paying attention.

Oooh! Welsh references! Prime Ministers bugging UNIT... THIS IS GETTING SPOOKY!


Preposterous Plot Points:
If Professor Fenton Chase did get a dinosaur named after him, surely it would be a Chasosaur or something similar? Why his first name? Was the Allosaurus named after a chap called Alan? Noted paleontologists do not include Dino, Stego, Tricero or Muttabutta...

Blake’s 7 gets a part in an Irish waxwork museum? Even I, a diehard fan, find that difficult to believe. Especially as it would be off the air for the last twenty years. Come to think of it, Thunderbirds getting their own section screams ‘fan-pleasing bollocks’. Yet, Star Trek doesn’t make an appearance. God, it’s childish, isn’t it? All crap sci-fi is rendered fictional, I ask you... yet somehow Professor X is already there. Dear dear. Sounds like a confession... And why is the mother so horrified at letting the children hear the theme tune to Blake’s 7? Is the waxwork display showing the final shootout?

Dara’s gone. So... they make the companion character exactly the same as Dara in personality and get Sheri Devine to play it. That’s like Donna Noble being played by Billie Piper. DEFEATS THE POINT RATHER, DOESN’T IT?!

So no one really knows much about UNIT... uh huh... except they deal with aliens... right. So we know nothing about UNIT except the one thing they do their damnedest to keep secret at all costs.

Obviously, the DWAD production team believe Tom Baker is right over the English language and it is pronounced “Sham-meel-ee-on” rather than “Kam-eel-ee-on”.

Colonel Chrichton is answering the phones? What cutbacks have UNIT being suffering?

Why is an archaeologist so fascinated in paleontology?


Notable Dialogue:

Just one of countless gratuitous uses of the title:
DOCTOR: You’ve unleashed a Mesomorph onto your world!

DOCTOR: I’m known as... Smith. Doctor John Smith.
CHASE: An obvious alias if I’ve ever heard one.
DOCTOR: Use them often, do you?

JESSICA: What were you looking for?
DOCTOR: My lucky deck of cards. I know this great trick where I can guess the card YOU picked, plus the next three cards that lie under it!
JESSICA: Is this going to help up take out the Mesomorph?
DOCTOR: No, but it’s a great ice-breaker at parties. Princess Elizabeth could never figure out how I did it.

Chase, master of the deadpan put down:
JESSICA: Many of your works postulate theories as to why certain species equipped to handle certain climates migrated to different locations. This discovery of yours would certainly validate those claims except that there is no way that creatures such as what you have discovered should be found here. They’re more native to a jungle region.
CHASE: They moved.
JESSICA: Then they were the dumbest creature ever to walk the Earth

DOCTOR: What is a Virgin store? Or do I not want to know?

BUS DRIVER: You say he’s your uncle?
JESSICA: That’s right.
BUS DRIVER: You’re not adopted?
JESSICA: No.
BUS DRIVER: Shame.

The Doctor finally lets rip:
DOCTOR: Professor Chase! I am sorry that your little discovery has managed to get up and walk away without you being the wiser for it! I am sorry that your name will not be etched on the winds of time with Darwin and Leekey and such! But most of all, I am TRULY sorry to see that despite ALL the years of education you’ve obtained, you can still manage to be a complete IMBECILE!!!

The last time the DWAD UNIT team do... anything.
CHRICHTON: Well, it was nice working with you again, Doctor. Perhaps we can do so again?
DOCTOR: Unless we’re working on jigsaw puzzles, Colonel, I hope you’ll understand when I say I hope we’ll never work together again.


Cliffhangers:
1. The Doctor notes that the glass casing formerly holding the Fentosaur was broken from the inside, not the outside. The “remains” – really a mesomorph – have broken free and left the Natural History Museum to unleash chaos on Dublin. Best place for it, really.

2. Jessica is startled as a homeless man is consumed by his cardboard box, only for said box to change shape into a monster and charge at her. She narrates this and screams for the Doctor. Thrilling.

3. Jessica asks to travel with the Doctor but he refuses and encourages her to remain on Earth and continue her work rather than abandon it. “What an odd fellow,” Jessica muses as the TARDIS takes off. “He must be from Wales.”

Miscellaneous/Illustrations:
The illustrations from the DWAD Gallery on Mesomorph consist only of this image. Rubbish, isn't it?


What Could Have Been Done To Improve It:

- Set it somewhere else. Or just give up on the accents.

- Have the Mesomorph intelligent enough to assume human form earlier in the plot for a bit of body-snatcher paranoia.

- A more interesting conclusion.

- Colonel Chrichton does something worth meriting his last appearance in the DWADs


The Party Line:
Probably the weakest story of the thirtieth season, but only because there are so many heavyweights surrounding it, Mesomorph owes a lot to movies like The Blob and other 50’s B-type classics If you’re into that sort of stuff, you’ll have a great time with Mesomorph. If not, then you may be in for a let down. But the scene where the homeless man gets eaten is great, crunching and all!


The Awful Truth:
Mesomorph could never have worked the way it should – it’s a paranoid slaughter fest with an ever-changing monster. It needs characters and victims we care about, it needs to be set against a realistic backdrop and it needs to be a genuine threat. With a solo Doctor in a Dublin written clearly by someone that’s heard it’s in Ireland but isn’t a hundred per cent sure, and a monster that seems to prefer shape shifting into dinosaurs, this story is stillborn despite it’s clear potential. Mesomorph has to be one of the forgotten stories of the Coburn Doctor, which is a pity. It’d probably make a decent 45 minute episode for the new show.