(Robert Dunlop) 4 episodes.
Deep in the caves of Southbank, visitors are suddenly beginning to disappear, and the growls of a frightening, unearthly creature can be heard echoing off the cavern walls. Something is searching for someone "suitable"...and it now believes that it has found him.
From the Back Cover:
A visit to some caves in a quiet English village turns into a nightmare for the Doctor and Christine when they discover a killer hiding in the dark, an animal which doesn't even belong to this time.
Investigating further, they find out more than visitors to the caves are meant to know and realise that the town, and even the country, is in danger from a creature, hungry and waiting for food.
The mysterious manager is no help. Does he know more than he's letting on?
Why is a door mysteriously opening and closing in a supposedly normal cave wall? Is everything as real as it seems?
There's something else down there...deep, deep down in the rock. Buried and hidden throughout the centuries. But what is it and how can it explain what is happening?
For the two time travellers one thing's for certain: They're in danger along with the whole population of Southbank. And if the creature escapes from the caves, will they be able to stop it?
Plot:
The Doctor and Christine visit some caves on a tour group. People are going missing in the tunnels, caves are there that are not on the maps. The time travelers poke their noses into things that don’t concern them and discover a kind of incredibly annoyed CGI panther prowling around Southbank Caves. It is connected to an ancient space craft with a habit of zapping anyone unsuitable for it. It turns out the ship and the monster are effectively one creature and it requires a living mind of suitable capacity to help it escape. After million years it locates a suitable brain in the Doctor and tries to use electric shock therapy to force him to help, unfortunately its incredibly moronic human helper shoots one of the CGI panthers, and causes the ship to self-destruct.
Story:
If one word sums up The Hidden Menace, it’s “traditional”. It’s a story any Doctor could have had, with a recognizable locale, dark tunnels, unthinking guard monsters being ruled by a more intelligent threat, human traitors, alien presence in established history... even the title, so generic it could apply to just about ANY Doctor Who story, lacks only the ‘X of Y’ format to make it the most formulaic title ever. The plot – which features the Doctor and various other characters being forced to head up and down dark tunnels chased by a monster, aided and abetted by a human traitor – is also nicely derivative, with riffs on The Krotons, Doctor Who and the Silurians, Revenge of the Cybermen, The Face of Evil, and to an extent The Girl in the Fireplace. The fact The Hidden Menace targets the same themes rather than being outright copying elevate it above the rehashes of the Segal era. As the Doctor notes, there are similarities to the stories of the big bad wolf, the Pied Piper, and Hound of the Baskervilles in a wild animal that can be controlled by whistling tunes, especially by a ruthless businessman.
Although it is easy to forgive the story for its derivative subject matter, The Hidden Menace is by no means flawless. The cast of characters is surprisingly small and the plot seems stretched to cover four episodes, with the content of the first three (monster notwithstanding) easily being fitted into a twenty-five minute episode. The ending is unforgivably abrupt, with the ship, computer, and monsters all dying moments after their role on the plot is finally explained, and the Doctor’s later revelation that the ship could never have been free makes the whole thing feel rather pointless.
Another drawback is Chip Jamison’s intensely irritating performance as Tim, but a case of bad acting is not as severe as the problem of the major villain Cross. There, actor Jym DeNatale is refreshingly subtle but he has nothing to really work with. Cross changes at random from a cynical money-loving manipulator to sadistic psychopath to insane lost soul apparently at random. He expounds his nihilistic belief that death does not matter as long he gets gold moments before explaining he initially never intended for anyone to be harmed. Exactly why he relies on incompetent staff and makes things so difficult is not clear, nor why he hasn’t arranged some kind regime to keep the ship supplied with new material to check over. On the bright side, as DeNatale manages to make Cross sound dangerous during his periodic descents into childhood, and performs the ‘evil’ bits with a flirty tone, as if Cross is aroused at the thought of death and power. It’s a pity this quality does not extend to the dialogue, which is frankly embarrassing.
Since the audio dramas, seemingly satisfied by ‘revamping’ the Master, the Daleks and UNIT, abandoned all continuity-driven fan-pleasing storylines in favor of new, self-contained plots, The Hidden Menace comes across as refreshingly straightforward and unpretentious – a marked difference to most of the range.
Personal Appreciation: ***
It’s no The Descent. Or The Cave. Or The Cavern. Because they didn’t have Chip Jamison, lucky sods.
Character Stuff:
Today, the Doctor’s full of life and as exuberant as Tom Baker on holiday in Paris. He used to explore caves on Gallifrey as a boy, getting lost for days. He loves ice cream, is trying to wean himself off getting junk from gift shops and at first is oddly lacking in curiosity over mysterious movements in cave. He is happy to send Christine off into unknown danger for a laugh (presumably hoping she gets killed, coz I know I am), and is clearly irritated by her lack of respect for his abilities. He’s got a pass for the Leisure Hive, is a member of a secret club called the Stonecutter’s Lodge, and is still carrying his jelly babies, sonic screwdriver and a bright twenty-sided torch that be increased or decreased in size. Clearly he went through an archaeological phase on his 200 year stint of misery and self-loathing, as he’s visited lots of cave systems for precisely that reason. He recently tackled a Raston Warrior Robot (The Five Doctors). He is disgusted at Christine for wanting to murder an innocent creature. He’s still wicked at Venusian Karate – though he hates using gun – and enjoys being considered ‘more suitable’ than human beings. He’s a bit slow on the uptake, not twigging just how insane Cross is until it’s too late.
Christine shows her usual enthusiasm by hating caves, tour guides, queues and being educated. She finds the Doctor embarrassing (ironic, as Miss “What are postcards?” stands out of the crowd more than the mad magician), is paranoid, superstitious and determined not to enjoy herself. For someone with such low self esteem, she is incredibly angry and stubborn when someone ignores her. She hasn’t seen the sonic screwdriver before and assumes it to be magic, stupid cow. She calls the Doctor ‘the worst of all living men’, the ungrateful bitch, but she later claims to have total faith in him to succeed against the monster. Make your mind up, woman. She claims to have no pity beyond that for those who hear the Doctor’s singing. She’s heard (of) banshees and is thoroughly taken back to be given ‘explanation’ duties. She is introduced to soft drinks (in particular Coca Cola, the symbol of the Free West) in this story.
Observations:
Who is that doing the voiceover of the add? It sounds like Sam West! No, it’s Michael Wade – AKA Lockwood from those Auton movies! What is a man of his calibre doing in crap like this?! If it’s blackmail, why is he doing so little? Did he destroy the evidence! Oh, this is so exciting! Oh. Wait. Yeah. Back to the story. Sigh...
Argh! Ludicrously inappropriate music from The Sea Devils, The Five Doctors and Chip Jamison in incredibly obvious exposition, I AM IN HELL! And so is the bloke who gave that incredibly convincing scream...
“Stalag-tights”? What are they? Pants from German prisons? Is it perhaps the fact none of the cast can pronounce stalactites? ‘Stalagtites,’ I ask you...
The Doctor’s full of life, he can go on forever... yep. He’s dead meat next story. Guaranteed.
“Why won’t you listen?!” Because you can’t act, you shouty moron! SHUT UP!! WHY DO THEY KEEP GIVING THIS IDIOT ACTING JOBS?!
My god, is every woman working at Southbank Caves being played by Sheri Devine? Why isn’t she credited for any of them? How many characters are called Chris? And why are they giving Christine so much dialogue? Do they not hear that demonic lisping?!? And won’t she realize all that talking to herself is just using up oxygen?
The Doctor’s “accidentally” locked Christine in a stone tunnel... it’s a start, Doc. Trust me, the next incarnation will wish you just put a bullet through her head. The audience already do.
“When we get out, I’m going to get the police!” The police are already investigating, you retard! SHUT UP! God, this character is even more moronic than Christine! He’s actually ASKING for things to go wrong, demanding it if anything! Just listen to him! And then he suddenly goes all quiet at the sight of imminent blood-drenched terror, not because he’s scared but because he’s thoughtful?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?!! Oh, how I miss Peter Hinchman...
Christine called Tim ‘Lord’. Does that make him a Tim Lord?
Just who decided to put the Gundan tune (for those who haven’t heard it, it’s ‘creepy suit of armor slowly comes to life and starts to move in a threatening manner’ music)? It’s a slow build of suspense played over two figures running for their lives being chased by a zombie puma! Not exactly a moment of subtle terror, is it? I despair... I really do!
Cavs? Kives? It’s sad the leading man cannot pronounce ‘cave’ the same way twice. Yet again the word “Shameelion” is used... dear god.
Massive props for the ‘ticket’ scene, with music and acting turning an unfunny ‘Doctor empties his pockets’ scene into something so tense and serious Douglas Camfield would have noticed it.
“And I’d be in total control.” I dunno about you, but I think Cross is getting horny...
Hah! The Doctor takes only three seconds to totally extract the mickey of Tim and his psychotic ‘acting’. And well done for him berating Tim for being so moronic. The scene about the whistle plan is blessed relief. If Tom was being smacked down in every scene, it’d be enjoyable, oh god, he’s talking to himself and being miserable! SHUT UP YOU STUPID MORON! SHUT UP!!!
Why do all these alien spaceships sound like a Zygon ship with a Skarasan sitting in the corner?
“If you must know, I’m in it for purely self-motivated reasons! Gold! Lots and lots of it!” Wow. Suddenly Sutekh the Destroyer is just forgotten against THIS brilliance!
I wonder if these gold-generating aliens ever tackle the Cybermen? That’d be interesting. And face it, this audio series seriously needs something interesting to happen.
Tragedy strikes, as ever, when suddenly it becomes impossible for new dialogue to be written for the Doctor and he starts spewing up quotes like “overblown adding machine”, “unlimited rice pudding”, “maybe it just liked my face?”, “intensely interesting”. It’s no surprise most of those are from Tom Baker’s Doctor?
All in all, who thinks the monster would be a better companion than Christine? I mean, if Ramsay the Vortisaur worked for Paul McGann...
Preposterous Plot Points:
How do domestic cats get trapped in a cave system?
The Doctor has spent two centuries on his own and he never got round to visiting the caves? That’s either very dumb or very believable and I’m honestly not sure which.
Why are there still being tours conducted in the caves simultaneous to a police search for a missing person?
The idea of Tim and Christine hiding from the monster by staying quiet doesn’t work as a) they shout their dialogue at each other and b) the creature is making so much noise it couldn’t hear them anyway.
Cross’ moronic staff. He would have killed them for his own kinky fun by now and got someone competent to work there.
So, we have a sentient space craft capable of growing parts of itself into living creatures it can transfer its mind into, with the ability to mimic a cave network and transform things into solid gold. A ship that has lasted for millions of years. Yet its creators never bothered to give it a distress beacon. Or come looking for it. And this incredibly advanced spacecraft... crashed. Doesn’t quite add up, does it?
Notable Dialogue:
The Doctor on Cross’ demise -
DOCTOR: Why do I keep feeling sorry for these people?
Drinking game: drink one small sip whenever Tim mentions the police. Be warned, more than one episode will lead to your liver being pickled.
DOCTOR: My nose is beginning to itch. Now, which is it? Hairs down the back of my neck means I’m being followed, knee acting up is for rain... what does an itchy nose mean? [sneezes] Oh. No, that’s not it. It means something funny is going on here.
Anyone else getting Patrick Troughton flashbacks?
CHRISTINE: Verily, it is mighty indeed!
DOCTOR: Yes, it IS big, isn’t it?
TIM: That definitely ISN’T a dog! This a day I’M definitely going to remember.
Another bit of my soul died...
DOCTOR: All these tunnels look the same.
TIM: All these stupid tunnels look alike!
DOCTOR: Are you both all right?
CHRISTINE: Verily!
TIM: About as all right as one could be considering...
DOCTOR: That’s the spirit! Now, I’ve got an idea to stop this creature! You have to be quick so it doesn’t get too far away. Chris, you remember when you whistled and the creature calmed down?
CHRISTINE: I...
DOCTOR: And then when you stopped it turned wild again? I think if you can whistle, as high as you can for as long as you can, we might just be able to... soothe the savage beast.
TIM: That’s talking an awful chance! How can you be sure something like that will work?
DOCTOR: I have it on the highest authority! ... I once saw Daffy Duck do it to the Tasmanian Devil.
TIM: (TO CHRISTINE) He’s nuts!
CHRISTINE: My Lord had dealt with many a demon.
TIM: YOU’RE BOTH NUTS!
DOCTOR: Positively crackers!
Cliffhangers:
1. Christine and Tim are fleeing through the tunnels, the former becoming psycho with terror and the latter getting duller by the second as they find themselves cornered by the monster. Suddenly the Gundan tune from Warriors’ Gate crashes inelegantly into the McCoy end credits.
2. Mrs Forrest finally twigs her insane employer may not have her best interests at heart as he takes her to look at his prehistoric spaceship in the heart of the caves. When she tries to leave, Cross uses a Blake’s 7 sound effect and announces she will NEVER leave! Oh, God, NO! A bit part character is in danger! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!
3. The Doctor sees the awful fate of Tim who was not deemed suitable by the alien craft. But the same thing will now happen to the Time Lord as Cross watches on, booming: ‘Goodbye, Doctor!’ Just like The Trial of a Time Lord cliffhanger thirteen... among so, so many others.
4. Heading back to the TARDIS, Christine offers the Doctor a can of Coca Cola. He takes it deadpan and reminds himself to get Christine a toothbrush once they leave. Doesn’t this count as product placement in Doctor Who? How dare they?!?
Miscellaneous:
This story came bottom of the season survey. The Chronic Rift won. Madness. Utter madness.
What Could Have Been Done To Improve It:
- Recast Tim. Or change the character to some passing pot holer or something. In fact, do both.
- Less stupid names for the baddies. “Cross”, “French”, “Forrest” and “Ship”, I ask you.
- A less abrupt ending.
The Party Line:
Not a bad little story. There is just enough to sustain it over four episodes, though it wouldn’t have hurt if it had been cut down to three. The ship is almost a sympathetic character in its insanity, wanting only to be free, though Tim comes across as somewhat annoying in his almost constant state of forced panic. The scenes between the Doctor and Christine during the tour show the relationship between them very well.
The Awful Truth:
Certainly the party line over Tim is the truth, albeit understated, and the relationship between the two leads is summed up as well – proving how pointless the character of Christine can be. As for the story itself, it’s undemanding fair with a painfully abrupt end. Nevertheless, worth a listen, and, despite the leading man’s fear, his performance is as good as ever in this, giving no hint that the next story would be his very last.
Illustrations:
The cover for The Hidden Menace. Ironic the only non-CGI is the one that looks silly...
Christine in mortal peril. I wonder what's on TV right now?
The Doctor is disturbed at some truly poor photoshopping. Look at the eyelines there, it's PAINFUL! The bald guy is supposed to be Jym DeNatale, BTW.
Christine shows just how much this dark claustrophic thriller terrifies her.
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