The Final BC Adventure EVER!

The Eurovision Song Contest
---------------------------
1. Doctor Darko

The TARDIS arrives and the Eleventh Doctor (played by Lee Williams who has nothing to do with the show, but he gives me the horn) and Spartha Jones (played by a South African who can't act) emerge.

Doctor: Oh, Spartha, here we are! The Eurovision Song Contest of 2007! Splendid, don't you think!

Spartha: You typical male, pretending to enjoy a song contest just because you are secretly attracted to men in lycra singing badly. Grow up, numbnuts.

Doctor: But, Spartha, I have brought you here rather than the splendid ice caves of Shabbadabbadabbadon for a purpose!

Spartha: You're trying to control my life without my express consent. Kindly refrain from it in future.

Doctor: Spartha, please, do not make such hasty judgements until I finish my exposition. As you will not know, coming from 2005...

Spartha: I am from 2009. You are confusing me, yet again, with that hormonal broody slut you used to travel with called Rose Tyler.

Doctor: So I am! I do apologize Spartha, it appears my recent regeneration has not fully acclimatized to time travel. I apologize unreservedly.

Spartha: I should hope so too. Your suicidal anguish over the death of your long time on screen companion Ben Chatham was unseemly to say the least, and you barely managed to defeat the Cragora/Zelan Alliance, let alone regenerate into your new body.

Doctor: I got that bit right. I have finally achieved perfection, with a smoothe, delicate form sadly lacking from all my other regenerations.

Spartha: You are obviously still reacting to Chatham's suicide and subconsciously choosing a form to remind you of him. Grow up.

Doctor: You're correct, as ever. However, as you will remember, the Serbs won the Eurovision Song Contest of 2007 even though Sweden had some merit.

Spartha: It was one of the most shameful miscarriages of justice outside of Adam Rickitt being strung up from a lamp postin 2007 after his fan base became too irritating to tolerate.

Doctor: Indeed. But I believe that the Sweeds were literally robbed - they SHOULD have won, and we are now in a Tangent Universe, a parallel time line doomed to collapse in on itself. You and I, Spartha, take the role of Manipulated Living and Manipulated Dead to resolve the corruption in the space/time fabric of the Primary Universe.

Spartha: Please, Doctor, you're trying to establish your intellectual dominance by quoting stuff from bad science fiction. Don't be so childish.

At that moment, there is a scream. Unhurriedly, the Doctor and Spartha step over to find a bloody corpse...

Doctor: Splendid! The butchered body of a teenage girl who was repeatedly beaten, raped and macheted to death.

Spartha: My god... is she...

Doctor: I'm afraid so.

Spartha: ...from a council estate?

Doctor: Yes. You can smell the microwave dinners and the chewing gum. Clearly this lower class chav has been purged.

Spartha: Obviously we are dealing with someone far more professional than you, Doctor. They've achieved more with this single culling than you have in your entire previous regeneration.

Doctor: I agree. Splendid.

Suddenly a figure steps from behind the curtain. The Doctor and Spartha GASP WITH HORROR before realizing it is in fact Jake Simmonds in a walrus costume...

The Eurovision Song Context
---------------------------
2. The Last Temptation of Chavs

Jake: Who are you?

Spartha: I'm Spartha Jones, noted academic and leader of the Alcoholic Man-Hating Snob Society of Cambridge University.

Jake: Oh, so you are. Hello, Spartha. I remember you now as the uber-bitch that ruined my quiet retreat at the monastery.

Doctor: Ah, but the food was terrible...

Jake turns and rips the Doctor's clothes off, then his own and does some Greco-Roman Wrestling for a long time. Spartha watches on.

Jake: WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!?

Doctor: I'm the Doctor!

Jake: You don't LOOK like the Doctor!

Doctor: I thought you worked for Torchwood, the totally non-secret service dedicated to scavenging alien tech left behind by my exploits!

Jake: I am!

Doctor: And you haven't noticed I can change my face?

Jake: OK, I admit it. Torchwood were too rule-bound and inhibited for me to enjoy myself, so I took up with Operation Delta, single handedly tripling their number and getting three times as many hangovers and venereal diseases that Torchwood could ever have offered. Dear God, Doctor I want you.

Doctor: I want you too, Jake. Without Ben Chatham and his smoothe chest, life has no meaning.

They make out. There is another scream. A body falls through the ceiling and lands next to Spartha.

Spartha: My god! Another lower class heavy metal fan brutally slaughtered like a space pig! How utterly charming! Why can't you be as mature and homicidal, Doctor?

The Doctor and Jake stand up totally naked.

Doctor: You are, as ever, a strong willed woman who takes no prisoners, Martha. We must find out exactly who is performing God's work and thank them.

Jake: We must also ensure that the Serbs do not beat Sweden in the Eurovision Song Contest!

Spartha: How do you know all about this?

Jake: I dunno.

Spartha: Were you crudely eavesdropping on our private conversation?

Jake: Hmm? Yeah, right. That's it. Sure. Eavesdropping. The Serbs must be stopped at any cost.

Doctor: It must.

Spartha: But how?

The Doctor crosses to the TARDIS and opens the phone panel.

Doctor: I'll just ring UNIT, Torchwood, OD, the people from Primeval, Mr. Saxon, Sir Humphrey and the Initiative. They can take care of this problem in a sensible, mature and orderly fashion.

Spartha: Finally doing something responsible at last, Doctor. I am satisfied you are maturing at last.

Jake: Now that's taken care of, shall we all enjoy some fine absinthe and go for an early night and possibly a threesome.

Spartha: Don't be so arrogant and masculine. Our relationship is purely platonic and will remain so.

Jake: I suppose so, Spartha, but ever since Ben brutally and callously blew his skull apart with a handgun, life seems somehow... pointless. Somehow... empty. Somehow... meaningless. Somehow...

Doctor: Causing you to pause between words a lot?

Jake: Somehow... yes.

Spartha: Oh, grow up the pair of you! Ben Chatham was a nauseating and emotionally immature male incapable of dealing with his personal or private life. Anyone who actually slept with the Tyler Whore deserves no mercy or peace. And then he shacked up with that crude, infantile Katie Ryan, I dare say he got Herpes as well from the ill-educated slapper.

There is a gunshot. They look around.

Jake: What was that?

Doctor: Dunno. Any ideas, Spartha?

Spartha looks at them. There is a hole in her forehead which is bleeding. She frowns.

Spartha: Vulgar.

She drops dead to the floor. Standing behind her is Katie Ryan, immensely pregnant and holding a smoking double-barreled shotgun.

Jake: My god! Katie Ryan!

Doctor: You've killed Spartha!

Katie: Yes! I have! I admit it! I have destroyed her... AND NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU!!

She aims the gun at them and cocks the gun. The Doctor looks concerned.

The Eurovision Dong Context
---------------------------
3. End Of Daze

The Doctor and Jake are held at gunpoint by the insane Katie Ryan who has blown Spartha Jones' brains out.

Doctor: Katie! It's me! The Doctor! I just changed my entire body to become a male model in memory of the most amazing human being ever, Ben Chatham!

Katie: OH, MY BEAUTIFUL BEN! If only he didn't have such a stupid idea he was a poofter and hadn't put a loaded luger in his mouth rather than marry me...

Jake: Katie, please. You don't need to kill us. We're not chavs!

Katie: Who cares about chavs? What is life worth without that smoothe-chested amateur archaeologist with a non-specific degree?

Doctor: It must be worth SOMETHING, Katie! Ben wouldn't want us to give up on life just because he killed himself!

Long pause.

Jake: Yes he would.

Katie: Yeah, he really would.

Doctor: Well, I suppose so. But you've got so much to live for, Katie. You carry the spawn of Chatham - a unique privelige in this universe, and you're doing what Ben always did and murdering chavs and blaming government conspiracies!

Katie: Oh, but Doctor, I'm not!

Doctor: Wait, you believe I'm the Doctor?

Katie: Yeah.

Doctor: What? Seriously?

Katie: Course I do.

Doctor: I don't even have to let you check my pulse or anything?

Katie: Huh?

Doctor: Damnit, you are just the sort of companion I could have used a few bodies ago.

Jake: Wait a minute. Katie, if you're not killing all the chavs... then who is?

Katie: I don't know! All I know is that there is no point in anyone living if Ben is dead.

Doctor: Did you just listen to ANYTHING I said?

Katie: Yeah. I believe I deserve to live. I just don't believe YOU TWO deserve to live - especially you, Jake, you stole my love away from me with your stupid genitals! DAMN THEM! NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

Doctor: But you still believe that I'm really the Doctor?

Katie: Yep.

Doctor: Oh well, one out of two isn't bad. Go ahead, I'll just regenerate into an even younger, smoother, sort of jailbait form.

Jake: What about me?

Doctor: Wow! Can you regenerate too?

Jake: No.

Doctor: Oh. Bummer.

Katie Ryan shoots Jake in the smooth chest which explodes like a gore-filled pinyata. Jake staggers forward, falls to his knees, then collapses.

Jake: (dying breath) Doctor... promise me... stop the Serbs...

Doctor: Yeah, if the next me remembers it, I'll try. OK?

Jake: (rattles) Ben?

Jake slumps dead.

Katie: Anyway, moving on...

Katie aims the gun at the Doctor's head. The Doctor looks concerned.

The Neuro Vision Donkey Context
-------------------------------
3. "Tyler, Ryan and Catflap"

As Katie pulls the trigger, there is a blinding flash of light and Jake sits bolt upright, alive and well. The Doctor claps his hands.

Doctor: Splendid! Since we're in a Tangent Universe, and Jake's from a different reality altogether, nothing from this dimension can POSSIBLY harm him!

Jake: Cor, that was lucky.

Then there is another gunshot. Jake topples dead onto the ground. Standing over him are Rose Tyler, Mickey Smith and Jackie and Pete Tyler, all holding machine guns - except Rose, who is breastfeeding twin babies. Jackie holds a toddler.

Doctor: Oops.

Rose: Where's the Doctor? Where is that lying son of a bitch who said the universes could never be opened up again!

Doctor: Er... Well, actually, that was a monster called Gravas, and he weakened the void walls again...

Mickey: Ere, you strangely dressed ponce next to the police box. You the new Doctor then?

Doctor: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nope? I'm Harold Saxon. You will obey me. Nice to meet you.

He moves to shake Rose's hands, but hers are full so he tries the others. They all aim their guns at him. As does Katie. Shrugging, he takes the dead Jake's hand and shakes that instead.

Katie: Who are you chavs?

Mickey: We're the richest people in the universe, bitch, and don't you forget it. We are also packing heat, so get respectful, preggo.

Katie: No! We can't let the chavs triumph! You must all die!

Katie machine guns the Tylers, who machine gun her back. They both fall over. There is a flash of white and they sit up, unharmed.

All: What the hell was that?

At that moment, David Tennant in a sombrero and a question mark poncho jumps into view.

Observer: BARCELONA! Hello all! Lucky the interdimensional friction stops you blowing holes in each other.

Doctor: Who are you?

Observer: Oh, just a passing Time Lord. I teamed up in the Tylers in that canonical work, "Barren Earth".

Doctor: I don't remember that story?

Observer: Don't you?

Doctor: No.

Observer: Aw. You sure? It was in the blog before this one.

Doctor: You waxing philosophical?

Observer: You bet.

Mickey: Anyway, it turns out Pete's world was as fertile as an Argolin retirement home.

Rose: We used an alien wonderdrug to save the human race, but we did have to kill an irritating bastard called Chatham to do it.

Observer: Mmm. Happy days, huh?

Pete: Yeah, good times. Anyway, there's this whole new reality to sell Vitex to, and I'd be a fool not to take advantage of it.

Jackie: Well sod that, you're looking after Angel tonight.

Pete: AW! Jacks! I wanna economically take over this mudball you call home.

Jackie: Yeah, well, when YOU put up with the brat AND cracked nipples, I'll let you.

Rose: ENOUGH OF THE DAMNED CRACKED NIPPLES!

Doctor: I dunno about you, but this is WAY off topic. If you'll excuse me, I'll use the sonic screwdriver to restore everything to Time Chatham Classic.

Mickey: Don't you fu---

The Doctor aims his sonic screwdriver at the newcomers. The Observer, Pete and the babies vanish. Jackie falls over and turns into a skeleton, Mickey puts on a cloak and Rose starts drooling.

Doctor: Now, isn't that a MUCH more interesting, mature and fascinating version of events?

Katie: Hello no, this is shit.

Doctor: Splendid. Where we we?

Katie aims the gun at his head.

Doctor: Not a repititious cliffhanger!

Mickey is chanting in Latin, Rose is drooling, Jackie is decomposing, Katie is psychotic and the Doctor is concerned.

The Premier Division King Kong Sex
----------------------------------
4. Written to the Core

As Katie moves to pull the trigger, a familiar whirring noise fills the air. They whirl around to see a War Machine gliding down the corridor towards them.

Doctor: It's WOTAN II!

Katie: My nemesis, the stupidest and most incompetent machine in history from the critically-panned and mispelled "Stangeness"!

WOTAN: The very same!

Mickey: Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Rose: Duh. Save us Ben. Ee-aw.

WOTAN: I am Vow-tarn II, created by the son of Polly Wright and Robert Brett during a period of low self esteem! I am the most powerful computer in the world... to have an incredibly low IQ and my harddrive is full of Rickitt porn! Now that Ben Chatham is dead, nothing and no one can stop my inevitable conquest of the human race who will be exterminated, brought back to life, genetically reingineered, shot, shot again, buried, dug up, fed to some roosters, turned into zombies using a handy Necromicon I got off eBay and then I will activate the neutron bomb. Any of you meat bags capable of pointing out a floor in my plan? I think not!

The War Machine hits a coin left on the floor and it sumersaults and smashes into the TARDIS.

WOTAN: Help! Someone! Oh, the rapture! Oh, God, you mad bastard, help me!

The War Machine inexplicably catches fire. It melts. WOTAN starts screaming.

WOTAN: At least let me blow those mothers away with a shotgun! Oh, the pain! Make it stop! Make it stop! Ah!

The War Machine explodes.

Doctor: Splendid! But why would WOTAN be the one wiping out all the chavs in the Eurovision song contest? Any ideas, Ricky?

Mickey: Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Rose: I wan Benji. Word.

Katie: I'll kill you all!

With a flash of light, a figure in a pointy hat and beard appears.

Merlin: I am Merlin the Wise, and my revenge is complete!

Katie: The enigmatic warlock who nearly tore apart Glastonbury from the critically-panned "Dark Yuletide"!

Merlin: The very same! I have manipulated all events to destroy Ben Chatham, the Awakening One whose enlightenment could possibly stop the Millennium of Wisdom...

Doctor: Billis? Billis is that you?

Merlin: Ah, shit. Ya rumbled me.

"Merlin" takes off his fake outfit to reveal he is, in fact, Bilis Manger.

Doctor: What the hell are you doing dressed like that?

Manger: Can't a guy have a hobby?

Doctor: Your hobby is telling people you're really Merlin?

Manger: Well, there's nothing else to do now Abbadon went down like Monica Lewinski on Fabio...

Katie shoots him in the chest.

Manger: DAMN IT! DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING! Tell the autopsy surgeons to leave my balls of steel where they are! ARGH!

He falls dead.

Doctor: Splendid! Clearly WOTAN and Billis came here for the same reason as us... to change the course of the Eurovision Song Contest, but are they the only ones here? Who's really behind this all?

Voice: Oh, my dear Doctor, you HAVE been niave!

They whirl around to see an old man in a wheelchair gliding out of the shadows, pouring shot glasses on a little bar built into the chair. He waves.

Doctor: Do I know you?

Old man: Yes, for I am Sir Alistair Miles, creator of the super robot criminal, genius of the 2006 crime raid, and I provide a very nice gin martini.

Doctor: I've never seen you before in my life.

Katie: Not me.

Rose: Duh... na ma.

Mickey: Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sir Alister: You foolish little mortals. It was I who created my little companion here...

A large silver robot strides out of the shadows. It has stickey-tape around its joins and a wooden leg. Springs jut out of gaps in the armor.

Sir Alister: The perfect crime machine in the critically-panned and nonsensical "Crimebuster"!

Rose: What a crap robot. Bah.

Sir Alister: You see before you the ultimate pinnacle of cybernetic design, my dear. Rum and coke?

He hands them all drinks. Everyone (even Mickey) stares at Sir Alister suspiciously.

Katie: You are screwed in the head, you know that?

Sir Alistair: Genius is often mistaken for insanity.

Doctor: Not always.

Sir Alister: My robot is invincible - fire, water, electricity, bullets, radiation, intense magnetic field... NONE of it can possibly effect my robot. I eliminated all but ONE basic weakness.

Doctor: Go on.

Sir Alister: It was Ben Chatham that discover the one FATAL weakeness - having a text book thrown at the back of its head with little to no velocity caused a total systems breakdown.

Katie: So, if your robot broke down, weren't you arrested?

Sir Alister: Of course. Luckily, however, Operation Delta was put in charge of me, and within hours a corrupt legal system let me off scott free and able to cause havoc, therefore keeping the economy going as I justify the secret service all on my own.

He finishes his drink.

Sir Alistair: Now, my tinfoil creation, destroy them!

Doctor: Are you the one trying to change history?

Sir Alistair: Eh?

The robot slips on the melted war machine and falls backwards onto Sir Alistair, knocking him backwards down a flight of stairs. The old man screams as he and his creation fall out of sight.

Sir Alistair: Oh no! Darkness comes and all fades to black! There better be topless roller skating waitresses covered in mud and tattoos serving the food in the afterlife when I get there or there’s going to be trouble!

There is a very loud explosion.

Mickey: Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Doctor: Splendid! But we are still only scratching the outermost layer of this onion of villainy!

Katie: No time for that, Doctor!

She aims the gun at his head.

Doctor: Oh, piss off, Katie!

He bitch slaps her and takes the gun off her.

Doctor: I've had enough of that cliffhanger! Besides, this isn't even loaded!

The gun goes off and Mickey falls dead.

Mickey: Oooooooohmmmmmutherfuc...

He goes limp. Rose drools some more.

Doctor: Uhoh.

The Premature Indian Gong List
------------------------------
5. I Never Promised You Rose, Naked, In The Garden With Whipped Cream And Some Electrodes!

The Doctor, brain dead Rose Tyler and heavy Katie Ryan look at Mickey's corpse. With a roar, a burst of flame in humanoid form steps out of the shadows in front of them.

Rose: Woz dart?

Doctor: Some kind of living fire creature!

Katie: Not the same ferocious flame functionry from the flop and failure, critically-panned "Firestarter"!

Flame Creature: THE VERY SAME!

It steps in Rose's drool and disappears in a puff of smoke.

Doctor: Whoa. Trippy.

Katie: Well, the place is starting to stink of dead bodies and blood is really nauseus.

Doctor: Be fair, you killed most of them.

Katie: We still haven't found anyone behind the conspiracy to change the result of the Eurovision Song Contest!

Rose: Are we STILL on about that?

Doctor: She's right, this is so boring. Look, even YOU have forgotten your psychotic emnity.

Katie: (shrugs) Must be hormones.

She punches the Doctor unconscious. Suddenly hooded figures appear from all around Rose and Katie.

Rose: Huh? Satanists?

Katie: Not the evil vampire zombie lords from the even MORE critically-panned "Witchbone!"

Satanist: No, not them. They were a dream brought on by absinthe when Ben Chatham got wasted on Halloween.

Satanist 2: How do we even KNOW this?

Satanist: Shut up, Paul.

Katie: Not Paul Farraday, head of the secret organization that was a total word-for-word rip off of Torchwood until the author decided to change the story completely so Jared Hansen's complaints about the critically-panned storyline of "Operation: Delta" would be rendered null and void?

The satanists take off their hoods.

Paul: The VERY SAME!

Corrine: Katie, we have come for you.

Katie: Why me?

Paul: You carry the Messiah Child, born from the seed of Chatham. It is your child that will herald the New Age of Enlightenment, Absinthe And Really Wild Bowie Remixes.

Rose: Aren't you supposed to like save der world frem aliens n shit?

Corrine: It gets kinda old when UNIT, Torchwood and the FHD get all the good stuff.

Paul: Ben Chatham was the only interesting thing that ever happened to us.

Corrine: Without Ben, our lives have no meaning.

Paul: We want your child and its genetically smoothe chest to help overthrow the corrupt government and what's more, all the alien invasions. The Messiah Child will arm itself against the future!

Rose: Huh. I could carried the Messiah Child if I wanted. Ee-or.

Paul: We must begin the ritual to summon the Messiah Child!

Katie: What does that involve?

Paul punches her in the face, Corrine grabs her head, opens her mouth and shoves a funnel in it. Corrine pours three bottles of absinthe down the funnel and then jabs a length of bamboo down it.

Rose: That don seem senisble...

Corrine: I know, but we never said we were an ORGANIZED religion...

Paul: More a DISORGANIZED religion... well, cargo cult really. Now...

He kicks Katie repeatedly in the stomach.

Paul: Move you stupid mongrel, get out of there, go on, get out of there!

Corrine: Don't worry, Katie, Paul's got a degree in midwifery!

Paul: Yeah, I found it on that body in the Fawklands.

A massive thud. Thud. Thud. A massive CGI monster turns the corner. The Doctor sits up.

Doctor: Oh no!

Rose: Wha izzit?

Doctor: Gravas! The extradimensional carnivorous war criminal from the critically-taken-out-the-back-and-shot-dead-through-the-skull "Death In The Cloisters!"

Gravas: THE VERRRRRY SAAAAMMMMEEE!

Paul flicks the bamboo over his shoulder and it accidentally slices Gravas' head off. Its body stagger around blindly.

Gravas' Severed Head: OH GOD, THE AGONY IS EXCRUCIATING!

Doctor: Of course, the one thing OTHER than jelly babies that could stop the Gravas! Being brutally decapitated by a blunt length of bamboo!

The monster falls on top of the TARDIS and explodes in gore.

Corrine: MMmm. Tasty.

Paul: Come on, Corrine. We have a Messiah Child to deliver, indoctrinate and then sacrifice to the Liquid Time God of Ashgotoroth.

Corrine: What about the Dark Lord of Lightning Demnos?

Paul: First one, then the other.

They hurry off, dragging Katie with them.

Katie: Ten gween bottuls hungiging on da wall... ten gween battles...

Rose: Bye bye.

Doctor: And we STILL don't know who's trying to change the Eurovision Song Contest.

Rose: Can I get naked with some whipped cream and electrodues in the garden.

Doctor: Now, Rose, I never promised you, naked, in the garden with whipped cream and some electrodes!

Rose: Aw.

Doctor: So, you'll just have to get naked with the cream and electrodes INDOORS!

Rose: Yay!

She rips off her clothes and starts pouring copious amounts of spray on cream to her naked skin while the Doctor tears down some electrodes from a junction box.

Voice: DOCTOR!!

He and Rose turn to see HARRIET JONES standing right behind them!!!

Doctor: Splendid.

He jabs Rose's naked ass with the electrode. She giggles.

Doctor: Oh yeah, you like that, don't ya girl!

He zaps her again. Harriet Jones changes into a CGI monster. The Doctor accidentally jabs it with the electrode.

Krakor: Damnit! I didn't even get the "very same" gag!

Krakor explodes. Rose looks around.

Rose: What was that?

Doctor: Oh nothing. Bend over.

Rose: Kay!

The Litrature Connecting Tessa
------------------------------
6. The Enemy Within

The Doctor is ramming electric wires into places on Rose even customs men would not dare to probe. Suddenly she squeals.

Doctor: Are you all right?

Rose: Yeah... what the hell just happened? I had this really wierd kind of hallucination that I dumped Mickey for some pathetic wanker with blonde hair who demanded I let my mum die for being a chav...

Doctor: I hate to tell you this, Rose, but...

Rose: It was true?!?

Doctor: Sorry.

Rose: And what about you taking off all my clothes, covering me in low-fat whipped cream and using high voltage to tenderize me?

Doctor: Hmm? Oh THAT'S true.

Rose: Fantastic! Right, where's Ben Chatham then? I want to snap the bastard's neck?

Doctor: Well, he killed himself, but apparently his illegitimate off spring is due to be born any episode.

Rose: Well, we better kill it then.

Doctor: But... THAT WOULD MEAN LEAVING THE CORRIDOR!!!

Rose:... and?

Doctor: Well, look around you. This is a pretty active spot. Imagine how bad the rest of the complex could be?

Rose: What are you, a wuss?

Doctor: (scratches head) Yeah, actually. It's as if something has been draining my mojo ever since we met Ben. Turned me into a real nancy sissy bint.

Rose: Come on then.

A huge shaggy, horned beast looms out of the shadows.

Monster: I AM HERNE THE HUNTER, FALSIFIED PAGAN GOD IN THE CRITICALLY-PANNED "OPERATION: DELTA" AND... UM... YEAH, I WILL BOOBIE YOU ALL TO BREAST. DEATH. WHOA. WHAT A BODY. HEY, MISS PIPER CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

Doctor: Weren't you just a trick of the light and some mind-altering drugs.

Monster: THE VERY SAME! THE REAL HERNE IS NOT A BIT LIKE ME, AS WAS HASTILY WRITTEN INTO THE PLOT WHEN READERS STARTED COMPLAINING. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

A beat.

Monster: OH. DAMN.

Herne vanishes. The Doctor and Rose head around the corner to find a balding man standing in front of an army of Cybermen.

Van Statten: So, Doctor, we meet again!

Doctor: No we didn't.

Van Statten: We didn't?

Doctor: Yeah, you don't exist. The real Van Statten is a homeless bum in 2012. You're just sloppy continuity.

Van Statten: I... I am?

Rose: Psyche!

She snaps his neck and addresses the Cybermen.

Rose: You still want to be part of this?

Cyberleader: FUCK NO!

Cyberlieutenant: MOST NON-EXECCELENT!

Cyberleader: TRULY HEINOUS.

Cybermen: WYLD STALLIONS RULE!!

They air guitar and leave.

Doctor: Is it me or is this getting easier?

Rose: It must be the sick mind behind all this getting really bored. You wait, the next baddy will turn out to be the Master.

A black clad moustached villain steps around the corner.

Master: Might not be.

Doctor: You are DEFINITELY dead!

Master: Oh, like that SO makes a difference! So were half the other alien menaces in this mediocre anniversary special! Why pick on me?

Rose: Cause YOU sucked.

Doctor: She's right. You were in, what, two scenes? And got dissolved off-screen after we stopped some jew from killing Hitler.

Master: Yeah, but that was a sucky exit. I mean, I wanted to do Septemember 11th, but that was BAD TASTE!

Rose: Bad taste! The sick writer turned me into a drooling Chatham fuckbuddy!

Doctor: Yeah. And now you're naked, creamy and into bondage.

Rose: Least I've got my brain back.

Master: ooh, fiesty!

Doctor: Yeah, that isn't funny any more, Master. In fact, it wasn't even funny in the first place.

Master: I love you, you know that.

Doctor: Master, you're not gay.

Master: Oh yeah! I totally forgot! There are some really screwed up things happening in the plot today.

Rose: (baffled) What plot?

Master: I guess I better die horribly for comedic purposes.

Doctor: It'd help.

Master: Oh well. See you in the House of Commons!

The Master pulls out a grenade, pulls the key and balances it on his forehead. The explosion decapitates him and he falls over, revealing a badly wounded David Bowie.

Bowie: Ah, why is this happening to ME of all people? Why? Who is running the universe, a bag of sugar? How can you let me die? You bastard, I bet you rub vinegar into the eyes of kittens if you can let this happen to little old me!

Doctor: (yawns) Oh my. It's Andrews, the Margaret Blaine subsitute for the critically-regurgitated rip off of Boomtown, "Starman".

Bowie: I wasn't that bad, was I?

Rose: You were worse.

Bowie: Oh well.

He falls over dead.

Doctor: I don't wish to bang on about this BUT WE HAVEN'T LEFT THIS DAMN CORRIDOR YET!

Rose: That should be the Ben Chatham era "monsters" gone then, surely?

There is a hideous roar as some ill defined monsters attack from all sides.

Doctor: Alas! The Cragora from the critically-ignored "Hospital of the Damned/Fire & Judgement!"

Rose: I don't remember them!

Doctor: You were too busy caught up ripping off Buffy Season Five with you as Dawn and Jackie as Joyce.

Rose: Oh yeah. The CRAGORA!

Cragora: THE... VERY... SAME...

The Illiterate Morons and Twits
-------------------------------
6. This Is An Unheard-Of Distortion Of The Author's Meaning But He'll Get His Royalities, So Who's Moaning?

The Doctor and Rose are surrounded by Cragora.

Cragora: YOU CANNOT... STOP US... NOW... DOCTOR... WE... ARE THE... ONLY... OTHER... SSS... SUR... VI... VORS... OF THE... ... ... TIME WAR... WE WILL...

Rose: Oh, for the love of God, HURRY UP!

Cragora: YOU... ARE... DEAD... MEAT... YOU... PERO...X... ID...E BLOND...E... WH...

Rose: I've had enough of this.

Rose picks up the machine gun. Suddenly there is a loud hissing as white smoke flood around the Cragora and they let out loud, shrill screams and collapse convulsing. Rose opens fire with the machine gun. The smoke clears to show Captain Jack, Gwen, Ianto, Tosh, Owen and Suzie lying dead, riddled with bullet holes.

Rose: Oh no! I just killed them!

Doctor: Trust me. It was a mercy.

Jack: Huh! I'm alive?

Doctor: No.

Jack: Oh. Sorry.

He slumps dead.

Rose: Oh, no! Jack!

Doctor: This is a Tangent Universe, Rose. Nothing is certain until the wave form collapses. We've got to find the corruption at the heart of this timeline and restore it. Everyone around us, living or dead, is being manipulated by outside forces.

Rose: You really ARE a conspiracy nut.

Doctor: Yes. But am I ENOUGH of a conspiracy nut. Come on. There's a door which should lead onto stage. If we can stop the Serbian team from winning then...

A whispering starts.

Rose: What's that noise?

Doctor: I dunno. What's it say.

Rose: "Pity". It says to pity something. "Pity the Zelans."

Doctor: The Zelans?!?

Suddenly a blue cloud of light coalesces in front of the doorway, assuming three alien shapes.

Zelans: Pity us. Pity the Zelans.

Doctor: You're not Zelans, you're Gelth!

Zelans: We are NOT Gelth! God, we hate people making those mistakes! Not all gaseous alien races look the same!

Rose: You're just Gelth!

Zelans: We are not. We are manipulative, ghost like alien gas monsters who can only become corporeal in certain specialized circumstances...

Doctor: Sounds like the Gelth to me.

Zelans: WE ARE NOT THE GELTH, ALL RIGHT!

Rose: Gelthy, Gelthy, Gelthy!

Zelans: OH REAL MATURE!

Doctor: Hahaha! Vun Gelth, two Gelth, tree Gelth! Mwahahaha!

Zelans: WE ARE *NOT* GELTH!

Doctor: Are so!

Zelans: Are not!

Rose: Are so!

Zelans: Are not!

Doctor: Are so!

Zelans: Are too!

Rose: Are not!

Zelans: Are too!

Doctor: Are not!

Zelans: Are too!

Rose: Dee too!

Zelans: Eh? Look, we are the Gelth and that is the last word on it!

Beat.

Zelans: You cunning sons of bitches.

Doctor: Yeah, whatever.

He lights a match and throws it on the Zelans, who burst into flames and scream hysterically as they are reduced to dust.

Doctor: Oh god. First Ben, then Spartha, then Jake, then Jackie, then Mickey, plus all those monsters. It's just death! DEATH GONE MAD!

Rose: Got some whipped cream on my inner thigh if that'd cheer you up.

Doctor: (brightly) The thought is enough, Rose. Let us face our destiny!

He wrenches open the door.

Doctor: Ghastly!

Rose: Amazing!

Doctor: Horrible!

Rose: Stupendous!

Doctor: Disgusting!

Rose: Beautiful!

The Doctor stares at her.

Doctor: WHAT?!?

They pass through the door to what lies on the other side...

Illegitimate Boring Shits
-------------------------------
7. "Explanations Need Brain Work And That Gives You A Headache, What?"

The Doctor and Rose (who fact fans is still naked bar some random applications of whipped cream) step through a door onto a soundstage that has been decked out as Stonehenge. Katie Ryan is tied to a sacrificial stone. Corrine has a length of rubber hose which she beats Katie's stomach. Paul stands at the end of the alter with a baseball mit and some vaseline.

Corrine: You know, Paul, this ancient Lancastrian art of labor induction doesn't seem to be working.

Paul: It worked in Ace Ventura II!

Corrine: Well, the Messiah Child hasn't moved a damn inch... in fact, it's probably retarded by now - assuming it wasn't already!

Katie: Are you insulting me?

Corrine: (thinks about it) Yep.

She whacks Katie over the head. The Doctor and Rose watch on.

Rose: So... her baby is the only remaining trace of Ben Chatham?

Doctor: Maybe. I mean, she wasn't exactly what you'd call monogomous.

Rose: What is she then?

Doctor: Let's just say Jack thought she was a bit loose and free.

Rose: Oh well. Gimme the sonic screwdriver and I can fry her brains.

Doctor: Now, Rose, murdering a defenceless woman JUST because she happens to be carrying the illigitimate offspring of a total bastard isn't on.

Rose pouts.

Doctor: It's not on, Rose!

She pouts some more.

Doctor: Murder is WRONG, Rose!

She uncrosses her legs.

Doctor: I was never here.

He hands her the sonic screwdriver and steps back.

Paul: You know, I'm bored with this stupid cargo cult. It's bad enough changing our OWN incontinence trousers without a baby around the place.

Corrine: Yeah. Besides, a baby will really put a cramp on our carefree swinging bachelor and bachelorette lifestyle.

Paul: Lets do it Ood style!

The two Satanists start to shag. Rose jumps over them and aims the sonic screwdriver at Katie's head.

Katie: Have you come to save me?

Rose: Yes and no. Mostly... no.

Just as Rose is going to fire, there is a massive roar and the floor beneath Paul and Corrine bursts apart. They are thrown across the room as a huge, horned beast rises out of the flames.

Doctor: Oh, my, god, the Beast!

Rose: No, it's Abbadon.

Helzebuh: NIETHER! I AM HELZEBUH, LEADER OF THE LUCIFARIANS IN THE CRITICALLY-PANNED "SPARACUS DOES THE CHRISTMAS INVASION!"

Rose: So it is!

Doctor: I don't remember you.

Helzebeh: I WASN'T ACTUALLY IN THE ORIGINAL PLOT, BUT I GOT MENTIONED A FEW TIMES IN THE OG THREAD WHEN THE AUTHOR WAS TRYING TO MAINTAIN CREDIBILITY. ENOUGH OF THAT! I AM HERE TO CLAIM MY SACRIFICE! BEN CHATHAM: THE NEXT GENERATION, THIS TIME IT'S SMOOTHE!

Katie: You know, I thought morning sickness was bad...

Helzebuh: IT WAS! AND NOW YOU SHALL HAVE THE MORNING SICKNESS... FROM HELL!

Doctor: But you're an alien Lucifarian! You don't believe in Hell!

Helzebuh: AH-HAH! BUT I'M AN *INSANE* ALIEN LUCIFARIAN! BREEDING WITH HUMAN CHICKS AND EATING BABIES IS JUST A PERK!

Rose: Yeah, well, I claimed dibs first. The bitch is mine.

Helzebuh: ARE *YOU* A DARK DEMIGOD FROM BEYOND THE FRAME OF TIME?

Rose: Are you?

Helzebuh: DON'T DISS ME, BITCH!

Rose: Make me, goat features!

She raises the sonic screwdriver and james it into a speaker. There is a loud shrill noise and the Lucifarian's head explodes. The headless body falls on top of Katie who cries out.

Katie: Damn! My bladder!

Just then, a voice is heard.

Voice: Hey. Who's messing with the sound system?

The Doctor and Rose turns to see a tall, shaggy haired man surrounded by what look like ABBA in rehab.

Doctor: By the Virgin Mary and all the Saints!

Rose: By the Ass Crack of the Infinite!

Doctor AND Rose: IT'S JEFF BECK AND THE SWEDISH ENTRY OF THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST 2007!

Katie: (muffled) Sounds like a cue for a song!

The band begin to play a screaming guitar tune. The Doctor and Rose stand in front of them, translating the lyrics into sign language. During guitar riffs they take each other's arms and dance in circles, western style.

Jeff Beck: Shapes
Of things before my eyes
Just teach me to despise!
Will time make Man more wise?

Here, within my lonely frame,
My eyes just hurt my brain!
But will it seem the same??

Doc/Rose: COME TOMORROW!

Jeff Beck: Will I be older?

Doc/Rose: COME TOMORROW!

Jeff Beck: Maybe a soldier?

Doc/Rose: COME TOMORROW!

Jeff Beck: Will I be bolder

All: THAN TO-DAY?!?!?!?!?!?

Jeff Beck: Soon,
I hope that I will find
Thoughts deep within my mind
That won't disgrace my kind!

Now
The trees are almost green
But will they be still be seen
When time and tide have been?

Forward, into your passing hands
Please, don't destroy these lands
Don't make them desert sands!

Doc/Rose: COME TOMORROW!

Jeff Beck: Will I be older?

Doc/Rose: COME TOMORROW!

Jeff Beck: Maybe a soldier?

Doc/Rose: COME TOMORROW!

Jeff Beck: May I be bolder

All: THAN TO-DAY?!?!?!?!?!?

Jeff Beck: Shapes
Of things before my eyes
Just teach me to despise!
Will time make Man more wise?

Soon, I hope that I might find
Thoughts deep within my mind
That won't destroy my kind!

The music ends. Everyone cheers.

Rose: Wow! A brilliant song, and it padded out the episode quite nicely. I can't imagine why the Swedes didn't win!

Jeff Beck: I can! The Eurovision Song Contest is run by racist bastards!

Doctor: Bit harsh there, Beck, don't you think? I'm sure you didn't lose just because you were representing Switzerland.

Jeff Beck: No... but we did lose just because we aren't human!

Jeff and the band all bug their eyes and contact lenses fly through the air revealing reptillian eyes underneath.

Rose: Oh. Fantastic. The Crestals.

Doctor: Not the chameleonic rock band that tried to conquer a copyright-dodging version of Woodstock in the critically-raped-repeatedly-by-slug-people "The Love Generation"?

Jeff Beck: The very same!

Rose: You guys are the lamest monsters we ever beat! You were actually trying to turn a bunch of spaced out hippies and beatniks into an army using rock and roll! AND YOU FAILED UTTERLY!

Doctor: Yeah. The hippies beat the shit out of you and stole your space craft! Why are you back now?

Jeff Beck: Doctor, we've changed. We're only in it for the music. But this planet is so damn insular you have to be ape-descended to get a green card! Bitches!

Doctor: What happened to the real Swedish entrants?

Jeff Beck: I dunno man, humans all look the same to me. Except for you Rose. Can we get a lap dance?

Rose: No.

Jeff Beck: Lame.

Doctor: But someone's trying to change history, and they brought YOU here so the Swedes would get unofficially disqualified - so who is behind this twisted anniversary special?

Jeff Beck: Actually, it's...

Sandbags fall from above and crush all the Cestrals, flooding the stage with gore. Rose grimaces and shakes off some of internal organs splatted over her.

Doctor: That's pretty disgusting.

Katie screams and a spray of amniotic fluid soaks Rose.

Doctor: Now, that's TOTALLY disgusting.

Rose: (spits out water) I see the Chatham Offspring is ready to enter the world.

Katie screams.

Doctor: Sounds painful.

Rose: Well, it would be, trying to get an ego that large through a--

Docotr: HAHAHAHAHAH! Children are still watching, Rose. Let's not go into detail. I'm sure I'll be able to deliver the baby.

Rose: You done it before then?

Doctor: Oh yes. I'm a expert. Well, I do have a bit of a blindspot of how long it takes for the egg to hatch...

Rose: That's not humans.

Doctor: Hmm? Oh, right! Yeah, I was thinking of Weevils! I always get those two mixed up!

Katie: Can I get an ambulance instead!

Doctor: Don't be silly, Katie, the budget won't stretch THAT far! Now, just lie back, think of Ben Chatham and it'll all be fine.

Voice: Au contraire, Doctor.

Rose: Oh, for fuck's sake, who is it now?

They turn around.

Doctor: It's Richard the Third from the critically-panned-and-not-at-all-ripped-off-by-Nev-Fountain-as-The-Kingmaker-or-Justin-Richards-as-Sometime-Never "Loyalty Binds Me!"

Richard III: THEY VERY SAME!

Doctor: Whatever.

Illogic Brings Ships
---------------------
8. "Neologising? IS THAT EVEN A WORD?!?"

Rose forces Paul and Corrine over to the laboring Katie.

Katie: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH! {note: she does this a lot this episode, so just imagine it being typed out every single line - gimme a break}

Paul: Why us? Why do we have to deliver the hellspawn?

Rose: You were the ones who wanted the damn Messiah Child!

Corrine: Oh, like we're not allowed to change our minds!

Rose: You don't HAVE minds!

Paul: Well. You got us there.

She throws them at Katie and both of them are soaked in a spray of gore and blood.

Paul: (spits) What freak dubbed this the miracle of nature?

Corrine: I dunno. Doesn't taste bad.

Paul: Your brain cells would make chavs blush.

Corrine: I wish I understood that.

Paul: So do I.

They are both sprayed with gore again. Rose crosses to where the Doctor and Richard III are playing basketball.

Rose: Right, well, the bastard should be delivered soon, but knowing the father, it's probably trying to get out the wrong hole.

Doctor: Too much information, Rose. Now, I've worked out a lot of incredibly detailed and fascinating information in that brief moment you were getting the worlds most incompetent midwives since King Havoc the Imbecile and his inbred half cousin opened up the Placenter Play Centre, so I'll some it up quickly for you.

Rose: Let me guess - none of this is real, it's all a tangent universe created by whatever insane force created Ben Chatham and infected our lives within him?

Richard III: Wow. Good guess.

Doctor: Ah, but you see - ooh, slam dunk! - this tangent universe is kept stable by those in it, all the infected beings of this universe. While they exist, the universe exists. As they die, the tangent universe becomes more and more unstable.

Rose: Like they're a fuse?

Richard III: Exactly. The one murdering everyone isn't out to get chavs, it's out to destroy this tangent universe and save creation as we know it.

Rose: So how many more to be killed off?

Richard III: Just me, and that lot over there as far as I can tell. And I really shouldn't have said that out aloud, should I?

The Doctor and Rose shake their heads.

Richard III: I'm going to die horribly in the next few minutes, aren't I?

The Doctor and Rose nod.

Richard III: Can I lick off some of the whipped cream?

Doctor: Course.

He takes a can of spray whipped cream from his pocket and liberally douses Richard III's head before doing a round-house kick that knocks it from the shoulders.

Rose: You DID realize he meant lick some of the cream off ME?

Doctor: Course I did. I'm not thick!

Rose: (grins) You could fooled me.

Doctor: Right. We just have to kill the other three...

Rose: Four.

Doctor: Oh yeah. Four. Anyway, do that and run back to the TARDIS before the nexual discontinuity um continues itself nexially. So to speak.

They wander over to Katie who is screaming lots of abuse about Ben Chatham's sperm count.

Doctor: Time to pass out cigars yet?

Corrine: Oooh! Are they laced with opium?

Rose: He means, is the baby born yet?

Paul: Nah. Look. She hasn't dilated at all!

Doctor: (blinks) That's her belly button.

Paul: I am an expert on human phsyiognomy, based on extreme and detailed study on various magazines. This patient is an unusual case!

Corrine: Yes, there are no staples anywhere and she has a third dimension.

Doctor: That's two more than the rest of this tangent universe.

Rose: Um... should the baby be coming out bum first?

Doctor: Well, it IS a Chatham.

Corrine: Oh well, we'll try again.

She kicks violently at Katie, causing all the others to wince.

Doctor: Dunno if that's gonna help.

Katie: Yet, I feel a strange release. Suddenly, I realize homosexuals are no longer parasitical nomads specifically bred to cut down my man action. It all makes sense!

Rose: She's talking like a human being!

Doctor: Not good! DUCK!

Suddenly, Katie explodes in even more blood and gore than a remastered DVD trilogy of Lucio Fulchi and George A Romero films. The Doctor and Rose watch the steaming entrails hit the floor.

Doctor: NOW you know why your mum gets so annoyed by you.

The intestine and placentre drenched Paul and Corrine stand up.

Paul: Is it over?

Corrine: Has Ben returned?

The blood drenched offspring snaps its way out of Katie's corpse, stretching and growing larger.

Offspring: YES... AND NO!

It reaches out with two huge clawed hands and snips their heads off, causing fountains of blood.

Offspring: MOSTLY NO!

Rose: Oh my god, that's not...

Doctor: I'm afraid so.

Rose: The daughter of Ben Chatham and Katie Ryan is...

Doctor: I know.

Rose: A Sliveen?!

The creature shakes off its gore.

Slitheen: Ah! Doctor! We meet again!

Doctor: BLON FEL FOTCH PASAMEER-DAY SLITHEEN?!?! HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?!

Slitheen: You see, I fooled you into thinking I wanted redemption!

Rose: How? I mean, the TARDIS turned you into an egg and wiped all your memories.

Slitheen: This is unfair! Bring back Van Statten as an insane suicidal moron six years before we meet him, and that's just bad continuity, but when I do it, it's just insane?

Doctor: OK then, Blon, how in the name of all that is the Waterfront Dispute did you somehow get inside Katie Ryan? And why?

A long beat.

Doctor: You don't know, do you?

Rose: She's just making this up.

Slitheen: I am not!

Doctor: This is just bullshit, now. I'm sorry, this is rubbish!

Slitheen: Ah, hah! My plan has worked!

Doctor: There's no plan here!

Rose: Not one that human beings would understand!

Slitheen: You never DO understand, do you?

The Slitheen unzips its head to reveal...

... BENJAMIN SEBSASTIAN (POSSIBLY JAMES) CHATHAM!

Ben: You never do!!!

Torturing Lips
-----------------
9. "Doctor Who and The Elevation Of Futility To A High Art"

Rose: You know, this is actually the tenth episode.

Doctor: Is it?

Rose: Yeah. There are two part threes.

Doctor: Oh, well, it's the price you pay typing these things into a post without checking them beforehand.

Spartha: Exactly.

Rose: Sod off, you're dead.

Spartha: You vulgar chav, and lardarse!

Doctor: Remind me, Martha, why the fuck did I let you into my TARDIS again?

Spartha vanishes in a puff of logic.

Doctor: You know, Rose, killing her once was never enough... mwahahahah!

Ben: AHEM!!

Rose & Doctor: WHAT?!?!

Ben: Hello! Back from the dead!

Doctor: No you're not.

Ben: Yes I am!

Doctor: No you're not! You're dead! You shouldn't be here! You're not even canon!

Ben: If I'm not canon, then why am I even here?

Rose: Like, Tangent Universe, you moron?

Ben: God, Rose, you're even more disgusting than I remember. All that flab, that rough skin, the dyed hair, the teeth, but above all, the chavishness.

Doctor: Where DO you get off, Ben? You don't even know what a chav is!

Ben: I do so!

Rose: Go on then.

Ben: What, you want me to prove it?

Doctor: If you can.

Ben: Chavs are lower class scum who live on housing estates, eating microwave meals, stealing asbos whatever asbos are, with vile hoodies, pink tracksuits and a refusal to read the great works of, um, Shakespeare and Dickens.

Doctor: Is that what Rose is?

Ben: Yes!

Rose: But I've got high paying jobs, I don't steal, I've MET Shakespeare and Dickens...

Doctor: Before you bitch, Chatham, she did meet Shakespeare in Groatsworth of Wit. We're not mixing up Rose and Martha in The Shakespeare Code, so don't write in.

Ben: All such correspondence is irrelevent anyway. Moving on...

Doctor: Moving BACK, your blanket condemnation of a whole part of English culture misses the point. The true chav is someone materialistic, with limited intelligence and no goals whatsoever.

Ben: Exactly! All the Powell Estate are chavs!

Rose: What about you?

Ben: What ABOUT me, horse features?

Rose: If anyone's a chav, it's you.

Ben: Impossible! I have a degree!

Rose: In what?

Ben: Er...

Rose: And what do you do for a living?

Ben: I'm an amateur archaeologist.

Doctor: VERY amateur. Look at his smooth skin. No archaelogist has skin that smooth. He hasn't done a day's work in all his life.

Rose: You sit around the place all day getting drunk, never doing any work, just wanking off to Bowie and Phillip Glass and wondering why no one loves you.

Doctor: You're arrogant, selfish, insensitive and quite possibly autistic.

Rose: What's REALLY insulting is that the maniac behind all this thought you were just my type.

Ben: You never loved me! You just wanted me as a way to a better, more cultured life!

Rose: No I didn't.

Ben: You must have! You're a chav!

Doctor: I thought we agreed that chavs were marked out by their LACK of ambition?

Ben: Well, yes...

Doctor: And YOU have to be the least ambitious person I've ever met. There are amoeba on Saturn that are more goal-oriented than you.

Ben: I - AM - NOT - A CHAV!!!

Doctor: Oh, God, let's settle this once and for all. K9?!

K9 Mark 4 walks in. Yes, walks. On legs. It is followed by Charles Broxby and Genna.

K9: Master?

Ben: Eh? Oh right. I forgot all about you?

K9: Your insensitive wankerness is noted, Mistress.

Ben: I am not a Mistress!

K9: Photographic evidence proves otherwise, Mistress.

Doctor: K9, do us a favor. Define chav, can you?

K9: Affirmative, Master. Chav, also known as "Charv" or "Charver", is a derogatory slang term in the United Kingdom for a subcultural stereotype of deliquency fixated on fashions such as gold jewellery and 'designer' clothing. They are generally considered to have no respect for society, and be ignorant or unintelligent. Defining features include baseball caps, hoodies, sweatpants, tracksuits and other such clothing, lack of financial support, drug usage and irresponsible sexual practices, and being incredibly prejudicial in terms of class, race and gender.

Doctor: In short, Ben Chatham, YOU.

Ben: NO!! I WON'T BELIEVE IT!

Rose: Give us an example then?

K9: Notable chav stereotypes include Vicky Pollard, Michael Carrol, Lauren Cooper, Devvo, Wayne Rooney, Ali G. The most famous example of all chavistic tendencies and zero moral values lists two names.

Doctor: Which are?

K9: Benjamin Sebastian Chatham and Benjamin James Chatham.

Ben: (weakly) No...

Doctor: First rule of the fanatic, eh, Rose? When you obsess about the enemy, you become the enemy.

Ben: I am not a chav!

Rose: What's your last name?

Ben: Chatham!

Doctor: And is it a coincidence that Chatham just happens to be the name of the mangy dockyards from which the chav subculture is said to originate!

K9: Affirmative Master.

Rose: And everyone calls you Ben Chavvam behind your back.

K9: Or just "cunt" to your face.

Ben: Charles Dickens lived in Chatham! Composer Percy Whitlock lived in Chatham! Author and screenwriter Stel Pavlou lived in Chatham! Artist, poet and musician Billy Childish lived in Chatham

Doctor: Painter psychotic and killer Richard Dadd lived in Chatham...

Ben: Charles Dickens lived in Chatham! He loved it there!

Doctor: Even if there were chavs there?

Ben weeps.

Ben: I AM NO CHAV!

Doctor: There you go again! Acting like "chav" is worth anything. It's just a word. The point is you criticize everyone for being remotely like yourself. You despise yourself in others. Logic doesn't come into it.

Rose: No wonder you killed yourself.

Ben: You can't talk, Rose, you scum! I remember you running around me like a squid on heat, screaming "IMPREGNATE ME NOW, CULTURE BOY!"

Rose: I didn't!

Doctor: No, she didn't.

Ben: And why not? BECAUSE YOU'RE A CHAV!

Doctor: Is it me or has thing conversation gone precisely nowhere.

K9: Affirmative Master. Attempts to engage Ben Chatham in reasoned intellectual discourse collapse with a frequency of 100 per cent. Prognostication suggests Ben Chatham will now change subject.

Ben: I will not! Anyway, moving on...

Rose: AND you're a mysogynist!

Ben: What's wrong with that?

Doctor: Well, until you get round to explaining your miraculous return from the dead, it looks like you murdered the mother of your child and your child in a quite unnecessarily gory way.

Ben: Hah! There was no child! It was me all along.

Rose: That doesn't make sense.

Ben: All will be explained in a full outline.

K9: Oh, for fuck's sake.

K9 zaps Ben repeatedly.

Ben: ARGH! SHIT! All right! I am not Ben Chatham. I am that wierd kid you met at stonehenge, spawned by alien spores that conveniently infected a suitable woman just when she was having it off with the man she was stalking, so no one ever suspected a thing.

Rose: We beat you.

Doctor: Reduced you to a stream of consciousness and sent you back where you came from.

Rose: How exactly did that work, Doctor?

Doctor: Haven't the faintest idea.

Ben: You merely took credit for Ben Chatham's genius.

Rose and the Doctor snigger and giggle.

Ben: The elders of my planet realized that while the collossus that is Chatham was on this world, no invasion could possibly succeed! His intellect was truly godlike!

The Doctor, Rose and K9 are falling around, screaming with laughter and weeping with pain.

Ben: Thus, we chose to create the next generation of Chatham, all the strength and, well more strengths! Chatham has no weakness!

Genna and Charles are screaming with hysterical laughter.

Ben: WHY DOES NO ONE ELSE TAKE CHATHAM SERIOUSLY?!?

Even more laughter.

Ben: Mock me while you can...

All: We shall!

Ben: But you cannot defeat me this time!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: Oh no you won't!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: Oh no you won't!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: Oh no you won't!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: Oh no you won't!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: Oh no you won't!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: Oh no you won't!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: Oh no you won't!

All: Oh yes we will!

Ben: How? You need a stone circle!

Rose: Look behind you, Mr I-Have-A-Degree.

Ben turns and sees the stage, as previously noted, is set out to look like Stonehenge. That bit of extraneous detail suddenly not so extraneous now, huh?

Ben: Oh, you have got to be FUCKING kidding me!

There is a cheap negative effect and Ben is sucked end over end into a time vortex of eternal pain and suffering.

Rose: Remember kids, "chav" is a four letter word.

Doctor: And not a GOOD four letter word like "love" or "nice".

Rose: More like "mofo" or "wank".

Doctor: So, never say "chav". It's demeaning, it's classist, it's intolerant...

Rose: And it MIGHT get your teeth kicked in if there are any GENUINE chavs around the place.

K9: That was your thought for today.

Doctor: Right. The universe must REALLY be in danger by now. Better clear the last few remnants of the Tangent Universe. K9, if you'd be so kind...

K9: Affirmative, Master.

K9 turns and fires his nose laser at the two figures, who evaporate in the exact same special effect used in The Ribos Operation episode four. Watch it and find out which I mean.

Rose: Harsh. They didn't get any dialogue.

Doctor: Well, they weren't memorable enough to earn it were they? In fact, they weren't memorable at all.

Rose: Who do you mean?

Doctor: I forget. K9, who do I mean?

K9: Insufficient data, Master.

Rose: What do we do now?

A trap door opens directly beneath them. Looney Tunes style, they hang in the air for a moment.

Doctor: Give you three guesses.

They fall down a long, long, long shaft and land on a mattress and bounce into a dark room, lit only by a spotlight shing on a desk. Behind the desk is a chair.

Rose: You OK, Doctor?

Doctor: Fine. You?

Rose: Got any more whipped cream?

Doctor: Not now. We must be right underneath the stadium. The person in that chair is the mastermind behind this entire Tangent Universe. Shall we say hello?

Rose: Let me at the fucker.

She storms around the desk and spins the chair round to reveal its occupant.

K9: Bugger me sideways.

Rose: YOU!

Doctor: But that's IMPOSSIBLE!

String Fits
-----------
10. "The Well Of Vergelmir, Deep Beneath The Ground, Where Broods Of Serpents Spew Their Venom Over The Great Ash Tree!"

Rose spins around the chair.

K9: Bugger me sideways.

Rose: YOU!

Doctor: But that's IMPOSSIBLE!

Guinea Pig: Yes! The Ultimate Impossibility!

Still Fits
----------
11. "He Shall Win Shall Lose!"

Rose: Blimey, that was a quick episode.

Doctor: We don't have time to worry about that now, Rose. You, you little hairy parasite, I thought we killed you.

Rose: Yeah, you were possessed by an Evil from the Dawn of Time, so the Doctor stepped on you.

Doctor: Did I? What a bastard! I'm sure I could have worked out a better solution to that.

GP: Could you?

Rose: Shut up!

GP: Uh-uh. All the rest were there for completeness sake. I'm actually a character in this, blondie. Nice tits, by the way.

Rose folds her arms.

GP: Aw.

Doctor: How did you survive getting stepped on in the critically-defecated-upon "A Time For Love and First Degree Guinea Pig o Cide"?

GP: Ah, but according to the twisted mind behind all this, I was really a spider of some description.

Rose: Bollocks. You were a hamster!

GP: I know, but a fundamental disagreement like that is really spectacular in a tangent universe. Until it was decided what I was, I was nothing and therefore cannot die.

K9: You want us to test that, fluffy cheeks?

GP: You can try. But I'm the only one who understands the true nature of this reality.

Doctor: How so?

GP: Easy. I haven't been under the creator's thrall, nor have I spent the last ten episodes brutally murdering the other characters or having sex with Rose.

Doctor: Your loss.

GP: Yeah, I know. Anyway, no doubt you have questions. What do you want to know?

Doctor: OK. Why did the Serbs win the Eurovision Song Contest, 2007?

GP: Easy. The judges thought they were the best non-European country.

Rose: What does that have to with do anything?

GP: The known world was not exactly thrilled by the war in Iraq, Rose. Course, you missed most of that. Anyway, it's just a form of protest.

Doctor: Not the temporal corruption that splintered off this tangent universe?

GP: Hell no. In fact, it's one of the few things in this tangent universe that's actually right.

Rose: Then what was the original corruption? Ben Chatham?

GP: Precisely. The corruption occured 2.3 seconds after the Doctor said the name "Barcelona". Since then, you've been in this corrupt and rather less than mediocre version of events, populated by constructs designed to stablize the timeline and hold it in place.

Rose: All the people who got killed today? The fuse?

Doctor: Yes. And immediately after I regenerated, we arrived in Little Balcome and met the Smoothe Bastard out there.

GP: And ever since he has been reinfecting continuity.

Doctor: I'm sure we would have noticed.

GP: You probably did. But try as you might, the corruption stayed there. Think of all the contradictions.

Rose: Like how my mum could die of a brain tumor by eating an apple?

GP: In 2005 as well. And what about Van Statten and the Cybermen attacking that year as well?

Doctor: Or me being able to travel back in time and get all the nanogenes without summoning the reapers?

GP: And those nanogenes automatically allowing chavs to die - Chatham himself being the one to decide who counted as what.

Rose: Bastard!

GP: Oh, there's more. How can you have left the Doctor in Albion Hospital in 2005 and also on Bad Wolf Bay in 20.10? You left, yet you stayed.

Doctor: Mickey joined a cult when he didn't and we learned that from his sister when he didn't have one.

Rose: It's some kind of clue, isn't it? Like bad wolf?

GP: Nah, just shit continuity Rose. But all good things come to an end. Even this. The corruption has had diminishing returns, and after you tricked Ben Chatham into killing himself, it start to fall apart.

Doctor: Well, thanks for explaining that. What do we do now?

GP: Well, if you want this universe to end completely, just press that red button over here.

He points with a paw to a ridiculously complicated buzzer bolted onto the table.

Doctor: The one marked "the End"?

GP: That's the bastard.

Rose: And what happens when we press it?

GP: The End, of course. You. Me. Tangent Universe. It all ends.

Rose: I suppose there isn't time to nip back to the TARDIS?

GP: No. You see, you're part of the tangent reality. You're the last bit of the fuse. If you...

A phone rings.

GP: Sorry about this. (picks up phone) Hello? Special Patrol Group speaking. Oh! Cam! How are you? How's life on the DWCA Committee? Yeah, I'm not interested, it's just a conversational pleasantary... What? You've got a question? Well, make it quick, the universe is about to End. Just a sec.

The Guinea Pig takes out a notepad and starts writing.

GP: Go ahead. "Why... the hell... the DWCA committee... can't... even... burn... you... copies... of
Series Three, the... fucking... bastards...?" Is that it? Yeah. Right. The answer is, wait, you got a pen? Yeah. "They... fear... your... beauty..." BEAUTY! B-E-A-U-T-Y! Yeah. Yeah, sure. Buy me a drink sometime. Yeah. Bye, Cam. Bye. Bye. Yes, yes, I'm sure... Bye...

Annoyed, the Guinea Pig smashes the mobile on the table and breaks it.

GP: Sorry about that. Right. You want to end everything.

Doctor: I have to admit, I'm not keen.

Rose: What happens to the bastard who causes all this?

GP: No idea.

Rose: But I'm not going to end it all if he doesn't get ended with it!

GP: Rosie. Baby. Let it go. He's not worth it, is he?

Rose: I don't care how you cut it, what he did was unbelievable and I'm getting my own back.

GP: What does it matter, though?

Doctor: What does it matter? We have had our entire existence reduced to pornography by a racist, sexist biggoted illiterate whose all round staggering lack of talent makes Eric Saward look job-motivated. THAT'S WHAT MATTERS!

GP: There's always the upside.

Rose: Upside?

GP: Adam is a rehabilitated human being. Jack has been spared immortality. Torchwood Cardiff are not the most pathetic organization ever. The Daleks stayed extinct. Mickey gained a sister who loved him. And you didn't have to say goodbye in separate universes. Doesn't that count for much?

Rose: Does it balance out him making me a brain dead, social-climbing whore? That he killed my mum because he thought she was common? That he made Ben fucking Chatham the centre of our universe so nothing we could do ever again could happen without HIM in the middle of it?

Doctor: He made me believe the ends justify the means, Guinea Pig. That's not just something you forgive, is it?

GP: Isn't it? This universe was created by one, admittedly perverted and criminally insane person. Your proper universe was created by dozens of people, talented people who love that universe as much as you do. Millions of people believe in it. Hardly three people ever thought this universe was worth remembering. So many, many people watched with baited breath as you two fought the monsters, saw time and space and made life and history better. All those people believe in you. Only one person believes in Ben Chatham, and we all know what a fuckwit he is.

Rose: What are you trying to say?

GP: I'm saying, does it matter if this tangent universe full of absinthe, lethargy, conspiracy, racial hatred and social intollerance exist? Only one person cares about it. None of the others care about it. Few even know it exists. Just because the sick bastard said Rose lost the love of her life in a Paris hotel room, does that invalidate the thousands who know for certain she never met him?

Doctor: Nice try. K9. Shoot him.

K9: Affirmative Master.

GP: You cannae do this! I'm voiced by Billy Co--- ARGH!

The hamster explodes.

Doctor: Now self-destruct.

K9: Affirmative Master.

Doctor: Good boy, K9.

K9: Master, request preparation of biscected salmonidae with coal smoke and lemon. This unit will return in time for said as part of early morning meal.

K9 explodes spectacularly. Silence. Everything echoes now.

Rose: It's just us, now.

Doctor: Yes. We're the last bit of the fuse. The hamster wanted us to change our minds and spare him.

Rose: If he was behind all this... why? I mean, if he'd kept his mouth shut, we would never have got suspicious.

Doctor: He was a guinea pig, Rose. They're not exactly super-intelligence pan dimensional hyper beings, are they?

Rose: Course not. Those are white mice.

Doctor: Exactly. If we can truly destroy this tangent universe, the real one will never be compromised.

Rose: That does mean we both die.

Doctor: We're not really alive, are we, Rose? We're just echoes, slightly more like original noises than we were.

Rose: Means, if we do somehow exist after this, we'll never see each other again.

Doctor: I know. And, if it's my last chance to say it...

Rose: Yeah?

Doctor: Rose Tyler...

Rose: Yeah?

Doctor: You have ONE hell of an inferiority complex, you know that? You have SEVERE abandonment issues! I know your dad died when you were a baby when he ran into traffic, but for crying out loud, you know he didn't suddenly stop loving you! I can't do a damn thing without you telling me to come back, or stick with you, and if I so much as use the TARDIS to get the milk you think I've dumped you forever more! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WOMAN! STOP PANICKING!

Rose: Done?

Doctor: Pretty much. You got anything?

Rose: Good. Because, buster, you're not exactly perfect yourself! I mean, platonic or not, you have been sniffing up every damn woman we meet! People think I get upset about you chatting up a waitress, but that was after you seduced Sarah Jane Smith, Mdme du Pompador, Xena the Slutty Princess, Suki, Scooty, Ida...

Doctor: Getting the picture, Rose.

Rose: And DEAR GOD you can be embarassing sometimes! You're 900 years old...

Doctor: If the words "act your age" are said, I might lose it.

Rose: That's another thing. You always have to bang on about how cool you are, how you're a higher authority and there's the blood of species on your hands! TALK ABOUT INSECURE!

Long pause.

Doctor: Wow. We really are pretty ordinary for a couple when you think about it, huh?

Rose: I love you.

Doctor: I love you too, Rose Tyler.

The Doctor looks around.

Rose: What?

Doctor: Just checking Charley isn't around.

Rose: WHO'S CHARLEY?!?

Grinning, the Doctor taps her nose.

Doctor: Psyche!

Rose: You git. Let's do it then.

Together they press the button. A wind starts to blow around them and the light grows brighter and brighter.

Rose: Doctor!

Doctor: Don't be scared, Rose, it's not everyday you see an entire universe shunted out of existence...

Rose: That's not what I'm worried about!

Doctor: What then?

Rose: What's to stop the sick sad son of a bitch from starting this all over again?

Doctor: Ah... I didn't think of that...

The light glows brighter and brighter.

Ben Chatham Is Not Now Nor Has Ever Been Nor Ever Will Be Canon Or Even Liked
---------------------------------------
12. The End of an Error

The Doctor dives on the button and presses it again. The light dims.

Doctor: Sweet Onion Chutney, that was close!

Rose: You just switched it off?

Doctor: Well, there was some neutron flow polarity reversing, but basically yeah. Gimme your phone, Rose.

Rose: How can I get my phone? I'm naked, remember?

Doctor: I know all about the tricks Jack taught you. Phone.

Rose: All right, close your eyes.

The Doctor does so.

Rose: OK, open them. Here you go.

The Doctor takes the phone.

Doctor: Nice and warm. OK. Just have to make a deviously mischevious and secretive phonecall.

Rose: Wow! That doesn't seem ominous!

Cut to:

A squalid bedsit. There is a huge pile of unopened bills up against the front door, most of them marked final demand. The room contains a bed, a TV and a very crude computer set up. Used tissues are everywhere. Posters of Adam Rickitt line the wall. A podgy, pale, balding forty-year old sits in a T-shirt and Y-fronts holding a half empty bottle of absinthe as "The Parting of the Ways" plays on the TV.

TV: And, before I go, I just want to say... you were fantastic.

Mark Goucher: No she wasn't!

TV: Absolutely fantastic.

Mark: Are you blind, you common oik! She's an evil chav with huge teeth! Why couldn't you have Adam Rickitt as a companion?

TV: And so was I!

Mark: You were rubbish, you quitter. How I despise the air you steal from upper class demigods! I hope you die horribly!

TV: Hello I... Ew. New teeth. That's wierd.

Mark: No no no no no NO NO NO!

Mark brutally kicks his TV apart, smashing it to pieces and causing an explosion.

Mark: David Tennant is nothing! How dare they make him the new Doctor! How very dare they! Why couldn't it be Adam Rickitt! Oh god, why did you make this perfect being and then prevent him from being in Doctor Who? Why god, why?

Mark turns to a shop window mannequin in the corner, covered with stains. A photo of Adam Rickitt's face is stuck to it. He opens a jar of honey and pours it over the mannequin chest sadly.

Mark: Oh Adam. Why has no one heard of you outside Corination Street? Why does no one love you the way I do? Why won't you stop being straight and let me lick honey off you instead of this dummy? This dummy with the honey stains that seem to be becoming mind-altering fungii?

Mark licks some of the honey off. His pupils dilate.

Mark: Whoooooooooooooooooooooah! I have just had the most fantastic of ideas!

Mark addresses a volleyball with a smiley face painted on it.

Mark: SHUT UP, SPIDER! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD IT YET! I'll create a companion for Adam Rickitt to play in Doctor Who! A companion the audience will love and demand be shown on TV with Adam Rickitt playing the part! And they'll see how beautiful and attractive he is and make him play Doctor Who! All I need is a character... I know, an archaelogist! Yeah, no one will ever have done that before. An archaeologist who strips off, and Rose falls in love with him, forcing him to realize all women are chav sluts, and making him gay! And then all men will despise him for being an arrogant, insensitive arsehole, and force him into MY arms! Yes!

His eyes return to normal.

Mark: Whoops. Need another dose.

He licks the mannequin again. His pupils dilate.

Mark: Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch better! And now I need a name. He mustn't be like that other incredibly popular archaeological companion, Benny Summerfield. I know, I'll call him BEN Summerfield! No, Summerfield sounds so chavish. I need a name totally divorced from lowe class scum. I know. Chatham! BEN CHATHAM!

He lets out a peal of evil laughter. There is thunder and lightning.

Mark: Ben Chatham! I'll mention him forever and ever, a repeating meme that will burrow into the brains of those OG sheep! He WILL be canon, THIS side of madness or ANOTHER! ADAM RICKITT WILL BE YOUR GOD AND YOU WILL WORSHIP... Oh dear. I've come.

With a sigh, Mark picks up one of the few full bottles of absinthe and drinks it dry.

Mark: RIGHT! Time to change Doctor Who forever!

Mark sits at the computer, cracks his fingers like a pianist and then starts typing in a manner that makes the Thunderbirds look like first class data entry officers.

Mark: "OK - I've no doubt that if I posted a thread about how I think the Christmas special will be lightweight etc people would shout 'but you haven't seen it yet' etc." Cunning bastards. "Theres a grain of truth there so I'm not going to" Hah! In your face, No Touch Pod! "- rather I'm going to 'put up'" God I'm brilliant at this jargon "my own idea of what 'The Christmas Invasion' should be like & then people can judge for themselves whether RTD's vision & mine have anything in common." They'll all love me. No one will ever say I'm not as good as that fat, spectacled git...

Mark blinks and glances at his fat, spectactled reflection.

Mark: Ah. Just coincidence. Right. What will the title be? I know, I'll just use the "The Christmas Invasion". Right. OK. Need something revolutionary. Something totally new and different. I know, I'll rip off The Daemons. None of those morons on OG will notice.

Mark starts typing furiously.

Mark: "The newly regenerated Doctor lands the TARDIS in the village of, er, Little Balcombe on Christmas Eve 2005." That's the right year isn't it? Oh, well, who cares. "Rose & the Doctor emerge to a snow covered country scene - like on a Christmas card - a robin pecking at the old farm gate and the snow-capped church steeple in the distance."

Mark sighs.

Mark: Aw. Pretty. Anyway, moving on, "They run off through the snow like a pair of kids - but something is wrong." Yeah, Adam Rickitt isn't in it, that's what. No, no, Sparacus. Got to be upper class and sophisticated about this. Right, um, "In the snow they see strange footprints - big huge things live cloven hooves. The Doctor mumbles something about the Devil walking the earth & Rose looks scared." Hah! Whiny little chav whore! You wouldn't seen Adam Rickitt scared! And this new Doctor is a weak bastard too. Nothing like his Holiness J Pertwee. He definitely needs a new companion. Like Adam Rickitt! GOD, I'M SO BRILLIANT IT STINGS WHEN I URINATE!

There is a knock at the front door. Mark ignores it.

Mark: "Later in the village, the Doctor & Rose are chatting to Mrs Smythesby-Jones (played by Patricia Routledge) in the village shop." Niiiiiice. Better pad out the story now. Don't want the Doctor and Rose to look inteligent, so I'll get Hyacinth fucking Bucket to explain the plot to them. Hah! This subtext will totally be missed by OG! "Strange figures have been seen at night tramping through the snow and the villagers are also worried by rumours that the fields aroung the village are about to be compulsorally purchased by the government for housing development." God, how very "now" and "relevant" this is! It's so in touch with modern society! Fuck, I wish I knew what any of that meant!

He sculls another bottle of absinthe. More knocking.

Mark: "The leader of the villagers' protest group against this - Reg Prentice - was found murdered with a pitchfork through him near the church door last weekand cabbalistic drawings carved in blood on the church door." Hah! Yeah, that's clever. All that implied gore. Fuck me, I'm better than Rob Shearman, I really am. "The Doctor & Rose are worried." Bunch of chav losers. Right. Now I need to murder someone else to prove how useless they are. I know! "Later that night the vicar is getting the church ready for the Christmas Eve mass when he hears footsteps behind him. He screams as a hairy hand clasps his throat and tears it out!!!!!!" Yeah. I bet anyone reading this just shat themselves. It's the exclaimation marks that do it.

More, angry knocking.

Mark: FUCK OFF, YOU CHAVS, I'M WORKING! Right. Where was I? Oh, I was here! I haven't moved. Now, the best bit, to spread the wisdom of the wicket. I mean, wisdom of the Rickett! YOU WILL WORSHIP HIM!

Mark starts typing again.

Mark: "Rose hears the scream and runs to the scene & finds the mutilated corpse. Also on the scene is young Ben Chatham (played by Adam Rickitt) a young archaeologist fresh from university and here to investigate the archaeological history of the village. He tears off his shirt and covers the corpse with it - his smoothe, muscular chest shining in the candlelight, luscious & luminous."

Mark sighs.

Mark: Oh, no, another perfectly good set of underpants RUINED!

More knocking.

Mark: FUCK OFF, CHAVS! Right. Oh well, better go straight to the ending. "The Doctor believes he knows the answer. The development plan is a ruse to secure the village for the 'Radon Development Company' a cover for an alien race called the Lucifarians who physically resemble the medieval image of the Devil." Hah! That'll get those other posters good! I bet all those losers in mythmakers will hang themselves when they realize how fucking fantastic my writing is! "Under the church lies the spaceship of their ancient leader who crashed here hundreds of years ago. Rose, the Doctor & Ben confront the aliens in the church and defeat them by destroying the spaceship by setting off a self-destruct device in it via sophisticated communications technology in the TARDIS>" Hah! No stupid RTD dues ex whatevers to save the day here! A proper, quintessentially English solution! Press buttons until the problem goes away! Once the world reads this, they will BEG me to write for the series! And if they don't... I could do it anyway! YEAH! BEN CHATHAM SPIN OFF ADVENTURES!

A pause.

Mark: I'm definitely going to have to get some new Y-fronts. Right, just got to finish it off. "Christmas Eve is saved and Ben joins the TARDIS crew for the next adventures." Right. Just got to click publish and...

The front door is kicked in.

Mark: FOR FUCK'S SAKE! What is it?

Standing there is a middle aged, stoned-looking man in ragged clothing. Beside him is a peroxide blonde woman with leather trenchcoat.

Mark: FUCK OFF, YOU CHAV SCUM!

He slams the door in their faces.

Mark: Wait! Real people to talk at!

He opens the door.

Mark: Do you like Adam Rickitt?

A long pause.

Man: Hello. I am Adric.

Woman: And I am Romana.

Mark: No you're not, you chavs! Stop trying to be better than your nose-bleedlingly-low stations!

Romana: We like Adam Rickitt.

Mark: You do?

Romana: We worship him. His blank, intellgence-free stare and washboard abs give us meaning.

Mark: Really?

Adric: Oh yes.

Romana: He is all there is to the life as we know it.

Adric: I don't take my medication.

Romana: Shut up, Adric. Now, Mr. Goucher. We know of Ben Chatham.

Mark: You do?

Adric: My mother had an adulterous affair with Jon Pertwee.

Romana: Shut up, Adric. We have come here at the request of the All Seeing And All Knowing One, He Who Comes After.

Mark: Does this person like Adam Rickitt?

Adric: Serial C is called Edge of Destruction.

Romana: Adric - beat the shit out of him.

Mark: Me? Why me---

Adric punches Mark in the face, picks him up by the neck and bashes his head repeatedly against the wall.

Romana: "They" say a utopia built on the sacrifice of a single human soul is not worth its existence. But then, "they" say all sorts of shit, so who cares?

Mark: ARGH!

Adric: Tom Baker is overrated. His story codes are painfully out of synch.

Mark: ARRRRGH!

Romana crosses to the computer and glances at it.

Romana: "My version of The Christmas Invasion" by sparacus. We got here just in time.

She clicks the mouse.

Mark: No, I'll never be able to remember that outline - ARGH!

Adric starts kicking him.

Adric: The Menoptera are sadly undervalued by modern-day SF.

Romana: So, your little story about Ben Chatham can never occur. This is what He Who Comes After wishes. Now, I shall change your password to a string of totally meanless gibberish, so you can never log onto Outpost Gallifrey again.

Adric: The Second Doctor Who discovered he had an allergy about chocolate in Season 6b.

Adric picks up the TV and smashes it down on Mark's head.

Romana: Now, this MAY sound harsh, but trust us. This is for the best. If you had clicked publish, your life... such as it can be called a life... would have ended. You'd have become an even bigger joke than you are already. Whole websites would be set up simply to take the piss out of you. Out of the very, very very few OGers who pay you even the slightest attention, not one of them would agree with you.

Mark covers his ears.

Mark: No! It's not true!

Romana: And as episode after episode goes by and there is no Ben Chatham or Adam Rickitt, you'll become proportionally more irrational and desperate, and the jeers will correspondingly get worse. You'd be on a slippery slope, having to start your own blog to get a word in edgeways through the sheer tidal wave of contempt and parody the world will throw at you!

Mark: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Romana: And, in the end, Adam Rickitt will give up TV acting altogether to try and fail to become an MP.

Mark: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Romana: Finally, you'll give up on Ben Chatham altogether and start dribbling that Lee Williams is the 11th Doctor because of half-arsed rumors about an actor that turns you on. You see how pathetic you'll become?

Mark: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Romana: Because you finally accept Adam Rickitt isn't gay.

Mark presses his hands against his head with such force his skull explodes with gore. Mark's headless body staggers drunkenly about the place before falling against the Rickitt mannequin and lying very, very still. The mannequin falls on top of him.

Adric: You see, Romana. There are people in this world even more pathetic than I am?

Romana: Hmmm. OK, Adric, time to go home and start taking your medication again.

Adric: Will it be fun being normal again?

Romana: Yeah, sure, why not? But now you have diminished responsibility about witnessing first degree suicide. Your real name is Nigel English and you're a mentally-unbalanced Doctor Who fan who lives with your weary albeit loving mother, Maggie English.

They head for the exit.

Adric: So my father really ISN'T Jon Pertwee?

Romana: Hell no, your father was Terry Walsh in a wig.

Adric: Oh. OK. You know, there might be a radio play in this, Romana...

They leave the room.

Romana: Isabella. Besides, Colin Sharpe beat you to it. Albeit with a very shithouse ending. Speaking of which.

Romana lights a match and throws it over her shoulder. All the absinthe catches light and the appartment explodes in an inferno...

Cut to:

Rose and the Doctor are playing strip poker.

Rose: It was a bit harsh.

Doctor: It's what I love about you, Rose Tyler. Your infinite capacity for compassion.

Rose: He was just a really sad and lonely wanker in the end. Was it worth it, putting him through this?

Doctor: Is any of it worth it? At the end of the day, does it matter if ANY of this is resolved?! Is any of this really happening?

Rose: Who cares?

They start to fade away.

Doctor: Looks like the tangent universe is fading away for good.

Rose: Guess this is goodbye, then.

Doctor: So it is. Goodbye, Rose Tyler.

Rose: Goodbye...

They fade away entirely. Whiteness. A hand rubs away the whiteness to reveal the Tenth Doctor and Martha standing outside the TARDIS.

Martha: And so, my friends, our story is at an end.

Doctor: Yes, the TARDIS is waiting...

He pats the police box and Martha enters the TARDIS.

Doctor: ...and we must move on to another time, another place, perhaps some remote corner of the outer universe.

He steps inside the TARDIS and it begins to wheeze and groan.

Doctor: (VO) But WHEREVER it is, we shall meet again.

The TARDIS starts to fade away.

Doctor: (VO) We shall meet again...

The TARDIS vanishes. Then it suddenly reappears.

Doctor: (VO) And Ben Chatham will never be canon. Bye!

The TARDIS takes off for good. Journey of the Sorcerer plays.

(SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE CHAVS!)