Those of us who know of Ben Chatham and the Emperor formally known as Mark Goacher note that Sparacus has absolutely no interest whatsoever in keeping copies of his own work, and thus many such noble works have vanished into the ether in the Outpost Gallifrey upgrades and purges. While the infamous Alien Seed BC/TW crossover may never be recovered, equally rare is the event when, in Christmas 2005, Sparacus eagerly awaited the public dismissing RTD's episode The Christmas Invasion in favor of his own.
The reaction was predictable.
After his own Christmas Invasion was uploaded by someone else (since Spara has no copies of his own work), the other OGers pointed out that a brief synopsis was hardly going to beat a 60-minute full-cast TV drama, leading to Sparacus to announce:
"Ok then - here is an excerpt of some dialogue between Ben & Rose - just toshow that I can do gripping & emotional."
Rose: Its its... horrible. The earth could be wiped out in an instant.
Ben: Hey its ok *puts hand on Rose's shoulder & pulls her to him* I'll takecare of you.
Rose: Hold me Ben ... I can't get through this without you
Rose pushes herself against Ben's smooth chest - guiding his hand around her
Ben: I'll always be here for you Rose
Rose: mmmm yes... caress me.....
followed by the equally breathless
"OK then - here is another example of the kind of dialogue I would write forRose. In this scene from my 2006 Christmas story the TARDIS crew areconfronted by a mysterious black shadow moving towards them across a snowcovered field as they hide in a spinney"
Rose: Oh my God - its getting closer... It knows we're here
The Doctor: Keep down
Rose: Its cold.... I don't want to die here..
Ben: *holding Rose to him* Its OK - I'm here . Nothing can happen to you while I'm here Rose.
Rose: You always know just what to say *strokes Ben's blonde hair*
Ben: When this is over I promise to take you to Paris - I have friends who live on the left bank.
Rose: I've always wanted to make love by the Seine
an excerpt that never actually turned up in his unfinished magnum opus The Shadows of Christmas.
(all typos in the original text)
These... awful... TRULY awful... bits of dialogue inspired me to turn them into comic strips, as I later did with The Zranti Beast. But, I couldn't find them on OG. At all. I even PMed Sparacus himself, and he couldn't help either. In fact, he couldn't even REMEMBER writing them and politely explained he had no idea what I was referring to.
But now, chief archivist, researcher, bon vivot and all round happening dude Cameron J Mason has uncovered these lost sequences, perhaps the only true statement of Ben Chatham's love for Rose Tyler, and in turn her reaction to him. Was she really using him for climbing the social ladder? Was he hiding his true sexuality? Was it all even worth looking for in the first place?
Well, don't look at me, sunshine. It should be turning up on the Doctor Who Forum for others to judge, and in turn on the Sparachivemawhatever Archive, tended carefully by a certain hashish junkie...
and soon... in cartoon form by yours truly!!!
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37 comments:
Wow!
This is like when a lost episode of the Classic DW Series is found...
... only not shit & pointless.
But now, chief archivist, researcher, bon vivot and all round happening dude Cameron J Mason has uncovered these lost sequences
I found references to both segments in a series of emails written in early 2006.
I tracked back through, and to my delight and horror, found both segments preserved intact.
Sadly, a similar attempt to locate Alien Seed found only references to how bad a story it was.
So it's sad to say that there is only one missing piece of the Spara canon (as opposed to all of it missing)...
Cameron
This is like when a lost episode of the Classic DW Series is found... only shit & pointless.
Fixed that for you, LH.
So... you want these on the Spararchive, that's what you're driving at here?
Well, Cam would like it.
At the moment, I'm too sick to REALLY care... came down with it after reading Crystal, oddly enough...
So... you want these on the Spararchive, that's what you're driving at here?
Given that they are rare examples of Sparacus writing actual dialogue in his early period, then they do deserve to be admitted into the Spararchive.
Cameron
"Fixed that for you, LH."
D'oh! When I wrote that comment, I didn't realise it would come across like an actual compliment to BC.
I must apologise & promise that next time I'll get it right.
It's OK, LH.
Meanwhile, I'm still reeling that the DWAD reaction and self-aggrandisement.
I feel well disposed to Spara now.
Given that they are rare examples of Sparacus writing actual dialogue in his early period, then they do deserve to be admitted into the Spararchive.
Very well, Mason. Now you have but two wishes remaining
Click on these words to see stuff
Very well, Mason. Now you have but two wishes remaining
Two wishes eh?
I'd better use them wisely...
Cameron
Ooh, suddenly deleted posts. Was there a DWAD invasion I missed?
No, surprisingly not.
I just logged in and the page won't appear. I've clicked publish, save, tried publishing again, the thing won't put the page back up.
I think blogger might be playing up. Oh well. In the meantime, I finally finished "100" and put it up on the site.
By a jolly coincidence I also updated my blog for the first time in about a week.
Let's read & review, eh?
SAH!
Too many moments of hilarity...
I was there right at the beginning! Without me, no Oddly Visuals! No Oddly Visuals, no Big Finish! No Big Finish, a hell of a lot of New RTD-Enhanced Who gone! And what do you do when you encounter a self-sacrificing fanboy to me, huh? You push me to one side, look at me and say 'Do the voices, you gimp!'"
"Sometimes, it’s just 'prat'," the Tenth Doctor insists.
Fecking brilliant.
Wait, hang on... this bit's way funnier:
The Sixth Doctor and Evelyn make their way back to the TARDIS and take off for their next destination, while the Tenth returns to Cardiff to film an incredibly pornographic snuff movie with Kylie Minogue, a midget, and a bunch of bondage freaks in golden body paint entitled "The Michaelmas Cruise".
Congratulations on, from what I'e heard, putting more effort into your pisstake of the anniversary story than BF themselves seemingly have. It really has to be one of your best pisstakes, especially with the cameos from all of the spin-offs and the obligatory piss-taking.
So many brilliant jokes wound through it - I especially like You think at least ONE of them might have been written by me to massive critical acclaim! and the inevitable Verkoff cameo.
One question: where did the whole 'Jings!' thing come from?
Too many moments of hilarity...
Hopefully there are 100 funny jokes. Or maybe 100 jokes.
Fecking brilliant.
Thenk yew. Saving up some of those lines for a special occasion.
Congratulations on, from what I'e heard, putting more effort into your pisstake of the anniversary story than BF themselves seemingly have.
Oh, 100 Days of the Doctor really is rubbish. Imagine... Sparacus trying to do Scherzo.
It really has to be one of your best pisstakes, especially with the cameos from all of the spin-offs and the obligatory piss-taking.
Well, those cameos were all in the original... bar Nigel.
So many brilliant jokes wound through it - I especially like You think at least ONE of them might have been written by me to massive critical acclaim! and the inevitable Verkoff cameo.
Yeah. Nige's only going to appear in a couple more: The Cyb-Fest, to complete the trilogy, and Charley's departure story (since it features an amorous Australian who tries to cop off with her).
I don't want him to go stale like Ben Chatham has...
One question: where did the whole 'Jings!' thing come from?
David Tennant himself. He uses it as a mild expletive (like "Jings, has it been a year already?") and all the fans at the time were waiting for a new catchphrase to replace "Fantastic!" and they assumed it would be "Jings!".
Mind you, they also assumed the Tenth Doctor would be Scottish. Since I wrote the spoofs at the time, hence the Tenth Doctor being Scottish and saying "Jings!" a lot.
Works better than "That's IMPOSSIBLE!" or "What? What? WHAT?!" or "I'm sorry I'm so sorry,", IMHO.
Wait, hang on... hadn't totally finished it...
Who got to appear with David for Children in Need?
Yes, I did indeed
Appear with that weed!
Dear Lord! Does that mean Time Crush is part of the Daniels-verse canon?!
Hopefully there are 100 funny jokes. Or maybe 100 jokes.
Bare minimum.
Oh, 100 Days of the Doctor really is rubbish. Imagine... Sparacus trying to do Scherzo.
...hmmm...
THE DOCTOR: We seem to be in a void. I can't see anything.
CHARLEY: Oh, trust you to bring us here! You're really hopeless! You'd better find me a couch and a glass of water because I am TIRED after all this travelling.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, shut the fuck up.
CHARLEY: Well, I never! You want to be vulgar with me, Doctor?
(Fistfighting)
Well, those cameos were all in the original...
Oh. I thought you said that there weren't any appearances by the other Doctors in the release..
Yeah. Nige's only going to appear in a couple more: The Cyb-Fest, to complete the trilogy, and Charley's departure story (since it features an amorous Australian who tries to cop off with her).
*Mentally makes sure he hasn't got Nigel penned in for any of the BBC7s..*
Phew.
I don't want him to go stale like Ben Chatham has...
Well, that wasn't your fault..
David Tennant himself. He uses it as a mild expletive (like "Jings, has it been a year already?") and all the fans at the time were waiting for a new catchphrase to replace "Fantastic!" and they assumed it would be "Jings!".
Huh. Learn something new every day...
Dear Lord! Does that mean Time Crush is part of the Daniels-verse canon?!
Dear me, I thought we discussed that at the convention. But yes. Yes it is. I might never do the rest of the Tennant era, but that is more than worthy.
...hmmm...
THE DOCTOR: We seem to be in a void. I can't see anything.
CHARLEY: Oh, trust you to bring us here! You're really hopeless! You'd better find me a couch and a glass of water because I am TIRED after all this travelling.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, shut the fuck up.
CHARLEY: Well, I never! You want to be vulgar with me, Doctor?
(Fistfighting)
...sort of.
THE DOCTOR: Look over there! There's my future self and two teenagers! Aren't they more interesting since Hex turned up?
EVELYN: Indeed. I think we should all buy their adventures and enjoy them.
THE DOCTOR: Shut up, you stupid woman, you're not helping! Gah! My ankle! Let us visit another BF range and describe what happens there so the fans will want to buy.
Oh. I thought you said that there weren't any appearances by the other Doctors in the release..
As above. The Doctor and Evelyn talk about them, having seen them from a distance. Off screen.
*Mentally makes sure he hasn't got Nigel penned in for any of the BBC7s..*
Phew.
Unless you think he's needed.
Well, that wasn't your fault..
I tried...
Huh. Learn something new every day...
Good to know.
As above. The Doctor and Evelyn talk about them, having seen them from a distance. Off screen.
...THAT is what passes for an anniversary story these days?
No fist, Big Finish. No fist.
I tried...
I thought about trying my hand at writing Bristol, but:
a) It got quite 'arc' at the end of Emmerdale
and
b) It seems oddly poignant for Chatham Odyssey to end with the [apparent] death of Abby and the promise of another story... just like a cancelled TV show...
...THAT is what passes for an anniversary story these days?
No fist, Big Finish. No fist.
Hence the disappointment felt by all. Not doing a multi-Doc story was fair enough, but this was just rubbish.
I thought about trying my hand at writing Bristol, but:
a) It got quite 'arc' at the end of Emmerdale
and
b) It seems oddly poignant for Chatham Odyssey to end with the [apparent] death of Abby and the promise of another story... just like a cancelled TV show...
Mmm. Suppose it was.
I did try and kick up some ideas, to no avail. It just became serious again. The idea was the Doctor would ditch "Ben" at the clinic, and either "Ben" would possess his sister or brother or whatever, or maybe they would carry on the family tradition.
No idea what to do about the wild animals and Planet of Spider stuff. And now he's bringing Anselm back! I swear, he's destroying my muse before I can find it!
I know I've already posted the URL at Spara's blog, but given Mr. G's tendancy to delete things that reveal or link to his real name, I get the feeling he'll delete my comment before too long.
So, again, if you need it, the web address for Mark Goacher's place of work:
http://www.colchsfc.ac.uk/
I think it only right of all of us as decent citizens that we e-mail links of some of the dodgier Sparaterial to his superiors at the college, don't you think?...
... As predicted, he deleted the message from his blog.
But not to worry, we all read & enjoy Youth's efforts anyway!
Just a reminder:
http://www.colchsfc.ac.uk/
It's our civic duty.
Has anybody else been invited to see Sparacus's blog?
Or is he scared his work colleagues may see the crap he produces!
That's the idea. Mind you, I can't seem to access his blog any more. I think Spara's a tad worried.
Poor dear.
Yep, he's activated a kind of emergency blog lockdown us bloggers can use. Only invited individuals may be allowed to read it. So. No one bar Spara can.
I have to say, I'm surprised.
Normally, he just deletes the whole blog and pretends nothing happened. Like the last five times.
What an utter coward.
Cameron
Oh, man... if I lived near Colchester, and it was raining, I would just drive to Sixth Form and reenact School Ties by standing into the sporting film yelling "COWARDS!"
Totally worth it.
I think somebody sent his place of work the link...
*WHISTLES INNOCENTLY...*
I can honestly say it wasn't me.
I know what it's like to get fired for a blog.
Karma's a bitch.
I know this tends to break a few rules, but here is what MLock has said on the forum. There is just no way of summing it up:
Or perhaps YoA has gone way too far. YoA likes to dish it out to the point of trying to get someone sacked over a blog but himself can't take the slightest bit of criticism or *gasp* handle Sparacus having a following whilst YoA is by and large ignored apart from a couple of mates.
Now could someone remind who it was who first provided the link to Spara's place of work...
Cameron
Well, Cam, maybe you could tell MLock that if he thinks I'm capable of that, then surely he's worried what I will do to HIM for slagging me off behind my back - after all, Sparacus was far kinder to me than MLock's bullying ever was. If I've got a grudge against anyone, it's him.
And I didn't blow the whistle for the simple reason I can't - my computer wouldn't load the Colchester page to click on the link.
Well, Cam, maybe you could tell MLock that if he thinks I'm capable of that, then surely he's worried what I will do to HIM for slagging me off behind my back - after all, Sparacus was far kinder to me than MLock's bullying ever was. If I've got a grudge against anyone, it's him.
I'll pass on your message.
Cameron
MLock talking about others bullying him is a typical pot-calling-kettle-black scenario, if what I've heard about him is true.
Ignore him. That's what everyone at the DWF does.
Last time I tried that he got me and Miles Ried banned... he's a vindictive little so and so.
Youth, didn't you say he once got banned for telling you (or someone) to "fuck off"?
If so, it's weird how lately he's been this perma-chirpy happy-go-lucky Sparafanatic. Although his recent comments directed at you seem to suggest that it's just a front, & the REAL MLock is about to reveal himself once again...
Uh... no. I don't recall him swearing at anyone. But he does enjoy letting loose about me though.
Oh right. I know some one at the DWF told me or let it be known that MLock dropped the F-Bomb once & was given a temporary booting.
Before my OG time, obviously.
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