39 - The Lindig Valley Mystery

THE SHINDIG VALLEY MISERY

Ben sits alone in the burned out ruins of a share house, sucking a piece of paper with "absinthe" written on it while tunelessly humming Nico's "The Marble Index" in the vain hope it will act as a mating call for cultured, educated young men who normally turn down Ben's offers of sex.

Finally, she starts to doze off when a stabbing pain runs through her stomach - and is surprised to discover that she hasn't just been kicked in the ribs by some angry person, which is what usually causes this sort of pain.

Startled, she calls out for Katie Ryan to come to her aid, but nothing happens.

Eventually, Ben remembers that Katie left three days ago to live forever in Wales with a small team of militant homophobes to explore, excavate and probably exorcise old monastery as part of the new "Tough on Satanic Worship, Tough on the Causes of Satanic Worship" policy introduced by PM Harriet Hellfire Jones.

Ben feels the pain subside, but still wants to be totally pampered and so texts Katie anyway and the following conversation occurs:

Ben: KATEI KATEI.!1111!111!111!!!1! OMG WTF LOL U TH3RE?!?!?! I CANT 3XPLANE NOW BUT U MUST COM3.!1!1!!!1111!!!111 OMG PLZ!!!!1 LOL

Katie: BEN IM FRUSTRAETD AT BNG DISTURBD!!!!!11! WTF LOL O WUT SI IT?!!!?!??! OMG LOK BEN IMM NOT IN TEH MOD OK??!??!! OMG

Ben: KATEI I KNOW UR BUSY IN SHINDIG VALEY BUT SOM3THNG STRANGE SI GONG ON H3RE AND I NED SOM3ON3 2 LOK AFTER ME RUFLA MAH HARE AND GEN3RALY B MAH SLAEV!11!1!!1! OMG

Katie: IL TAEK A RANECHEK!!11!!1 OMG WTF LOL

Ben: I .!111!!111111!! OMG AHHHHHHHHH........!!!111!!!1!!

Katie: WUT SI IT NOW??!??!?! WTF LOL

Ben: THEYRE SI AN UNFMILIAR TIGHTNES IN MAH S2MACH INTENSIFYNG TIL I FEL LIEK I MIGHT BURST!!!!111 OMG WTF LOL

Katie: O HAEV A FOX GLACEIR MINT AND G3T OVER IT!111! OMG WTF

Ben: NO!!!11! OMG WTF LOL WATE!1!1! OMG WTF TEH PRESUR3S DISIPAETD!1!1!! LOL TAHTS GOD ISNT IT KATEI??!!???? OMG KATEI?!?!??!? OMG HALO?!!?????

Ben is intrigued at the lack of communication... until she realized that Katie has now blocked Ben's mobile.

Before she can start a sobbing rant about how life is so unfair to her, Chiana strides into the ruined lab to check that no remains of Don Quixote have survived to wage war against the whole of life kind.

"Do you fancy giving me a free lunch in the Mermaid Bar?" Ben asks hopefully.

"Nope," Chiana shrugs cheerfully, still sifting through the rubble.

"You sure? You could steal a rare vintage car and speed off into the night, with the wind blowing through our night, maybe visit the fresh Welsh countryside and teach a certain female archaeologist to treat her betters with some respect..."

"Uh, I said 'no'," Chiana clarifies.

"Have pity on me!"

"Why?"

"I have a stomach ache."

"Maybe if you didn't live on alcohol and breath mints, you might digest better," Chiana points out as she turns to leave.

Ben idly rubs her stomach, realizing it is, in fact, slowly started to swell outwards. She screams and desperately begs Chiana to help, but the bored Nebari points out that she has niether the xenobiological skills nor indeed the inclination to do so. Why the hell should she care?

Ben concludes that something strange is happening to her regenerated body and she needs to find the right kind of Doctor to fix it - specially a forty-five-year-old cult favorite Doctor who looks like David Tennant in a brown coat.

Chiana suggests that Ben just ring (or, knowing Ben, just text) the Doctor is question, but Ben awkwardly explains that the Doctor had a hissy fit after Ben decided to abandon the Time Lord forever to see a David Bowie concert and vowed never to see him/her ever, ever again.

"Oh," says Chiana, digesting this news with admirable coolness. "Guess you're frelled then, huh? I mean, there's no way to get in contact with him anyway, right?"


The next morning, Abby Simpson eagerly heads towards a street corner for her rendezvous with the Doctor and Donna as they return to pick her up after her week with her family. However, after five minutes, the TARDIS still does not materialize and Abby uses her phone to contact the Doctor. He explains he hasn't forgotten, but for some reason the TARDIS refuses to materialize.

"Well, head for Cardiff Millennium Centre," Abby suggests. "You need a refeuling anyway."

"You just want to see Jack again," the Doctor deduces with his usual cunning.

"Like you don't," Abby laugs. "See you there."

She hangs up as two strange figures run around the corner - one appears to be a grey-skinned alien woman in a tight furry gymslip, and the other Britney Spears in a wheel-barrow with a pot belly.

"Either Ben Chatham has returned to mess up my life or else... actually, I don't want to even THINK about what else it could be. OK, Benita, what trouble have you got into this time?"

Ben bursts into a long, drawn out whine encompassing all the boring, objectionable and downright dull events she's had to put up with - incompetent alien sorcerers, Visstaker teenage zombies, insane firebeasts, the cult of Don Quixote...

Abby notices that the newly-formed bulge in Ben's middle is inflating as she watches and finally Ben mentions the whole "need to see the Doctor because something terrible is happening to her body".

Abby, feeling even more than the usual amount of pity for Ben Chatham, agrees to take her to Wales - either the Doctor can help her, or maybe Captain Jack and Touchwood... assuming they haven't accidentally released an alien dildo of mass destruction after Tosh and Ianto were having hot sex in the Hub when they should have been doing some proper work.

Chiana grins and admits the idea of such sex-obsessed losers appeals to her Nebari "shag it if it moves and even if it doesn't mentality", but Abby points out that the Touchwood Three gang have got their act together and become professional.

She then breaks up in giggles because she can't keep a straight face.

"Who am I kidding? They have threesomes the way we say 'hello'!"


Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor and Donna realize to their horror that the only reason the time machine would refuse to collect Abby was if Ben Chatham was in the area. The Doctor programs the TARDIS to land at Ashley manor, where Abby's parents and brothers are slightly taken aback. The Doctor dives back into the TARDIS and takes off, returning moments later.

"Right, I just mucked about with the causal nexus so one of the family should be programmed to become psychotically violent and filled with bloodlust whenever they encounter Ben Chatham. Did it work?"

Karl nods. "Ja, Daffid has ulvays strark me as evah-sah-slightly veerd."

David rolls his eyes. "Yeah, it worked."

"Right!" the Doctor shouts. "Allonzee! Time to rescue those we love from those we hate so much we can't even be bothered to remember them!"

"What?" asks Donna. "Like Ben Chatham?"

"Who?" asks the Doctor, baffled. "Oh, HER! Is SHE who we're dealing with? I thought it was the Meddling Monk again. Right, let's DO IT!!!!"


At the outskirts of Wales, Chiana and Abby are blocking out Ben's ranting that SHE is their number one priority and stopping off at a Little Chef when the food is below Oxford quality and there were actually CHILDREN present by cranking up the car stereo with Nine Below Zero's "Eleven Plus Eleven".

"How dare you?!" Ben can be heard screaming. "That horrible music is blasting out into the countryside, annoying the rustic locals as they carry spades! If only it was Tin Machine!"

"SHUT UP!" Chiana roars at Ben.

Finally, they pass through Shindig Valley, specifically the village of Lanfrigid. Ben demands they pull over near a teenage boy playing with a yoyo. "Let me do the talking!" Ben demands, and then speaks very loudly and slowly.

"HELLO... BOYO! AN WHO MIGHT YOU BE... BOYO? I BE BEN THE CHATHAM... THAT BE CHIANA AND THAT BE ABBY. BE. BOYO. DO YOU... NOT MUCH LIKE... STRANGERS AROUND THESE VALLEYS, BOYO? ARE THERE EVIL MONKS WITH LASER BEAMS IN THEIR EYES, BOYO? WILL THEY KILL YOU FOR TALKING TO US, BOYO?"

"Uh, has she had a stroke or something?" the boy asks Abby.

"I wish."

Just then the boy's face contorts with a look of pure terror and he turns and runs off - after seeing Ben's stomach swell outwards to the size of a beachball? Or just because he realizes Ben looks just like Britney Spears? Maybe he has a dental appointment? We may never know.

"OK, this is just freaking me out," Chiana decides.

She and Abby throw Ben out of the car and race away.

"You bitches!" Ben shouts as she struggles to stand up. "There's a bottle of brandy in that glove compartment, and if you so much as swig from it, you'll rue the day you ever came to witness the glory of Ben Chatham!"

She then falls over, which kills the mood somewhat.


Ben finally manages to waddle into the village, but all the shops are closed and no one is around. Ben doesn't know the way to the dig site and so decides to sit on a bench and start shouting for Katie in the wild hope that she might run back and fall in love with her 7-months pregnant transsexual adulterer lust object.

After three hours, Ben dozes off.

Instantly, a group of hooded monklike figures break cover and, groaning with exertion, pick up the bench and carry it into the church. Incense burns, and a strange figure in a leather jacket snaps down a button on a CD player.

Ben is jolted awake as the Stranglers blare out through the church and all the monks start to jive their monky stuff in time with the Gregorian pulse beat flute funk groove, throwing their arms up in the care like they just don't give a monk-ies!

Too many monk jokes? OK...

GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!

"Where the hell am I?" Ben groans as the leather coated priest continues to dance with the monks and ignore her.

GOD IS GOOD AND HE WILL ALWAYS PROVIDE!
THERE'S NO PLACE FOR THE INVADER TO HIDE!

"Who are you?" Ben demands, but no one is listening.

GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!

THIS WAS MY LAND, NOW IT'S YOURS!
WHEN WE'RE GONE, IT WILL ALWAYS BE GOD'S!

"Where the hell am I?" Ben shouts.

GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!

"Pay attention to me, you chav scum heathens!!" Ben roars, and immediately one of the monks draws a savage blade and places it near her neck.

SLIT THE THROAT OF THE INDIFIDEL!
KILL THE CHILDREN SO THEY NEVER WILL TELL!

Ben is sore relieved when the monk takes the knife and continues dancing.

GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-D IS GOOD!!!

The golden-masked figure in the leather jacket starts juggling knives.

GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!

The music fades out and the priest removes his mask to reveal a sharp, angular face, short cropped hair and piercing blue eyes - rather annoying Ben, who was expected a green, slimy face with bulging eyes and a guppy mouth.

"And welcome one and welcome all to the Shindig Valley Cult of Personality!" he exclaims cheerfully in a Northern accent. "I'm Stephen Baxter, but you can call me the Son of God - or 'Doctor', if it's urgent! This is going to be the most FANTASTICALLY disorganized religion ever! So let's GO LOOONNNEEEEEEY!!!"

Ben groans and faints again.


At the Torchwood Hub, yet ANOTHER whipped cream orgy is underway when there is a knock at the big circular DS9 door. Captain Jack swears and leaps up from behind a sofa, tugging off Toshiko's stockings and throwing a tube of KY jelly to Ianto. He opens the door to reveal the Doctor and the Simpson family.

"Hey, handsome!" Jack says breathlessly.

"Jack, this is serious. Is Abby here?"

"I so wish she was..."

"STOP IT, JACK!"

"What? She isn't here, is there a problem?"

"Yes. Two words: Ben bloody Chatham."

"Who?" asks Jack, frowning.

Martha sticks her head from over a corner. "Hey, Doctor! How you going?"

"Pretty badly," the Doctor admits, giving her a wave. "Look we need to find her seriously urgently. She's in the care of an unspeakable form of anti life that looks just like Britney Spears!"

Owen appears next to Martha, dressing in S&M gear. "Oh, HER! Right! Well, are we going to sit around here sobbing into our contraceptives or do something?"

Gwen appears next to Owen. "We have a choice?"

Owen thinks about it. "Ah, fuck em," he says, and returns to the orgy.

"Look," says Jack awkwardly, "We'll look into it. Promise. One last question."

"What?" the Doctor asks.

"Who are all those people?" asks Jack, pointing to the Simpson clan standing behind the Doctor, staring at the naked 51st century time agent with wide eyes.

"Oh, them, they're Abby's family. Kind of worried about her," the Doctor points out with heavy emphasis.

Jack grins his bastardsmileTM. "More the merrier!"

"No! NO! Stop it!" the Doctor says, closing the door. "Honestly, I don't know why I even bothered showing up here, I really don't."

"You know you love it," Jack drawls. "Don't try and hide it!"

The Doctor rolls his eyes and turns to the Simpson family. "Ironic, isn't it? The one place we know Abby ISN'T is the one place she'd most like to be. Come on, you lot, allonzee," he says, heading off.

The family continue to stare at the door and listen the orgy beyond.

The Doctor sticks his head round the corner. "OI! ALL-LON-ZEEEEE!"

The dazed relatives nod distantly and follow him.


Ben is awoken by a strange stretching sensation to hear the priest arguing with congregation animatedly: "No, no, you're not listening, are you? I wanted a blonde pop singer with a hint of artron energy, cause she's the chosen one! And I wanted a big fat bloke from the South, cause he's the antichrist! You've just got me a big fat blonde pop singer with a hint of artron energy! It's not the same, is it?"

Ben wails unhappily. "Oh, God, no! Has Zeno of Zenathon returned to claim the Earth?"

The priest looks at her. "The who of the what?"

"You're an alien, aren't you?" Ben accuses angrilly.

"Yeah. So... now what? You want me to explain my entire plan, the history of my people, the origin on my leather jacket to some random captive?"

"Duh!" Ben says, rolling her eyes.

"Tough."

Ben scowls. "I bet you came here on a scouting mission, found a hidden monastery and hoodwinked these people into thinking you're the son of the God!"

"A bit," the priest admits.

"You want to take over the world with their psychic power, don't you?!"

"Me?" the priest laughs. "Take over the world? Why would I want to do that? It's huge, polluted, unworkable, covered with stupid apes and as a bit of real estate, it's knackered, cause there's no one else to sell it to. Least, no one who'd pay cash for it, anyroads."

"Is your scout ship in Cardiff? Is it mowing down shoppers with laser blasts, turning chav girls into burning heaps of flaming dusts."

The priest stares at her. "No." He turns to his follows. "Chuck her into a cell, would you, someone? She's just freaking me out - and she's some stomach tumor or something. It's really gross."

Ben realizes with her usual fast thinking, realizes that her distended gut now protects two feet in all directions, and faints, being massively incontinent.

"Oh, fantastic! That'll NEVER wash out! Get her out of here, people! That stench..."


Meanwhile, Abby and Chiana are driving into Cardiff city when the mobile rings. Abby answers and gets the frantic Doctor - having FINALLY listened to Donna and actually tried to ring her rather than simply rounding up a posse to rescue her. Frankly, the Doctor's releived to have met Abby's parents under such circumstances, as they are so worried about their daughter they haven't questioned the TARDIS, time travel, or even the fact there is a larger-on-the-inside phone box that can cross the universe.

"Your mum hasn't even slapped me yet? Brilliant, eh?"

Abby insists she's perfectly all right and they dumped the incredibly swollen and gravid Ben Chatham in Shindig Valley... and hears the distinctive sound of the Doctor fainting on the other end of the phone.

"He's passed out, the big poof," Donna explains, picking up the phone. "Look, we'll meet you outside that Welsh Millennium Dome with all that rubbish graffiti about horizon stones, right? See ya, luv."


Ben awakes in a cell guarded by Katie Ryan. Furious, Ben starts to rant and rage (as usual) that Katie is not showing nearly half as much due care and consideration that she should. Katie simply sneers, "Wow! Idea of the century! Act as a maid to a Britney lookalike squatting in a burned out lab! I'm not a trainee, Ben! I have a degree of sense! And not to mention looks!"

"Not as good as mine, though," says Ben, flicking her hair arrogantly, as ever overlooking one vital fact she is now so bloated she cannot even move, and is also stuck in a dungeon by an insane religious cult. Again.

"Anyway, you HAVE to look after me and do what I say! And I need to find the Doctor so he can cure the horrible disease afflicting me!"

"You're not diseased, Ben, you're pregnant. It's this thing that happens to women, and where babies come from..."

"WHAT?!?"

"Whoops. Did you still believe in the stork?"

"I'M PREGNANT?!?"

"Well, you look like an extra in that Robbie Williams video clip, so yeah."

"HOW?!"

Katie stares at Ben. "You need a diagram?"

"BUT I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH ANY MAN! AND FUCK KNOWS I'VE TRIED!"

Katie laughs uncomfortably and rubs her neck. "Yeah, about that... You know that sex change I performed on you back in The Incredibly Mixed-Up Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Smoothe-Chested Archaeologists?"

"That time you sewed an Italian hot dog to my nether reigons?"

"Yeah, that time."

"Oh, vaguely..."

"Well, let's just say that it ended up not so much 'botched sex change' but 'untintentional cross fertilization'. You're not following me, are you?"

"Following you? I can barely see you!"

"The father of your offspring IS that Italian hot dog."

A beat.

"That sounds a tad farfetched."

"Oh, because a 1980s Lightning Globe turning you into a debauched pop star clone, THAT is the baseline for normality?"

"But I can't be pregnant," Ben wails unhappily, despite the fact she looks she is overdue with twins. "What will happen to my sophisticated, cultural lifestyle? I can't be a single mother! My god! I'll end up like Jackie Tyler! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!? IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!" she wails.

There is a sudden splashing noise and Ben groans.

"Uh oh," says Katie. "Has your water just broken?"

"What water?" Ben snaps, reaching around to reveal a broken hip flast. "I just crushed my emergency absinthe supply! WHAT A FUCKING MISERABLE TURN OF EVENTS! Still," she sighs. "At least I have these opium cigarettes."

"Uh, Ben," says Katie, worried. "There's absinthe everywhere, whatever you do, don't light up that cig---"

Ben lights up.


Upstairs, the priest is brooding over the fact that after a few hours saving the Earth from rampaging window dummies with her, he's become obsessed with a blonde shop girl from a council estate. He needs to get out more, do something interesting, and not set up faux religions on the offchance he might bump into her again.

"Wait a minute," he says suddenly. "I never actually told her I had a time machine! Stupid post-regenerative amnesia. Better head back and ask her again..."

Suddenly there is a distant, muffled explosion and the church shakes.

"A sign from God!" the priest exclaims. "Sorry, my brethren, just me talking to myself again! Nothing to see here, so no one panic..." he says, sidling over to the police box acting as a confession booth. "Oh, and if anyone was wondering what the Eleventh Commandment is, it's this: whatever happens in Cardiff, STAYS in Cardiff!"

He dives inside the police box which dematerializes with a wheezing, groaning, pop culture reference.

The monks look around, wondering what to do now.

Just then the soot-blackened and singed Katie and Ben stumble out of the crypt.

The monks take one look at the huge-if-slightly-charred pregnant belly Ben possess and immediately start worshipping her. It rapidly becomes obvious they think that Ben is the reincarnation of the biblical Eve (who ditched Adam for his lack of a smoothe chest and shacked up with Satan before the whole 'chained in rock on an impossible planet surrounding a black hole' incident of 2006), the mother of all demonic power.

Realizing she now has an army of religious maniacs to follow her, Ben sits down on a pew and breaks it in half. She announces that she WILL lead the religion to wipe out the chavs, and their first baptism shall involve dousing a council estate with biological warfare!

"At last!" Ben shouts. "It's really happening! All chavs WILL die! NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN STOP ME NOW!!!"

Suddenly, there is the sound of helicopters as UNIT troops storm the church.

"Oh, that's just fucking typical!" Ben moans.

She and the others are arrested as the Cambridge Dept of Ecology test out a new chemical weapon - Birdseye Chunky Custard - on the off chance it might cure some Asian newts. Instead, it drowns the cultists, who then start dying. As you do when you drown.

The survivors are left at the mercy as Touchwood Three arrive, mincing slightly as they've all put on each other's underwear by accident. "Sorry we came late," Jack grins, "but it's the journey, not the destination."

"Wow, something even LESS than a single entendres," Katie Ryan marvels.


Later, Ben is trapped in one of the vaults under Cardiff, too large to do anything except fold her arms and huff angrilly. Touchwood Three have placed her under lock and key at the Doctor's request while he, Donna and Abby have travelled to Mars to find out the truth of the local Sphinx, while Abby's family have gone home.

"Well, it's been an interesting day but I've gotta go," Chiana says finally, after she finally stops giggling at the ridiculously fecund Chatham. "Up early tomorrow - or maybe just stay up really late tonight. See ya?"

"You haven't been trying to hit on her have you?" scowls Katie, who is locked in the next cell.

Ben is annoyed: she is heavily pregnant, trapped in an underground vault by a bunch of incompetent nymphomaniacs who have already gotten high on retcon and forgotten she was ever imprisoned there, and worse she's stuck next to a cell with Katie Ryan with no hope of escape.

So, Ben decides take a Fox Glacier Mint to wash her troubles away. She feels her mind floating as transluscent colours swirl through her consciousness in a kaleidoscope of ambience.

Then she starts snoring.

THE END

The Next Comic Strip: Yay or Nay?

After the ordeal I've just been through, sketching, drawing, inking, scanning and posting a new comic strip based on a retarded misogynistic synopsis of Rickitphillia is not exactly appealing to me at the moment. But the question is, even when I recover... should I be bothered to do it?

I mean, is it worth all that only to get ripped off by Spara who then dubs it non canonical (bits of it, anyway)?

I honestly don't know any more.

I put to the vocal majority to decide.

In the meantime, here is some more music from Sweets of Sin by Frank Mankyboddle in 1991, which feels suspiciously appropriate today...


I dig the music like my own little grave
The notes ring hollow in the bitter air
This tune of exile craves a page
Away from the score, away from the Master's hands...

Futurissimo (with crescendo)
My astral strikes that sign the way
The burning cluster takes the page
Away from the tune, away from the Master's hands...

Futurissimo... Futurissimo...

Amen innuendo, concertino
The fearing chorus calls on YOU
To turn the paces, soft and slow
Away from the noise, away from the Master's hands...

There's a future for you... Futurissimo...

A tenner in a wine glass plays the rebel
A drowning voice betrays defeat
The haunted legend flees the page
Away from the stage, away from the Master's hands...

Accelerando? Non comprando!
The rumor rambles in the seats
The cheated crowd is taking leave
Away from the lies, away from the Master's hands.

Futurissimo... Futurissimo... Futurissimo...

And some stuff from The Youth of Australia: Brain Power.


BEN CHATHAM: But I'm forgetting my manners. I welcome you aall to The Cosi Van Tutte Psychiatric Nuthouse, not - as you were led to believe - a simple research facility for mental health, but the most important and heavily defended outposts under my absolute control.

ANDREW: Is that what you call this? I thought it was a dull playground where looneys like you were given electro-shock aversion therapy to make them even halfway decent members of society. All you've done it turn it into a funhouse for you and some meth-amphetine-addicted nutters in robes!

BEN CHATHAM: And with this 'funhouse' as you call it, I shall create a dynasty of sophistication which will rule this oddly-shaped continent forever! A strong empire starts here, at The Cosi Van Tutte Psychiatric Nuthouse, where I shall confirm my right to rule! Sanity, morality, reality - forget them all!

DAVE: [GROANS] Oh God, he wants to take over the country... I thought you hated Australia? Why would you ever want to conquer it?

BEN CHATHAM: This squalid little plot of soil you call home actually has some redeeming features. It is uniquely placed near Asia, all the southern trading routes touch on it, a prosperous western economy, its Gross Domestic Product is higher than the UK, Germany or France, uranium desposits, Anglo Saxon dominance, diverse and highly tasty flora and fauna. An independent island, an off-shore asset with a population of 21 million easily useful as slave labor and over 80% of them can understand the Queen's English and they despise the Chav - or "Bogan" as you insist on referring to them as. In short, a weapon already forged is just waiting for the right person to take over.

Dave sniggers.

DAVE: And that would be you?

Ben Chatham turns to face them, eyes gleaming.

BEN CHATHAM: Yes, Dave Restal. I intend to take over your country. Your sportsman, artist, armies and media will place themselves at my disposal. I shall create a new Elite comprising all those Cambridge graduates with firsts, a commonwealth of unquestioning obedience, total ruthlessness, naked aggression, but above all - refined, sophisticated culture! And we shall declare war on the Chavs of this planet!

ANDREW: World War III?

BEN CHATHAM: Yes, and I've read up on the last two. There will be no mistakes, no disastrous errors of judgement. First New Zealand, then Papua New Guinea and Indonesia...

DAVE: You think America is going to take any crap like that?

BEN CHATHAM: Oh, yes, I do. While I systematically overrun the minor countries, I shall spark a war between Russia, China and America. Those three superpowers will wipe themselves out and once the giants are dead, the rest of Earth will become the world of Ben Chatham, amateur archaelogist! The Chav Scum eliminated! Only the upper classes will thrive and prosper! Wealth beyond the dreams of Harrods shall be mine!

ANDREW: [LAUGHS] Ah see rivers FOAMING with absinthe!

DAVE: How exactly are you going to take over Australia from one, very small and underbudgeted lunatic asylum?

BEN CHATHAM: The Prime Minister will arrive here tomorrow at eleven o'clock as part of his public relations folly and he will have the honor of trying out the Unclear Power process... whether he wants to or not. He will of course be rendered a vegetable but no one will notice. How does that help me, you ask? Well, nature abhors a vacuum. Especially a power vacuum. This country will need a leader and I shall replace it.

ANDREW: You'll have to fight off Costello, first.

BEN CHATHAM: Once I control this continent, my era of conquest and glory begins!

DAVE: You really think you could run a whole commonwealth? You couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery!

ANDREW: Yeah, what are your policies? Get everyone pissed on absinthe until we go back to the Stone Age?

DAVE: Replace the National Anthem with a Bowie Compilation?

ANDREW: Apologize to the Indigenous Australians about the Stolen Generation?

BEN CHATHAM: [PUZZLED] Apologize to the who about the what?

DAVE: Not so different from the previous government, then, eh?

BEN CHATHAM: I will triumph!

Andrew shakes his head.

ANDREW: No chance.

BEN CHATHAM: All the cards are in my favor, and I have an unbeatable ally.

DAVE: Who? Lucy?

BEN CHATHAM: Not Lucy. Lucifer.

Andrew, Dave and Nigel exchange looks.

BEN CHATHAM: I am in league with Lucifer, Satan, the Fallen Angel. The Devil himself.

ANDREW: I dunno about you, but my respect for the Prince of Darkness just dropped a fair bit.

BEN CHATHAM: You don't believe me?

DAVE: Benji, I wouldn't believe you if you said Chris Lilley was a transvestite!

Beyond the TARDIS, Outside the Spaceship

THE CHATHAM CHRONICLE

More news and views from every sector of time and space as long as there are no Chavs around, compiled by our rampant social disease of a reporter, NJ Verkoff. He makes all of this bollocks up, you know, none of it is true. So no need to complain.

**RICKKITT ROBS, CHATHAM CAUGHT!!**

More proof, if proof be needed, that merely being used as the likeness for Ben Chatham can fuck up your life forever! Desperate for a fresh start and horribly ashamed at how popular his BC replacement, Britney Spears, had proved, Adam Rickitt (28-going-on-280) fled to New Zealand to star as Kieran Mitchell in soap Shortland Street, a totally useless drunk that hangs around pubs all day and causes more trouble than he is worth and being hated by everyone - a true test of Rickitt's acting talents.

While filming in Henderson, Adam Rickitt noticed most of the regulars of Shortland Street getting food, drink and other necessities from a mysterious outpost known only as "Pak' n' Save", which was nearby and handy. Rickitt, not quite understanding the monetary system, promptly stole a block of cheese, a bottle of HP Sauce and a jar of coffee, before screaming "YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE, COPPERS!" and running out of the shop, sobbing at the top of his voice, "THAT IT HAS COME TO THIS?!?!?" before stealing a bicycle off a four year old girl and trying to ride to the docks.

He only however, managed to get to the Henderson police station before his weak, smoothe chest could take no more, and Rickitt strode inside to demand a police escort. Instead, he was thrown into the cells and charges were pressed against him - he will appear in court, and is advised to wear some clothes this time because the magistrates do not go all googly-eyed if the defendant has luscious blond locks and a peachy bubblebut. "Demmed colonials!" Rickitt is reported to have shouted, before having a panic attack that at any moment a truckload of drunken Maoris would lynch him for fear of his beauty.

NJ Verkoff popped down to Henderson to generally point and laugh at what a useless has-been loser Rickitt was, leading to a tearful confession from the clearly distressed Emo-wanker. "It was an honest mistake," Rickitt explained. "I assumed that the HP sauce was a bottle of finest French absinthe, that the coffee was a ridiculously exclusive Jamaican blend, and that the block of cheese was an edible Ben Chatham action figure. Why would I steal such useless Chavish items? I AM THE UK'S TOP ACTOR, BITCH! Oh, I am so STRESSED out!"

Tears rolled down Rickitt's face as he explained this indiscretion, prompted only by Verkoff's repeated kicks to the ribs. "I have recently found out some very upsetting news. I was feeling helpless to deal with it because of the distance. Texting secret government organizations doesn't help me any more and I'd lost my exclusive Harrod's towel. It left me so stressed out I haven't been able to think straight or realize anything for months."

His Shortland Street colleagues noted no difference in Rickitt's behavior during this time.

He would not give details of the news, but said it put him under considerable emotional stress. It is probably due to the six imperial tonnes of fan mail he recieves every day from one M. Goucher of Colchester, but no one really cares.

"I can't apologise enough for what was a very embarrassing and characteristic moment of stupidity, so I won't," Rickitt said. "I've got away with stealing cars and thimbles, and with my cunning brain have no need of a lawyer! It'll be the trial of the century! I shall call on Keith Harris and Orville as character witnesses! I submit to this whole process with a great deal of embarrasment and try to get through this as quickly as possible... like pretending I was gay in Corrie. Listen up, tree huggers, I'm straight! And that is in no way down to the dark shadows in my past after my parents locked me in a closet for admiring young stable boys! And my employers are behind me a 100%! Also, 100 miles! I AM THE FAVORITE NEW FAMILY DRAMA STAR! And through that family drama, I WILL SET MYSELF AMONGST THE GODS!!! Oi, where you going?! Come back here and continue the interview, you sad gonad!"

Pak' n' Save Henderson's manager Matt Lal confirmed the actor had been caught. "I don't want to dwell on this further, because I have a life. We have quite a high number of shoplifting incidents, like any other retail outlet. But unlike every other customer we don't watch him. I mean, he's shit enough on TV..."

STOP PRESS:

CHIP JAMISON DECLARES JIHAD ON ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WHO SAYS OR EVEN THINKS THAT HE WILL PLAY BEN CHATHAM IN THE DWADS!

THE CHASER'S WAR ON... CHATHAM!

The most famous Australian comedy team in the history of anything ever revealed today that one of their recurring comedy characters is based on Ben Chatham!

"Yeah, it's Clive The Slightly Too Loud Commuter," Andrew Hansen, songwriter, impressionist and closested Doctor Who fan reveals. "I logged onto OG one day and pissed myself laughing at this... incredibly useless little loser. We're so desperate for material each week, I decided to create Ben The Texting Tosser. The idea was that I'd wear a blond wig, stripped to the waste and hang around outside the ABC texting secret government organizations and telling them Kerry O'Brian was running an illegal druid nightclub determined to replace humanity with GM crops, before bursting into tears that the guy I was stalking didn't love me.

"Craig liked the idea, but thought texting wasn't good for the 'WTF' Candid Camera vibe. So, we decided Ben would have agonized phone calls in public. But then Colin thought that after the first time, all the angst about Chavs and women and degrees wasn't funny - plus, I was worried about getting a chest infection going topless around Sydney. So we gave it to Chris, because we hate him, and he decided that the homophobic stuff wasn't funny, and better to have this nerdy guy making loud phone calls to sex lines, drug dealers and APEC.

"So, we beat him up, because we hate Chris and renamed the character Clive. It was a sensible decision in the end. I mean, after the Who fan song last year, I still get blanked by fans just because I called them all fat, mindless, continuity-obsessed, merchandise-collecting emotional retards with stupid voices. I mean, making Ben Chatham canonical? I'm no fucking martyr! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to do a spoof of "I Fought The Law And The Law Won" for when Chas and Julian get banged in the slammer for the whole motorcade thing."

STOP PRESS:

ABSOLUTELY NO MENTION OF BEN CHATHAM WILL OCCUR IN THE NEW SERIES OF "THE SARAH JANE ADVENTURES" SINCE, ACCORDING TO GARETH ROBERTS AND RTD, "WHO THE FUCK'S BEN CHATHAM?"

THE LINDIG VALLEY MYSTERY MYSTERY

Although we are still who-knows-how-long from the date where the synopsis for the next comic strip is released, at least two brain cells on the planet Earth have wondered what will occur in it? Rumor has it, The Lindig Valley Mystery will be about a mysterious valley in Lindig, while other sources are confident Ben Chatham will appear in it. Whether or not Chiara, Tara, Katie Ryan, Abby or anyone previously established in the series will bother to turn up is unknown, but many believe the villain will be a pathetic rip off of a Doctor Who baddie circa 1976, the plot will be resolved by an outside agency with a dues ex machina, and Ben Chatham will have sweet FA to do with said resolution, but most likely take credit anyway. As for the comic strip adaption, reliable sources believe it will be a Multi Chatham adventure...

There is still no news on Zorklord's Adobe Publishing version of The Ben Chatham Annual 2007 which features all the Ben Chatham synopsis printed in hot pink against a black background illustrated with lots of photos of Adam Rickitt. All we can confirm is that the seminal works Nothing Too Serious, Saving Private Absinthe, Ben Does a Poo, The Decadence Society and Chatham the Scumbag's Excellent Adventure are not to be included as they are "cheap parodies" which "don't impress!"

The new stories so far in the annual are The Living Picture, The Sun Goblet of Sacrosan, The Zranti Beast, The Zombie Kids of Death and The Cult of Quexecostal. So, on the plus side we're not missing anything if the annual is never completed.

STOP PRESS:

THERE ARE NO OTHER REFERENCES TO BEN CHATHAM CAUSE NO ONE KNOWS OR CARES WHO HE IS!

TOTALLY RANDOM CHATHAM REFERENCE IN AMERICAN WEBCOMIC!!


ERRATA
The last public statement by Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones, the instigator of Ben Chatham, contained three errors: "These cheap parodies of my work don't impress!". For a start, these paradoies are very expensive in terms of human cost to both readers and writers, with great psychological repair being done. Secondly, the source material does not legally constitute "work" as it is unpaid, unwanted, unedited and shithouse. Thirdly, we refer anyone to NickB. That one where the Darklord has to deal with the upset villagers over whether or not the dead sheep was a necessary sacrifice, this guy is GOOD! As Dylan Moran would say, "He come here on a PLANE, you cunts." We'd apologize for any embarrasment or inconvenience we've caused, but frankly we don't give a shit.

38 - The Cult of Quexecostal

THE CUNT OF DON QUIXOTE

It's Saturday evening, and while the rest of the civilized world rejoices at the Viss-Taker salvation of humanity, absolutely no one wants to spend some time with Ben Chatham, even after she's had the dodgy sex-change operation that, technically, makes her a man once more.

Ben sits alone in the ruined lab, sipping an iced tea before projectile vomiting everywhere. Radiohead's 'OK Computer' album provides ironic background music as Ben dry heaves between curses of how dare Katie run off to a transvestite rave party when she should be looking after her and letting her talk about archaeological matters. Then she vomits again, marvelling at how much carrot she's eaten.

After another few hours of pathetically texting Tara, Abby, Karl, Katie and a few figments of her diseased imagination to 'come round, hang out, listen to some music and admire photos of her former body's smoothe chest', only Abby bothers texts back:

Not 2nite.
PS, Im changing
my number
Leamme alon, freek

Ben groans to herself and curses once again how her poor luck in relationships make Trappist monks seem like 24-hour party nymphomaniacs. Idly she watches the InfoDump24 channel and learns that one of the now useless old people's home has been converted to a gay club called Heathens Like Doing It With Blokes.

Ben determines to go out and after a few hours and some Fox Glacier mints, remembers determining to go out and actually gets off the sofa, puts on her most sluttiest of Anna Nicole Smith hand-me-downs, sprays herself with excusive 'Odour a la Alien Sexxe Pheromoan'.

"The Chatham Platter is in town, boys, and it's ALL YOU CAN EAT! Hot, fresh meat, drizzled with gin and tonic!" shouts Ben and sets off into the cool evening air.

Where upon, the fumes from her exclusive spray cause her to projectile vomit everywhere.

Incredibly nauseous, Ben stumbles through the streets and by narratorial convenience ends up at the club and discovers that a crowd of young guys, dressed just in thin white T-shirts and tight jeans are hanging around the entrance. This is the John Barrowman lookalike contest and their buzzy fun is ruined when a vomit-soaked Britney Spears with a suspicious bulge in her miniskirt staggers towards them.

"This club is SO a tad scabby!" she moans at the class divides. "Still," she adds, readjusting her crotch, "needs must."

There follows another piece of copious vomiting... this time from the young guys.

Ben throws herself into the club and immediately throws herself back out again. "ARGH! Loud dance music! How unpleasant! What kind of sophisticated, gay, white Oxford graduates could possibly be held inside that entrance to Hades?! Surely no one would want to be in there?!"

Ben remembers the young guys on the dance floor and, rolling her eyes, wades back in so she can have a good leer and then stalk them home. Ben's not naturally a stalker obsessive, but believes that (on Katie's example) all women are and subconsciously decides to go with the silent majority.

Once inside, Ben orders a double Martini "on the rocks" and is slightly put out when the barmaid empties the glass inside Ben's underpants and charges her five pounds. Baffled, Chatham falls over next to a non-descript girl who happens to be a grey-skinned albino Nebari.

"Hey," she says, helping Ben vomit into a pot plant. "I'm Chiana. You here on your own?"

"WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?" Ben moans, suddenly stricken with depression. "I may look like a talentless pop star, but I'm a man! An educated man with degrees! Yet all men fear my knowledge and beauty, and all women just want to seduce me! Thank GOD you're a lesbian! Don't be puzzled, I am Ben Chatham by the way. I HATE MY LIFE!" Suddenly Ben blinks, over it. "I presume you're with your girlfriends!"

Chiana stares at Ben. "Actually, I'm straight."

"What?!" Ben gasps. "GET OUT!"

"I'm with some gay friends from uni..."

"GET OUT RIGHT NOW!!!"

"Male friends!"

"HOW DARE YOU! JUST GET OUT OF HERE!"

"I do like coming to gay clubs, its less intimidating for a girl in some ways..."

"THAT SOUNDS WIERD TO ME! YOU WON'T PULL A BLOKE IN HERE, JUST ATTRACT FEMALE ATTENTION! FEMALE ATTENTION I SHOULD BE HAVING! OH GOD, I HATE MY LIFE! I... HATE... MY LIFE....!!"

Suddenly, with another complete mood swing, the mellow Ben asks Chiana if she's seen anyone she fancies, since Ben has already bagsied the young guy in the purple HISTORY GRADUATE T-shirt with the hilights in his hair. "I wouldn't mind spending the night with him," Ben admits. "Then we could lose ourselves in each other's arms, and then I could go and meet his parents and discover he's still in the closet because his parents are homophobic morons and then some wierd stuff will happen, and I'll text UNIT and the Doctor and Touchwood and then..."

Laughing very loudly in a desperate attempt to shut Ben the hell up, Chiana explains the object of Ben's lust is a friend of hers called Milo. "I'll introduce you," she offers. "I'm kinda like his pimp."

"No," Ben sneers. "You shall bring him to my place. And bring a lot of Martinis. This place is too noisy and lowbrow, and all the teenagers are camp. I bet the idea of used condoms are amusing and people are having sex through the walls of toilet cubicles!"

"You've only been here a minute."

"LONG ENOUGH!" Ben screams, suffering another inexplicable mood swing. "BRING THAT MEAT PUPPET TO ME IMMEDIATELY AND I SHALL TELL YOU HOW GOOD HE IS IN BED!!!"

"What makes you think I want to know!"

"JUST DO IT!!" Ben roars before projectile vomiting over the dance floor.

"What the fuck is this?" demands Chiana reasonably as Ben vomits again. "Little Britain 3-D?!"

Riot squads suddenly storm Heathens Like Doing It With Blokes while all the patrons are rushed to safety. Ben is shoved in a bin liner marked BIOHAZARD, dumped in a Morris Minor which is then set ablaze and driven off a bridge into the canal.

A sudden attack of vomiting AND explosive incontinence allows Ben to break free from the bin liner and floats to the surface. Naked, soaking, and even more nauseous, Ben stumbles back to the burned out laboratory she pretends is a penthouse apartment. However, even Ben cannot delude herself to the point that a newspaper advert for discount reisling is a well-stocked bar and sucks a small child's sock that had some absinthe spilled on it six years prior.

Suddenly, Milo barges in with three cloaked figures and head for the purple curtain draped over one corner of the room. Ben has never been sober or intelligent enough to check what was behind it, but her meager curiosity is satisfied when Milo draws it back to reveal a gold-coloured statue of Big Bird.

"At last! The ancient totem of Don Quixote has been found!" Milo roars. "The Brotherhood of Evil That Secretly Runs the World may now rejoice!"

"You got any absinthe?" asks Ben hopefully as the cloaked figures drag her from the sofa and forces her to kneel before the statue. "Maybe we could lie across a leather sofa and kiss?"

"Behold the image of Don Quixote! All must kneel to him!" Milo shouts.

"How about a nice chat about Mayan Culture?"

"Bend to the will of Don Quixote!"

"You're from Cambridge too, aren't you? I like ancient history..."

"DON QUIXOTE WANTS YOUR LIFE FORCE TO FEED HIS EVIL SOUL!!!"

"Do you like Bowie?"

The eyes of the Big Bird statue glow purple as it begins to recite its Wikipedia entry, as all aliens do in the presence of Ben Chatham. It's only polite.

"I am Don Quixote, last of the Big Birds, Optimus Prime of Sesame Street, Megatron of the Muppets! Not long ago, after the Andromedan War on Stereotypes, I took refuge on this privite planet from our enemies the Snowy Egrets! They were victorious, you gotta give them that. I mean, they totally handed us our arses in a bag. We sucked. But on Earth, the mighty powers of the Children's Television Workshop rendered me nothing more than a cartoon character! But then I discovered that cosnuming the cellular energy of absinthe drinkers allows me to break free! AND THROUGH YOU I SHALL HAVE POWER THAT WILL SET ME UP AMONGST THE GODS!!"

"And then what?"

"I dunno," Big Bird admits. "I'll think of something. Probably enslave humanity, guest spot on Parkinson, that sort of thing."

"But Parkinson's retired!" Ben protests.

"Has he?!" Big Bird explains. "Oh. Guess it'll be straight to the enslaving humanity bit, then."

Purple light shoots from Big Bird's eyes and engulfs Ben, consuming him. She screams...

...and then is Exorcist-sick.

Vomit drips from the cultists and Big Birds.

"That was fucking disgusting," Big Bird winces.

"I've got to get out of here!" wails Ben unhappily.

Milo laughs diabolically and reminds Ben that all the doors are locked - no one can get in or out!

Suddenly, Chiana smashes through the sky-light.

Milo shrugs philosophically and chalks this one down to experience.

Chiana grabs Ben and hurls him across the room while she kicks Milo and his goons in the bollocks. She then rabbit-punches Big Bird and smashes the only working table lamp over its golden head, decapitating it.

"Oh, how fucking typical!" Big Bird bitches before atomizing into nothingness.

Ben staggers to her feet. "What are you doing here?" he demands of Chiana. "I do not appreciate being followed by women, especially when I'm on the pull. How dare you!"

"I just saved your life, you stupid tralk," Chiana snaps. "It's lucky I worship the Mighty Snuffleupogus of the Holy Sesame Street Syndication and have the intelligence and iniative to defeat Big Bird or you'd be dust!"

"So? You expect me to me to thank you because you can do karate? Just because it's hard for girls..."

"You guys are so funny," Chiana laughs at Ben's grace and tact...

...before RIPPING off Ben's cabonossi manhood.

Ben faints, screaming and Chiana walks off.

In the shocking, thrilling cliffhanger, Ben is massively incontient yet again and by a series of coincidences too ludicrous and long winded to go into in reasonable detail here, actually pisses onto an unused pregnancy test! Two pink lines start to appear...

TO BE CONTINUED...

The Sebastian Flyte/Lighthope Letters!

Give or take a bit of kinky girl action (which I must do more of some time - hey, it got Steve Moffat to where he is today, so don't knock it), this blog has been split more or less evenly between the demented insanity of Ben Chatham and the introverted delusions of Everlasting Films/DWADs.

After having the Season Four Pitch inflicted on us, we decided to make someone else suffer. After all, an arrogant, talentless homophobic twat is perfect fodder for the DWADs, considering they've had companions ranging from a recast Sarah Jane Smith to a deaf mute...

We sent off the giant rat two parter, confident that the homosexual date rapes, giant otters and infanticide would make a great audio. After changing Donna's name to Moira, we sent off the unchanged synopsis...

This is their reply

Sebastian,
Greetings. Please forgive the delay in
replying.
The Rats of Tenbury - by Sebastian Flyte
Thank you for your interest in our production of The
Doctor Who Audio Dramas.
After careful consideration of your story, we feel that
it does not meet our needs.
Thank you again for your interest.
In Jesus,
Lighthope

...which actually turned out to be twice as disturbing a reaction than expected.

But it lacked the ferocious disgust that, it seems, only JNT or RTD could provide. So we tried again, deciding on the brutal UNIT/Silurian slaughter, and again changed only Donna to Moira and left Ben in the story. Surely this would get some kind of reaction?

Sebastian,
Greetings.
Thank you for your interest in our production of
The Doctor Who Audio Dramas.
After careful consideration of your story, we
find that we are not able to use it. According to the writer's guide, you
may not use reoccurring monsters such as the Silurians and Sea
Devils.
Thank you again for your
interest.
In Jesus,
Lighthope

Not exactly the reaction we were hoping for. I mean, that's it? Out of all the pointless genocide, rural stereotypes and mindless plot turns... they chucked it because the monsters were Silurians? Despite the fact they didn't even act like Silurians?!

This was serious, so we sent him Cavaliers. This time, we didn't even change Donna to Moira and left it intact.

Surely this would be the straw that gave the dromedary osteoperosis?

Sebastian,
Greetings.
CAVALIERS - by Sebastian Flyte
Thank you for your interest in our production of The Doctor Who Audio
Dramas.
You have an interesting story that is slightly reminiscent of both King's Demons and a recent DW story who's name escapes me at the moment.
Unfortunately, we feel this story isn't quite what we're looking for at the moment.
However, like I said it was an interesting idea. If you would like to make another submission, we would be honoured to consider it.
In Jesus,
Lighthope

Now, we're thinking: shit, this could get out of hand.

We sent out the final salvo, all we had left. And we said Big Finish were interested.

The reply we got was even more disturbing.

Sebastian,
Greetings.
Thank you for your interest in our production of
The Doctor Who Audio Dramas.
ACORN MAN - by Sebastian Flyte
I have to admit that this is something of a surreal story. I do like these kinds of stories as they lend themselves to be real creepy.

All around the room are books on the occult. The Doctor recognises Gabriel Decavenar, the UK’s leading black magician. In his dead hand are three acorns and a sprig of woodbine. Outside the window a man walks quickly away from the house. It is Stephen Poole.

You'll have to forgive me, but neither of these names ring a bell with me, so I am lost as to their significance.

Meanwhile Ben awakes to find himself in a stables

Who is Ben?
One concern I have is that the story merely consists of set pieces without a strong plot holding things together. Of course, this could be because the synopsis you submitted went into detail here and there, making the story seem threadbare. Why is the physic presence trying to destroy them? What do Decavenar and Poole have to do with it? What about the three acorns and woodbine?
Can you give a bit more clarification of the story?
In Jesus,
Lighthope

While normally a cluelessness about Stephen Poole and Ben Chatham would be completely forgotten... they had been in EVERY SINGLE STORY sent to them. Had these purveyors of quality fan entertainment actually FORGOTTEN to read it?

This, coupled with the horror of what Spara could be like if he found out he'd got an actual audio play created, made us call it quits. Apart from anything else, I'd probably end up having to review the bloody thing for this blog!

However, it goes to show that Ben Chatham COULD make it to the big time if anyone was actually prepared to do any work about it.

Something for the kids there.

Review: Time's Champions

TIME’S CHAMPIONS (6E)

(Robin-Mary Manseth) 15 – COUNT THEM! – 15 episodes.

"This is Speaker Durman representing the Great City of Castual. Elders, moments ago, Hazzari warships appeared over our horizon. We don't know what they want, as all attempts at communication with them have gone unanswered. We—"


From the Back Cover:
"What is the meaning of this attack?!"

"I thought our meaning was quite clear."

"We have done nothing to you. We bother no one, offend no one…"

"Your very existence is offensive, Elder. We have tolerated your offence because you offered something to us. But you betrayed us. You thought you could slip away into the sea of time. But you won’t. We’ve left this city until last. I want you to see everything as your world is destroyed. Every burned out building, every charred body. And I wanted you to know that I did it. That’s why I’ve come. To take one last look at your ugly face, and remember its expression as each city was burned to the ground... Klent, status?"

"The cities of Farmount and Vishell have been destroyed. Attack fleet redeployed to engage outlying civilian population centres. Scans indicate refugees fleeing to the mountains or nearby cities."

"Contact the Telemites, inform them that the Garidanians are theirs for the taking. But be quick about it. We’re going to thermo-bomb the planet when we’re done."

"Yes, captain."

"Peaceful life, Elders."

Plot:
The TARDIS arrives on Garidane, where the Doctor and Christine team up with the local rebel underground, attempting to construct a working time machine to escape the cruel attacks of the Hazzari bully boys. There begins a lot of running around, with lots of buildings exploding, monsters jumping out of the shadows, and time portals opening. None of them are relevant to the ongoing plot. Christine is captured, escapes, captured, escapes, captured again and escapes, going from a primitive deity to a main course to a slave girl. Meanwhile the Doctor wanders through a sewer, not saying much. The Hazzari discover the time experiments and decide to wipe out the entire civilization. For the hell of it. Meanwhile, it turns out that the entire rebel underground is made up of traitors, including another Time Lord who calls in the cavalry. The Doctor and Christine are sucked in a divergent history of 20th century Earth. So what do they do? Gatecrash divergent UNIT, of course! Unfortunately history is in flux and they get locked up in different bits of parallel history until the Time Lords capture them. Finally, it’s the fifteenth episode, so it’s a trip off to the dawn of Gallifreyan History when Rassilon is strutting his funky stuff. Except that doesn’t actually happen so the Doctor and Christine run around inside the TARDIS away from the Time Lords. The Time Lord’s increasingly heavy handed attempts to catch them cause Garidane to be flung out of reality, which technically counts as saving it from the Hazzari. The Doctor and Christine run for it and the story ends.


Story:
Robin-Mary Manseth pens her first story since the previous Doctor’s The Price of Paradise, a shockingly original story that revitalized the DWADs. Exactly why she was commissioned to write a story longer than many TV seasons is unknown, and she is clearly not up to the task.

Time’s Champions starts on a derivative note with an experiment causing a bird egg to hatch in a time bubble, and a desire for a field integrator to allow further time experiments (identical to the plot of City of Death, and since it’s being written and made by fans, they really should notice these things) and frankly doesn’t improve. Indeed, much of story feels similar to the infamous DWM comic strip The Tides of Time, particularly when history goes into freefall and the armies of different time zones fight each other across the universe while the Doctor and his companion are caught on a strange rollercoaster adventure. Similarly, the Doctor’s capture and trial are more than reminiscent of The Stockbridge Horror. Rather than telling a long story in fifteen episodes, it seems Time’s Champions is a story being artificially stretched, with some episodes only just scraping past the fifteen minute mark.

Worse, there are many long scenes with little point in them bar exposition, and the various set pieces (such as the Doctor being sacrificed by superstitious savages) have nothing original or memorable about them. Episode three in particular seems composed entirely of characters complaining of their fate, and the nasty habit of reusing dialogue from the series (like the Doctor’s failed attempt at hypnosis directly from The Power of Kroll) returns in this story, further proving this story is too long for its concepts. Indeed, the concepts aren’t particularly impressive – The Dominators showed a similar race of galactic thugs picking on pacifists, and The Two Doctors showed civilizations discovering time travel on their own. As in The Perfection Society, we see a civilization that has known of no other life but oppression somehow creates a thriving rebel movement when you assume they would have no reason to think anything was wrong. There’s also a heavy handed War on Terror criticism, with a superpower carpet bombing a defenseless minor power in full view of others who refuse to do anything about this immoral action.

But this, like many ideas are forgotten as the story goes on, and the latter third of the story is unconnected to the events on Garidane. The Chronotrons (ancient time-devouring creatures of Time Lord legend) are not the most inspired of creatures, simply being Chronovores by another name without any obvious intelligence. The TV series two years later revived the Chronovores in the form of the Reapers in Father’s Day, and did a better job since the plot actually focussed on the dangers of such a creature. Time’s Champions has them as just another obstacle to pad out the plot. Particularly painful is episode twelve which recreates episode ten of The War Games with the Doctor and Christine being frozen in time by an invasion by the Time Lords, and the plot involves lengthy trips to prehistoric Garadene and side trips to parallel Earth histories, as if understandably bored with a plot used up long before the fifth episode, let alone the fifteenth, which regress back to the outright plagiarism of the Segal years.

The padding stretches out the plot painfully – for example, it is only in episode five, in their second appearance that any of the Hazzari attack in the first episode is expanded upon or explained, which then pads out the entire fifth episode of a characters justifying their action or inaction to each other. The episode starts with them fleeing the lab and then trying to get back in, meaning the plot effectively goes nowhere. Also, the DeNatale Doctor makes one final late entrance – it is ten minutes into the twenty minute first episode before he appears and nineteen minutes until he actually gets involved in the plot. It takes four episodes before the Doctor realizes Christine is missing. Similarly, two episodes pass before the characters realize what the audience already knows – Aron is a traitor – only for another two episodes to reveal Thatch was the traitor and everything that pointed to Aron was false, because he is a completely different traitor. Episode twelve is almost unbelievable: the Doctor and Christine loiter at a restaurant for fifteen minutes until another cliffhanger occurs, and the plot of the next episode involves them simply being arrested and commenting on shifts in time leading to a painfully abrupt cliffhanger with a terrible cop out resolution (it was all a dream!). The fourteenth a long argument between the Doctor and a Time Lord that boasts little to no new material at all.

There’s no reason for the Doctor and Christine to start the story watching a very long and boring play, other than to pad out the episode. There’s also a high level of coincidence, as the Doctor and company happen to arrive in the past totally at random... mere hours before lava wipes out the whole continent. The most bombastic and arrogant of the Doctors spends many scenes silent, refusing to give any opinions, advice or decisions, to the point you begin to wonder if he was edited into the story – which would progress just as well, or perhaps even better without out. In fact David Segal plays Aron so similarly to the Tenth Doctor, you begin to wonder if this is another Webs of Time crossover. There’s also the painfully sudden and unheralded introduction of the Telamites into the story, who are hard to mentally disentangle from the sewer monster Chronotrons, who are revealed as eating the people they kidnap before its made clear they kidnap anyone at all, prompting terrible descriptions of what they are doing because Telamites are not the most audio-friendly of villains and then replaced by the very similar Phadocs.

One of the few memorable characters is Schult (who seems to spend the story in her ship exchanging witticisms with her pilot in the handful of episodes she actually appears in) is a crude copy of Servalan from Blake’s 7, with her ruthless and twisted viewpoint even having the same “Hope is dangerous” philosophy, and sadly she comes across as more entertaining (and thus sympathetic) than the moronic, pacifistic and above all dull Garadinians. To the story’s credit, the Hazzari come across as cruel, mindless bullies – demanding anyone weaker than them willingly go great lengths to stay weaker and keep the Hazzari strong, and this deliberate lack of sophistication and empathy makes them more threatening. At the end of episode eight, however, Schult becomes a screaming ranter, determined to destroy the whole planet for a handful of people daring to stand up for herself. It would be scary if it wasn’t so melodramatic. The trouble is the Garadinians come across as so stultifyingly pathetic, it is hard to feel sorry for them (especially the cliffhanger to episode four where one makes a phone call to tell the scientists that this phone call has just given them away and they should all take this with melancholic resignation). People like this deserve to suffer, and Time’s Champions loses its major draw – sympathy for an oppressed civilization.

Worst of all, however, is the cliffhanger to part fourteen when the Doctor decides to wipe out the Time Lords and himself on the behalf of this never-before-seen civilization. Yet the trip to Ancient Gallifrey, another steal from the comic strips (specifically The Final Chapter, even down to the use of the name Year Zero, not to mention The 4-D War) is abandoned and is barely mentioned. Truly, the DeNatale era has tapped into the Colin Baker one – talking about interesting fanwank ideas and never showing them.

A waste of almost five hours of life.


Personal Appreciation: ½ *
A fat, arrogant, blowhard Doctor ends his short life with a story longer than The Daleks’ Master Plan ending with a Time Lord trial and is unceremoniously replaced before the beginning of the next story. Just another little bit of history repeating...


Character Stuff:
The Doctor’s met Queen Victoria in his current body and she admired his moustache (presumably before handing him over to the Torchwood Institute). The Doctor stole the Duke of Buckney’s jacket (so he’s changed his outfit since The Perfection Society) and intends to give it back now it’s got all stinky and stained after a trek in the sewer – bastard. His shoes were also nicked from Napoleon. As ever, he cracks smug jokes rather than deal with say, the fact he’s been dumped in a prehistoric jungle with no way of getting back and has a near psychotic optimism that things will sort themselves out without his having to put much effort in. He considers again the possibility he is an arrogant, selfish, self-centred insensitive bastard, though automatically assumes himself an improvement on previous incarnations. He mentions Susan, Vicki, Susie-Jo and Leela as companions who knew when to quit his lifestyle... (by falling in love incredibly abruptly?). He really enjoys being treated as a God, even if it offends his religious companion and he is monumentally irritated whenever she shows signs of independent thought, or lack of knowledge post 13th century Earth. In short, he’s just irritated. He’s even more callous than normal, only interested in the outcome of a fight to the death in case the victor might be useful. He is bragging how clever he was at school (ignoring the fact he is a university drop out that barely scraped by his exams, and contradicts The Space Museum where the Doctor admits he never really understood time mechanics). He refers to Chronotrons as “buggers”. He also is determined to send slave girl Tisha back to certain death so history is not unduly distorted. He thinks the ‘parting of the ways’ with Gallifrey in Apollyon was for good. His aunt has a recipe for rice pudding (perhaps explaining why he thinks it is more valuable than universal conquest?) He considers satisfying his hunger a better use of time than saving a defenseless planet from slaughter, and continually pretends he has no flaws whatsoever – like being hypocritical, cheap, moronic and dull. Worse, he surrenders to the Time Lords just because he’s a bit pooped. In short... why isn’t he dead yet?

Christine gets bored to sleep by a twelve-hour Garidinian musical. The Doctor has dragged her back and forth across Garidane cultural hotspots and refuses to let her talk to anyone and also never discusses his thoughts, then demands she calls him Thete (especially cruel considering her lisp). Clearly he hates her guts, forcing her to undergo an educational fortnight and then leading her into a killing zone, abandoning her in a dangerous dark jungle seemingly for safety. She has issues about being treated as a child (which seems to be the main reason the Doctor does so) and her teenage hormones are all over the place in this story, shouting abuse at the Doctor one second and mired in self pity another. She doesn’t even pretend to have faith in this Doctor, and who can blame her? She, once again, puts her life and others in mortal peril by her impulsive honesty and not knowing when to shut up. She spends the moments before her execution complaining she’s uncomfortable, and would rather let her companions be executed rather than pretend to be a God. Doing so drives her to suicide, but tragically, very tragically, she chickens out at the last moment. She has quite a backlog of four letter words reserved to describe the Doctor when he brags she is only sophisticated because of him being so brilliant. For someone utterly suicidal in episode three, she is determined to cling onto life at all costs four episodes later. She needs to see a defenseless girl getting slapped around for about a minute while whispering “stop” before she does anything, but she’s clever enough to play extra vulnerable to work on the Doctor’s guilt. The Time Lords wonder why the hell the Doctor would want to travel with her, and frankly, good point. She gets called Vicki, Nyssa, Leela, Sarah, Dara by the Doctor – yet she does not punch his lights out, so she’s got some self control.


Observations:
The first scene of a fifteen episode story has the characters whining how everyone’s wasting time, then Christine getting bored by a long complicated play. NOT a good sign there, especially as they have a machine capable of fast-forwarding history itself... Worse, in Part Fifteen Christine screams “I cannot take it any more!” Right there with you, baby.

Why can’t these people get some decent sound effects? SIDRAT humming, Scavanger twittering and Cheetah teleportation sounds just make me pine for proper stories. And the use of Babylon Five music, only what, six years after the show ended, makes me pine for a different series altogether. Typically, the completely different musical stylings of The Leisure Hive are introduced in part ten has a patent Everlasting Film bad move. And then stings from Robot and The Curse of Fenric in the last episode... KILL ME NOW!

Props to the squeaky alien smuggler for being more interesting than the episode around him. His return as a truly deranged sadist miner works as well.

The whole first episode is an excuse to dump the TARDIS crew in a jungle. Of course, they could have just gone there in the TARDIS and compressed an episode into five seconds but no, that would be just stupid.

Oh, god, superstitious natives worshipping the Great Titans... GOD! NOT THIS! PLEASE! This is supposed to celebrate the very ethos of Doctor Who by recreating the cavemen bits from 100, 000 BC with no wit, style, elegance or imagination? And then the morons behind this mess have a go at the New Series for not fitting with them!

“You are not thinking!” On top of that, Christine’s hysteria and petulance are actually sympathetic – the backward peasant actually seems to realize how dangerous the situation is. For once. However, after the sixteenth minute of it you just want someone to snap her neck.

Gosh a lot of these scenes end loudly and abruptly.

Against incredibly stiff competition, in only two episodes the Shaman becomes the most irritating character I have ever heard, rivaling Ja-Ja Binks simply by the continual use of the phrases “Great Titans”, “lying”, “liar”, “sweet aroma”, “leader”, “burn them”, “where is the meat?” and “servant” all pronounced as though Aris in Kinda is the hallmark of primitive caveman diction. In fact, the Shaman is the biggest and most stubborn moron he actually makes Christine sympathetic. He is, frankly, the anti-matter opposite of Sharaz Jek, he is the Ultimate Crap Villain.

Christine’s crisis of faith in episode three. Please. Stop. Shut up. Never speak again. PLEASE!!!

The Doctor’s got Leela on his mind this week, doesn’t he? First he keeps mentioning her name, then he describes Christine with the same string of adjectives in Underworld.

Four episodes in and it seems the entire plot is an excuse to explain the “not rewriting history” rule?

“Are you REALLY that dense?!” Thatch demands of Christine. Join the club, buckeroo.

“Oh no you won’t” everyone says at once in panto style. SHUT – UP!!!

Episode six, ten, fourteen and fifteen begin with the alternate version of the title sequence. They should have used it for the next Doctor instead of the rubbish mark one...

Is the Doctor referring to Ace as his friend who would enjoy seeing an explosion? Am I reading too much into this? Is it because this cryptic continuity reference is more interesting than the story itself? True props, however, must go for the Doctor’s “It just gets better and better!”, said with the psychotic ‘let’s go looking for trouble’ glee that just screams Doctor Who more than any technobabble or returning villains. Better late than never, I dare say, Jym.

The TARDIS telepathic circuits clearly aren’t able to convert Christine’s mongrel dialect into something everyone can understand. Maybe they can’t be arsed?

Oh God. THAT sound effect. You know the one I mean. The hysterical woman screaming.

“Sometimes I think Thatcher’s right.” Is Adon really Ben Elton?

I swear, if ANYONE EVER says Christine is “full of fire” AGAIN I will take a shotgun to a local high school and prove a point.

Wouldn’t it have been wonderful if, after Schult did her long speech about how Garidane will be cruelly wiped out for being offensive, one of the doddery old Elders shot her dead? Wouldn’t it? I mean, it’s the kind of imaginative leap that gets forced out the door with a crucifix shoved in its face by this story.

“Thanks heavens for small favours,” says in Gatlin episode nine, but in episode seven Thatch says “Thank heavens for small miracles.” WHY CAN’T THEY GET THE RIGHT WORDS?!? DAMNIT!

“We will survive,” the Elders drone on. Oh god... JUST DIE ALREADY!! How we suddenly fall in love with Schult as she shuts the fool up.

On the bright side, David Segal’s character being unmasked at the end of an episode doesn’t turn out to be the Master. Bright side? What am I saying? Even the Dirty Ho Ho Ho would be welcome in a coma convention like this!!

"Life the universe and everything else." SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!!

Heh. The Doctor gets knackered from exposure to the time vortex. That’s like the Doctor getting food poisoning before visiting Androzani, or getting his appendix out before San Francisco...

If the Doctor is so damn hungry, why doesn’t he eat the damn jelly babies he has?

“Give it time.” Christine finally says something clever! Wow! Then she breaks out of a cell because the sets are so crap... weird...

A Spanish Time Lord. Well, if we accept Scottish, Liverpudlian, Mancurian and Cockney ones... and isn’t a real problem that the Time Lords seem to be the good guys compared to this pompous, self-opinionated git in the moustache who can’t get anything done? And the idea that the Time Lords simply looked at the Doctor’s history (off screen) to establish guilt or innocence is a brilliant twist. But that’s thirty seconds out of 291 minutes...

A lengthy explanation of “dematerialization” and “erasure”. Fanwank, pure and clean.

The last episode is a rip off BTR’s The Gallifreyan Recommencement where the Master travels to the past of Gallifrey and sabotages Omega’s ship, and tries to kill Rassilon and replace him to change all of Time Lord history – not a million miles from what the Doctor attempts here. Perhaps it’s best that the Doctor did not, like the Master, rape Rassilon’s wife and murder his entire family. Still, it’d be different.

How the hell did the Doctor get Andred’s uniform? And how the hell would it fit him?

So that’s The Rescue, Invasion of Time, The Keeper of Traken, and Target Zylon mentioned when instead we could be seeing the characters we are supposed to care about being rescued and starting their new lives? The Doctor just talks about it and sods off.


Preposterous Plot Points:
A volcano can turn water into acid?!?

The Doctor insists the villagers must be left to their fate so history can continue on course without them changing things. So, appearing out of thin air, causing a religious schism and leaving the high priest in charge of the whole tribe has no long term historical implications whatsoever?

Instead of using the time machine to escape/attack their enemies, they hurry through a sewer tunnel instead. Morons.

The sonic screwdriver can turn solid doors transparent? What the hell?!

Trakenites get punished by being turned to stone? Uh... no.

A Time Ring works as a replacement for TARDISes. So why would Aron have both? Why not say a TARDIS with remote control? And the Time Lords have rules about certain periods of history that must never be visited... yet there is no system to stop Time Lords who don’t obey the rule? Give me strength...

The Trial of the Doctor... consists of him and his prosecutor chatting in a dark room while a jury are silent in the background. For smeg’s sake...

Sorry, it’s taken twelve regenerations for the Doctor to realize the Time Lords are corrupt, self-interested arseholes? This has to be the biggest continuity blunder in existence!

I won’t even comment on how screwed up and moronic the Doctor’s plan is to wipe out Gallifreyan history. But if he never does carry it out, why does it cause “ripples”?

Why in the name of fried Kroll testicles does the Doctor choose the name Thete to hide himself from the Time Lords using the only other pseudonym they could possibly guess? WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM? I’ll tell you, screwed up regeneration – this Doctor is a failure in every sense. Bring on the next one, say I!


Notable Dialogue:

Gratuitous use of the title -
COMPUTER: Password?
DOCTOR: Time’s Champions.


ADON: We better not do anything suspicious.
CHRISTINE: Like what?
ADON: We’ll know when we do it.



SMUGGLER 1: We already have the money. Why sit out here, hiding behind every asteroid in the system until we rot?
SMUGGLER 2: Because they paid us for delivery and that’s what we’re going to give them. It’s a matter of honor.
SMUGGLER 1: You’re not exactly one to preach about honor, you know. Smuggling can still get you twenty years in a penal colony from what I hear.
SMUGGLER 2: Well, just consider this our good deed for the decade. Maybe when the Almighty reconciles our accounts, he’ll remember this and at least give us a small air conditioner for where we’re going.



DOCTOR: Now is not the time to panic.
THATCH: Of course not, we should have started a long time ago! I’ve got a lot of catching up to do!



OFFICIAL: We’ve had quite enough of you Scoff-Laws getting away with legal loopholes and bleeding-heart judges. Fortunately we solved that little problem!
DOCTOR: You shot all the lawyers and hung all the judges?
(It’s “hanged”! Honestly, this Doctor is so stupid... and he acts like such a pedant!)



Give. Me. Strength:
SHAMAN: BURN THEM WITH THE FLAME OF FIRE!!!



Christine shows herself beyond redemption.
DOCTOR: Sometimes you can be the most irresponsible, thick headed, reckless, most mature young woman I’ve ever come across!!
CHRISTINE: Then you are not angry with me?



A story made by Americans in 2004. No subtext at all, huh?
THATCH: We let them get away with this, time after time after time!
ARON: Here we go again.
THATCH: And you all act like you accept this, like it’s just a part of life!
CUSTODIAN: It is a part of life.
ARON: No one ever said we accepted it. There’s just nothing we can do about it.
THATCH: Nobody even tries! We shouldn’t run away, we should fight! Avenge those who died! Fight against those bloodsuckers who treat us like the refuse of the galaxy! This is our planet!
ARON: Thatch, you have to accept that the strong prey upon the weak. It isn’t pretty, it isn’t fair, but it’s the way it is.
THATCH: We’re only weak because we refuse to do anything about it. How many people lost families tonight? How many children are orphans? How many parents childless? How many are going to have to live with the bitter memory of having gone out to a play or to dinner thinking their children are safe at home, only to come home and find nothing left?



Why do I get the feeling more effort went into this sequence than the other fourteen episodes?
GUARD 1: So.. no papers?
GUARD 2: What do we do?
GUARD 1: Regulation 24739 paragraph H sub-paragraph 3 is very clear on all matters of citizens not having appropriate travel papers.
DOCTOR: A stern talking-to?
GUARD 2: Silence!
GUARD 1: Ah, and a further violation of article 16/89B.
GUARD 2: Paragraph 26?
GUARD 1: I was thinking more of paragraph 25.
GUARD 2: No, no, paragraph 26 section 12 would be much more appropriate.
GUARD 1: Subsection C?
GUARD 2: You read my mind. Violations of article 16/89B paragraph 89 section 12 subsection C are not tolerated. I could have you shot RIGHT HERE!
GUARD 1: We’re almost off-duty. You’re sure you want to bother with the paperwork?
GUARD 2: Hmmm. Not really.


THATCH: Oh don’t worry, there are a hundred other problems on the list that’ll make this one look like child’s play.


CHRISTINE: Does it hurt?
ARON: Only when I breathe. Or exist in any form.



Some people cannot take a hint from the universe:
ELDER: We will survive. We have done so in the past, we will do so again. The Council of Elders continue to work for Garidane. Our message of entreaty to other races for help continues to be broadcast, as well as our messages of peace to the Hazzari, and other races who continue their assault on our people. For generations these messages have been sent out... and for generations they have been ignored. But we will persevere and we will prevail. We must.


After a nuclear explosion –
CHRISTINE: What was that?
DOCTOR: The sound of irony.



Colin Baker did it first. Colin Baker did it better. And Colin Baker didn’t leave such whacking great holes in the argument that it could apply to Daleks, Cybermen or the Great Vampires -
DOCTOR: Evils? Evils?! Throughout my years I have fought these “evils” that you speak of in every corner of the galaxy. Tyranny has been my enemy and persecution has been my foe. But here, here I look upon the greatest evil this universe has ever produced – and you dare stand in judgement against another? A race whose only wish is to survive, as is their right! I say to you that the Garadanians WILL survive and if that means that I must stand against you, then so be it!


The Twelfth Doctor’s last words sum up his era:
DOCTOR: Well, Christine, what did you think of it? Christine? ... Christine!
(Christine snores)



Cliffhangers:

1. The time portal suffers a power surge and gobbles up the Doctor, Christine and Thatch, sending them to an unknown point in space and time. Wow. Like THAT’s never happened before.

2. Christine stupidly reveals that she, the Doctor and Thatch are not actually the godlike Titans to the homicidal Shaman, who immediately orders the trio to be burned alive. Christine screams a lot. You can’t take her anywhere, can you?

3. Mount Kanda, a super volcano, begins to erupt and the Shaman decides to sacrifice Christine to propitiate the Titans. It’s a plan with no drawbacks, which is presumably why the Doctor and Thatch stand around as she is dragged onto the sacrificial stone and the Shaman performs a long winded chant.

4. The Harrazi discover the time experiments and surround the lab. Trapped, with only a working time space portal at their disposal, how in the name of Slitheen buggery are the Doctor and his friends EVER going to escape?!

5. The custodian is about to leave the hide out to collect some more spare parts when he hears a strange slurping sound in the shadows. Something rises out of the dark and attacks him. “You!” he shouts unhelpfully as it charges him. More like the start of a first episode than the end of a fifth, really.

6. The Doctor and Thatch emerge from the sewer to discover the hideout has been utterly destroyed, taking their last and only hope with it. Whatever.

7. Schult finally gets off her arse and does something. Which involves rescuing Aron and Christine, beating up the former and threatening the latter with “a most uncomfortable death” and then cackling insanely. A cliffhanger to make you lose the will to live, this one. There’s still eight episodes to go...

8. It’s only taken eight episodes for Schult to discover the Garidanes are trying to develop time travel. Furious at this, she declares a jihad to wipe out the planet and everything on it in as unnecessarily destructive and vindictive manner as she can. Get a life, Schult.

9. Gatlin is caught by surprise by someone he knows wielding a weapon, someone who then murders Gatlin without revealing their identity. Just like the cliffhanger to the fifth episode, really.

10. That mysterious someone from the previous cliffhanger turns out to be Thatch. Yawn.

11. Aron is revealed not to be the same traitor that was Thatch, but rather a ruthless Time Lord who sets his Chronoton creatures on the Doctor and Christine. Boo-frigging-hoo.

12. Having spent an hour in a restaurant not ordering any food because they’re cheapskates, the Doctor and Christine are arrested by the restaurant manager and sent to the Tower of London for thirty years. Yes. Honestly, that’s what happened. If only the defectives behind this story got the same treatment for such relentless padding.

13. The unnamed official shoots the Doctor dead with a machine gun after he refuses to reveal the secret of the time ring. Then he aims at Christine. If only the story ended here...

14. The Doctor decides to travel back in time to the Harmony Project on Ancient Gallifrey, and prevent the Time Lords from coming into existence, so they won’t exist to threaten the Garadanians. Overreact much?!

15. The Doctor takes Christine to see a nice, short play... that’s still so boring she falls asleep.


Miscellaneous:
Part one is, bizarrely subtitled, The Accident. No other episodes have any subtitles at all. According to the casing, the story is split into three sections (probably five episodes apiece): The Accident, The Saboteur, and The Time Lords.


What Could Have Been Done To Improve It:

- A reduction of episode count. In fact, this might have made a decent forty five minute episode if you put all the important scenes in. Then again it might not.

- Replace Garidane with Earth, so at least the audience might give a rat’s arse about what’s happening.

- Edit the last scene of The Chronic Rift so the very next story is Object Permanence.


The Party Line:
An epic of this length is a risky proposition, but veteran writer Robin-Mary Manseth is more than up to the task of keeping the tale coherent and captivating, truly one story rather than a loosely-connected story arc . The plot itself is interesting, and the pacing is well done, varying from frantic to relaxed at just the right frequency to sustain such a lengthy tale. So much of this story is about good, evil, and the grey area in-between; by anchoring the “evil” side of the equation she provides a clear backdrop upon which the rest of the story, the rest of the characters, can be contrasted. The ideas of pacifism versus oppression; how to fight back while trying to live the Golden Rule; revenge versus justice; social Darwinism; principles versus pragmatism; all these ideas and more fill the 15 parts of this audio drama, making it very meaty listening.



The Awful Truth:
What idiot thought remaking The Dominators as a fifteen-part story was a good idea? There must be some kind of filter to stop crap ideas reaching the screen (or speaker), and it seems the whole thing has been influenced by Death Comes To Time, except without the excitement, adventure, or genuine epic qualities. Ten episodes could be compressed into one, cutting straight to the chase. The derivative Twelfth Doctor doesn’t even get an enjoyable story, in what turned out to be his last adventure – fifteen episodes of him refusing to do a damn thing. It’s thanks to these overlong, underplotted and unmemorable stories that mean that Jym Netale won’t be missed. In short, the worst DWAD I’ve ever heard.



Illustrations:
The covers for Time's Champions. Not as exciting as Zagreus, The Next Life or even The Settling. Still, at least the photoshop's halfway interesting for once, but no one gives a monkey's.

The Garridanians are slaughter in a crude bit of September 11th symbolism, but no one gives a monkey's.

The Hazarri spaceship descends, but no one gives a monkey's.

Elder Lamor: his people are faced with extinction, but no one gives a monkey's.

Cardinal Boyer prompts a remake of The Trial of a Time Lord, but no one gives a monkey's.

The Doctor intends to destroy Gallifreyan history utterly in a truly embarassing temper tantrum. Christ, have some perspective! Luckily, no one gives a monkey's, and there's a new (and much better) Doctor next week.