Beyond the TARDIS, Outside the Spaceship

THE CHATHAM CHRONICLE

More news and views from every sector of time and space as long as there are no Chavs around, compiled by our rampant social disease of a reporter, NJ Verkoff. He makes all of this bollocks up, you know, none of it is true. So no need to complain.

**RICKKITT ROBS, CHATHAM CAUGHT!!**

More proof, if proof be needed, that merely being used as the likeness for Ben Chatham can fuck up your life forever! Desperate for a fresh start and horribly ashamed at how popular his BC replacement, Britney Spears, had proved, Adam Rickitt (28-going-on-280) fled to New Zealand to star as Kieran Mitchell in soap Shortland Street, a totally useless drunk that hangs around pubs all day and causes more trouble than he is worth and being hated by everyone - a true test of Rickitt's acting talents.

While filming in Henderson, Adam Rickitt noticed most of the regulars of Shortland Street getting food, drink and other necessities from a mysterious outpost known only as "Pak' n' Save", which was nearby and handy. Rickitt, not quite understanding the monetary system, promptly stole a block of cheese, a bottle of HP Sauce and a jar of coffee, before screaming "YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE, COPPERS!" and running out of the shop, sobbing at the top of his voice, "THAT IT HAS COME TO THIS?!?!?" before stealing a bicycle off a four year old girl and trying to ride to the docks.

He only however, managed to get to the Henderson police station before his weak, smoothe chest could take no more, and Rickitt strode inside to demand a police escort. Instead, he was thrown into the cells and charges were pressed against him - he will appear in court, and is advised to wear some clothes this time because the magistrates do not go all googly-eyed if the defendant has luscious blond locks and a peachy bubblebut. "Demmed colonials!" Rickitt is reported to have shouted, before having a panic attack that at any moment a truckload of drunken Maoris would lynch him for fear of his beauty.

NJ Verkoff popped down to Henderson to generally point and laugh at what a useless has-been loser Rickitt was, leading to a tearful confession from the clearly distressed Emo-wanker. "It was an honest mistake," Rickitt explained. "I assumed that the HP sauce was a bottle of finest French absinthe, that the coffee was a ridiculously exclusive Jamaican blend, and that the block of cheese was an edible Ben Chatham action figure. Why would I steal such useless Chavish items? I AM THE UK'S TOP ACTOR, BITCH! Oh, I am so STRESSED out!"

Tears rolled down Rickitt's face as he explained this indiscretion, prompted only by Verkoff's repeated kicks to the ribs. "I have recently found out some very upsetting news. I was feeling helpless to deal with it because of the distance. Texting secret government organizations doesn't help me any more and I'd lost my exclusive Harrod's towel. It left me so stressed out I haven't been able to think straight or realize anything for months."

His Shortland Street colleagues noted no difference in Rickitt's behavior during this time.

He would not give details of the news, but said it put him under considerable emotional stress. It is probably due to the six imperial tonnes of fan mail he recieves every day from one M. Goucher of Colchester, but no one really cares.

"I can't apologise enough for what was a very embarrassing and characteristic moment of stupidity, so I won't," Rickitt said. "I've got away with stealing cars and thimbles, and with my cunning brain have no need of a lawyer! It'll be the trial of the century! I shall call on Keith Harris and Orville as character witnesses! I submit to this whole process with a great deal of embarrasment and try to get through this as quickly as possible... like pretending I was gay in Corrie. Listen up, tree huggers, I'm straight! And that is in no way down to the dark shadows in my past after my parents locked me in a closet for admiring young stable boys! And my employers are behind me a 100%! Also, 100 miles! I AM THE FAVORITE NEW FAMILY DRAMA STAR! And through that family drama, I WILL SET MYSELF AMONGST THE GODS!!! Oi, where you going?! Come back here and continue the interview, you sad gonad!"

Pak' n' Save Henderson's manager Matt Lal confirmed the actor had been caught. "I don't want to dwell on this further, because I have a life. We have quite a high number of shoplifting incidents, like any other retail outlet. But unlike every other customer we don't watch him. I mean, he's shit enough on TV..."

STOP PRESS:

CHIP JAMISON DECLARES JIHAD ON ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WHO SAYS OR EVEN THINKS THAT HE WILL PLAY BEN CHATHAM IN THE DWADS!

THE CHASER'S WAR ON... CHATHAM!

The most famous Australian comedy team in the history of anything ever revealed today that one of their recurring comedy characters is based on Ben Chatham!

"Yeah, it's Clive The Slightly Too Loud Commuter," Andrew Hansen, songwriter, impressionist and closested Doctor Who fan reveals. "I logged onto OG one day and pissed myself laughing at this... incredibly useless little loser. We're so desperate for material each week, I decided to create Ben The Texting Tosser. The idea was that I'd wear a blond wig, stripped to the waste and hang around outside the ABC texting secret government organizations and telling them Kerry O'Brian was running an illegal druid nightclub determined to replace humanity with GM crops, before bursting into tears that the guy I was stalking didn't love me.

"Craig liked the idea, but thought texting wasn't good for the 'WTF' Candid Camera vibe. So, we decided Ben would have agonized phone calls in public. But then Colin thought that after the first time, all the angst about Chavs and women and degrees wasn't funny - plus, I was worried about getting a chest infection going topless around Sydney. So we gave it to Chris, because we hate him, and he decided that the homophobic stuff wasn't funny, and better to have this nerdy guy making loud phone calls to sex lines, drug dealers and APEC.

"So, we beat him up, because we hate Chris and renamed the character Clive. It was a sensible decision in the end. I mean, after the Who fan song last year, I still get blanked by fans just because I called them all fat, mindless, continuity-obsessed, merchandise-collecting emotional retards with stupid voices. I mean, making Ben Chatham canonical? I'm no fucking martyr! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to do a spoof of "I Fought The Law And The Law Won" for when Chas and Julian get banged in the slammer for the whole motorcade thing."

STOP PRESS:

ABSOLUTELY NO MENTION OF BEN CHATHAM WILL OCCUR IN THE NEW SERIES OF "THE SARAH JANE ADVENTURES" SINCE, ACCORDING TO GARETH ROBERTS AND RTD, "WHO THE FUCK'S BEN CHATHAM?"

THE LINDIG VALLEY MYSTERY MYSTERY

Although we are still who-knows-how-long from the date where the synopsis for the next comic strip is released, at least two brain cells on the planet Earth have wondered what will occur in it? Rumor has it, The Lindig Valley Mystery will be about a mysterious valley in Lindig, while other sources are confident Ben Chatham will appear in it. Whether or not Chiara, Tara, Katie Ryan, Abby or anyone previously established in the series will bother to turn up is unknown, but many believe the villain will be a pathetic rip off of a Doctor Who baddie circa 1976, the plot will be resolved by an outside agency with a dues ex machina, and Ben Chatham will have sweet FA to do with said resolution, but most likely take credit anyway. As for the comic strip adaption, reliable sources believe it will be a Multi Chatham adventure...

There is still no news on Zorklord's Adobe Publishing version of The Ben Chatham Annual 2007 which features all the Ben Chatham synopsis printed in hot pink against a black background illustrated with lots of photos of Adam Rickitt. All we can confirm is that the seminal works Nothing Too Serious, Saving Private Absinthe, Ben Does a Poo, The Decadence Society and Chatham the Scumbag's Excellent Adventure are not to be included as they are "cheap parodies" which "don't impress!"

The new stories so far in the annual are The Living Picture, The Sun Goblet of Sacrosan, The Zranti Beast, The Zombie Kids of Death and The Cult of Quexecostal. So, on the plus side we're not missing anything if the annual is never completed.

STOP PRESS:

THERE ARE NO OTHER REFERENCES TO BEN CHATHAM CAUSE NO ONE KNOWS OR CARES WHO HE IS!

TOTALLY RANDOM CHATHAM REFERENCE IN AMERICAN WEBCOMIC!!


ERRATA
The last public statement by Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones, the instigator of Ben Chatham, contained three errors: "These cheap parodies of my work don't impress!". For a start, these paradoies are very expensive in terms of human cost to both readers and writers, with great psychological repair being done. Secondly, the source material does not legally constitute "work" as it is unpaid, unwanted, unedited and shithouse. Thirdly, we refer anyone to NickB. That one where the Darklord has to deal with the upset villagers over whether or not the dead sheep was a necessary sacrifice, this guy is GOOD! As Dylan Moran would say, "He come here on a PLANE, you cunts." We'd apologize for any embarrasment or inconvenience we've caused, but frankly we don't give a shit.