22 Dissolution

4.2 - Dysentery

Having beaten Ben Chatham to the point he is a strange collage of blond hair, blood and bone, the Doctor lands the TARDIS, but it has gone no further than Colchester in the late 1530s.

“We can dump him here, go back to 2009 and he’ll have been dead for like ages!” Donna enthuses, and the Doctor happily notes that Donna missed her true calling in life – becoming a Lonely Assassin/Weeping Angel of mass destruction.

“You really have the hips for it,” the Doctor muses as together they roll the pulpy remains of Ben out into the grass. They discover the TARDIS has landed under a tree from which the body of an abbot hangs, feet scraping the top of the police box.

Donna wonders if this is some good omen.

The Doctor recognizes the corpse as the Abbot of St John’s Abbey, and since they are in 1537ish, that means all Monasteries are being dissolved by Henry VIII! Donna panics, thinking that Henry VIII is some kind of Blob-monster that uses corrosive acid on church-type places.

Together they run off to the monastery, leaving Ben sobbing in pain.

They arrive at the monastery to find it being ransacked by soldiers and no cool alien mesomorphic parasites. Cromwell’s Inspector meanwhile is making up on the spot allegations that the Abbey is a haven of sin, degradation, cock-fighting, clown molestation, drug use, steroid-development and zebra farming!

The monks’ protestations that they are a bunch of sexless losers who like dressing up in cowls and male bonding are ignored.

The Doctor however, finds something suspicious about the Inspector. The way he’s wearing a strange hood that only reveals his glowing red eyes, weeds sprouting from under his feet. Donna recognizes the doom-laden tribal Murray Gold drum beat and explains that the Inspector is a certain Damian Satan.

“Blimey,” says the Doctor comradely. “I didn’t know you could time travel!”

“It’s a perk,” Satan explains and explains that he and Henry VIII are great mates and is more than willing to get the King to provide meals for “Time’s Homies”. Donna points out that going out to dinner while innocents suffer does create something of a moral question mark.

“The Bhudda said life is suffering,” Satan points out, shooting a monk with a crossbow. “I’m just confirming Eastern philosophy and spreading theological tolerance. Plus, you won’t believe how few calories are in roast suckling pigs, Aitkens Diet can go fuck itself...”

Using some goat’s blood and chanting “Peggy Sue” backwards, Satan magically transports the Doctor and Donna to Hampton Court, a small suburban district in Melbourne notable for the famous and wacky Kelly Family who live at number 28.

Donna is slightly put out that a sixteenth century English monarch is sharing a flat with a wacky and idiotic secretary called Betty, but the Doctor tells her to “just go with it” or it’ll spoil the whole feel.

Satan invites himself into the flat and the King greets them warmly. However, it rapidly becomes obvious he is half-insane from endless conversations with Betty about whether or not W counts as a vowel because it is “Double-U”, and she has misplaced his tickets to the Rugby Lead grand finale.

The Doctor suggests they watch the result on the news and just pretend that they were really there, so he, Donna, Satan and Henry VIII dress up in scarves, beanies and football rattles as they get on the couch, ready for the news. Despite going to all the trouble of putting their fingers in their ears and shouting “Lalalalalaa!” over the newscaster, the whole thing is ruined when Betty returns and absently tells them who won and what the score was.

Henry VIII screams a lot and swears to ensure history will never record his incredibly embarrassing ninth wife, in fact, he intends to edit out the fact he ever LIVED in Australian suburbia!

At this point the Doctor breaks the fourth wall entirely by reminding children that now this bad bit of research has been retconned away, they are under no circumstances to post scathing reviews on Outpost Gallifrey, because it’s explained. Honest.

We return to what we shall refer to as “the plot” and discover that the salmon-liver pate Henry VIII has been nibbling on is, in fact, the litter of Betty’s pet budgerigar, and this has caused him to not only go mad but also triggered intense dysentery!

At this point Donna breaks the fourth wall to remind everyone that the episode title has now been explained and justified.

The insane, gastro-enteritic monarch starts accusing the Doctor and Donna of making rude cryptic remarks about his failed marriages and becomes convinced their mocking him to the point he threatens to “put their fucking heads through the fucking wall” unless they stop.

Henry VIII then decides to use all the wealth gained by dissolving the monasteries to hire a hitman and take out Betty in a most violent and brutal method possible and dials up his friend, Olly “Chainsaw” Cromwell to do the deed.

Satan decides that he and his pals really better get going. The king waves dismissively as they leave, before hacking off his index finger, eating it and singing “I’m getting married in the morning...”

The trio return to Colchester and discover all the rebel monks have fled after Ben Chatham ran into them and demanding they ruffle his blond locks. Indeed, they have retreated to the North and begun the Pilgrimage of Grace And Ben Chatham Sucks movement.

The Doctor, annoyed at such a fundamental interference in history, uses a sonic screwdriver to make a poker red hot and then rams so far up Ben’s smoothe ass, smoke comes out of the idiot’s mouth.

The King’s Guards wince and wander off, shaking their heads and saying, “Uncool, man, uncool!”

The Doctor decides they cannot allow Ben to hang around corrupting the order of creation, so Donna rams another skewer down Ben’s throat, allowing them to pick up either end and carry him off to the TARDIS, like a pig on a spit.

As they enter the time machine, Ben, with difficulty, demands they stay in this major historical event.

“Why?” Donna asks.

“It’s a fascinating subject.”

“Don’t fascinate me.”

“Chav.”

“Oi!” Donna shouts and headbutts Ben so hard he slides off one of the skewers, flipping backwards and ending up falling face-down onto the top of the hatstand and getting it stuck in his throat.

The Doctor and Donna stare at the upside down archaeology student as he jerks and twitches atop the hatstand, shake their heads and say in unison, “What a total wanker!”

The End