24/25 - From the Depths/Reptillian Dawn

4.4 - Swab the Decks
4.5 - Rapscallion Yawn


A body is washed up on a Norfolk beach, horribly mutilated. The beachcomers point, laugh, pass water over the corpse and then cook it on a barbecue with lots of lemon and pineapple, consume it, get food poisoning and die horribly.

It's a domestic incident. Happens every day.

A similarly domestic incident shows the TARDIS reappearing miles away in Norwich where the Doctor eagerly starts his vacation by running into Norich Cathedral and takes a lecture on gothic architecture. Seven hours into the lecture, the Doctor realizes that gothic architecture is the most boring fucking topic in the history of everything ever and shouts very loudly at the learned speaker to "GET A SPACKING LIFE, YA BIG LOSER JOBBY!" before laughing insanely and running out again.

Donna, meanwhile, twigged to the nature of the lecture after thirty seconds and so wanders around the town spraypainting her tag onto walls and convenient blank spaces. Finally a penniless tramp offers to buy her lunch at a cafe if she stops graffiti-ing the side of his box with the words "Donna Mess Wit Donna".

Donna accepts and over a club sandwhich and chips, the tramp explains he hitchhiked his way to Norwich from the coastal town of Hunstanton. He explains that creatures stalk the streets at night for lots of kinky sex fun and all the swingers from Brancaster Bay turn up at the little town expecting a bitching orgy to occur. The tramp looks forward to next mass shagathon, before Donna points out he's actually got as far away from the town as possible and so will most likely miss it.

The tramp starts swearing so loudly that two members of the Norwhich Under-Marshall Brigade of National Utilitized Trooper Squad (or NUMBNUTS) turn up, grab the tramp from the table, bundle him into the car and start to beat him to death with stale French loaves.

This rather bizarre practise is a domestic incident. It happens every day.

Putting it behind her, Donna meets up with the Doctor who has organized a small army of Cradle of Filth fans to petition Norwich Cathedral. "They want Gothic?" the Doctor sneers. "We'll give them fucking Gothic..."

Just then a vaguely familiar blond figure runs down the street towards them, waving his hands in the air and screaming, "Doctor! Wait! I HAVE A FIRST FROM CAMBRIDGE!"

The Doctor and Donna look at the approaching lunatic and idly try to remember where they've seen him before, and realize that at the last moment it is actually Ben Chatham, the Smoothe Assassin. The duo scramble inside the TARDIS and take off before Ben can reach them.

As the police box fades from existance, Ben starts screaming and rolling around on the ground, beating it with his fists and crying.

In a refined way.

The TARDIS fetches up in Brancaster Bay, seconds later, and Donna explains how apparently there's a two week non-stop sex rampage about to start any minute. The Doctor and Donna immediately run outside with gay abandon... and gay agenda... only to discover to their horror...

It's just a coastal town with nothing interesting there at all!

"What's the world coming to, when you can't trust the word of a brain-fried tramp when they tell you about orgies!" Donna complains.

At something of a loose end, the TARDIS crew decide to check out the local branch of the Mysterious Excavations And Power Supply Enterprises and search for trouble and mischief to be had. On the way there, they meet ex-pat comedian Craig Ferguson, who bemoans the fact that all his local fishermen routines are now 'so five minutes ago' now MEAPS have cordoned off the area, and has taken to venting his frustrations by illegally dumping chemicals off Suicidal Insanity Cove so he can ruin their secret research into whether or not molluscs have sex lives.

The Doctor points out this is kind of illegal, and so decides to build a stealth submarine and lay a cunning trap to stop Ferguson from damaging the environment and trying to rescue his career from the burning ruins of the Drew Carey show. As the Scottish comedian sneaks away from the village, the Doctor and Donna take turns in trying to inflate a hovercraft, until they both get dizzy from oxygen starvation.

Finally, Donna gives up and decides to book into a bed and breakfast in the village and hopefully steal some towels while the Doctor loads the TARDIS onto his inflatable raft and realizes he's forgotten the outboard motor. He thus realizes the whole thing has been a waste of time and rings Ferguson on his mobile and asks him to return to shore, pick up the Doctor, and then resume illegal dumping so the Doctor can ambush him and contact the EPA.

Showing criminal stupidity, Ferguson agrees and doesn't suspect a damn thing!

Unfortunately, the MEAP base has detected the illegal dumping and set up their own ambush, and soon Ferguson and the Doctor are being chased around their boat by gun-totting psychoes like the last reel of Escape from the Planet of the Apes, only with less cute chimpanzee babies being machine-gunned to death.

Sniff. Poor chimpanzee babies. Damn humanity all the way to hell.

Oh yeah, meanwhile Donna discovers the B&B is run by a bunch of wierd perverts dressed in tacky reptile costumes. "We are the Silly Lurians!" the landlady whispers sotto voce. "And the orgy's back on!"

To be continued.

Over a ploughman's lunch, Donna learns that eons ago Earth was ruled by Bilurians, ancient prehistoric reptile people with sexual appetites that make Captain Jack Harkness look like a repressed prude. The Silly Lurians are human worshippers of the Bilurians who have made an alliance with the red lust-dominatrixes, the She Devils.

Normally, the xenophobic governments of the world would have bombed these ancient terrestrials from the face of time, but each time diplomatic relations are opened with these species, it turns into a shagathon that leaves everyone so knackered and dazed that everyone forgets about the reptile people and act like aliens don't exist, thus preserving story continuity and proving how fucking moronic people in Doctor Who can be.

I'm sorry, if I was in a Doctor Who story and I knew about an ancient race of sex-obsessed reptiles, I might mention the fact in polite coversation, even IF the story is more concerned about the fact that this is the first contact with alien life. Cause I already knew about it. I mean, how drunk are these people? Oh, you fall over backwards for fucking Toclafane, but the Ambassadors from Mars, no one remembers them... Torchwood is worse! They just suffer through a Cyberman invasion and still have to wonder if aliens exist! Are all Welsh so retarded? Like that estate agent who beats up Weevils and loves nothing more than to say, appropos of nothing, that there is a dark nothingness hurtling towards Cardiff. Yeah, probably a fucking script editor, you morons!

This is MY blog and I can wander off topic as much as I fucking like!

Right.

Where was I?

Oh right. Yeah. The Doctor dumps Ferguson overboard, screaming "You sucked in Red Dwarf!" and immediately surrenders to MEAP and uses a diabolic spell to summon up the CEO, Damian Satan to convince the troopers not to kill him.

As he radiates pure evil and the sea turns to blood, Satan points out that the Doctor would never be so un-eco-friendly as to dump chemicals and generally gets everyone to calm down and talk like proper human beings.

Suddenly lots of She Devils jump over the side of the ship and storm the boat, killing all the non-speaking crewmembers in a ruthlessly reptillian and erotic manner which immediately swarmed all over youtube before BBC Wales got out their still-warm-from-the-last-time-it-was-used jihad and stopped it all.

The Doctor insists that one crappy Scot comedian illegally dumping chemicals off the coast in some forgotten plot thread is not a good enough reason to annihilate mankind, even if the seas are being polluted. Unfortunately, the She Devils have taken to dominate the orgy of peace and royally screw mankind like the whore it is, allowing these easily forgotten other races to reclaim Earth and prevent irrepsonsible Scottish bastards from ruining the Norfolk skyline.

Meanwhile, Donna has some toast. I know this isn't incredibly interesting, but she doesn't do much in this episode, so I note it whenever it happens.

Meanwhile again, Silly Lurians escort the Bilurians and She Devils as they storm the Norfolk coast and decide that they should not waste their libidos on simple fishing folk. Instead they will go for a relentless march towards Norwich in the mistaken belief that the lecture on gothic architecture being held is just code for the biggest blistering sex olympics outside a Blake's 7 fanfic.

Ben Chatham meanwhile is hiding in a disused warehouse after his last attempt to phone UNIT and Torchwood lead to him being hunted across the world. Again. In fact, he's starting to get the distinct impression that western civilization is not willing to forgive him being a total arsehole just because of his freakishly hairless washboard abs. He goes outside to compose some poetry, and sees a red, oiled, busty sexy She Devil and screams in horror at such estrogen.

The She Devil screams back and the two run away in opposite direction.

The Doctor and Donna decide to stop the reptillian army from walking into the Norwich Cathedral coma convention by spraying them with love gas composed of vodka, mustard gas, and the ground up remains of Chris Chin-Balls. Using this gas and a cigarette lighter, the aroused army loses total control and do it again and again and again and again until they collapse into a state of happy lethargy.

UNIT forces arrive and are incredibly disappointed to discover they missed all the throbbing, illegal sex. A MEAP paramilitary force arrives and suffer a similar wave of crushing depression. The two forces argue over whether they should wait for the Bilurian hordes to awake horny or do it to them now while they're asleep.

At that moment, Ben Chatham runs towards them stark naked, screaming that he knew that all really loved him for his upper class refinement, smoothe chest and unspecific and generally useless qualifications.

Brigadier Ashton crosses himself and wails, "Not this looney again!"

The MEAP group pre-empts the story conclusion by spraying the set, er, area, with nerve gas. Every drops dead - the Silly Lurians, the Bilurians, the She Devils and hundreds of randy Norfolk folk. Unfortunately, the nerve gas has no effect on Ben who continues to skip over the hoardes of dead bodies and Brigadier Ashton finally shoots himself through the head.

Ben is concerned... for about six seconds and then skips off again.

Meanwhile, the Doctor, Donna and Satan look at the massacre and brood that all in all the outcome is a bit of a bummer. Luckily, Satan plays golf with every single member of the press and politicians and vow to ensure the PM makes Ben Chatham public enemy number one.

Ben arrives and Donna headbuts him until his skull caves in under the pressure. The Doctor and Donna furiously return to the TARDIS and take off, slamming the door and accidentally trapping the tip of Ben's knob in the door. Ben Chatham nee Castrato screams in E flat as the TARDIS takes off, dragging him with it.

Inside, Donna notes a curious pink thing in the door jam and the Doctor slices it loose with the sonic screwdriver and muses that Ben Chatham is a deadly threat to the world and will need careful pummelling and a liquid cosh.

Then he gets bored and he and Donna watch a repeat of Neighbours on the scanner while, outside, Ben's hysterical screams are lost over the hoots and howls of the space time vortex. "NUZZINK IN ZE WORLD CAN SMOOTHE ME NOW!" he squeals.

The End.