23 Road Rage

4.3 - Toad Beige

The TARDIS re-materializes in a forest whereupon the doors open and a concussed Ben Chatham is hurled out the doors followed by Donna who kicks him repeatedly in the ribs until he rolls into the bushes.

The Doctor emerges with the soiled hatstand and then hands it to Donna, who smashes it over Ben until it is nothing but firewood and then sets the firewood on fire.

Much refreshed, Donna and the Doctor join hands and skip off into the forest ignoring the gurgling croaks from the bushes.

The Doctor bumps into an incredibly cut, barely-legal-looking hottie he recognizes as Sally Sparrow, but it is in fact Sparrow Girl, the New-Age Eco-Warrior, Sally’s third cousin from Peckham.

Sparrow Girl welcomes the Doctor and Donna to her army of hot girl lovers who have set up a major anti-roads protest in Binfield Woods. The New-Age Eco-Warriors have avowed to protect the forests for lots of hot nude teenage girl hippy frolicking, and about the entire male population of England are right behind them. Often with webcams. And, for the gay ones, fashion tips.

The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to warm up their soy burgers and Donna asks just what the protestors are worried about. Sparrow Girl explains that a private company, Mysterious Excavations And Power Supply Enterprises, is building a massive bypass through the ancient woods in a PPI scheme. When pressed, however, everyone admits they have no idea what a PPI scheme IS, and munch their burgers in thoughtful silence as they cogitate.

Some of the new age nudists discover the badly burned, possibly septic remains of Ben and offer to help heal him. Ben screams in horror at their naked female (and above all, unsmoothe) forms and runs off in the forest wailing insensibly.

Ben stumbles across the main encampment and then screams “ARGH! UNHYGENIC ENCAMPMENT! MUST FIND FIVE STAR HOTEL!” and runs off again. Sparrow Girl asks the Doctor if he understood that, but the Doctor just shakes his head and finishes his burger.

The Time Lord decides the best way to resolve this problem is to contact the MEAPS Director and try and talk it all out and uses a few spring onions and a goat’s skull to summon Damian Satan.

Ben arrives at the local village where a travelling circus arrives “to steal the coins from dead men’s eyes” and show off their wonderful display of haunted mirrors, incestuous vampire twins, were-pigeons and a werewolf drag act striptease. There are also a petting zoo of creatures composed of mutated vegetable matter.

Ben, disgusted at the vulgarity of the clearly heterosexual female ringmaster, releases the creatures screaming, “FORWARD MY ARMY OF CHAV-EATERS! FORRWAAAAAARD!” and the monsters immediately run off into the woods at top speed as they sense their relatives...

Unfortunately, the relatives are the major ingredient of soy burgers, and when they arrive in the woods, the creatures go psycho crazy and charge the protestors!

Taking by surprise just when negotiations with Satan going so well, the creatures storm the site and start to messily devour the teenagers in ridiculously huge amounts of gore. Donna begs Satan to help them, but accidentally spills some arrowroot on the magic potion and thus contacts Ben instead.

Ben cheerfully notes that his plan is working – crusty, long-haired, unemployed anti-capitalist protestors will be brutally slaughtered, leaving only white gay men alive!

After hurling some abuse at him, Donna hangs up.

The Doctor urges the survivors into the TARDIS and the creatures storm the village. Luckily, most of the villagers have fled with the travelling circus and soon Ben is under siege by his former allies.

Desperately, Ben contacts UNIT, but simply gets passed from commanding officer to commanding officer, and each other bursts out laughing at the idea they might be at the beckon call of such a loser.

The creatures storm the hotel room and consume Ben...

The Doctor releases the surviving protestors and finishes negotiations with Satan. In return for movie rights of the nude woodland frolics of hot teenage girls, the Woods will be spared.

After getting some congratulations, voodoo dolls and a quick game of “guess where my piercing is”, the Doctor and Donna return to the TARDIS and head on their merry way. “Soyanara!” the Doctor says cheerfully, and Donna elbows him in the ribs for the dreadful pun.

As the TARDIS dematerializes, Sparrow Girl hopefully notes that, at last, things are finally sorted out.

Meanwhile, in the hotel room, the battered and bloody Ben Chatham struggles free from the dead weeds of his attackers. His 200% proof blood alcohol level has proved lethal to the plants.

Ben Chatham WILL return...

The End – Or Is it? Yes, Actually.