28 - The Imperfect

4.8 - The Prefect

Wracking his brains for someone or something that can possibly rid him of his retarded archaeologist stalker, the Doctor decides to pilot the TARDIS to the planet Ictar Three in the Andromedan Galaxy.

Unfortunately, the TARDIS is doomed to remain on Earth in rural England and the Doctor collapses into despair as Ben lounges around the TARDIS and quaffing absinthe. Ben tears up a signed first edition of Erich von Daniken's "Chariots of the God" and mocks and jeers the theories printed within that Stonehedge, the Pyramids, Easter Island and the Tate Modern are in fact remnants of alien space travelers who contacted early man.

The Doctor slowly turns to stare at Ben incredulously as he ridicules the idea that aliens exist, and anyone who says otherwise is an uncouth chav freak.

"YOU'RE IN A FUCKING TIME MACHINE PILOTED BY AN ALIEN WHO STOPS OTHER ALIENS FROM INVADING EARTH, YOU STUPID FUCKER?!? DIDN'T YOU NOTICE THAT? FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Donna screams before the Doctor can get a word out edgeways.

The Doctor thus decides to use the TARDIS to visit the last outcrop of the bug-eyed Elians, who famously constructed all the Nazca lines and ancient computers and pretty much every historical mystery not already covered by established Doctor Who continuity. Thus the time machine arrives in New Atlantis, a small village in Milton Keynes where von Daniken has the key to the city.

Ben Chatham protests that if aliens had fully integrated into humanity, he would have noticed it... and this statement oddly enough convinces Donna without doubt that the Doctor is telling the truth.

The Doctor and Donna chuck Ben out the front door where he discovers that a group of bug-eyed lizard aliens are protesting against the local council's decision to cut the budget on repairing street lights. Ben listens to their complaint for about three seconds before cutting them off and announcing the councils are tyrants obsessed with efficiency and perfection who crush dissent with execution!

The villagers protest that Ben is talking out of his arse - the council aren't some corrupt oligarchy, just some ordinary people who work in local government.

Ben ignores them and is horrified to discover that all the aliens are linked by some strange computer technology. Despite their protests that they just use mobile phones, Ben is certain the aliens are controlled by an evil ruling Chairman Craig Sugent whose grinning face can be seen everywhere where his photo happens to be.

Ben places a notice in the post office requesting an underground rebel movement help restore free expression to Milton Keynes and prevent the business interested council from destroying all natural resources.

After fourteen months of no replies whatsoever, Ben starts a self-pitying blog and downloads some Bowie porn which carries a crippling computer virus that causes the village to be isolated from the rest of the internet.

Ben runs into the town square and eagerly waits for a mass rebellion to occur now the network infrastructure of the authorities has fallen!

Nine days later, there is still no rebellion and the Council has not resigned. In fact, the Doctor used the sonic screwdriver to fix the street light so everyone is happy and there is no reason for them to go apeshit. Ben realizes he has wasted the whole episode and furiously storms the Council chamber and demands the Mayor introduce more tougher laws that will stamp out all the lower classes.

At first Ben wants to force the villagers to stage a rebellion for him to lead, then decides he'd much rather enjoy underserved privilege and luxury and laugh as he builds his success on the misery of others.

The police escort Ben off the premesis where the Doctor and Donna take turns in gutting his skull with a sonic screwdriver. In the background, Damian Satan pops into existance shouts "HEY, STORY ARC!" and then vanishes again...

The End