Exclusive: The NEW Ben Chatham!!

STOP PRESS!!

"CAMBRIDGE DEGREES OF SEPARATION"

It was revealed today that Adam Rickitt will no longer be playing the most detested and despised Doctor Who-related character in the history of everything ever: Ben Chatham. Of course, he never actually played the role in the first place, but he wants to drag his career from a bizarre repeating meme on Outpost Gallifrey.

After three years of constantly being dragged into flamewars on the forum in his incredibly moronic, anti-social bipolar wanker, Adam Rickitt made this unsurprising announcement as he cleaned the toilets in a New Zealand branch of McDonalds as he awaited his big break:

"I am so fucking sick and tired of being connected with a pustulent sore inflicted on such a successful show. I don't give a pair of fetid dingoes kidneys if that cunt Ben Chatham even survives without having me used as some kind of biological template! If my face, voice, or even body hair is ever connected with the character ever again I will sue the BBC until civilization itself collapses! Now fuck off, I need to clean out the chicken nugget vats..."

It was decided by the Powers That Have No Clue How Television Works, to recast the role of Ben Chatham and use a new actor so totally clueless they would not notice or understand the fact their likeness was being used to portray a woman-hating bipolar homophobe - and for the last thirteen seconds, rumors have circulate about the new Chatham including...

• Lee Williams
• Joe Absolom
• Bruno Langley
• Rory Jennings
• The guy who played the Borad in Timelash
• Jonas Armstrong
• Jon Culshaw as any/all of the above
• Nigel Verkoff

The producers remained tight lipped (partially due to the Pulp Fiction-style sodomy mouth gags they wear for reasons it is best not to go into). They admit that the season finale of the Doctor Who Puts Up With Shit From Ben Chatham thirteen-part miniseries featured a cameo by new star and "if you haven't already notice you're a stupid fucking bastard who deserves to get nailed to the table with live cockroaches rammed up your arse".

Using our keen journalistic skills we just looked This Story Arc Is Fucked Up and discovered the ungodly truth about the new Ben Chatham taking over - and are pleased to confirmed that the actor taking over from Adam Rickitt is, like Rickitt, young, cute, blonde, doe-eyed, moronic, alcoholic, empty-headed and the less said about their singing career, the better. Plus, the new lead is held in low esteem by the public and lacks even the most miniscule of brain cells that they wouldn't understand the problem of being associated with Ben Chatham in the first place, let alone sue over it!

The third incarnation of Ben Chatham (after Adam Rickitt and a brief cameo by Matt Lucas before we decided we couldn't hate him that much) is...

BRITNEY SPEARS!

The latest enfleshment of absinthe soaked snobbery took over from Rickitt in the climatic scenes of This Story Arc Is Fucked Up, between the rip off of The Changes and the David Bowie cameo.

Having had the shit kicked out of him once to often, Ben Chatham used the awesome powers of the Groovy 1980s Lightning Globe to regenerate his body into a new form, but tragically was such a stupid git he made his new body look like Britney Spears instead of the desired result (a younger Adam Rickitt).

Britney herself was briefly sober enough during her thirteen-minute marriage to the pizza delivery boy today for her to give the following police statement while she was arrested for drunk and disorderly, driving under the influence, cradle snatching, public nudity, and being resposible for "Hit Me Baby, One More Time!":

"I'm like, so totally thrilled about being Doctor Who, cause that is so cool in British land at the moment and it's so cool to be, like, totally part of it. I haven't decided what scarf to wear or anything, but I'm so totally excited and want to find out why that blue phone box is in every scene. I mean, can phone boxes move by themselves? I don't think so! And apparently the role means lots of empty plastic liquid bottles are needed to make space ships, and I'm happy to drink as much as I need to keep them supplied with empty plastic liquid bottles. Apparently, this role causes deep psychological scarring issues, but my agent would never let me be part of something that would screw up. What exactly are "chavs", anyway? Oh fuck it, I forgot to wear panties again. I thought it was getting cold in here..."

Work has already begun on Britney's first full-length story as Benita "Ben" Chatham, entitled The Living Bitch-Whore, to be aired online at some point after 06 July, 2003. However, the new season of six incredibly predictable, earth-based adventures with UNIT and Touchwood arriving to save the day every single time, has hit complications after Britney fell pregnant after sleeping with the entire cast of The Living Bitch-Whore, causing the writing team to spend a full minute writing this ever-growing development into the series.

Thus, each installment will now end with a public appeal by the new star herself...

The Living Bitch-Whore will be uploaded to the blog as soon as we have nothing better to do.