27 - Acorn Man

4.7 - A Porn Fan

Our story opens on the TARDIS console set. Donna awakes and dresses as she recites a monologue of how her luck is so screwed she travels with a man who'd never sleep with her and a man she'd have to be dead three days from a failed brain removal operation to even kiss.

However, Donna realizes that there is no sign of Ben Chatham at all, and deduces he must have run out the doors and off-stage, where a field is. Happily, she skips and prances before suddenly slamming the doors and shouting for the Doctor to help her dematerialize as quick as they can.

Donna is puzzled when the Doctor does not return and wonders what she will do on her own. (The audience hurl some suggestions at her, and five minutes of unscripted banter and abuse occur as Donna snarls, "Welcome to sophisticated fucking Cardiff!" and spits on a heckler). Just then, Ben Chatham emerges from a trunk in the corner and gets stroppy at the lack of applause before accusing the audience of being drunken Welsh chav scum, at which point a beer bottle is thrown at his head.

Fleetingly returning to the script, Ben and Donna discuss the Doctor's absense and suggest using the TARDIS scanner to try and locate him. There follows about ten minutes of working out which button works the scanner, lots of digressions into what other buttons do, and moments where Ben and Donna insult each other over their being very unprofessional in a BBC Wales stage production, followed by well choreographed violence care of Rik Mayall and Jackie Chan.

This merriment is cut short when a flute tootling 'Sunshine' by Spiderbait is heard. Ben starts to feel dizzy, and Donna mocks his intake of fifteen pints before coming on stage. "At least it wasn't pints of absinthe!" Ben double-intendres, causing the audience to groan and look nauseus. Donna reminds Ben that they are here to perform a serious bit of televisual excellence, not make in jokes to Ben Chatham giving blow jobs to any young men who claim to study history at polytechnic.

Another fight scene occurs, and Ben is knocked unconscious by Donna using various convenient props whose use has already been foreshadowed earlier in the play. Meanwhile, on kirby wires, a scruffy young man is slowly lowered onto stage, leading to the typical "He's behind you!" whereupon Donna hurls abuse at the audience as "This play is art! Not a fucking pantomime!"

She turns around and meets the scruffy young man who explains he is Andrew Beeblebrox and is hoping to borrow some toothpaste after his Ribina experiment went horribly wrong and turned all his teeth and fingernails black. The two of them head off stage into the heart of the TARDIS to brush his teeth, and provide some more dirty twists on "thorough seeing-to" "grip the end and make up and down motions" and "it's been a while, do you have any condoms?"

Maybe that last one was a single entendre.

Anyway, moving on, Ben Chatham sits up and starts to prance around the stage making odd clucking noises. He explains he now thinks the TARDIS is a stables and runs around looking for some young stablehand with a PHD in particle physics for him to violently seduce. However, all he can find is a girl apparently sleeping under the the time vector generator.

Ben starts screaming that this is private bloody property and roughly wakes her up. He then screams and describes to the audience in graphic detail that the eyes have been gourged out. The girl, Eve Markson, baffled, notes that her eyes are fine. She just put a bit too much mascara on, giving her panda eyes. At this point Ben starts screaming "WHORE OF BABYLON! SHE'S LUNGING AT ME!" at her and runs around the room three times before hyperventilating and passing out. Eve shrugs and goes back to sleep.

Donna and the cleaned-teeth Andrew return to the control room and find Ben unconscious, exactly the same as when they left, and so think nothing of it. Andrew explains that he has taken up the hobby of counting acorns, but as he lives in Australia, has never seen an acorn and thus assumes them to be incredibly rare.

Suddenly Ben jumps up and starts crying he's in the middle of a busy city street and staggers towards the edge of the stage until the audience's screams convince Donna and Andrew to drag him bark, warning "That way lies fucking ol' Cardiff town!" and noting a lot of Torchwood fans seems to be in the audience, prompting Andrew to sneer, "Piss off and shag each other!"

Ben suddenly runs into an invisible brick wall and falls over, nauseous and unable to speak. All around, he hears laughing as his pathetic acting performance is rewarded by torrents of rotten vegetables!

Meanwhile, Donna, Eve and Andrew leave stage to get to the theatre bar before the audience get there, and so get all the good booze first. Ben struggles to follow them, begging for absinthe, and Eve kicks him repeatedly in the head until he lets go of her. Lights out.

INTERVAL

We open on an incredibly cheap black void where, framed by a blue spotlight sits the Doctor, insisting with an unseen voice that he is the Last of the Time Lords, the Lonely God, the Oncoming Storm and Nice Guy If You're A Biped (old Dustbin saying), and he does not appear in amateur pornographic movies.

"But I know this guy who does," the Doctor adds craftily, "Big, butch, American, camper than an entire Carry On film festival, answers to the name of Jack..."

The voice insists it has chosen the Doctor to appeal to the female market, since his weazel-like features are forever associated with looneys, lotharios and leg overs. The Doctor is chuffed but threatens to summon up all of his mental energy... then he gets bored and decides to agree to appear in the dirty film, since he's got nothing better to do.

An evil peel of laughter rolls around the stage while the Doctor yawns and asks for his own trailer with cheese and sundried tomato toast.

The lights come up, dispelling the incredibly cheap black void to reveal the TARDIS control room as a very drunk Donna, Eve and Andrew stumble onto stage. While Eve quietly throws up in the trunk, Andrew passes out in an unscripted prat fall that breaks Ben's leg. Donna kicks him until he shuts up and stumbles around the place, trying to remember where in the plot they were up to.

There is a knock at the doors and the Doctor stumbles in wearing a curly blonde wig, a black leather corset and fishnet stockings. His lack of skill with lipstick however, has made all his teeth red. "OOooh!" says the Doctor before explaining he is now to appear in the new porn film "Doctor Who Does Dallas!" and pulls from behind his back a meat cleaver Donna asked him to sharpen.

"Great!" belches Donna, and throws it over her shoulder, pointedly ignore the sound of Ben screaming and complaining "You got a major artery, you fucking slag! Get me an ambulance! Oh, God! Please!"

The Doctor and Donna stagger off stage as Andrew and Eve help the crippled and bleeding Ben collapse into the pilot seat. Then, taking suggestions from the audience, they kick him repeatedly in the ribs and then exchange Benny Hill catchphrases as they beat him unconscious with cricket bats and spades.

"Somebody save me!" sobs Ben through shattered nasal cartelidge.

With the sound of a thousand screaming souls in torment, Damian Satan arrives, does a Mohammed Ali shuffle and drags the crippled Ben by the ear lobe off stage as he protests this isn't funny any more and he demands to speak with the director...

The Doctor, Donna and a cameraman called Dave arrive and with Eve as clapper girl and Andrew working the boom mike, they prepare to film the first scene of the new porn film with the Doctor playing the part of Rose Tyler and Donna playing the part of The Strange Professor Who Doesn't Infringe Copyright Laws.

However, the first take is ruined when the stars complain about the paltry dialogue...

EXCLUSIVE REPRODUCTION OF THE ENTIRE SHOOTING SCRIPT OF
DOCTOR WHO DOES DALLAS

STRANGE PROFESSOR WHO DOESN'T INFRINGE COPYRIGHT LAWS: You will submit.
ROSE TYLER: Never.
STRANGE PROFESSOR WHO DOESN'T INFRINGE COPYRIGHT LAWS: Aw.

At this point the director storms the set shouting that the second half of the play is very nearly over and these people paid to see some inter-species transvestite shagging and since none of them are replaceable, they better stick to the plot or else they're all back on the scrapheap.

However, Donna realizes that the director is not in fact RTD but Nigella Jay Verkoff, the Southern Hemisphere's leading Black Magician who recently gatecrashed Parkinson trying to cop a feel off Emily Fox. Andrew snatches a sprig of woodbine and three acorns from Nigel's hand and is annoyed to discover Acorn counting is dull as dental decay.

Unfortunately, "Black Magician" meant "One Who Practises Black Magic" rather than some politically incorrect buzzword, and so the dark forces of Bhindi Badjgi and Tarka Dahl rise up from the shadow dimensions, grab Nigel and carry him off beyond the outskirts of eternity. As he is taken, Nigel screams that this is all a misunderstanding caused by a foil-covered potato in a microwave.

The cast and crew wonder how to fill out the next ten minutes and then decides to celebrate the porn movie vibe by performaning an impromptu cover of the Strangler song "Peaches" as the lights dim, then return to reveal a sandy overcast beach littered with discarded rubbish.

As the music continues, Satan arrives, buries Ben up to the neck and lets him be attacked by ferocious seagulls as it begins to rain blood. In the foreground, the rest of the cast take a bow to the applauding audience as Ben's screams are drowned out by the squawking gulls.


The End.