34 - The Living Picture

THE LIVING BITCH-WHORE

Life has not been easy for Ben Chatham of late.

After discovering the most exciting, thrilling and dangerous times in his whole miserable life was just an alcohol-induced hallucination, his attempt to hook up with the Doctor has left him abandoned in Wiltshire, 2009, in a body identical to that of pop icon Britney Spears. Worse, while attempting to ingratiate him/herself with David Bowie, the music legend proceeded to shoot Ben through the heart and claim it was a suicide attempt.

Ben narrowly survived the gunshot wound and, mistaken for the real Britney Spears, was sent to the Limes Clinic to prevent further suicide attempts. However, Ben quickly convinced the doctors there that she was not suicidal and would have been released if she hadn't also explained she wasn't actually Britney Spears but a young smoothe-chested archaeologist in a duplicate body accidentally created by messing around with ancient Elian technology.

Ben was declared "dangerously psychotic" and put under maximum sedation. Then the real Britney Spears arrived. Using Ben's testimony to prove she wilfully, deliberately and with complete malice of forethought used xenotech to transform herself into a duplicate of Spears, that counts a breach of image copyright. Not only was Ben officially a loon-bag, she lost every penny she owned, along with her tatty collection of Bowie CDs, and her Cambridge flat.

Ben turned desperately to her parents for help, and they were initially very supportive... until Ben convinced them she was really their son in a new body, at which point they laughed in her face and emigrated, leaving Chatham to a life of misery and medication between performances of Andrew Lloyd-Webber's musical about Little Richard - "Cosi Van Tutte Fruity: This Time It's Personal".

A year later, budget cuts allowed her to be forced back into the community with no money, job, possessions, friends or even people who knew who she was. In a rash moment, Ben wasted all the allowance she was on a Rufus Wainright album, and was left wandering the streets of Wiltshire, destitute and prostitue - except no one was willing to sleep with a Britney Spears lookalike who claims she was once a man.

One day, almost two years after the Doctor told Ben "you will never see me or the TARDIS ever again!!", Ben is delighted to hear the sound of the police box's wheezing and groaning temporal drives and weakly scampers down a road, only to discover to her horror she missed him and the TARDIS has left.

Standing near where the TARDIS stood is a slightly sad Abby Simpson, who has been travelling with the Doctor for ages and has asked for a week off to meet up with her family and ensure that they're all right.

Abby is, to say the least, taken aback when a half-naked Britney Spears staggers out of an alleyway hugging an empty bottle of absinthe and sobbing, "Come back, Doctor! You know you can't ever survive without me! My knoweldge of pre-Christian burial grounds has saved your ass like a million times!"

Using her uncanny powers of deduction, Abby realizes that Britney is in fact the regenerated form of Ben Chatham and laughs in her face. Ben's eyes fill with tears until Abby feels guilty and suggests she comes with Abby to her parent's house, Ahsley Manor named after the slightly cuter Olsen twin.

Ben is disgusted to learn Abby is only offering to put her up for the weekend and not pander to every one of the archaeologist's sordid whims and generally be a slave, but by now even Ben has realized she's not going to get a better offer and agrees.

The duo head to the ruins of Rubberglove Farm with its skeletons of unwanted horses, and get into the suspiciously pristine sports car parked outside. Ben insists Abby open the car windows and allow the summer breeze to blow through her blonde hair. Abby points out that it's autumn, and Ben sulks and puts on her "Want One" album by Rufus Wainwright on the car stereo.

Abby smiles sweetly at Ben, removes the album, throws it out the car window and reverses over it twice before driving off as a rave remix of The A-Team theme tune blares out of the speakers. "You gotta get used to the kindness of strangers," she reminds me. "And rule number one is that strangers aren't always kind."

After a travelogue montage identical to the one in The Shining, the car pulls up on the gravel drive. Abby explains that before they go in, she better discuss things with Ben. "There's something I haven't told you. I'm sure how to say things... look, my parents don't exactly enjoy snobby transsexuals boring them to death about archaeology and drinking all the booze."

Ben is confused: "Don't exactly enjoy snobby transsexuals boring them to death about archaeology and drinking all the booze?" she repeats uneasily.

"They're normal. Sorry I didn't tell you before."

"Well, you could have said something!" Ben screams at her before remembering the alternative is sleeping in a wheelie bin and quickly backtracks, "But I, uh, understand. So, you want me to be there with you for support when you tell them that I am the great Ben Chatham trapped in the body of some chav slut?"

"No, Ben, you don't understand," says Abby with a frown. "They have no idea who Ben Chatham is and even if they did, they wouldn't care - and they certainly wouldn't approve of me going out with a snobby arsehole like you."

"Don't you respect me?" Ben gasps. "Are you disrespecting me?!"

Abby thinks for a moment. "Yeah, yeah I am. Wanna make something of it?"

"No, no," says Ben quickly. "I know how you feel, Abby. I often went out with girls to please my own ridiculously closed-minded parents."

"That's an idea!" Abby brightens. "I'll tell them you're my girlfriend!"

"WHAT?!" Ben turns her head to one side, the tears welling up. "I'm gay, not a lesbian you silly bint!"

"Look, you're in a woman's body, so you craving guys makes you straight," Abby points out, making poor Ben cross-eyed working it out. "Look, you can have a separate room if you want?"

Ben sighs with dissapointment. "I'll begrudgingly accept the situation. I guess you do look good on my arm."

"And you look good on mine," Abby smiles. "But if you say that again, I'll make sure your tampons are dipped in chili sauce before you use them."

Ben's eyes widen in horror and the two of them enter the house.

There they meet Abby's loving parents, Richard and Judy, in the drawing room. Ben is totally taken aback when Abby's parents are not driven into violent hysteria when their obviously straight daughter turns up with Britney Spears as her partner. "What is wrong with you people?" she finally asks them.

"Sorry?" Judy asks and Abby elbows Ben in the stomach.

"I said, could I have a drop of brandy please?" Ben adds through gritted teeth and has a drop, followed by another, then drains the bottle in three seconds flat as the stuned Simpson family watch on in silence.

Abby awkwardly suggests they have dinner and are joined by Karl the Nazi-fetishing torturer who is interested when Abby's date is revealed to be called Ben Chatham. "I knew a Ben Charthum warnce," he muses. "A totul wankar. I much enjoyed flaying him alive. I vish I could meet him again, and finish orf da job. I so hate leafing verk unfinished, don't you?"

Showing the woozy cunning that can only come from downing a bottle of brandy in three seconds, Ben nods thoughtfully and does not give away the fact she is that same total wanker Karl very nearly tortured for death.

Karl and Abby's brother David join the others at the table and chat as dinner is served. "So Benita dear, I hear you're an archaeologist?" Judy asks.

"How udd," Karl muses. "Dat otter Ben Charthum I knew and tarmented, he vas an archaeologist as vell."

"Well, er, I'm like wanting to join the team working on the Silbury restoration," Ben says, trying to return to the topic.

"But they finished the restoration ages ago," Richard points out, frowning. "You must remember, they found all that alien technology and the remains of a Freema Agyeman android! Made all the newspapers, with all that ludditism and sex invaders..."

"Ja, it happened de day dat Ben Charthum so mysteriously dissapeared," Karl agrees.

"At least I've got a proper job!" Ben snaps. "I'm not looking after a few saggy old horses, which you then allowed to get blown up by Boord invaders, am I? And it's time you got yourself a girlfriend, Karl! Wandering around torturing young men, I bet you're queer aren't you!"

"Looking after der Shurgar and Pharlap VAS a proper job!" Karl says, hurt. "I vish people like you vould accept that Rubberglove Farm was helping the vorld in so many different and varied vays!"

"Yeah, well, I've got a degree! Can you beat that, Adolf?!"

Through a fixed grin at her parents, Abby hisses, "Ixnay! IXNAY!"

"And you can shut up as well," Ben rounds on her 'girlfriend'. "You're just one of those namby-pamby girl types! You're to be seen and slept with, definitely not heard." Ben turns to Abby's parents. "Just ignore her! But then, I bet you do already, don't you?"

David blinks. "No, but I think ignoring you might be an idea worth pursuing..."

"HAVE YOU ANY FUCKING IDEA WHO I AM?!" Ben demands.

"Britney Spears?" David offers with a shrug.

Before she can reveal her true identity and give Karl an excuse to warm up some pokers, Ben finally realizes that she has managed to make the entire household ill at ease and quietly sits back down. "Well. No. I'm not Britney Spears. But I get that a lot. Never mind me."

Ben realizes that Abby is glaring at her and quickly makes a feint for the chili sauce before Abby can grab it.

Karl looks at David and shakes his head. "Whoeffer thought dat a young girl exploring her sexuality vould lead to such obvious brain damage?" he asks sadly.

The conversation requires quite a bit of rebuilding after this, and it doesn't get any better when Richard brings up the topic of politics and Ben starts shouting that immigration must be restricted to keep the chav population down.

"Benita, dear," says Abby (who, under the table and out of view is jabbing forks into Ben's bare legs) "you seem to think we wish to hear you prejudices. Keep that pretty mouth of your closed and the diseased bigotry you call your opinions to yourself."

"Vell, I can certainly see who vears da pants in your relationships, Abby," Karl observes. "Mind you, dat otter Ben Chatham said very zimilar things. Dis is almost ooncanny, don't you think, Daffid?"

"Don't ask me, Skippy, I just live here," David shrugs.

Finally, Ben gets so appallingly drunk Abby gets Mima the maid to help carry Ben upstairs to her room. Ben realizes not only is she being manhandled by lower class servant, but a lower class servant GIRL! "YOU FUCKING POLE BITCH!" Ben screams when she learns Mima's nationality, before Abby bitchslaps her unconscious and throws Ben into the spare room.

Mima looks at Ben and tells Abby, "You could do better."

"Don't I know it," Abby sighs and they head downstairs to enjoy dinner. However, Abby's mobile starts beeping as Ben sends text message after text message to her.

"'THOSE PICTURE ON TEH STARECAES!!1111 OMG LOL THEIR SI SOMETHNG OD ABOUT THEM!!!1!!11 OMG WTF LOL DA EY3S SEM PEIRCNG AND ALMOST ALIEV!!111 WTF IMM FR3AKNG OUT!!!!1! OMG WTF LOL H3LP M3!1!!1 WTF'" Abby reads aloud, mystefied.

Sending Ben the message 'ITS JUST B/C UR A 2TAL PISS H3AD SO GO 2 SLEP U WHNGNG BITCH!1!111!1! OMG WTF' Abby then shrugs and switches off the phone.

Ben does not go to sleep but smashes up the bedroom trying to find some cognac to get wasted on. Finally a strange figure in a long black cloak unlocks the door and tells Ben that unless she keeps the noise down then there will be consequences and repurcussions that might just involve Ben being found lying face-down in a pool of her own blood. "Capische?" the cloaked wraith hisses before striding onto the landing and disappearing into one of the paintings hanging by the staircase.

Ben wonders if she's hallucinating and tests it by smashing an antique vase into lots of sharp pieces and then empties them into her panties. As her eyes water, Ben concludes she probably isn't hallucinating and she decides to text Touchwood, but their advanced technology detects it is Ben ringing up and so leaves her an insulting answering machine message:

"Hello, Ben! This is Doctor Owen Harper, and we all want you to know we think you're a loathesome little twerp and Captain Jack Harkness has given orders to the police that you be assasinated if you ring this number again. We hope in the meantime you rot in your own cum, you filthy little wanker."

Ben hangs up with a sigh.

At a loss, Ben tries to text the police, but to no avail. When she tries to actually ring the police (after hours of struggling to remember what their number is), fobs Ben off by telling them that if anyone is still alive in the morning they might send an officer around to conduct a search and some interviews. Maybe. If they're not busy. And have nothing more interesting to do.

Ben runs out of her room and then falls down the stairs and lands in a heap beside a door, having managed to fall out of her outfit altogether and showing off her no-longer-smoothe chest.

The Simpson family stare at the drunken, underwear-free slag struggling to stand up and then turn to ask Abby, "You're sure she's not Britney Spears?"

Ben incoherently rambles about the paintings and, after a while, the family realize what the fuck she's on about and then laugh at the idea. Ben is so upset that they don't believe him, she starts to cry. "My beautiful dark dreamscape eyes are filling with tears! Don't you care, Abby?!"

"Not really," Abby sighs, bored.

David sees this and whispers loudly to Karl, "Isn't that the same pick up line that other Ben Chatham used on your while you removed his gonads with a corkscrew?"

"Ja, Daffid," Karl agrees. "Das is correct. I begin to vunder if this Benita is really gay after all. I bet she has never even eaten beaver."

"I'm not going to let you idiots get to me," Ben weeps and storms upstairs again. "I suggest you all get some coffee and sober up and then give me all your alcohol!"

Suddenly two dark, faceless figures appear behind Ben and hurl her over the bannister shouting, "We said KEEP THE NOISE DOWN!"

After she crashes to the floor, the figures head down the stairs and start whacking her with cricket bats before returning back into the pictures.

"Well, fancy that," Richard deadpans. "Living pictures. Whatever next?"

The battered, bruised and bleeding Ben demands Karl and David take the lead and remove the pictures, take them out the back to be burned. However, those paintings are antiques and some pissed hooker fag hag is not going to change their minds.

Abby notes she's seen adventures like this before - mainly watching Sapphire and Steel, but a few similar things happened while she was with the Doctor. She's fairly certain that if they burn the paintings, they will truly release whatever exists inside them and that's a bad idea.

Since none of the creatures have hurt them, the Simpson family decide to call it quits and head for bed, Karl suspiciously noting that Abby is treating Ben with such contempt you could almost think it was that irritating blond twat in a different body and ominous music plays as Karl... goes to bed.

Ben shouts after Abby, "Why don't you call the Doctor and seek his advice! Like a girly twit like you could ever know anything useful or interesting! Now me, I'll do something intelligent and compassionate and heroic like, er. I know. I'll burn the house down."

Ben picks up the chili sauce she collected earlier and douses the paintings in it. While she looks for some matches in the insane belief that chili sauce burns better than petrol, the paintings go blank and five figures materialize - a Telouse Lautrec image of Tom Baker, Nude Descending a Staircase, Winston Churchill, the Mona Lisa and Giacamo Cassanova.

"At last," Nude Descending a Staircase breathes. "Someone has smeared chili sauce over these pictures, allowing us to escape from the Time Lord prison!"

"How come chili sauce unlocked our prison?" asks the Mona Lisa.

"Guess no one ever expected the prison to be attacked by chili sauce," Winston Churchill muses.

"Should we revert into our true forms of silver-clad blond haired humans with no tan and fake contact lenses?" Tom Baker suggests.

"Nah, it's way camp," Cassanova muses. "Let's just beat up Britney Spears instead!"

"I'm not Britney Spears!" Ben protests as the group close in on her.

"A likely story," the Mona Lisa sneers.

Upstairs, Abby is reading her blog for any info she might have of the painting creatures and remembers one of the Doctor's wacky after-dinner anecdotes about a race of intergalactic superrace of indestructible known as Tears for Fears, who were universally famous for their song Mad World being used in the Donnie Darko sountrack. After encountering the Doctor he went 'Family of Blood on their silver spacesuit-clad asses' (whatever that means) and imprisoned them in inanimate objects.

Tears for Fears prepare to drain Ben's cellular energy, but chicken out at the last minute for fear of all the booze and drugs they know Britney's been consuming in front of the press ever since she became famous.

Just then Abby leaps off the balcony, backflips and lands facing the aliens and then throws a bucket of sour cream over the paintings. The chili sauce and the sour cream cancel each other out, and the quintet turn into a swirl of energy that dissipates into the walls around them.

"What the fuck happened there?" Ben demands, crossing her legs for decency's sake.
"Those aliens can be imprisoned in inanimate objects, so I was trying to trap them in you," Abby explains. "Since you're the most inanimate object I know. Guess they must be trapped in the walls, the brick, the very fabric of the building. Which means we'll have to make sure we don't knock the house down for the foreseeable future..."

Ben is incredulous: "You worked all that out by yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you just ring the Doctor for advice?" Ben demands.

"Is there any solution you know of that doesn't involve texting professionals to sort it out for you? You know using your own skills or wits to save yourself?"

"Yeah, right," Ben snorts. "Texting totally appeals to stereotypical cutting edge younger viewers who watch Skins!" she shrugs.

"Eh? What viewers?" says Abby, baffled, neatly plastering a hole in the fourth wall.

"The Doctor's far better suited to supernatural problem, you should call on him in these sort of emergencies!" Ben protested.

"I've been known to solve things on my own bat!"

"What could a little girl like you do?" Ben ridicules.

"I defeated the matter-phasing aliens and saved your skinny ass, didn't I?" Abby reminds her.

"Touche," Ben grumbles. "But frankly, your family are a bunch of arseholes! This is so unfair! It's because I'm gay, isn't it?"

Abby rolls her eyes. "Yeah, whatever Daffyd."

"Fine!" Ben screams. "You're just like all the rest, Abby! You're straight, you fail to pander to my every need, you don't follow me around doing everything I says, or refuse to do that in ASDA... You're being totally unreasonable, wanting me to conceal my identity while your revolting family tolerate homosexual pride! What kind of girlfriend are you?!?"

"Er, I'm not actually in love with you, Ben, I just felt sorry for you because you're a loser with no life and no friends whose pathetic excuse for a job vanished when you had a sex change!"

"I am presenting myself sympathetically and that's all you do?"

"You're right," says Abby folding her arms.

"I am? I mean, I am!"

"You don't have to put up with having to behave like a human being just so you can have a roof over your head, nice food, a bed to sleep in. You should stick to your principles and leave to spend the rest of your life in a Wiltshire gutter. I'm being unfair, and you can go."

"What?" Ben exclaims. "No! You're dropping me for no reason! That makes me angry!"

"But I've got a reason," Abby grins.

"Which is?"

"Work it out yourself. Bye!"

Ben is left outside, in the dark as it starts to rain. Putting on her best smile, she tries to seduce Abby through the letter box. No, that ISN'T a euphemism, you dirty little bastard. "Look, Abby, I don't have to go just because your family were extremely unpleasant to me and you could have supported me more. You're blowing this out of proportion, girl, so stop being a wuss!"

After two hours with no reply, Ben finally accepts she's not going to be let back in.

"AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO ACT SO OBVIOUSLY GAY!" she shouts before trudging down the gravel driveway towards the town, sobbing bitterly as she realizes that her pure hatred for the female gender by default means she hates herself!

"Still, at least I'm not going to get killed off with plenty of blood and gore like more non-descript female characters I know," Ben consoles herself.

A dark shape steps out of the rain and blocks the path.

"Hi Benji," it growls. "I like ya new look, ja. Ve have unfeenished biznuss!"

As Karl's meaty hand reaches for her throat, Ben starts squealing like a pig...


The End
Or Is It?
No, Just Joking. It's The End.